I have been in complicated state as of late. I try to keep it away from people as much as I can.
I got an Email From my ex girlfriend.
Slinky died this weekend. Of the three ferrets we had together he was the oldest. She had him before we wer together. I cannot remember exactly how long she had him. My Ex girlfriend is member lushious on my friends list. He is the white ferret on her profile picture. I never thought he would die. I used to play with him. Fang was the first that we bought together. just as we moved in together. Oatmeal Scotchie was the second. Fang is a female, She and Slinkie would run around and play as reflective of their genders. Scotchie is male Slinke would beat on him all of the time. I have not seen them since long before she broke up with me. Although I have my own now. I miss them. I have barely been holding together since I read the email. I used to play with him. I played rough like they like. They always loved playing with me. I am crying too much to continue. Maybe later.
I just realized what an asshole I am. Slinkie is always suppose to be spelled with and IE, Always.
I got an Email From my ex girlfriend.
Slinky died this weekend. Of the three ferrets we had together he was the oldest. She had him before we wer together. I cannot remember exactly how long she had him. My Ex girlfriend is member lushious on my friends list. He is the white ferret on her profile picture. I never thought he would die. I used to play with him. Fang was the first that we bought together. just as we moved in together. Oatmeal Scotchie was the second. Fang is a female, She and Slinkie would run around and play as reflective of their genders. Scotchie is male Slinke would beat on him all of the time. I have not seen them since long before she broke up with me. Although I have my own now. I miss them. I have barely been holding together since I read the email. I used to play with him. I played rough like they like. They always loved playing with me. I am crying too much to continue. Maybe later.
I just realized what an asshole I am. Slinkie is always suppose to be spelled with and IE, Always.
Look at These links. If you have not then I will find you. I will get into your mind and I will plant a darkness which will consume you with such pain you will beg to be set on fire.
http://www.myspace.com/luxdivon
http://www.myspace.com/sparklesrecordingco
Someone special left me a testimonial. It was quite a surprise. I did not know that I had such an effect on her life or that I should be of such value to her. It is a substantial honor of which I am humbly grateful. She is a great woman who deserves all that she credits me for giving her and so much more. She is a beautiful and admirable person who is consciously working to grow and develop herself.
I love watching survivorman. Their are a lot of things like that I am enjoying more and more. I have developed a great interest in early humanity and ancient wisdom. In part I love it because it is a really important area of history. It is like why I have a fondness for the 19th century. It is the whole merging of worlds thing. I am big on the merging of worlds. I think in part it may be because of what I am. The idea of things that were once one, were then separated and will eventually come back together speaks to me. I have always loved older things. I have always been quite subject to my romantic sense of things. I have always loved blades and various other weapons. I have always wanted to perfect their use as well as their creation. I am also obsessed with creation and destruction. How creation comes from destruction. How destruction comes from creation. Anything that I love it is not enough for me to want to use it. I want to create it as well. You cannot really appreciate it until you create it yourself. To know the process. To imbue it with your life and love. I want to learn to make knives and other bladed weapons. Well a lot of different weapons actually. Also I have been thinking of jewelry. Just the whole metal working thing. I really want to play and experiment with almost any material I can. I know it will take a long time. Their is a lot out there. I just want to be able to create what i want to create. Flint knapping is a big thing I want to learn. Those really ancient skills of survival. If the world collapsed I am am unfortunate enough to survive then I want to be able to survive and manage in that world which I would probably be happier in. Cut down to the truth of life with all the imaginary inflations gone. If others are there then I want to be able to make sure that these remnants of humanity survive. Also it is just good stuff to know. The thing with survival man is that almost every show follows a basic real possibility. Situations people get into all the time and simply do not know how to just survive let alone overcome. If you loved me you would let me die in a hole. It is incredible what you can do with things like flint knapping. In the first issue of Make magazine had this thing about the world of flint knapping. Those that I love I want to be able to focus on themselves and living the best most proper life for them. I will worry about taking care of them, making them happy, making sure they have a tomorrow. Also if I can produce my own jewelry, do lapidary and gem cutting. I want to create things that are not just copies of ancient examples. I want to create armor as if we were still making it, as well as put my own imagination into it. It is like jody samsons work. Yeah history is cool and beautiful. I do not feel any need to be restricted by tradition or ever hinder what is a universe of infinite possibilities. I do not want to make anything that is absurd. Although it can be fun. Look at Polly's cakes. She makes these whimsy cakes, they are beautiful and like something you would see in a dr. seuss book. I believe in a world built upon quality and artisanship. People creating things out of love and passion for what they do. Not about making a much money as possible just to make money. I have seen that world. It exists. It is just like everyone is in a maze of all of this other crap. if you removed it all. Like you lift the walls of the maze into the air, then everyone could see each other and work together. Their is this couple in wisconsin. He manages the goats or whatever they are raising. She makes the cheese. She really makes the cheese. It is in like a cave or something. they let natural molds collect on the cheese as if they were making a lambic beer. She goes out and rubs those cheeses every day. That is love. That is passion. That is caring about creating something the best that you can for the sake of doing the best that you can. Their are so many people out their like that. If only they could all be collected together.
I like the original movie entitled running scared. With gregory hines and billy crystal. It was funny and enjoyable. When the guy fell to his death and they said the cause was deceleration shock and concrete poisoning.
He has some interesting ideas, but still short sighted.
I do not usually like male singers but his work is beautiful and has meaning to me.
http://www.myspace.com/luxdivon
http://www.myspace.com/sparklesrecordingco
Someone special left me a testimonial. It was quite a surprise. I did not know that I had such an effect on her life or that I should be of such value to her. It is a substantial honor of which I am humbly grateful. She is a great woman who deserves all that she credits me for giving her and so much more. She is a beautiful and admirable person who is consciously working to grow and develop herself.
