“To Santa Claus and Little Sisters” is the title of this poem. It was written in the 1960s by an Anonymous 15 year old boy, 2 years before he committed suicide. Steven Chbosky (The perks of being a wallflower) used this poem in the Perks Of Being A Wallflower, but had differences. This poem is also in English curriculum for a lot of high schools. It is a very powerful poem, and although it is very blunt, there is so much more meaning and depth behind each line.
I hope all the mommies had a wonderful day! Happy Mother's Day to you all~!!
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I really wish that the way I viewed myself was better. I pretend to be confident and to love myself, but it only takes one negative comment about how I look to set me over the edge. I realize I used to be thin and beautiful. I realize I used to model. I realize that I gained a ton of weight. And I can’t say that the way I look now doesn’t bother me. Because it fucking does. I don’t need anyone else to hate on my body or tell me I need to lose weight because I tell myself every time I look in the mirror. Honestly, I’m aware of everything. You really don’t need to keep reminding me. I’m pretty on top of it.
In fact, I think that the way I look is the biggest problem I have with myself right now. I love my personality, despite the fact that I am really awkward and weird. I like my voice even though I sometimes talk on a really low register. I love that I can always find the compassion to help someone in need even though I don’t particularly like that person. I love that I am so full of love. It deeply sickens me to see that the person I know I am on the inside isn’t what I see in the mirror.
I realize that I am not a model anymore. I know that I am not that thin beautiful person I was only two years ago. But I am so much happier emotionally now that I don’t have your son dragging me down and making me hate myself. Please please stop reminding me how I need to work on my outside now that my inside is relatively under control.
Cause it’s killing me. And I have enough to focus on right now as it is.
Besides, who are you to define what’s beautiful?
Your whole family needs to get over themselves.
I am so excited about things with the way things are going with Cady and I. I have been taking it nice and slow since the night that we kissed at the club. I just want to make sure that I take my time and let things develop rather than rushing. I have rushed way too many times, and I don’t want that to be what ruins the chance we may or may not have. I wish that I could work up the nerve to be at least a LITTLE more affectionate. She likes to hold hands in public and kiss my forehead. And I am always too shy to do it back, or initiate a hand-hold. I dunno. I just get so shy and melty around her. And I just can’t get passed it just yet. So, I am going to let the feelings progress. I talked to her about it already and she said that she is totally fine with it, and that she likes everything about me and she is willing to let things go as long as I want them too. It is really a great feeling, I can’t even describe it. I am so happy with just everything. It almost totally overshadows the complete pain in the ass this semester has been!!
Ok, so it’s about time I blogged about this I guess. A few weeks ago I met someone. I wasn’t really looking to meet anyone, really. I was just going to a meeting of my schools gay straight alliance. I just wanted to talk about some of the things I had been feeling and experiencing lately and get some feedback. But there she was, the ridiculously beautiful Cady.
She was there when I walked in and I managed to talk to her despite her being too cute for words. I promise I wasn’t immediately obsessed with her or anything. I just get nervous around really pretty girls. Mostly because I always manage to make myself look like an ass in front of them. But she was really sweet.
Nothing came of it that meeting, but I went to the next one and the next. And we started to get to know one another. Evetually I worked up the courage to walk her back to her dorm and ask her for her number. She gave it to me and we hung out twice that week.
Everyone said she liked me, but I really doubted myself. I just don’t understand why people like me sometimes and I never know when someone does until it is made ridiculously obvious. So, I vowed not to say anything until I was a little more sure.
This past Friday was her birthday. She invited me and a few of our now mutual friends to a gay club with her. And of course I went.
I had a great time. Sometime during the night I either worked up enough courage to kiss her or she kissed me and we held hands and danced all night. It was wonderful. I was drunk on excitement and copious amounts of alcohol. When we got back to my room, we climbed into bed and cuddled. She kissed me goodnight and I totally melted.
