Thanks to Doug Stevens, who found the Holiday Vogue Issue's Cover strikingly similar to me Hott! Thank you Doug!






YAY!

Today more than ever I have lost all my hope. I do not want to be here anymore. Why?

I am so sad. I am alone, I am frustrated. And I am in a lot of pain every day. I don't care anymore...I am loosing my self. I cannot keep putting a fake smile on my face.

Thank you Bob!

Since she isn't able to sign my print of her, she did this! SO CUTE! Love it, she is gorgeous and a sweetheart!

Drooling over these.....
Anyone want to send me an early Christmas present? I have been VERY good

Heheh!

REALLY WANT THESE PANTS! OMFG! Cuteness abides!

http://suicidegirls.com/shop/209/Lounge-Pants/

(because I have an amazing ass....seriously.)


and.... http://suicidegirls.com/shop/211/SG-Booty-Shorts/


http://suicidegirls.com/shop/210/Organic-Long-Sleeve-Logo-Tee/

(Looks SO warm and cozy for winter!


http://suicidegirls.com/shop/202/Girls-Sleeveless-T/

(dammit, this is just cute....I cannot think of a reason I NEED it...but...)

















Sizes Xl or L....if you want...no pressure. Hehe.

Convo me for an updated address. Please?


Photos of me wearing the new fun things...will come, if you build it...lol!

NEVADA; I AM IN YOU! I hear the rabbits running... Out to hunt a cast of Harris Hawks tomorrow and meet a future pack member!!!!
So excited. Worth the almost 10 hour drive. Exhausted. But glad.

My first Jack Rabbit tail from my first hawk's catch.
My bells for my new Harris Hawk.
His new snazzy triangle swivel.
Double Kangaroo Hide Gauntlet from Northwoods.com
My Cherokee Medicine Pouch with varies treasures.
And lots of hope and luck

What happened to me today was shocking, and discusting, such so that I cannot speak of it until my confidentiality is not in danger. But that is not what I am going to tell you about now.
Five months ago I met my (now Fiancee) amazing man, and we traveled to the Oregon coast for a well-deserved and desperately needed retreat.
I wore a favorite necklace of mine on my favorite leather cord. We had room number 205 and it was the most amazing night of my life, and the ocean to follow healed my wounds that instantly cauterized. I fell in love that day. But I didn’t know I had lost something important.
Tonight I stumbled into the bedroom after my scalding hot shower, bumped into a shelf, causing my magazine to fall on my foot. I grabbed it, and considered reading while in bed, but I was so tired so I just flipped it open.
I read there a small exert about healing stones. I immediately thought of my Silver Eye of Horus when I read that Peridot (the eye of the piece) is HEALING and PROTECTION. I sure could use those two things more than ever right now. Never have I been this sick, depressed, stressed, and at the thoughts of my own demise, end. So I did what I felt was so obvious, I grabbed my pendant to wear now to bed.
This weekend I went back to the same beach and stayed in the same place, in room 207 however.
I found my healing there with the sea, once again. Nothing could hurt me there. And for the very first time in my life. I closed my eyes in the shower, for more than the two seconds it takes to clean my face. This was powerful. I am healing…
This weekend, before I went to sleep in room 207, I pulled the nightstand from the wall so I could plug in my phone. A small silver jump ring was laying there right under my feet. I picked it up and felt that I should keep it. It was important.
After I grabbed my pendent tonight, I went to find my cord. The cord has been missing the silver jump ring from it since I went there the first time. I realized that I should put this one I had found on my necklace! Why else? It was meant to be on it, one would think?
I would have to say that if something so small could find the way back to me via this SERENDIPITY… then I need to connect it back, and now I am wearing it.
This is an unexplainable set of events, but absolutely fortuitous.
I am safe, and I will heal.

