A mind that makes itself humble
is no longer a humble mind.
It is only when one has humility,
not a cultivated humility,
that one is able to meet
the things of life that are so pressing,
because then one is not important,
one doesn't look through
one's own pressures
and sense of importance;
one looks at the problem for itself
and then one is able to solve it.
J. Krishnamurti
Today I feel great. I had a great night out with the ladies last night, woke up feeling happy. May have sent a 330 text that I shouldn't have. But I'm glad I did, and now we have plans for tomorrow. Couldn't be mad about that!
Tonight is B**'s birthday party. Made some wicked ass brownies for him. Brownie, mint icing layer, chocolate layer. So good.
is no longer a humble mind.
It is only when one has humility,
not a cultivated humility,
that one is able to meet
the things of life that are so pressing,
because then one is not important,
one doesn't look through
one's own pressures
and sense of importance;
one looks at the problem for itself
and then one is able to solve it.
J. Krishnamurti
Today I feel great. I had a great night out with the ladies last night, woke up feeling happy. May have sent a 330 text that I shouldn't have. But I'm glad I did, and now we have plans for tomorrow. Couldn't be mad about that!
Tonight is B**'s birthday party. Made some wicked ass brownies for him. Brownie, mint icing layer, chocolate layer. So good.
Debating, should I go to yoga today? I think they moved the location and I'm not on the mailing list so I won't know where too. And I'm having a really crappy day. And I would like to go to Schooners at seven. But I would like to see the girls... I am going to see them at the martini party tomorrow. Hmm... what a complex decision.
I know I have to get out of the house regardless. And probably leave my phone here.
I know I have to get out of the house regardless. And probably leave my phone here.
Everyone keeps telling me I don't look happy. It's strange. I have a lot on my mind and am going through some tough emotional shit... But unlike other times in my life I AM actually still happy. I'm still working out, having fun with friends, and working on my stuff. The only difference is I have a hole where he used to fill. My alone time is often sad. When I get caught up in thoughts about me and him... But overall. I'm happy.
I'm going to try and go until Sunday without talking to him, unless of course he talks to me. Day one was successful. Wonder if he'll miss me.
I'm going to try and go until Sunday without talking to him, unless of course he talks to me. Day one was successful. Wonder if he'll miss me.
All sorts of confused...
Saturday seems almost like we're a couple again. Sunday I'm shunned, Monday we have a 20min phone call about not much, but it seems friendly enough. But I don't know how to read him anymore!
I would think someone who was in love and with someone for a year doesn't fall out of love in a night, doesn't get over it in a week. So he couldn't be over me, yet he's still talking to me and hanging out with me. SO what is that? What's the purpose, what are his intentions. What the hell does he want or is hoping for!?
I'm getting so frustrated and confused and I know I need to decide: Love him, or leave him.
Saturday seems almost like we're a couple again. Sunday I'm shunned, Monday we have a 20min phone call about not much, but it seems friendly enough. But I don't know how to read him anymore!
I would think someone who was in love and with someone for a year doesn't fall out of love in a night, doesn't get over it in a week. So he couldn't be over me, yet he's still talking to me and hanging out with me. SO what is that? What's the purpose, what are his intentions. What the hell does he want or is hoping for!?
I'm getting so frustrated and confused and I know I need to decide: Love him, or leave him.
We need to be alone for awhile.
That's what I've been told.
As I'm glancing in his desperate eyes,
waiting for me to leave.
I wonder, is it hidden pain
forced emotionless,
or does he really not care?
He doesn't say he loves me,
not in those words.
But when he hugs me...
well, I know he still does.
Is it over for good?
Who really will know,
until we die or are brought back together.
It appears it's time to see what the fates will bring
And I,
can only wait
and be alone
for awhile.
That's what I've been told.
As I'm glancing in his desperate eyes,
waiting for me to leave.
I wonder, is it hidden pain
forced emotionless,
or does he really not care?
He doesn't say he loves me,
not in those words.
But when he hugs me...
well, I know he still does.
Is it over for good?
Who really will know,
until we die or are brought back together.
It appears it's time to see what the fates will bring
And I,
can only wait
and be alone
for awhile.
Everyone told me to take er easy, not to call him and I agreed, I thought I'd give it a week.
He's been out of work for three weeks, he has no money. Last week I had offered to help him pay for rent which he graciously accepted stating that, "he wanted to ask, but didn't want to ask."
Today, being the first of the month I knew he had to do something about that rent. I know that he would never call me and ask for it after all of this, would rather take the heat from his landlord than accept failure. I called him.
I did it in a very particular way though. When he picked up the phone I asked for the sexy young man who hurt his knee, which he quite appropriately replied with that he wasn't around but that he would take a message. I continued, telling him that there was a beautiful girl here who wanted to give him a message. Then I proceeded to offer "her" help in paying his rent and invite him out for appies and drinks some day before the 11th. He said that the young man would be interested in the drinks and would call her.
I think the playfulness, the flirtations, non-direct and non-intruding nature of the call was perfect for the current situation. He told me to take it easy and relax when I asked what to do about this situation, just like last time we fought/broke up. I'm taking it easy. I'm there for him if he needs it, I let him know I'm thinking of him, and I make open ended plans. I'm being that friend who's interested in being more. And really that's what I am right now.