I really hope she would maybe want to be my girlfriend. Because I really like her a lot. She gives me butterflies and has the most amazing smile.
I think I am smitten.
She was there when I walked in and I managed to talk to her despite her being too cute for words. I promise I wasn’t immediately obsessed with her or anything. I just get nervous around really pretty girls. Mostly because I always manage to make myself look like an ass in front of them. But she was really sweet.
Nothing came of it that meeting, but I went to the next one and the next. And we started to get to know one another. Evetually I worked up the courage to walk her back to her dorm and ask her for her number. She gave it to me and we hung out twice that week.
Everyone said she liked me, but I really doubted myself. I just don’t understand why people like me sometimes and I never know when someone does until it is made ridiculously obvious. So, I vowed not to say anything until I was a little more sure.
This past Friday was her birthday. She invited me and a few of our now mutual friends to a gay club with her. And of course I went.
I had a great time. Sometime during the night I either worked up enough courage to kiss her or she kissed me and we held hands and danced all night. It was wonderful. I was drunk on excitement and copious amounts of alcohol. When we got back to my room, we climbed into bed and cuddled. She kissed me goodnight and I totally melted.
I really hope she would maybe want to be my girlfriend. Because I really like her a lot. She gives me butterflies and has the most amazing smile.
I think I am smitten.
So, I have a sinus infection and a mild case of bronchitis. No fun. I have been feeling really foggy for a few days now. But now that I know what’s wrong and am all medicated up for it, I am starting to feel better. It is great. Cause I absolutely despise bring sick. But I mean, who likes being sick?
Despite the onset of the plague, I have been trying to be as productive as possible. I forced myself to go to work and all of my classes. I also walked down to the tattoo shop and scheduled my second tattoo. I can’t wait. I handed the lady my design and she said she will have a stencil of it for me when I come in. I have to wait until March 1st, though because she is going away next week. That saddens me a little, but at least I will have it done finally. I have so many tattoos planned. I don’t know how I will ever have money for them all.
I want my entire back tattooed. I want a tattoo on each foot. I want sleeves and a chest piece. And I just want everything. Haha. I want my body to be this beautiful canvas of artwork. I am so obsessed with tattoos and I have always wanted one or two or five since I was little. My mom has seven and I am determined to one up her. At the very least anyway. And I have so many ideas, so many things that represent me as a person. I just can’t wait to fill the canvas that is my skin with wonderful artwork.
In the meantime, I am just trying to survive my classes. All of them but one are easy. Chemistry is going to give me a run for my money, I acknowledge that, and I am preparing myself for the stress of the challenge. I got an A in chemistry last year, and I plan on doing it again for the next level. Just you wait!
Despite the onset of the plague, I have been trying to be as productive as possible. I forced myself to go to work and all of my classes. I also walked down to the tattoo shop and scheduled my second tattoo. I can’t wait. I handed the lady my design and she said she will have a stencil of it for me when I come in. I have to wait until March 1st, though because she is going away next week. That saddens me a little, but at least I will have it done finally. I have so many tattoos planned. I don’t know how I will ever have money for them all.
I want my entire back tattooed. I want a tattoo on each foot. I want sleeves and a chest piece. And I just want everything. Haha. I want my body to be this beautiful canvas of artwork. I am so obsessed with tattoos and I have always wanted one or two or five since I was little. My mom has seven and I am determined to one up her. At the very least anyway. And I have so many ideas, so many things that represent me as a person. I just can’t wait to fill the canvas that is my skin with wonderful artwork.
In the meantime, I am just trying to survive my classes. All of them but one are easy. Chemistry is going to give me a run for my money, I acknowledge that, and I am preparing myself for the stress of the challenge. I got an A in chemistry last year, and I plan on doing it again for the next level. Just you wait!