I love watching survivorman. Their are a lot of things like that I am enjoying more and more. I have developed a great interest in early humanity and ancient wisdom. In part I love it because it is a really important area of history. It is like why I have a fondness for the 19th century. It is the whole merging of worlds thing. I am big on the merging of worlds. I think in part it may be because of what I am. The idea of things that were once one, were then separated and will eventually come back together speaks to me. I have always loved older things. I have always been quite subject to my romantic sense of things. I have always loved blades and various other weapons. I have always wanted to perfect their use as well as their creation. I am also obsessed with creation and destruction. How creation comes from destruction. How destruction comes from creation. Anything that I love it is not enough for me to want to use it. I want to create it as well. You cannot really appreciate it until you create it yourself. To know the process. To imbue it with your life and love. I want to learn to make knives and other bladed weapons. Well a lot of different weapons actually. Also I have been thinking of jewelry. Just the whole metal working thing. I really want to play and experiment with almost any material I can. I know it will take a long time. Their is a lot out there. I just want to be able to create what i want to create. Flint knapping is a big thing I want to learn. Those really ancient skills of survival. If the world collapsed I am am unfortunate enough to survive then I want to be able to survive and manage in that world which I would probably be happier in. Cut down to the truth of life with all the imaginary inflations gone. If others are there then I want to be able to make sure that these remnants of humanity survive. Also it is just good stuff to know. The thing with survival man is that almost every show follows a basic real possibility. Situations people get into all the time and simply do not know how to just survive let alone overcome. If you loved me you would let me die in a hole. It is incredible what you can do with things like flint knapping. In the first issue of Make magazine had this thing about the world of flint knapping. Those that I love I want to be able to focus on themselves and living the best most proper life for them. I will worry about taking care of them, making them happy, making sure they have a tomorrow. Also if I can produce my own jewelry, do lapidary and gem cutting. I want to create things that are not just copies of ancient examples. I want to create armor as if we were still making it, as well as put my own imagination into it. It is like jody samsons work. Yeah history is cool and beautiful. I do not feel any need to be restricted by tradition or ever hinder what is a universe of infinite possibilities. I do not want to make anything that is absurd. Although it can be fun. Look at Polly's cakes. She makes these whimsy cakes, they are beautiful and like something you would see in a dr. seuss book. I believe in a world built upon quality and artisanship. People creating things out of love and passion for what they do. Not about making a much money as possible just to make money. I have seen that world. It exists. It is just like everyone is in a maze of all of this other crap. if you removed it all. Like you lift the walls of the maze into the air, then everyone could see each other and work together. Their is this couple in wisconsin. He manages the goats or whatever they are raising. She makes the cheese. She really makes the cheese. It is in like a cave or something. they let natural molds collect on the cheese as if they were making a lambic beer. She goes out and rubs those cheeses every day. That is love. That is passion. That is caring about creating something the best that you can for the sake of doing the best that you can. Their are so many people out their like that. If only they could all be collected together.
I like the original movie entitled running scared. With gregory hines and billy crystal. It was funny and enjoyable. When the guy fell to his death and they said the cause was deceleration shock and concrete poisoning.
He has some interesting ideas, but still short sighted.
I do not usually like male singers but his work is beautiful and has meaning to me.
http://www.myspace.com/luxdivon
http://www.myspace.com/sparklesrecordingco
I do not condone Oprah but this one at least makes a good point.
I keep thinking of Blue Merle
I was thinking about Sazan Eyes earlier. It is one of may favorite anime I don't know what to call it. Their is more to the manga. I have seen the two films they have made. I saw the second one first and the first one second. In essence their is this girl who is an immortal demon. She leaves her home as she is the last of her kind and wants to become human. She is also being chased by evil forces. She meets a boy. To save his life she makes him her wu. I will save the explanations of everything. but basically she sucked out his soul. He got a mark on his head that translates to mean "nothing". His soul is inside of her and he is now invulnerable. He is also her protector. At the end of the first one the evil gets to her and their is an explosion. He knows she is alive because he wouldn't be if she died. So then he goes searching for her. He loves her and he goes to save and protect her. It makes me think of some other things but I wll not go on about anime.
I have never gone after anyone that I fell in love with, EVER! I have only ever tried to be a friend and to help people. I never sought anything from anyone or had any expectations. It is like you sort through profiles and then something catches your eye. You see that someone is into starting a revolution. So you think what the fuck. What kind of ridiculous hippy bullshit is this. So you imagine that this is some pseudo intellectual who has spent too much time getting hip to the reefer madness and things waving cardboard signs with clever sayings are going to rock the vote. So you write something because no doubt the response will be so absurd it will be hilarious. You get a response from this person and it is not at all what you thought possible. So then you write back to question this further and see if this is for real. Then she writes back and she is the real deal. So as the correspondence progresses. A friendship is built upon mutual respect. We correspond for time with building admiration. Perhaps their is an IM or two. Then after a bit you notice it, things to change slightly. Their is a growing anticipation of emails. You check looking for them. You know what is different and you know why it is different but you do not admit it. So you just have this great growing friendship. This person is amazing she is a real thinker. She is passionate in her beliefs. She poses real questions that make me think to answer and help me to know what I believe. Then we play that game, the spiral of words. Slowly walking the spiral of questions and answers avoiding saying what we wanted to say. You have discussions about analyzing scenarios and possibilities. Asking questions and posing different what if situations. Dancing around each other until you hit the center facing each other and you cannot deny it any more. Then you are in love. You were just suppose to be friends but you two could never have just been friends. It was fate and you had no choice. You need her and No one else could give you what she can. To her you seem to be everything that she ever wanted. Everything she needs. It wasn't a trick. Although I always fear it is the result of my evil power. When the evil spell wears off the love goes away. I do my best to keep people away from my influence and my evil curse.
If I could be a one woman man I would. I would for any woman that I am in love with. I wanted that life and I tried for it. I worked at it. It is what I always wanted. It is always what I thought I would have. It is what everyone is suppose to do. It is not who I am and I cannot be it. It is not ego, it is not fun. It is just love and my commitment to those loves. Pure love not papers,lawyers, trinkets, games, justifications or making people not involved with the relationship happy. I haev forgooten mu poitn.
http://www.myspace.com/sparklesrecordingco
I do not condone Oprah but this one at least makes a good point.
I keep thinking of Blue Merle
I was thinking about Sazan Eyes earlier. It is one of may favorite anime I don't know what to call it. Their is more to the manga. I have seen the two films they have made. I saw the second one first and the first one second. In essence their is this girl who is an immortal demon. She leaves her home as she is the last of her kind and wants to become human. She is also being chased by evil forces. She meets a boy. To save his life she makes him her wu. I will save the explanations of everything. but basically she sucked out his soul. He got a mark on his head that translates to mean "nothing". His soul is inside of her and he is now invulnerable. He is also her protector. At the end of the first one the evil gets to her and their is an explosion. He knows she is alive because he wouldn't be if she died. So then he goes searching for her. He loves her and he goes to save and protect her. It makes me think of some other things but I wll not go on about anime.
