Hi.
So things are still bad for me. I think many of you are starting to lose patience with me too, since the bulk of the advice I got on my last entry more or less boiled down to "Suck it up, faggot". I'm sorry, I can't help that all I really am inside is a terrified little boy. Someone did ask why, if I have money, am I not helping my mom and stepdad out with the mortgage. Aside from the fact that they would never accept it even if I offered it, after 2 years of saving up my money, it would be a big waste to use it to Basically just buy my mom and stepdad a couple more months, and then they'll just be right back in this same position, and I have nothing to show for it. It'd just be delaying the inevitable and blowing my nest egg at the same time. But yeah, right now it looks like they're going to try and file bankruptcy very fast in a manner that will allow them to keep the house. If that doesn't work, we might have to move, and then I have to start seriously considering getting my own place.
Anyways, if you read the last entry I already laid out all of my reasons for why I'm scared of doing this and how I'm not ready even though I'm, at least chronologically if not mentally or emotionally, a grown man, so I'm not going to reiterate that stuff here. But between the fear I have of trying to be self-reliant and the ever increasing feelings of loneliness, which are starting to become worse than ever, I find myself sinking into the lowest depression I've felt in years. Considering it was almost 3 months ago that I was the happiest I had been in years, this has certainly been one fucked up year. 2008. One for the books in my life, certainly. Who knows? By 2009 I might be living on my own in some piece of shit one bedroom apartment, barely making ends meet, and so completely and totally alone and isolated that it takes a concentrated effort not to cry. Hell, it's bad enough I've been crying myself to sleep pretty much every night. The redness under my eyes is pretty much a permanent fixture.
There. Now you all know what I look like without glasses. Last week was a little rougher than usual since my best friend was on vacation, so I was even more alone and isolated than I usually am, since I was pretty much anti-social. I could have spent break with Kerri (who herself is on vacation this week), but some of the other co-workers sit with her now, and for the same reasons I don't eat lunch across the street with them, I don't want to spend my breaks with them either. If my best friend and Kerri sitting with them becomes a regular thing, I might just skip hanging out on break with them altogether and just spend all my breaks in my cubicle, which means my only interaction with my real life friends will be when we hang out outside of work, which is pretty rare. So yeah, I am becoming more and more alone almost every day.
The only day last week I felt kind of okay, was on Friday. The entire department, except me, dressed up as Dalmatians, and for some reason the girls in the department, including CGCN, put their hair in pigtails for this. I have never seen a Dalmatian with pigtails, but whatever. Add to this that another department dressed up as nerds (a costume I wear every day of my life) and the girls all put their hair in pigtails for that. So yeah, there were an abundance of girls in pigtails that day. That pleased me. But yeah, I was the one party pooper who didn't join everyone else in dressing like a Dalmatian, instead I hung back and took some pictures for Kerri and my fav of the bosses. The pics I took for my boss were later e-mailed to everyone, so I forwarded them to my home E-mail so I could make a stalker collage of CGCN in her pigtails using MSPaint. Yeah, I'm such a fucking creepy guy. Why didn't I join the others in dressing up like a dog? Well, because for all my talk about not being with people and wanting to be normal and have fun, there is also a part of me that likes being the outsider, the unique one. "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us". That and I hate wearing white. I have one white, long sleeve shirt, and I only wear it when none of my other work clothes are clean. I wear white shirts to bed, with things like Lisa Loeb or Kurt Cobain on them, but I prefer black or sometimes grey.
Last week I did make an effort to fake being happy. Or at least, hide how sad and miserable I am. On Friday we had some computer issues which forced me to leave my fav boss numerous Post-It notes on her desk. I usually draw a little smiley face on them for her, but this time I drew more elaborate, Halloween-themed pictures on them. She then cut the pics out of the post-its and hung them up in her cube, so that was kind of funny. Then today both my fav boss and Katie, this girl who sits in front of me (nice girl, cute, but not my type so no mini-crush like CGCN) asked me how "Saw 5" was, and my fav boss also started watching "Twin Peaks" upon my suggestion, so she was telling me what she thought of it so far, so that was the extent of my social-ness today. I didn't spend break with my best friend, but she stopped by my table at lunch to fill me in on some her vacation stuff and show me some pics from her trip.
Thursday we had a 90 minute meeting with some mid-level big wigs at my banks parent company. I don't know how much of the meeting was BS corporate propaganda so we're not all worried about being laid off after the parent company was bailed out by the UK government and 58& of it could end up being owned by that Govt, but they joked and swore light-heartedly, and assured us that they would actually ADD jobs to our departments and not cut them (lots of collections people needed in a bad economy after all). Still not quite convinced my job and the company is safe right now, but I appreciated 90 minutes off of the phones.