Lately, I have been watching and reading anything I can get my hands on that has to do with Camelot. I don't know what it is about that particular era but I just can't get enough of it. I seriously wish that I could have lived during those times (provided that I was a lady in a noble family, because being a servant back then probably sucked). I can only imagine what it must have been like to live in a castle. Of course, TV and books totally over dramatize this period, and definitely amp up the romance. I mean, in all honesty if I DID live back then, I probably would have already been married off to some middle aged lord and popped out like three or four kids by now if I was lucky enough to live that long. I think what really makes the Camelot legend special for me is the magic and adventure.
I have always thought that life would have been so much more special with magic, and I have always been an avid reader of fantasy novels. I think that Camelot stories have just the right mixture of bravery, romance, chivalry, adventure, and magic. I think that if I lived in a Camelot legend, I would be an enchantress. Simply because I have always dreamed about having magic and what I would do with it; how I would use it. I think that is what makes fantasy novels so special. They make you imagine and dream. So many people have avidly read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and many more will. I have always been a reader. I read The Hobbit for the first time when I was eight. And I read about two to three books a week. I tend to think that reading not only fills me with a sense of joy and adventure, but also keeps my mind sharp.
When I think about how so many things (video games, television, and the like) have displaced reading as a past time, it makes me sad. Most children don't read for pleasure anymore. I can't even imagine what my childhood would have been like without the magic of books and reading. I am the person I am because I love to read. My life has been blessed with so much adventure thanks to all the authors who sat down and shared their imagination with the world. I can't even put to words how grateful I am to authors like Tolkien And Gail Carson Levine. So, when children denounce reading as boring, I almost feel like they are attacking me personally.
When I am a mother, I am going to be sure that I instill a love of reading into my children, as I believe all parents have a responsibility to do so. Reading not gives children advantages in school and in the academic world, but it also helps them develop a strong sense of imagination, one that will stay with them all their lives. How can parents think it is okay for their children to sit in front of the television all day? How can they not push for their children to read? I see the inability or the failure to instill a love of reading in one's children as a parents' greatest mistake.
I am not saying that video games and television should be shunned from the lives of children, I just think that things like that have a time and a place. They should never, under any circumstances, replace reading. Not when reading is so valuable to the lives and minds of everyone.
I have always thought that life would have been so much more special with magic, and I have always been an avid reader of fantasy novels. I think that Camelot stories have just the right mixture of bravery, romance, chivalry, adventure, and magic. I think that if I lived in a Camelot legend, I would be an enchantress. Simply because I have always dreamed about having magic and what I would do with it; how I would use it. I think that is what makes fantasy novels so special. They make you imagine and dream. So many people have avidly read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and many more will. I have always been a reader. I read The Hobbit for the first time when I was eight. And I read about two to three books a week. I tend to think that reading not only fills me with a sense of joy and adventure, but also keeps my mind sharp.
When I think about how so many things (video games, television, and the like) have displaced reading as a past time, it makes me sad. Most children don't read for pleasure anymore. I can't even imagine what my childhood would have been like without the magic of books and reading. I am the person I am because I love to read. My life has been blessed with so much adventure thanks to all the authors who sat down and shared their imagination with the world. I can't even put to words how grateful I am to authors like Tolkien And Gail Carson Levine. So, when children denounce reading as boring, I almost feel like they are attacking me personally.
When I am a mother, I am going to be sure that I instill a love of reading into my children, as I believe all parents have a responsibility to do so. Reading not gives children advantages in school and in the academic world, but it also helps them develop a strong sense of imagination, one that will stay with them all their lives. How can parents think it is okay for their children to sit in front of the television all day? How can they not push for their children to read? I see the inability or the failure to instill a love of reading in one's children as a parents' greatest mistake.
I am not saying that video games and television should be shunned from the lives of children, I just think that things like that have a time and a place. They should never, under any circumstances, replace reading. Not when reading is so valuable to the lives and minds of everyone.