I have never gone after anyone that I fell in love with, EVER! I have only ever tried to be a friend and to help people. I never sought anything from anyone or had any expectations. It is like you sort through profiles and then something catches your eye. You see that someone is into starting a revolution. So you think what the fuck. What kind of ridiculous hippy bullshit is this. So you imagine that this is some pseudo intellectual who has spent too much time getting hip to the reefer madness and things waving cardboard signs with clever sayings are going to rock the vote. So you write something because no doubt the response will be so absurd it will be hilarious. You get a response from this person and it is not at all what you thought possible. So then you write back to question this further and see if this is for real. Then she writes back and she is the real deal. So as the correspondence progresses. A friendship is built upon mutual respect. We correspond for time with building admiration. Perhaps their is an IM or two. Then after a bit you notice it, things to change slightly. Their is a growing anticipation of emails. You check looking for them. You know what is different and you know why it is different but you do not admit it. So you just have this great growing friendship. This person is amazing she is a real thinker. She is passionate in her beliefs. She poses real questions that make me think to answer and help me to know what I believe. Then we play that game, the spiral of words. Slowly walking the spiral of questions and answers avoiding saying what we wanted to say. You have discussions about analyzing scenarios and possibilities. Asking questions and posing different what if situations. Dancing around each other until you hit the center facing each other and you cannot deny it any more. Then you are in love. You were just suppose to be friends but you two could never have just been friends. It was fate and you had no choice. You need her and No one else could give you what she can. To her you seem to be everything that she ever wanted. Everything she needs. It wasn't a trick. Although I always fear it is the result of my evil power. When the evil spell wears off the love goes away. I do my best to keep people away from my influence and my evil curse.
If I could be a one woman man I would. I would for any woman that I am in love with. I wanted that life and I tried for it. I worked at it. It is what I always wanted. It is always what I thought I would have. It is what everyone is suppose to do. It is not who I am and I cannot be it. It is not ego, it is not fun. It is just love and my commitment to those loves. Pure love not papers,lawyers, trinkets, games, justifications or making people not involved with the relationship happy. I haev forgooten mu poitn.
Listen to Music. The Exquisite Lux Divon A Most Special Sparkle.
This has recieved a spectacular review.
This past year has been probably the most turbulent of my entire life. I experienced the first loss of someone who I actually mourned despire the fact I do not believe in it. Through my xanga I found my way to the path of my true self and made numerous concious realizations. I have experienced the disintigration of what for a long time I thought was the last relationship I would ever have or need. Amongst many other things. I have not felt right for a long time. Lately I have been so sensitive that I have been having reactions to things more than I ever recall having. At work I carry a retractible keychain and it rests on my hip. A few weeks ago I let it retract and the vibration of the chain rent straight into my hip, I thought I was going to vomit and collapse. I didn't, I kept myself together. My spine has not felt the same since. The way I feel has always been weird but just more so lately. After she broke up with me I thought I was okay. I am still in love with her. I will always be. I have other women that I love. No rebounding, no bullshit. We have had almost no contact since. She sent me a christmas card and I cried. She saw that and left a comment. I responded and read in her journal about this episode with some guy. I will not say what I wanted to do to him. She IM'd me asking for my address. She is mailing back stuff of mine she says she shouldn't still have. I have a lot of her stuff which she says she doesn't need. I am not sure what to say about that. All I know is that in a recent email exchange I have been falling into tears. I have been thinking about it a lot. It was my whole life and it is all gone. She moved home, I moved here. my sisters marriage fell apart. I have barely seen them since. She broke up with me and just stopped talking to me. Deep down I always knew what was going to happen. That it would end. I always know the truth. I always know what is happening. I always know what will happen. At least way deep down. it is not what I wanted to happen and I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did anyway. I think about all the things we did together and never will again. I think about all the things that I am not sure I will ever be able to do again. It was a life I loved, a life I was happy with, and a life I knew I could not keep. I wanted a life with her. Their was a magic to how we did get together. when I fell in love with her it opened me up to be able to love as i do now. If not for her I could not give the love that I do those who are able to enjoy it now. Perhaps that was her purpose in my life. It has changed my life dramatically from what I was before her. Although since I came to her rescue and later moved in together their was a certain uneasiness. Their was often behavior that made me question if she really wanted to be with me. Maybe it is good that I am moving. I recently told her about what has come up. Some one found me that needs my help. Some one who is very gifted, talented and intelligent. She needs love, care, attention and help to turn her life around. I am going to move to the north east for about a year or so to help her finish school and take care of her son. This has become a point of a lot of stress. Mixed reviews from my family and others I have told. In essence I am putting my life and plans on hold. I have been told it is wrong to put the lives of others before mine. Others have asked if she is using me. It has been made clear that her life is at stake and that of her son. I can make a difference. I know this is a matter of my fate. She deserves a chance at a better life. Her son deserves to have a decent life. My life is not my own. I am here to serve those who need me. I would not be doing this for just anyone. She is someone who is worth saving and I belive can be. Deep down she wants to be. I am the only one who can do it. It will not be easy by any means. It will be complicated and strained. I know this is not making sense really. What it all comes down to is this, No one else is me. No one else can do what I can do. Their are far more facets to this than I have explained. this is my path, My fate. I am not sacrificing my other relationships. although I do fear the strain on them. As i have said my life has no value to me. If you need me, then you are why I am here. It has been suggested to me recently that I want to be needed. That is not the case at all. I have absolutely no interest in living or being a human. If I was not forced to be alive. If I was not needed then I would be gone. I am trapped by love and empathy. I really do not want anyone to be dependent on me. To be honest I am continuously baffled by the love that others would share with me. I am very insecure about it all. I know that all I love will be taken from me. I must always fear hurting those that I love. I can I belive in the love of someone who will just leave when their problems are solved. I want them to be strong and independent. I want them to be healthy, powerful and confident. I want them to be with me because they are emotionally crippled or projecting fantasies on me. I can barely even see straight. Need me because I am everything you desire in a man. Need me because what you are with me you could never be with anyone else. Love me for all the reasons that I love you. Pure unconditional love because I am all the things that I am. love because who I am touches you in places you never knew anyone could touch you. You get the idea. This was a mess. I should erase it later. I need to do somthign else now.
This has recieved a spectacular review.
