Henry says:
"It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to."
"I must tell you that I was always afraid of the fury with which I loved you. It overwhelmed me. I thought it beyond comprehension, therefore my silence."
Henry Rollins
So... things are still a bit stressful, but getting much better here. Think I just got a bit overwhelmed and was starting to tweek. Reminding myself that I can't take responsibility for everyone else; reminding myself that I have to take things a step at a time... that kind of thing.
Favorite quote by a guy/girl whose name escapes me... my new mantra, if you will:
"Decisiveness is hindered by worrying about what others think, telling yourself you have to be perfect, and believing the world hinges on a particular choice."
Kind of caught between that and feeling the above Rollins quotes. Have a friends only relationship with an ex that is frequently confusing... story for another day.
Have a bunch of jobs lined up, am helping my mother move this weekend (thought I had too much stuff...), am seeing my "surrogate daughter" Friday before she leaves for three weeks in Europe and then college... waiting waiting waiting to get back on the road myself.
New Orleans in August, San Francisco and North Carolina in September, NYC a bunch of times in between. Sweet.
Rambling now, but things seem to be re-aligning somewhat... getting the metaphorical ducks in a row.
Now if I could only finalize the next move (literal, not metaphorical), and find a decent used car before my truck bites the big one for good.
Hope you all are well and thank you for those who are always checking in and kicking me back to my feet.
"It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to."
"I must tell you that I was always afraid of the fury with which I loved you. It overwhelmed me. I thought it beyond comprehension, therefore my silence."
Henry Rollins
So... things are still a bit stressful, but getting much better here. Think I just got a bit overwhelmed and was starting to tweek. Reminding myself that I can't take responsibility for everyone else; reminding myself that I have to take things a step at a time... that kind of thing.
Favorite quote by a guy/girl whose name escapes me... my new mantra, if you will:
"Decisiveness is hindered by worrying about what others think, telling yourself you have to be perfect, and believing the world hinges on a particular choice."
Kind of caught between that and feeling the above Rollins quotes. Have a friends only relationship with an ex that is frequently confusing... story for another day.
Have a bunch of jobs lined up, am helping my mother move this weekend (thought I had too much stuff...), am seeing my "surrogate daughter" Friday before she leaves for three weeks in Europe and then college... waiting waiting waiting to get back on the road myself.
New Orleans in August, San Francisco and North Carolina in September, NYC a bunch of times in between. Sweet.
Rambling now, but things seem to be re-aligning somewhat... getting the metaphorical ducks in a row.
Now if I could only finalize the next move (literal, not metaphorical), and find a decent used car before my truck bites the big one for good.
Hope you all are well and thank you for those who are always checking in and kicking me back to my feet.
Henry says:
"My feelings for you shame me into silence. The truth of this and your name will never be revealed. It is you who has made me realize the failure of my life. The thought of you fills me with longing and at the same time, a burning humiliation that produces scar tissue and dead brain cells. Your existence mocks me and I am unable to confront this. You have no idea of any of this. None of this is your fault. It is completely with me. It is you who makes me see what I really am. I am weak and out of touch with myself."
Man, do I have days like that. (This person does not know who she is... maybe she does, but I don't think so...)
Currently I am doing okay, but still feel pressured (from within, I know) to do so many things I don't have the time or energy to do...
Every day I am confronted with conflicts that have come about as a result of my own poor choices or from my giving the wrong person the benefit of the doubt... yet again.
I am strong enough to see my way through these things, but they are frustrating and make me feel weak and stupid after the fact.
Wrong choices and decisions made for all the right reasons... the noble (?) lone ranger... taking care of business for everyone but himself.
For the last week or so I have been making better choices, difficult choices and am back on a better path... have to move (again) to be in a better place. Have to stay focused. Have to buy a new car (!).
We're getting there.
Took this weekend off to go to Boston and hang out and get away from the drama...
Monday starts the process again...
Feeling better already...
Henry says:
"I don't believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn't matter - it's only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you."
What the fuck kind of world are we living in?
Bomb London and kill a bunch of random people?
You have a problem with me; come after me.
You have a problem with your boss, a public figure, a politician or lawyer... take them out, be my guest...
What kind of sense does it make to kill 37 random people and hurt 700 others?
Throughout history terrorism has always existed, but it has NEVER accomplished its stated aims or goals...
Cowardly assholes.
I have a great deal of difficulty with a lot of the things my country's government is involved with, but I am not going to bomb a random train station to vent my anger at them.
I have a hard time believing that our electoral process and our judicial systems actually work, but I'm not about to go out on a killing spree against anyone... certainly not random people and children. I understand that we are being targeted and attacked for our respective governments' actions in the Islamic world and elsewhere and I have no answer for that.