You know that feeling when someone is talking about you REALLY loud when you are totally in earshot. And what they are saying is completely incorrect? Well, my dad is talking to this lady who he met online really loudly on the phone about how I made a mess in the kitchen. Except I wasn’t in the kitchen last night. I was in my room feeling really crappy. I am fairly certain that I have bronchitis (aint nobody got time for that). I just think it is really annoying that he does that. He only says I make the messes because he wants me to clean them. He thinks that because I am the girl in the house, it’s my job to clean up after everyone. Well, sorry but no. I clean the dishes I make and that is it unless I am feeling charitable. That is what it takes to teach my dad to stop being totally sexist. I gotta silently rebel.
This is an ongoing problem in my house. My dad seems to think that I should know how to cook and clean and manage a house. So every time I come to visit, he deliberately pins the job of maid on me. I have told him time and time again that I know how to do these things, I just don’t feel like it is my job to clean after everyone. My dad makes huge messes and just leaves them all over the house expecting me to follow him around and clean everything. I love my dad, and he is generally really good to me, but this literally drives me crazy.
He says he wants me to be able to be a good wife one day. But I honestly don’t want to be the type of woman who sits home and cleans up after everyone anyway. I am going to college for a reason. I want to be a career woman. I want to be a scientist. I want to travel and do my own thing. And maybe one day, when I have had my fill of globe trotting and animal conservation, I will settle down and get married. But even then, I won’t be doing what he wants. I don’t want to get married to some push over. I want someone just as strong willed and goal oriented as I am. And I am pretty sure, at this point, that I don’t want to marry a man.
I really would like to get married one day, but only if I find that one special lady. I also have to worry about whether or not it will be legal by the time I choose to marry. Right now I live in CT, so if I were to stay here, I would be all set. But I would rather die than stay here after my undergrad degree is finally over. My plan is to go to grad school as far away as possible and kiss this state goodbye. I think that I would really like to go to grad school in California, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. So, we shall see.
It just bothers me that everyone in my family tries to socialize me to be their image of a perfect little woman. I have never been that way, and I don’t want to be. I just want to be myself. No wonder I feel like I am trapped all the time. No one here ever wants me to be who I am. Thank god I don’t live with my father and his side of the family. Thank god I have been more dependent than that since I graduated high school. But still, things need to change if I am ever fully going to feel comfortable with myself.
Well, here is to hoping!
This is an ongoing problem in my house. My dad seems to think that I should know how to cook and clean and manage a house. So every time I come to visit, he deliberately pins the job of maid on me. I have told him time and time again that I know how to do these things, I just don’t feel like it is my job to clean after everyone. My dad makes huge messes and just leaves them all over the house expecting me to follow him around and clean everything. I love my dad, and he is generally really good to me, but this literally drives me crazy.
He says he wants me to be able to be a good wife one day. But I honestly don’t want to be the type of woman who sits home and cleans up after everyone anyway. I am going to college for a reason. I want to be a career woman. I want to be a scientist. I want to travel and do my own thing. And maybe one day, when I have had my fill of globe trotting and animal conservation, I will settle down and get married. But even then, I won’t be doing what he wants. I don’t want to get married to some push over. I want someone just as strong willed and goal oriented as I am. And I am pretty sure, at this point, that I don’t want to marry a man.
I really would like to get married one day, but only if I find that one special lady. I also have to worry about whether or not it will be legal by the time I choose to marry. Right now I live in CT, so if I were to stay here, I would be all set. But I would rather die than stay here after my undergrad degree is finally over. My plan is to go to grad school as far away as possible and kiss this state goodbye. I think that I would really like to go to grad school in California, but I haven’t gotten that far yet. So, we shall see.
It just bothers me that everyone in my family tries to socialize me to be their image of a perfect little woman. I have never been that way, and I don’t want to be. I just want to be myself. No wonder I feel like I am trapped all the time. No one here ever wants me to be who I am. Thank god I don’t live with my father and his side of the family. Thank god I have been more dependent than that since I graduated high school. But still, things need to change if I am ever fully going to feel comfortable with myself.
Well, here is to hoping!