This past year has been probably the most turbulent of my entire life. I experienced the first loss of someone who I actually mourned despire the fact I do not believe in it. Through my xanga I found my way to the path of my true self and made numerous concious realizations. I have experienced the disintigration of what for a long time I thought was the last relationship I would ever have or need. Amongst many other things. I have not felt right for a long time. Lately I have been so sensitive that I have been having reactions to things more than I ever recall having. At work I carry a retractible keychain and it rests on my hip. A few weeks ago I let it retract and the vibration of the chain rent straight into my hip, I thought I was going to vomit and collapse. I didn't, I kept myself together. My spine has not felt the same since. The way I feel has always been weird but just more so lately. After she broke up with me I thought I was okay. I am still in love with her. I will always be. I have other women that I love. No rebounding, no bullshit. We have had almost no contact since. She sent me a christmas card and I cried. She saw that and left a comment. I responded and read in her journal about this episode with some guy. I will not say what I wanted to do to him. She IM'd me asking for my address. She is mailing back stuff of mine she says she shouldn't still have. I have a lot of her stuff which she says she doesn't need. I am not sure what to say about that. All I know is that in a recent email exchange I have been falling into tears. I have been thinking about it a lot. It was my whole life and it is all gone. She moved home, I moved here. my sisters marriage fell apart. I have barely seen them since. She broke up with me and just stopped talking to me. Deep down I always knew what was going to happen. That it would end. I always know the truth. I always know what is happening. I always know what will happen. At least way deep down. it is not what I wanted to happen and I was hoping that it wouldn't but it did anyway. I think about all the things we did together and never will again. I think about all the things that I am not sure I will ever be able to do again. It was a life I loved, a life I was happy with, and a life I knew I could not keep. I wanted a life with her. Their was a magic to how we did get together. when I fell in love with her it opened me up to be able to love as i do now. If not for her I could not give the love that I do those who are able to enjoy it now. Perhaps that was her purpose in my life. It has changed my life dramatically from what I was before her. Although since I came to her rescue and later moved in together their was a certain uneasiness. Their was often behavior that made me question if she really wanted to be with me. Maybe it is good that I am moving. I recently told her about what has come up. Some one found me that needs my help. Some one who is very gifted, talented and intelligent. She needs love, care, attention and help to turn her life around. I am going to move to the north east for about a year or so to help her finish school and take care of her son. This has become a point of a lot of stress. Mixed reviews from my family and others I have told. In essence I am putting my life and plans on hold. I have been told it is wrong to put the lives of others before mine. Others have asked if she is using me. It has been made clear that her life is at stake and that of her son. I can make a difference. I know this is a matter of my fate. She deserves a chance at a better life. Her son deserves to have a decent life. My life is not my own. I am here to serve those who need me. I would not be doing this for just anyone. She is someone who is worth saving and I belive can be. Deep down she wants to be. I am the only one who can do it. It will not be easy by any means. It will be complicated and strained. I know this is not making sense really. What it all comes down to is this, No one else is me. No one else can do what I can do. Their are far more facets to this than I have explained. this is my path, My fate. I am not sacrificing my other relationships. although I do fear the strain on them. As i have said my life has no value to me. If you need me, then you are why I am here. It has been suggested to me recently that I want to be needed. That is not the case at all. I have absolutely no interest in living or being a human. If I was not forced to be alive. If I was not needed then I would be gone. I am trapped by love and empathy. I really do not want anyone to be dependent on me. To be honest I am continuously baffled by the love that others would share with me. I am very insecure about it all. I know that all I love will be taken from me. I must always fear hurting those that I love. I can I belive in the love of someone who will just leave when their problems are solved. I want them to be strong and independent. I want them to be healthy, powerful and confident. I want them to be with me because they are emotionally crippled or projecting fantasies on me. I can barely even see straight. Need me because I am everything you desire in a man. Need me because what you are with me you could never be with anyone else. Love me for all the reasons that I love you. Pure unconditional love because I am all the things that I am. love because who I am touches you in places you never knew anyone could touch you. You get the idea. This was a mess. I should erase it later. I need to do somthign else now.
http://www.myspace.com/luxdivon
Go to this site, listen to her music. It is her first songs and I think that everyone should go and listen to it. She is extraordinarily beautiful in every way that one can be. She has been so kind as to share the beauty of her sexuality which has not been respected. She is an artist who is very talented. I am deeply impressed by her and what she is capable of. I am trying to control myself here and not go off on a rant about it. Just give her a chance and give her the respect she deserves. If you do not like her music that is fine. If you do please tell her.
Let me think a bit.
I am not going to write what I was going to write now. I just took a shower. Orange flavored coffee is surprisingly nice. Their is this beer I love. It is an orange blossom cream ale. It has a subtle refreshing flavor. beautiful. Also their is a beer called Ephemere that is quite lovely as well. I don't know what do to with myself at any given moment. I do not even know what me means most of the time. I am not sure who inside here should be called me. I am not sure if I am me or am a creation of them to be some sort of intermediary. Their is the biological body of me. Their is here where I am. Then their are the places in the back where they are and all the other levels. it is like I am looking through a doorway into this vertical tube. At the top and bottom are pure white light. I can see the other levels. but I cannot go to them or see what is in there. I hear murmurs. I get messages. but nothing very clear. The voices vary in how they interact with me. their are usually two are sitting behind me. Sometimes more. Often they are a help. They talk amongst themselves and it does not pertain to me. When their are things that I do not understand or I am confused someone in their can explain it to me. Someone always knows something. plus they keep me together. no one knows what a hopeless fucked up mess I am. they deal with it and cooperate with each other. no matter what happens with me or any given personality, their is always someone else to hold me up. The problems come up when it comes to the ones they love and desire. They are all different people and fall in love with different people. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is the truth. To me it sounds ridiculous but it is and I have accepted it as it is. They have always been there. They just have not always been able to interact with me as they do now. Tell me I am crazy if you wish. Most people have no idea when the personalities change. Their are those who can tell. Generally it is automatic. My personality automatially changes to the person it belongs to. That is the main limit on what anyone can know about me. It is a matter of what you bring out in me. who you inspire or awaken in me. If you cannot find it in me then you cannot know it about me.
okay so now that you told you things I probably should not have. let's move on.
I think I have said it but I am not sure. Basically My pictures are posted for the sake of those who want to see them. If you want to make assumptive judgements about me because of their content then that is your problem and you need not look at them, comment to me about them, or anything. You can go back where you came from. They are there for those who want to see them.
Besides if you are going to assume things about people instead of taking the time to let them personally disappoint you then who would want to be your friend anyway. Hate me for me.
I added some bad photographs some with me smiling sort of.