There has to be a better answer than this, however. The Islamic faith (assuming for the moment that these are the people actually responsible) does not, to my knowledge, call for the wholesale killing of innocents.
Fucking cowardly assholes.
As much as I may hate the people that did this in London today and the people behind the train bombings in Spain and the Twin Towers on 9/11, etc. etc., I could never even imagine going after some random people in their respective countries...
There has to be a better answer than our "War on Terror"; it's not working out that well for anyone so far...
Eye for an eye is fine with me... get the right guys, though... whoever they are... 
End of angry tirade...
"I don't believe in fate or destiny. I believe in various degrees of hatred, paranoia, and abandonment. However much of that gets heaped upon you doesn't matter - it's only a matter of how much you can take and what it does to you."
What the fuck kind of world are we living in?
Bomb London and kill a bunch of random people?
You have a problem with me; come after me.
You have a problem with your boss, a public figure, a politician or lawyer... take them out, be my guest...
What kind of sense does it make to kill 37 random people and hurt 700 others?
Throughout history terrorism has always existed, but it has NEVER accomplished its stated aims or goals...
Cowardly assholes.
I have a great deal of difficulty with a lot of the things my country's government is involved with, but I am not going to bomb a random train station to vent my anger at them.
I have a hard time believing that our electoral process and our judicial systems actually work, but I'm not about to go out on a killing spree against anyone... certainly not random people and children. I understand that we are being targeted and attacked for our respective governments' actions in the Islamic world and elsewhere and I have no answer for that.
There has to be a better answer than this, however. The Islamic faith (assuming for the moment that these are the people actually responsible) does not, to my knowledge, call for the wholesale killing of innocents.
Fucking cowardly assholes.
As much as I may hate the people that did this in London today and the people behind the train bombings in Spain and the Twin Towers on 9/11, etc. etc., I could never even imagine going after some random people in their respective countries...
There has to be a better answer than our "War on Terror"; it's not working out that well for anyone so far...
Eye for an eye is fine with me... get the right guys, though... whoever they are...
End of angry tirade...
So... I finished moving... from one place I didn't really want to be, into another place I don't really want to be...
No one's fault but my own; I haven't devoted the time and effort into changing my situation.
I have all the tools, the connection, the resources... just have been too tired and caught up in my own shit to motivate...
So, now that I have motivated enough to go from one undesirable situation to another, I am going to try to maintain that momentum, take my own advice, and keep on going.
First things first, though... gotta find my stuff, do my laundry and throw out a ton of crap... like the man says: "You own enough stuff and your stuff begins to own you..." or something like that.
Henry says:
"Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have.""
No one's fault but my own; I haven't devoted the time and effort into changing my situation.
I have all the tools, the connection, the resources... just have been too tired and caught up in my own shit to motivate...
So, now that I have motivated enough to go from one undesirable situation to another, I am going to try to maintain that momentum, take my own advice, and keep on going.
First things first, though... gotta find my stuff, do my laundry and throw out a ton of crap... like the man says: "You own enough stuff and your stuff begins to own you..." or something like that.
Henry says:
"Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have.""
"Out of life's school of war: What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."
Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Twilight of the Idols" (1899)
German philosopher (1844 - 1900)
Henry says:
"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character."
WWRD?
Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Twilight of the Idols" (1899)
German philosopher (1844 - 1900)
Henry says:
"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character."
WWRD?
Henry says:
Want a good body? Work at it. Want to be a success? Work at it. Want to be truly exceptional? Be a touch insane...You need a little bit of insanity to do great things.
Words to try and live by...
Want a good body? Work at it. Want to be a success? Work at it. Want to be truly exceptional? Be a touch insane...You need a little bit of insanity to do great things.
Words to try and live by...
Okay... in a bit of a better mood after last week's epiphany... still continuing to make the change but not so torn up about old memories and issues catching up to me.
Have some days off which usually get me in trouble, but we'll see.
Spent the last three day weekend working on a Budweiser commercial in Hoboken, New Jersey; fun place just over the Holland Tunnel from NYC... who knew that was there?
Worked with a Lemur:
An American bald eagle who really really hates dogs:
A Boa Constrictor:
The Budweiser Clydesdales:
And a very hot Betty Page-looking animal handler:
(Actual photo from this weekend... really...)
Now the trick is to not waste the momentum and not waste the time off... plan some travel, do so self-promotion, catch up with friends, etc.
Hope you all are well and thank you for the continued support and nice comments.
Have some days off which usually get me in trouble, but we'll see.
Spent the last three day weekend working on a Budweiser commercial in Hoboken, New Jersey; fun place just over the Holland Tunnel from NYC... who knew that was there?
