I have been shutting things down here and there. My life has lead up to a point where I would come to some clarity and understanding of my life, why it has followed the path it has, why I have seen what I have seen, and everything else. I found all that I was suppose to find. This universe was not one in which those pieces were meant to fit together. Where I will go or what I will do now I do not know. I am weighing my options. I just know that I can no longer afford to risk being in anyone else's life. I cannot love anyone any more. I know who my love was meant for. Who I was searching for and it is all gone now. The gates that were opened are now closed. There can never be anyone new in my life. I never wanted this life to begin with. I never wanted to interact with anyone. I never wanted to feel or care. People being too close to me was always painful anyway. I tried to simplify things and communicate what I could but it never really got me anywhere. All of my gifts were lost in myself. I never wanted anyone that I loved to be with me and be involved in this. I needed what I needed. I couldn't make it work. My failure sets me free. So I will go figure out what to do with myself. I hope that all those who I have cherished can find themselves, who they truly are beneath the mess of everything. I know it is hard as pretending to be like everyone else for thirty years had even begun to get to me and I lost myself for a time. It may have not have been quite that simple but it happened none the less. Being what I am in this time frame has not proven fruitful. I know this is all ambiguous and meaningless to anyone who may read it. I know that in other universes I have succeeded and I have failed. Some I have hopefully found something in between. Maybe this will play out again in this life and I will succeed then if it happens. I was happier back there. Those aren't the right words. I preferred it there. At least know that the most important truth is that if everyone worked together for the best result for everyone involved then people would not have the problems they have. I had a plan for that. I always struggle with helping people or letting them figure it out. If people cannot figure it out I always saw it as their failure. I can never decide.

I am not averse to the concept of team work. I have never really had any use for it as team or group activities ended up being a matter of me having to do the work to make sure I am not being punished for the inabilities of the group. It has seemed that most of the people that I have had to depend on for anything have failed me. it has not been disappointing exactly. You have to expect something from people in order for that to happen. Traditionally people do exactly what I expect them to. I have generally done my best avoid depending on people. a few times I was disappointed. I wanted to believe that someone was different and that they meant what they said. It does not seem that people know what they say. mean what they say. realize the full consequence of their words. I have always avoided making promises to people because you never know what may happen and I would hate for someone to have an expectation of me that is unfulfilled due to circumstances outside of my control. I have always worried about failing people, even when I hated them. I am generally compelled in various ways to do for others.

one of the fundamental flaws in humanity is the tendency for people to have thoughts, opinions, beliefs, values, ideas, take action on the basis of really nothing. It exists everywhere and I cannot decide why. One of these days i will be able to slip away and sort if out or else it will just come to me. That is how it tends to work. I was listening to a thing on npr about how all this money exists and is invested in the various aids epidemics yet so much cannot be used because of the restrictions placed upon it. If anyone needs a very simple clear example of expressing thoughts and ideas based on nothing it is in the realm of politics. This aids epidemic prevention money is not invested in projects that work nor can it be because in the letter of the laws that authorized the funding it sets absurd restrictions such as to be used only for abstinence programs. The epidemiologist stated that 72% of those in the united states that pledge to abstinence until marry do not fulfill that pledge. Clean needle programs are not funded despite the fact that 17 of the 17 commissioned studies said that it was not only effective, but cost effective in prevention. People want to wonder why the country or the world has all of these problems. Look at our politicians and their behavior. That is a reflection of the populace and it has been shaped by them. All these people who cannot take what they think and dissect it until they get to hard facts. Their is no substance, no factual basis for their beliefs. I think this! why? well, take this long fumbling answer that goes nowhere and results in some magical thinking, something I heard somewhere and didn't investigate further, religion, commercial news sources, the general telephone game the plays out amongst people.

Mostly I am just tired of leaving the previous thing up. I find the I am quite out of place anywhere in most anything I find. My tolerance for anything dwindles by the day. it was easier to play along before. The integrity of my being means that no matter what I do not break down and show nothing of it outside of myself. I remember why I do not talk about any of this.

I do not agree that all opinions have merit and deserve to be defended. neo nazi's and white supremacists do not deserve to have their beliefs defended or allowed. Some may argue overly simplistic points about the defense of free speech. There is a difference between maintaining the elements needed to insure a proper government (which are really just wasted) and allowing impediments to the growth of humanity.

pro life is anti woman

I think it is time that we all take a deeper look into the negro problem

Well, it would seem that my town made the national and international news as the university down the block had a little incident.

My friend sent me a text message from her classroom what there was shooting and things were locked down. I didn't think too much of it at the time as a shooting can be anything. My sister is a police officer there so I began to worry about her a little bit. I expected that the guy would have killed himself after he accomplished what he had set out to accomplish but you never know for sure. It could have been as simple as it was, or maybe someone on a wider rampage. It could have been someone seeking a suicide by cop and that could have been messy. I did not really worry that my sister couldn't handle herself. We've spent our lives failing to kill each other. Eventually I got word that she was ok. She is not just a cop she is also a trained paramedic, so she was capable in the crime scene. She seems ok, just tired. I still have to worry about her a little bit. That is all I will say about it for now.