Jesus is a little weird. Sometimes he asks you to do some sick upsetting things. so you if you are hanging out alone and he starts talking about peanut butter and popsicle sticks just run the fuck away.
Go to this site, listen to her music. It is her first songs and I think that everyone should go and listen to it. She is extraordinarily beautiful in every way that one can be. She has been so kind as to share the beauty of her sexuality which has not been respected. She is an artist who is very talented. I am deeply impressed by her and what she is capable of. I am trying to control myself here and not go off on a rant about it. Just give her a chance and give her the respect she deserves. If you do not like her music that is fine. If you do please tell her.
Let me think a bit.
I am not going to write what I was going to write now. I just took a shower. Orange flavored coffee is surprisingly nice. Their is this beer I love. It is an orange blossom cream ale. It has a subtle refreshing flavor. beautiful. Also their is a beer called Ephemere that is quite lovely as well. I don't know what do to with myself at any given moment. I do not even know what me means most of the time. I am not sure who inside here should be called me. I am not sure if I am me or am a creation of them to be some sort of intermediary. Their is the biological body of me. Their is here where I am. Then their are the places in the back where they are and all the other levels. it is like I am looking through a doorway into this vertical tube. At the top and bottom are pure white light. I can see the other levels. but I cannot go to them or see what is in there. I hear murmurs. I get messages. but nothing very clear. The voices vary in how they interact with me. their are usually two are sitting behind me. Sometimes more. Often they are a help. They talk amongst themselves and it does not pertain to me. When their are things that I do not understand or I am confused someone in their can explain it to me. Someone always knows something. plus they keep me together. no one knows what a hopeless fucked up mess I am. they deal with it and cooperate with each other. no matter what happens with me or any given personality, their is always someone else to hold me up. The problems come up when it comes to the ones they love and desire. They are all different people and fall in love with different people. I know it sounds ridiculous but it is the truth. To me it sounds ridiculous but it is and I have accepted it as it is. They have always been there. They just have not always been able to interact with me as they do now. Tell me I am crazy if you wish. Most people have no idea when the personalities change. Their are those who can tell. Generally it is automatic. My personality automatially changes to the person it belongs to. That is the main limit on what anyone can know about me. It is a matter of what you bring out in me. who you inspire or awaken in me. If you cannot find it in me then you cannot know it about me.
okay so now that you told you things I probably should not have. let's move on.
I think I have said it but I am not sure. Basically My pictures are posted for the sake of those who want to see them. If you want to make assumptive judgements about me because of their content then that is your problem and you need not look at them, comment to me about them, or anything. You can go back where you came from. They are there for those who want to see them.
Besides if you are going to assume things about people instead of taking the time to let them personally disappoint you then who would want to be your friend anyway. Hate me for me.
I added some bad photographs some with me smiling sort of.
Jesus is a little weird. Sometimes he asks you to do some sick upsetting things. so you if you are hanging out alone and he starts talking about peanut butter and popsicle sticks just run the fuck away.
I really always have so much to say. Their is so much in my head. So much inside me. I wish I could share it all. I really need someone to follow me around all day while I talk and record it or to just listen and tell me if it makes sense. I know of maybe a person or two who wouldn't mind that. I am a kinesthetic thinker. I just wish I had someone to record things so I do not lose them. Although anyone who really knows how to trick me into talking will get me to tell them anything and everything. If I forget myself and get lost in explaining things to someone it is not hard to get out of me everything you want to know. as I have said I am easily seduced. If you really are interested in what I am saying then I will just go on and on until you get everything out of me that you want. I have no secrets, except the secrets to get me to tell you everything. I do have to admit that I do have a sort of double standard thing. I noticed that I willingly welcome or invite people to do things that I would never allow myself to or I have to ask permission to first. If you want examples you cannot have them as I do not remember very much of my life. I retain few if any memories of my life because it largely does not interest me. I will remember things about people. I remember the important things about those I love. Mostly I just rememeber information though. Sometimes I like stories. Although mostly in the end I do not care about the story of a thing so much as the information, data, summary of the important parts. People underestimate me so much all of the time. Perhaps it is the illusion of the human life I lead. Perhaps it is the dumbed down existence I live to hide myself from everyone. Yes it is possible to tell me things I do not know. In my personal life I only allow those who are great enough to impress me. It can only be expected that such individuals have something to share with and teach me. Although really in the end I am here to serve them. No matter who you are. No matter what you think. My judgement, my instincts are perfect. They are especially so about people. I know you. I know who you are. Those I am meant to be in love with I tend to really be able to know them. I know you and I understand you. Everything about you. No one should ever doubt me. Please question me. Please try to understand. Please try never to doubt me. I will prove myself to everyone. I will prove myself and my worth to those who want to share this life with me and make sure they never doubt my love, my gifts, or that they made the right decision. People always want me to say things. They want me to produce some arguments or something to support what I have to say about myself. I can prove in my life and my actions. I do not brag and I hate those who do. I tell the truth as it has been presented to me. If I say I can do it then I can. If I say I will then I will no matter what. I know what I am in comparison to those I have experienced in one way or another. I know what people have said about me good and bad. Although few know very much if anything about me. I can only tell you what you allow me to tell you. When I look at you it is not with one set of eyes. When you talk to me you talk to the me that connects to you. I see so much at once. I exist on many levels of consciousness at once. Most of which I am not fully consciously aware. That is part of why I fear myself. Why I distrust myself. They do of their own accord. Sometimes I wonder if I was the will that set these events in motion. Did I place myself in this life to do these tasks. It just seems convenient that I meet these people that I have this transcendent recognition with despite all of my characteristics, rules and principles. It is like if we want him to intercept her they have to meet this way and she has to be like this. Like someone knows my secrets and how to defeat my every effort to isolate myself or hide from everyone. I just wish people appreciated that I Must help. I must serve. I must give. I don't have a life for any other reason. Yes I have goals, dreams, wishes. I do not want anyone to leave me. I wish I could live a nice life with those I am in love with. giving them all my ideas, wisdom and power. Let them feed off of me and let my gifts push their lives to levels they would not have otherwise. Sometimes all you need is someone standing behind you telling you that you can do it. Sometimes you need them to tell you