I'm working a lot on myself, and my novel! And I'm not going to stress about this. If it works out it works out and if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I will take a trip or do something completely new and random.
Regardless of what happens I'm learning a lot about myself, Clint, relationships, life... Experience is key.I'm feeling very hopeful.
He's been out of work for three weeks, he has no money. Last week I had offered to help him pay for rent which he graciously accepted stating that, "he wanted to ask, but didn't want to ask."
Today, being the first of the month I knew he had to do something about that rent. I know that he would never call me and ask for it after all of this, would rather take the heat from his landlord than accept failure. I called him.
I did it in a very particular way though. When he picked up the phone I asked for the sexy young man who hurt his knee, which he quite appropriately replied with that he wasn't around but that he would take a message. I continued, telling him that there was a beautiful girl here who wanted to give him a message. Then I proceeded to offer "her" help in paying his rent and invite him out for appies and drinks some day before the 11th. He said that the young man would be interested in the drinks and would call her.
I think the playfulness, the flirtations, non-direct and non-intruding nature of the call was perfect for the current situation. He told me to take it easy and relax when I asked what to do about this situation, just like last time we fought/broke up. I'm taking it easy. I'm there for him if he needs it, I let him know I'm thinking of him, and I make open ended plans. I'm being that friend who's interested in being more. And really that's what I am right now.
I'm working a lot on myself, and my novel! And I'm not going to stress about this. If it works out it works out and if it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I will take a trip or do something completely new and random.
Regardless of what happens I'm learning a lot about myself, Clint, relationships, life... Experience is key.I'm feeling very hopeful.
I am officially no longer drinking. It has never done anything in my life besides fucking shit up.
Who the hell punches a girl in the face because their boyfriend wants to sleep with her? Me.
I still feel fairly justified, but really, honestly? What the fucking hell is wrong with me!?
I'm now the crazy ex...
Apparently no body ever liked me, just him, and he had to stand up for being with me all the fucking time. I broke the camel's back with a very big straw...
I need sleep, I didn't get any last night. Crying, feeling the need to, but not actually puking, and just everything racing through my mind.
He's probably right. I probably AM "bat-shit insane" I suppose my prior blogs of happiness and potential marriage are now more than fucking void.
I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to focus on me and be the best person that I can be and if he loves me, like I know he does, he'll realize that I am genuinely sorry and willing to do anything, even if everyone hates me.
And if he doesn't. Guess it wasn't meant to happen. Hard to imagine that though, hard for me to imagine that this isn't right. Because it feels so right.
I feel the need to puke again. I just want it all to come out of me.
Who the hell punches a girl in the face because their boyfriend wants to sleep with her? Me.
I still feel fairly justified, but really, honestly? What the fucking hell is wrong with me!?
I'm now the crazy ex...
Apparently no body ever liked me, just him, and he had to stand up for being with me all the fucking time. I broke the camel's back with a very big straw...
I need sleep, I didn't get any last night. Crying, feeling the need to, but not actually puking, and just everything racing through my mind.
He's probably right. I probably AM "bat-shit insane" I suppose my prior blogs of happiness and potential marriage are now more than fucking void.
I'm going to be okay. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to focus on me and be the best person that I can be and if he loves me, like I know he does, he'll realize that I am genuinely sorry and willing to do anything, even if everyone hates me.
And if he doesn't. Guess it wasn't meant to happen. Hard to imagine that though, hard for me to imagine that this isn't right. Because it feels so right.
I feel the need to puke again. I just want it all to come out of me.
SO my good friend just found out that he got into the University of Edinburgh to continue his masters under his idol (apparently the man who wrote the textbook on Alan's specialty). We are all super excited for him and going out for schooners again! This time I don't think I will have three, but who knows, I don't work tomorrow!
While I'm really happy that he got this great opportunity I'm sad. One, one of my best friends is going to be moving away. Two, he IS the glue that binds our group together. He always co-ordinates events, has people over, and he's how we all know each other. I'm afraid that when he leaves we will all fall apart.
In other news, Clint is coming home today, yay! Can't wait to get some hardcore cuddling on the go. At work today, we got in some vintage Skipper and Scooter dolls, cases, and a bunch of clothes. I just finished researching the value, wait for it: over a grand for the whole thing! That's insane! And definitely the most expensive haul I have personally found at the store. Not going to lie, it pales in comparison to the $9,000 diamond earring we got once...
Wow, what a wicked day. Now, time to go drink and eat nachos!
While I'm really happy that he got this great opportunity I'm sad. One, one of my best friends is going to be moving away. Two, he IS the glue that binds our group together. He always co-ordinates events, has people over, and he's how we all know each other. I'm afraid that when he leaves we will all fall apart.
In other news, Clint is coming home today, yay! Can't wait to get some hardcore cuddling on the go. At work today, we got in some vintage Skipper and Scooter dolls, cases, and a bunch of clothes. I just finished researching the value, wait for it: over a grand for the whole thing! That's insane! And definitely the most expensive haul I have personally found at the store. Not going to lie, it pales in comparison to the $9,000 diamond earring we got once...
Wow, what a wicked day. Now, time to go drink and eat nachos!
I think I have decided that I want to move to another country for a period of time. Possibly Ireland. Anyone have tips on how a person goes about doing such a thing? How do I find a job, a house, how much money do I need to save, what kind of visa do I need?