Worked with a Lemur:
An American bald eagle who really really hates dogs:
A Boa Constrictor:
The Budweiser Clydesdales:
And a very hot Betty Page-looking animal handler:
(Actual photo from this weekend... really...)
Now the trick is to not waste the momentum and not waste the time off... plan some travel, do so self-promotion, catch up with friends, etc.
Hope you all are well and thank you for the continued support and nice comments.
I'm not ready yet...
But I will be...
Have begun the process; the transformation...
Tired of sitting around waiting to...
Tired of pretending to be someone I'm not...
someone I'm not yet...
someone people think I am...
someone I can be when I need to be...
Going through the motions for people who need me to be all the people they think I am and I can be but I am not completely...
I'm not ready yet...
but I will be...
Tired of carrying around this pain in my chest that I keep off my face when in presence of people who need me to be all the people I have been in the past when I needed to be that person... break glass in case of emergency... that's me...
I'm not ready yet...
but I will be...
I haven't wanted to be, not sure I can maintain it even now; but I want to be that other guy, full time, for the first time in a long time...
"Once you have tasted flight,
you will forever walk the earth
with your eyes turned skyward,
for there you have been,
and there you will always long to return."
-Leonardo da Vinci-
I am not ready yet...
but I will be...
But I will be...
Have begun the process; the transformation...
Tired of sitting around waiting to...
Tired of pretending to be someone I'm not...
someone I'm not yet...
someone people think I am...
someone I can be when I need to be...
Going through the motions for people who need me to be all the people they think I am and I can be but I am not completely...
I'm not ready yet...
but I will be...
Tired of carrying around this pain in my chest that I keep off my face when in presence of people who need me to be all the people I have been in the past when I needed to be that person... break glass in case of emergency... that's me...
I'm not ready yet...
but I will be...
I haven't wanted to be, not sure I can maintain it even now; but I want to be that other guy, full time, for the first time in a long time...
"Once you have tasted flight,
you will forever walk the earth
with your eyes turned skyward,
for there you have been,
and there you will always long to return."
-Leonardo da Vinci-
I am not ready yet...
but I will be...
So, had a fun little road trip planned for just after I got out of work Friday; take a quick shower (stinky), pack the bikes in the truck, and head up to Boston to hang out with my friend/ex-girlfriend Shannon.
Had the most frustrating and unneccesarily hectic, poorly organized/scheduled coporate photo shoot ever.
Got stinky and dirty.
Finally packed up the three van loads of gear and headed back to the studio where we had to unload and where I had the bikes stashed.
Got a text message from Shannon: "going on a trip in the morning".
Unloaded the crap at the studio and called Shannon.
Now, because she is a Secret Service agent (no shit), the message could mean anything.
Turns out she had to leave Logan Airport in Boston at 6:00 am to fly to Portland Oregon to work the security detail for the Vice President, Dick Cheney.
(She could tell me that, and I can tell you that because it's been in the newspapers; I am very careful what I ask her about work and there is tons she probably can't tell me, I'm sure...)
What sucks the most is I didn't even vote for the guy and he's screwing up my weekend.
So, now that the weekend plans are screwed up by the government, I have no excuse not to start packing boxes for the upcoming move across town at the end of the month.
(Still, watching Shannon strap on guns and body armor is still pretty hot... sweet.)
Anyone want to help pack boxes and throw out a bunch of crap?
(might go out on the bike anyway since no one's keeping an eye on me... )
This is an actual photograph of Shannon at work... okay not really. It's from a video game.
Had the most frustrating and unneccesarily hectic, poorly organized/scheduled coporate photo shoot ever.
Got stinky and dirty.
Finally packed up the three van loads of gear and headed back to the studio where we had to unload and where I had the bikes stashed.
Got a text message from Shannon: "going on a trip in the morning".
Unloaded the crap at the studio and called Shannon.
Now, because she is a Secret Service agent (no shit), the message could mean anything.
Turns out she had to leave Logan Airport in Boston at 6:00 am to fly to Portland Oregon to work the security detail for the Vice President, Dick Cheney.
(She could tell me that, and I can tell you that because it's been in the newspapers; I am very careful what I ask her about work and there is tons she probably can't tell me, I'm sure...)
What sucks the most is I didn't even vote for the guy and he's screwing up my weekend.
So, now that the weekend plans are screwed up by the government, I have no excuse not to start packing boxes for the upcoming move across town at the end of the month.
(Still, watching Shannon strap on guns and body armor is still pretty hot... sweet.)
Anyone want to help pack boxes and throw out a bunch of crap?
(might go out on the bike anyway since no one's keeping an eye on me...
)This is an actual photograph of Shannon at work... okay not really. It's from a video game.