how to do it, or how to defeat and undermine your enemies. Why the fuck can't people love and care like I do? Why aren't their more of me. I feel so guilty when I cannot do enough. I need power to be able to help everyone. I need thai food and a haircut. No I do not have to have sex with everyone I help. If I fall in love with someone and she falls in love with me and she wants to be in my life and allow me in hers then yes we must have a lot of sex. I am the most sexual monster you will ever see. I just have self control. Most of the time it seems like every one else is like some sort of an animal. Yes humans are just apes but we are freaks who have out stayed our welcome and we need a new plan. It is just that physical maturity fools people into thinking that they have mental or emotional maturity as well. I am so tired of doing other peoples thinking for them. NO if you are in my personal life or I wish you to be you are not included in that. I am here to serve you. help you. My life for yours. I am talking about everyone else who just exist to be mediocre or fail. People hassle me for giving people a hard time. or should I say hating them too much. Listen I give humans endless chances. THey always break my heart. You do not know what you are talking about. You are seeing it on one superficial layer. When you really get to know people you can see how awful they are really deep down. who am I suppose to save? these precious little vermin that would with surprisingly little coaxing from a fake authority figure torture someone to death? Look it up it surprised the researchers. No I do not beleive everyone is equal or in equal rights. I do not believe in racism or sexism or anything like that. If your intellect is the rival of a well nourished alaskan route vegetable then maybe you do not need to vote. people think the dipshit puppets we elect are the problem. The people are the problem. I have faith in the dream of humanity. the facts of them as they are now, it kills me to even think about it. But I just cannot stop. I wish people could just fucking stop and listen to themselves. Hitler was elected and did everything he said he was going to do in his best selling book Mein kampf. we just beat those fuckers down so bad the best thing that could happen to them was hitler. So the allied forces of WWI are the real Jew killers. Elected goverments of monied elite decided to make germany eat it so how many millions of jews died? The focus is all about selling an idiot to idiots on TV so your government is fucked forever. The average idiot does not need a bill of rights. They will sell it out if you can scare them enough. the bill of rights is to guarantee the power of the intellectuals and revolutionaries who will take you the fuck down if you decide to try on your stalin pants( he killed more people than hitler just because). Isn;t their patent law in the constitution? Wouldn't that to be something to protect intellectual creation? They wrote it in private. in school I think they sell it to you as some hard work thing. IT WAS A SECRET! They knew that this shit wouldn't fly with the average man, or those who seek to gain power. George washington and ben franklin Hate you for raping their dream. No means No. Do you have any idea of what a great man madison was? He would never get elected in these modern times. Dolly madison stayed in washington with the british coming to destroy all to save all of out sacred government documents. If atheism was an option in 1776 they would have been. then their would be no mention of god in any government anything. She did not know where anyone else was. where the army was. if her husband or other government officials were all dead. She did her duty to save these documents and that george washington painting. We don't elect men as presidents. just spoiled children. It is all a stupid game. this whole world is just a bunch of stupid lies and games. Raise your hand if you got fooled. They rape babies in africa because it is a myth that a virgins blood cures aids and the younger the more potent the blood. SO the cure for aids is raping babies. That is the cure the government has been hiding from us all. You know the slave trade is bigger than ever. REally it is. look it up. How we know which tribe murdering the other tribe is right? I guess the one who kills the most and takes over the government. Their are no more Kalahari bushmen. They have been relocated and their lifestyle destroyed. What I really enjoy is that in our nation we have that mix of anti-intellectuality and reduction of responsibility both legally and socially. Nothing is your fault you magnificent idiot!
In case it comes up What I did for my valentines day By John William Kreutziger IV. Since it was tuesday I did waht I always do on tuesday go to my mothers for dinner, to visit with her and since I have lived in this place do my laundry. My sister passed her boy off on my mother I expect for valentines day purposes. I relaced my work boots and played with my nephew little Johnny(I used to be little johnny). I tryed communicating with him and was unable to decipher if he was having sinus pain or not. he might have been mimicing me. He was coughing and he has been playing with his tongue for some time. I drove him home because as my mom said I am too good to my sister. On the inside I was relfecting on my rage, my pain, The doubel edged blade of love and who I need to use that blade on. Maybe who needs to use it on me.
In case it comes up What I did for my valentines day By John William Kreutziger IV. Since it was tuesday I did waht I always do on tuesday go to my mothers for dinner, to visit with her and since I have lived in this place do my laundry. My sister passed her boy off on my mother I expect for valentines day purposes. I relaced my work boots and played with my nephew little Johnny(I used to be little johnny). I tryed communicating with him and was unable to decipher if he was having sinus pain or not. he might have been mimicing me. He was coughing and he has been playing with his tongue for some time. I drove him home because as my mom said I am too good to my sister. On the inside I was relfecting on my rage, my pain, The doubel edged blade of love and who I need to use that blade on. Maybe who needs to use it on me.
I had something brewing in my head but I guess it is not ripe yet.
I had some one tell me I am pretty to my face and go on to some extent about my attractiveness. I have heard sexy at various times. Some women on another site told me I was beautiful and one asked me if I was a model. I have never really thought about it. I never really thought of myself as attractive. It is not as though it is anything I ever heard in my younger years. Besides I want to be loved for who I am and what I am. If I am attractive enough that a woman desires me then that is good enough. It just seems like I have been recieving more comments on my looks and reactions lately. I do not know. If anyone has anything to say on the subject you are welcome to let me know.
Ahuramainyu [12:36 A.M.]: I am so disgusted by people and unwilling to let them anywhere near me that it is important to me to make sure everyone in my personal life knows how special and important they are.
I had some one tell me I am pretty to my face and go on to some extent about my attractiveness. I have heard sexy at various times. Some women on another site told me I was beautiful and one asked me if I was a model. I have never really thought about it. I never really thought of myself as attractive. It is not as though it is anything I ever heard in my younger years. Besides I want to be loved for who I am and what I am. If I am attractive enough that a woman desires me then that is good enough. It just seems like I have been recieving more comments on my looks and reactions lately. I do not know. If anyone has anything to say on the subject you are welcome to let me know.
Ahuramainyu [12:36 A.M.]: I am so disgusted by people and unwilling to let them anywhere near me that it is important to me to make sure everyone in my personal life knows how special and important they are.
I am so angry beyond description. Fucking yahoo seems to have just ended me. My AOL is ahuramainyu@aol.com
I am cannot remember the last time I was anywhere close to being this angry.
