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I promised a certain someone that I would write a descriptive, lengthy blog, truly explaining how I am feeling right now. I have decided that I am not doing this for this person as much as I am doing it for myself.
For the past several weeks my life has been a whirlwind of extreme changes, realizations and new beginnings. Without the assistance of marijuana, I have been forced, at least for the last week, to face reality. I have been told that to a certain extent, it helps to bury your feelings, in order to get through an extremely emotional and stressful time. Last night, while driving back to my father's from Andy and Shawn's, I wanted to cry, but could not. I don't know if this is because of the pills--I know I'm capable of crying--I did it a good amount while I was with Nick. Maybe that's it though--maybe I'm all out of tears--I have no idea. It's not that I did not feel sad, because I did. I just couldn't cry. It can get frustrating sometimes.
I am a pro when it comes to burying feelings. I learned to do it exceptionally well at a young age, so it's no wonder that I still do it. Yesterday, Nick showed up at my dad's before I left for work. He wanted me to help him move some of his stuff up to Akron--he needed me to drive my SUV there and back because he had ran out of room in the U-Haul and his car. I said no and consequently was berated for being irresponsible. This was my responsibility, my fault, he couldn't believe I wouldn't do this one thing for him. I told him to leave, and so he left angry. I don't know how I managed to stay calm throughout the whole thing. I know he's trying to get to my head and I just knew it wouldn't be a good idea AT ALL to drive up there. Part of me felt like an awful person though.
What I currently have with Shawn is something completely natural. I feel comfortable and happy with him. But spending practically every waking moment with someone for a year and a half, well, you begin to feel as though they are a part of you. I can't help but feel empty at times because Nick is no longer here. I suppose the important thing is that I know this is the right decision.
I think that's enough spilling my guts for now.
If you haven't already, watch Zombie Strippers. It is hilarious.
"Convince me you're human. And make it ontological."
For the past several weeks my life has been a whirlwind of extreme changes, realizations and new beginnings. Without the assistance of marijuana, I have been forced, at least for the last week, to face reality. I have been told that to a certain extent, it helps to bury your feelings, in order to get through an extremely emotional and stressful time. Last night, while driving back to my father's from Andy and Shawn's, I wanted to cry, but could not. I don't know if this is because of the pills--I know I'm capable of crying--I did it a good amount while I was with Nick. Maybe that's it though--maybe I'm all out of tears--I have no idea. It's not that I did not feel sad, because I did. I just couldn't cry. It can get frustrating sometimes.
I am a pro when it comes to burying feelings. I learned to do it exceptionally well at a young age, so it's no wonder that I still do it. Yesterday, Nick showed up at my dad's before I left for work. He wanted me to help him move some of his stuff up to Akron--he needed me to drive my SUV there and back because he had ran out of room in the U-Haul and his car. I said no and consequently was berated for being irresponsible. This was my responsibility, my fault, he couldn't believe I wouldn't do this one thing for him. I told him to leave, and so he left angry. I don't know how I managed to stay calm throughout the whole thing. I know he's trying to get to my head and I just knew it wouldn't be a good idea AT ALL to drive up there. Part of me felt like an awful person though.
What I currently have with Shawn is something completely natural. I feel comfortable and happy with him. But spending practically every waking moment with someone for a year and a half, well, you begin to feel as though they are a part of you. I can't help but feel empty at times because Nick is no longer here. I suppose the important thing is that I know this is the right decision.
I think that's enough spilling my guts for now.
If you haven't already, watch Zombie Strippers. It is hilarious.
"Convince me you're human. And make it ontological."
SEPTEMBER 2008
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