I think that everyone should see this as I think it is very interesting to learn

My four year old nephew called me to sing happy birthday to me. It was the most menacing thing I have ever heard in my life. He is a unique little boy. He likes witches, evil things, saying evil things, princesses. He was going to marry a common girl or at least that is what he was screaming at me one day. He is back to princesses. I think he loves women almost as much as I do. He was so happy to buy me a birthday present. It was a padme amidala action figure. he told me to open it and play with it. I know he bought it for me because he probably wants it. I know last year I bought him a pile of princess leia's. That is what he wanted. he is so cute even when he is being evil.

My mind is leaking, so many things i had safely controlled have been coming out slowly. I can still largely keep it to myself fortunately. I find myself in many ways in a sort of crossroads.

here is something that brings me joy I love what this guy creates despite the fact that I am not a fisherman. His subjects are more than just fish. nature, evolution, natural history. The puns can be amusing. I mostly like the style, the subjects and the simple messages.

I had a thought not too long ago. If I was the president I would not have gone into Iraq while we were busy with afghanistan. That was a profound strategic error not to mention rather selfish, arrogant, and callous. So Imagining that I had a reason that was not completely fabricated I would have gone about the whole situation far more carefully. We already had certain strategic advantages in that we had Kuwait working with us because of the previous liberation of it and Turkey being a member of NATO and I believe where the airbase from where we were enforcing a no fly zone over the kurdish areas of iraq in the north. So on the premise that a viable reason to invade that garnered the support of our allies the invasion would come quite easily. Developing forces in the south along the border in kuwait and in the north moving forces into the kurdish areas and like we did in afghanistan mobilize the kurdish military and police forces behind our plans. Moving them up to the limits of the no fly zone to prepare a mobilization into the rest of the country. At time that was appointed both sets of forces would mobilize spreading out across the border areas to effectively surround the country. The soldiers would move in to address any potential threats. Along with them would come various experts on everything from the social psychology of the region to structural engineers. They would move through the inhabited areas and address all the locals, somewhat like they have begun to do now. It would be explained the the government that is will be removed. The new government would be representative of them and would address the crimes of the previous regime. They would have it made clear to them that this would be their country now and what they do now is what makes the future of their nation. The teams would then be surveying the infrastructure and the requirements to repair it. They would be interviewing the communities and to determine and address their needs. Then the builders would come in with a mixed plan. The ultimate goal of the building and rebuilding needed, but also to include the iraqi's in the rebuilding. The most dangerous thing in the world is a young male. The two things that make a young male even more dangerous than being young and male are poverty and having idle hands. To mobilize the young iraqi's into public works and rebuilding programs to keep them busy but also make sure that they are being trained into marketable skills. That way when the projects are over they are not left to just sit and do nothing. They now have skills that can allow them to make a living. If they have jobs and are kept busy they will not have the energy or interest to get involved with criminal actions or paramilitary organizations. Everything has to be shrewd. Everything has to be tight. Everything has to be addressed from all directions at once. There would have to be air strikes on the military installations during the invasion to suppress the military action as much as possible. You cannot go into a foreign nation like that without knowing who you are dealing with. Sun Tzu is all just common sense. War is not simply the use of military force. You have to see every thing at once. In the first Iraqi war our psychological warfare efforts were massively effective. The iraqi attempts were ridiculous and pathetic. The same thing with the chinese during Korea. The Japanese efforts were amusing. In viet nam the enemy did a very effective and efficient job. I know my plan is not perfect but with a little more research it would be. All that had to be done was to remove a dictator and his supporters, Place the country in the hands of the people and defend its borders until it could do it for itself. By enlisting the iraqi's to fight for and build their own nation then perhaps the value of it will mean all the more to them. If they all work together for the same goal then perhaps they will have a sense of kinship in the rebirth of their nation. You cannot have one simplistic plan and just run with it. You have to face every possible scenario and have a plan that is set for them all. You never know what is going to happen and plans must be able to evolve or change on the fly if need be. You have to look at where you are, look at where you want to go, then figure out what it will take to get you there. If you are planning a trip and look at a map you can see your starting point and destination. You cannot see what road construction may be active and the state of it. You cannot see where you will have to detour. You cannot see what car accidents will happen to you or others. You can plan for alternate routes. You can handle the accidents as they come. You can make sure your equipment is in proper condition to make the trip. I could have run it all perfectly. yes I know I left a lot of parts out. This is just the rough idea.

this is something that has special meaning to me

But then nothing in my life does not. I dismiss everything that is dismissable from the start.

I have been very busy, always too busy to write all that I wish. My life is certainly not worth recording.