What I would like to see is a world where their is not the empty commercialism and the ravenous rage of consumer psychological warfare. I want to see things made because first and foremost the passion of the people involved for whatever they are making. I want things to be made for their own sake. I want people to say if I do not then no one else will. If the spirit of something is in you then it is incumbent upon you to share it. Really in that sense it is a matter of all the special and unique elements of you need to be shared with others. That will be something I must address further later. I would like to see that people are making things with a proper spirit and passion to not just make something, but to make it the best they possibly can. What would even be better would be for those who have similar ideas to share their passions. Then you have multiple passionate minds and imaginations working together to make things the best that they can and explore whatever it is together to its fullest extent. People not going what can I sell, but what can I create. Love is everything
I apologize for my incoherence. I have been in the middle of complicated situations as of late. In many ways I am a hopeless monster. A lot of thinking. Life changing moments. I can make such great differences in peoples lives. No one else is even close to being what I am. I know how much I can and could in the future make lives better, bring people back from the brink, and save lost souls. It seems like I was born with a list of people to find.
I am cannot remember the last time I was anywhere close to being this angry.
What I would like to see is a world where their is not the empty commercialism and the ravenous rage of consumer psychological warfare. I want to see things made because first and foremost the passion of the people involved for whatever they are making. I want things to be made for their own sake. I want people to say if I do not then no one else will. If the spirit of something is in you then it is incumbent upon you to share it. Really in that sense it is a matter of all the special and unique elements of you need to be shared with others. That will be something I must address further later. I would like to see that people are making things with a proper spirit and passion to not just make something, but to make it the best they possibly can. What would even be better would be for those who have similar ideas to share their passions. Then you have multiple passionate minds and imaginations working together to make things the best that they can and explore whatever it is together to its fullest extent. People not going what can I sell, but what can I create. Love is everything
I apologize for my incoherence. I have been in the middle of complicated situations as of late. In many ways I am a hopeless monster. A lot of thinking. Life changing moments. I can make such great differences in peoples lives. No one else is even close to being what I am. I know how much I can and could in the future make lives better, bring people back from the brink, and save lost souls. It seems like I was born with a list of people to find.
due to my current affliction I will be focusing my work in my xanga. I just do not trust myself and I am so afraid of hurting anyone that I care about. When I have some semblance of myself back I will write in here again. I wish I could explain how much I love. I am sorry I am what I am. I have to go now.
To anyone who would like to know about how I spent my Saturday it is one page over. I have a lot on my mind. Well I always do. All I do all day is discuss and rant about everything in my head. Sometimes out loud. My external and my internal are quite separate. Almost nothing of what I really am inside gets out. I largely run on auto pilot anyway. Everything is automatic. I minimize the need for any external thought. I have a decent enough illusion of a person for people to interact with. It is interesting how far you can get with people on simple set responses. Few people merit really conscious interaction. I try to ignore as many people as possible. It is best to keep my interactions with others to that which is absolutely necessary or desirable. Nothing inside me is ever created or destroyed. It all exists at once. Their is so much I would destroy about myself. Well I should never have been born. I wish I could at least kill my hope, my optimism, and a few of my personalities. All in balance, right? All of them pull in all their own directions at once keeping me here, in my place, on my path. Yes they are useful. Their is nothing that I cannot understand. No perspective I am alien to. I have awareness that transcends my consciousness and life. The balance is better. It is like when I was describing where I live to someone. She pointed out how it seemed to be a rather nice place to live. In many senses it is. It has its own balance. I function because I am all good and all evil running at full power together. The power to feel and give infinite unconditional love. To be able to give and serve as I am needed. Yet to be able to wield my dark side in the ways it is appreciated and desired. This is all ridiculous. if anyone reads this they will think I am insane. Which really I am but no one will every really know. althought their are some with the keys to my secrets. Those who really deserve to know. Those who really were meant to see those deepest places within me will find their way in. I am to be used by those who appreciate the gifts I have to give. I am to be loved by those who were truly meant to love me. Those who will truly accept me and want to really find their rightful place in here. When I find one of those people I do try so hard to help them. Most people will never be closer than arms length. Which is good. The funny thing is that the more dangerous someone could be to me the closer I let them in. Their is someone out their who understands me more than anyone else ever has. She is the most dangerous and frightening person that I have ever met. She found love in me and is afraid that she will harm me. I raise no guard to her. Their is someone else out there who could mean just as much to me. I am trying to open myself up. She fills me with fear and dread. No one in this world will feel what it is to be loved like they will. I am so close to finding my Ultimate level. Soon my truth will be opened and all that I am will be. I have felt it. I have tasted it. When I feel my passion and all the power flowing through me. From the earth into the stars. That feeling when you are afraid to that if you touch her she will turn to ash and blow away. The feeling that when you make love to her she will feel your whole life flow through her, feel your power and then see with new eyes. To make her new and pure with my touch and the gift of all that I have inside me. Their are things I dare not say and I dare not dream. Maybe listening to Sigur ros is messing with me. One of the reasons I prize music is that it has always allowed me to feel emotions that I could not feel otherwise. Sort of a connection to humanity that has been rather elusive. My senstivity and empathy are one thing. The others inside me are another. Regardless of my wishes I am here. My sisters pivotal act has me on a path of "good". I make such an effort to be my ideal. To be what I think should be. I make every effort to be as unselfish as I can. I make every effort to be as polite and considerate as possible. I work ever harder to be what I feel a gentleman, a prince, should be. I sublimate all of my aggression and violent needs into my sexual power and such distractions as video games and toys. I do own and purchase a lot of weapons. Sex and death. I know the cost of the other path. It is a shorter path. It is an easier path. It is a path I can walk all alone and never care. I have taken the path of life, love, and sexuality. The path where I am an animal that hungers, feels, and breathes. So many people waste their lives in all of the illusions. Most are so dull they are happy with it. I never wanted this life. I do not want to take it for granted like every one else. I do not want to waste it. So I will devote it and all I am to those fate has told me to. In the end all is to be able to scoop all those that deserve it and hide them away as I watch the world burn itself out. Then I could set them all back down. Tell them is it all safe and clean. You are free to find your real potential. The true beauty of humanity. None of this makes sense or what I intended to write. I have in intention of reading what I wrote nor do I remember now. I might in a few days. Who knows. I looked at Ondines profile and her set. I avoided it for so long. She is still dead. I still have questions. I have no real fears in my life. I will do everything I can to be as unleashed and open as possible for the sake of my love. My love is everything. It is what I am. It is my salvation and the path to my truth. god their is so much more.
Also I have someone who is far more than a best friend. She has a most special place with me. Despite are differing taste in women.
I just bought Sigur ros, frou frou, dj shadow and suck it and see(just the cd, not the dvd).