More here:http://afeatheredworld.wordpress.com/

In the last three days; I exercized many old ghosts, said long due goodbyes to a town I loved and the few happy times I had there, photographed the most beautiful flower in the world, helped a friend who needed my floral design skills, had a 10 minute, (or was it longer? I can't remember, relatively..!) had a hand to heart and eye to eye conversation with a beautiful young female horse, drank that long overdue tea, managed my still active Bend galleries, saw a meteor shower that made me cry, realized that my grandmother's genetic code and fire to be a dare devil runs as thick as the carbon of my being, that a great change requires also great risk; but in the end worth infinite.... And so much more my mind can no longer recall. All of this on approximately 8 hours of collective sleep for the entire week times all of the other health problems and emotional anguish no one should ever feel but the ones who raped the souls.

But I am steel, and I broke back there... But I found my miracle.
I can sleep now.

This is what happened tonight... I was just trying to shower so I could get my 103 degree fever down. (1000 mg of Tylenol and Motrin, 800, still doesn't touch it, I am really scared.)

And the 25 lb. shower sliding glass POS door, fell off right onto the top of my right foot. I am not ok, went to the ER. It is NOT broken, but there is bleeding inside the bone area and she said the pain will be worse possibly than a break.

WTF. I am so sad. I am in so much pain, I JUST WANT A BREAK. Please. Life....? Hello? Send me an Angel.... please... I got a tetanus shot, since the metal cut my foot deep.
I am making healthy and integrative healing choices....but when THIS happens on top of it all else. I cannot deal. I am now taking a large amount of pills and going to sleep. Just glad they wrapped my whole ankle and foot up with amazing/pain relieving bandage. And the Nurse was so kind, she threw in an extra fancy one for me to keep it safe for weeks.
Please, no more pain.

I am alone. And I cannot walk. This is SHIT. I just want to HEAL!!!!

My fever is so high I am hallucinating, the doctor thinks something else is wrong besides the Sinusitis, Kidney Stones, and other various ailments. So I am scared and left to wait...till I can see a doctor here. PLEASE HELP ME. A card...a gift, anything...if anyone wants to send me a little present or something to cheer me...even a dammed sticky note smiley face in the mail....I need happy. Please help.

Going to the mattresses.




So what should I wear to court tomorrow?

I wish I had the means, the money, the vengeance would be mine. I want to explode, I want to cut my own neck, I want to end this madness. I have no idea what the hell I am even here for anymore.


Justice will be served. Welcome to war, this is done.

I am your worst nightmare, and I hate myself.




I sometimes wonder, wouldn't suicide be better for everyone? I feel like a burden. I am tired.

THIS SHIT IS FUCKED! I am mourning the freedoms that were ripped away from me, and still are being stripped away. I am still holding on, only if you all knew what was going on.



Maybe I should enlighten, vent, fuck it all....ooohh, wait ... I won't hear the end of it.

Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't.



Kidney Stones, Sinusitis, Cymbalta dose change, went straight off of Percocet after I cracked my tooth to the root off, withdrawals that almost caused my suicide, a hernia inside my HERNIA REPAIR, no sleep, a horrible doctor here that thinks I am a drug addict, and obviously faking SEIZURES. Right. Ok.

Then tack on 500 more things thrown at me each day.



Seriously I am SICK. AND I AM TIRED OF BEING HERE. I need a bird. I need a way to GET around. No car? O .... I will just fly everywhere, right. Ok. Growing some goddammed wings is next on the list of things I am NOT ABLE TO DO. I am not perfect. Fuck.

I am about 24 hours away from going to buy a hand puppet and expelling my REAL feelings about this shit to the world.
OMG THIS IS GOING TO BE ME!!!! lol. fuck. it. all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRMKernu99Y




I need a new pair of running shoes.
I am so angry.
I just ran blocks in the rain, then a stick broke to my right ... There was a young buck about 6 feet from me in a garden... We both paused to asses each other.
He knew what was up, and so I ran as fast as I could after him, till he eventually beat my slow ass and leaped a huge wall to the woods.
I need to hunt.

My soul screams for a solice.
I was born in the wrong time.

I am a vigilante. I am never letting a single person fuck with me ever again, and if they do...



Karma? Maybe that's my new name.









Oh and I am weening off Klonpin. Thank goodness for Medical Cannabis.FUCK!





ALSO!

SAVE THE TATAS!!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/elinay/8085453481/in/photostream


And I just placed an order for the new SG T, CUTE Black LongSleeve, and Panties! WOOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I DESERVE IT!