To anyone who would like to know about how I spent my Saturday it is one page over. I have a lot on my mind. Well I always do. All I do all day is discuss and rant about everything in my head. Sometimes out loud. My external and my internal are quite separate. Almost nothing of what I really am inside gets out. I largely run on auto pilot anyway. Everything is automatic. I minimize the need for any external thought. I have a decent enough illusion of a person for people to interact with. It is interesting how far you can get with people on simple set responses. Few people merit really conscious interaction. I try to ignore as many people as possible. It is best to keep my interactions with others to that which is absolutely necessary or desirable. Nothing inside me is ever created or destroyed. It all exists at once. Their is so much I would destroy about myself. Well I should never have been born. I wish I could at least kill my hope, my optimism, and a few of my personalities. All in balance, right? All of them pull in all their own directions at once keeping me here, in my place, on my path. Yes they are useful. Their is nothing that I cannot understand. No perspective I am alien to. I have awareness that transcends my consciousness and life. The balance is better. It is like when I was describing where I live to someone. She pointed out how it seemed to be a rather nice place to live. In many senses it is. It has its own balance. I function because I am all good and all evil running at full power together. The power to feel and give infinite unconditional love. To be able to give and serve as I am needed. Yet to be able to wield my dark side in the ways it is appreciated and desired. This is all ridiculous. if anyone reads this they will think I am insane. Which really I am but no one will every really know. althought their are some with the keys to my secrets. Those who really deserve to know. Those who really were meant to see those deepest places within me will find their way in. I am to be used by those who appreciate the gifts I have to give. I am to be loved by those who were truly meant to love me. Those who will truly accept me and want to really find their rightful place in here. When I find one of those people I do try so hard to help them. Most people will never be closer than arms length. Which is good. The funny thing is that the more dangerous someone could be to me the closer I let them in. Their is someone out their who understands me more than anyone else ever has. She is the most dangerous and frightening person that I have ever met. She found love in me and is afraid that she will harm me. I raise no guard to her. Their is someone else out there who could mean just as much to me. I am trying to open myself up. She fills me with fear and dread. No one in this world will feel what it is to be loved like they will. I am so close to finding my Ultimate level. Soon my truth will be opened and all that I am will be. I have felt it. I have tasted it. When I feel my passion and all the power flowing through me. From the earth into the stars. That feeling when you are afraid to that if you touch her she will turn to ash and blow away. The feeling that when you make love to her she will feel your whole life flow through her, feel your power and then see with new eyes. To make her new and pure with my touch and the gift of all that I have inside me. Their are things I dare not say and I dare not dream. Maybe listening to Sigur ros is messing with me. One of the reasons I prize music is that it has always allowed me to feel emotions that I could not feel otherwise. Sort of a connection to humanity that has been rather elusive. My senstivity and empathy are one thing. The others inside me are another. Regardless of my wishes I am here. My sisters pivotal act has me on a path of "good". I make such an effort to be my ideal. To be what I think should be. I make every effort to be as unselfish as I can. I make every effort to be as polite and considerate as possible. I work ever harder to be what I feel a gentleman, a prince, should be. I sublimate all of my aggression and violent needs into my sexual power and such distractions as video games and toys. I do own and purchase a lot of weapons. Sex and death. I know the cost of the other path. It is a shorter path. It is an easier path. It is a path I can walk all alone and never care. I have taken the path of life, love, and sexuality. The path where I am an animal that hungers, feels, and breathes. So many people waste their lives in all of the illusions. Most are so dull they are happy with it. I never wanted this life. I do not want to take it for granted like every one else. I do not want to waste it. So I will devote it and all I am to those fate has told me to. In the end all is to be able to scoop all those that deserve it and hide them away as I watch the world burn itself out. Then I could set them all back down. Tell them is it all safe and clean. You are free to find your real potential. The true beauty of humanity. None of this makes sense or what I intended to write. I have in intention of reading what I wrote nor do I remember now. I might in a few days. Who knows. I looked at Ondines profile and her set. I avoided it for so long. She is still dead. I still have questions. I have no real fears in my life. I will do everything I can to be as unleashed and open as possible for the sake of my love. My love is everything. It is what I am. It is my salvation and the path to my truth. god their is so much more.
Also I have someone who is far more than a best friend. She has a most special place with me. Despite are differing taste in women.
I just bought Sigur ros, frou frou, dj shadow and suck it and see(just the cd, not the dvd).
Today I had Christmas at my fathers house. I had some interesting conversations with my sisters. We may be working on some projects with each other. That would be nice. We talked about childrens books. I didn't really feel like going but I went. I just don't feel well. I do not actually at any time ever but expecially not lately. Their are the times when I can interact with those who I value most and that makes me feel well. I will talk about this some other time maybe. Anyway, christmas at my dad's was the usual pretty much. Little Johnny was boisterous and Jade was tolerable. It is essentially impossible to tell my father I do not need gifts. He gave me the fourth season of Mr. Show which was good. I don't know who he talked to but somehow he gave me a plush where the wild things are monster and a nice hardcover copy of the book. I have the action figures and I have been wanting for sometime to get the book and a nice shelf to put up a display with the figures arranged in front of the open book so that it is like they are coming out of it. Now I really have to go get the rest of the plushes as well. Beyond that their were the dad gifts. We all recieved books had our names in the title. I got some sort of Johnny appleseed book. Then he seems to pick a store and go nuts. We all found ourselves with cans of butane, and then extra powerful cooking torches. I already have several handheld trigger fired butane torches. This one is a kitchen one that I wouldn't carry with me though. It will be nice if I make Creme brulee's or something. Also if i need to interrogate a prisoner. Then their were the Nordicware microwave things. An egg poacher and an omelette thing. I didn't have a waffle iron now I do. I had a slow cooker, now I have two. Oh and a thing of raspberry scone mix. I gave him a hug. It would seem that some sort of magic happens when I am around that he manages to not do anything that makes me angry. Well as long as it is just stories from my sisters then it is fine. I can tolerate just about any ridiculous behavior as long as it is not in my face. I know other people have worse families. Others peoples families have proven to be unbelievably appalling. I appreciate what my parents did correctly. However I do not tolerate ridiculous behavior from anyone. I was asked to go to a friends home for new years. I think about it. I will feel guilty if I do not go. I really do not feel like it. I don't want to leave my apartment. I do not feel like drinking anything. Well tea, I always drink tea. I have not shaved, showered, or put in my contacts. I know what I need.