I dunno. I'm just really fucked up right now. I'm not logging on to Yahoo or Stickam as much lately because I just don't feel like talking to any of my internet friends. In the same way that porn just kind of depresses me now because it's a reminder of something I can't have (sex, or even physical closeness with a female) talking with internet friends (at least a few of whom are attractive girls who might actually date me if I lived anywhere near them) is another reminder of what I can't have...a girlfriend...or even friends I can hang out with more often. Then again, no one wants to hang out with someone as gloomy as me, and I feel so guilty about depressing those around me with my own shit that I often push people away, which is how I lost my old friends from high school. It's just hard because what I want is so simple and easy for everyone else, and yet for some reason is so goddamn impossible for me. HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE MEET PEOPLE ANYWAY?!?!
That's a quote from "Choke". I posted it before, but I made a picture out of it. Bored weekend alone, what can I say. Yeah, "Saw 5" was pretty good, gave it a B..which is the lowest I've given a film in the series so far. They're supposedly only making one more, and I think that's good because the series is running itself out. The more they keep retconning the more they are going to ruin Jigsaw. First he forces people who don't appreciate their lives to appreciate their life, then he's rehabilitating people who have done bad things in their life. First he sets up games where anyone has a reasonable chance of winning, then he sets up games heavily stacked in favor of the subject losing but then claims he wants the victims to survive and despises murderers, etc. Basically the further it goes, the more Jigsaw is turning from a hurt man who is trying to teach people lessons, to a sick fuck who wants to torture people and devises a fake philosophy so he can feel blameless, and I think that's the wrong direction. Plus part 5 cut some corners dialogue and character development-wise, and Hoffman is far less interesting than Jigsaw or Amanda. But the film was still good.
Halloween is Friday. I have no plans. My mom and stepdad invited me out to go to clubs with them, probably Club Hell and Mardi Gras, along with my stepdad's brother and his girlfriend, but I can't imagine anything more lame than going clubbing with your parents, even if Club Hell on Halloween night, a Friday, would be sweet. But I can't exactly try to pick up girls with my mom there. Not that I'd be successful if I went with Jess or someone else anyway. So yeah, if the times work out I'm just going to go see "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" an then spend the night home alone, probably crying that I can't have hot sex with a girl dressed like a Goth Kittie or something. I'm not a party person anyway, so unless I had a reasonable chance of meeting a girl there, I wouldn't want to go to a Halloween party anyway. Still, it's pretty sad that a horror freak like myself can't find anything to do when Halloween falls on a Friday. That's my main problem, though. All the things I want to do in life are things I can't really do alone, that I need a girlfriend, or at least more friends, to do: to go to a club and have fun (something tells me I'd have more courage talking to girls if I had a group of, I don't know, seven people to go with instead of by myself or just with one or two others), or travel Europe (scary and boring if you go alone), or get an apartment with a girl I'm dating so we have two incomes and are not alone in our challenges, or fuck in a graveyard (oh wait, I already did that one, lol. Now when I listen to the song "Things You See In A Graveyard" from the "Repo" soundtrack, I smile just a little). I wake up alone, I sit in a cubicle at work alone, I eat lunch alone (though this is preferable to sitting with co-workers who I am not comfortable being the "real me" around and feeling awkward and even more miserable...and it gives me a chance to read the Sookie Stackhouse books).
I love "True Blood", especially now that Lizzy Caplin, the cute girl who played Marlena in "Cloverfield", has been topless on it a lot. And Anna Paquin was topless to. The only thing hotter than sex, is VAMPIRE sex, lol. Yeah, this TV show is one of the few things bringing me pleasure lately. It seems like the DVDs I buy or the movies I go to see or the porn I watch or the books/comics I read aren't doing much for me. The usual things I could go to to make me feel a little bit better just don't work much, unless the movie is a masterpiece like a "Choke" or a "Religulous" or something. Hell, my best friend tried to cheer me up today with a tried and true method, and it didn't do much good. It's just that the things I want are things I can't buy in a store, and no one I know can give me. Yes I want love and a girlfriend. Or someone to cuddle with. Or at least a willing partner to be with on some of these cold, lonesome nights to help me fuck the pain away for at least a little while, if only a hour or two to take my mind away from this lonely, pathetic, meaningless life I lead. And next week we have to set the clocks back and it's just going to get darker and colder. Before you know it, there will be snow and the dreaded New Year's Eve and...ugh, I don't want to think about it. But when you're isolated in your bedroom alone, with no one to hold and tell you everything will be okay, all you have is time to think think think.
I've been spending a lot more time on Suicidegirls lately. It seems no one talks through Myspace anymore, I fucking hate facebook with a fiery passion, and besides Porch and Tiffany no one talks to me though Yahoo...and Fubar's just Fubar. Suicidegirls at least has members who are like me : lonely guys who don't quite fit in....the other members are either douchebag guys (just a few) or hot girls (and who doesn't like talking to them). I must admit, sad as it may be, I get a little chill when a suicidegirl talks to me. I posted a pic of my cat and I on the "Kitties" group, and an SG responded to me.
I spend most of my time, the time not gawking at naked, pale redheads who wear glasses and are loaded with freckles, that is, posting on the "Hopeless Romantics" group. I also trolled the "Virgins" group, thankful I don't need to join them...and also that there were people older than me who were still virgins, not by choice, so that made me feel a little better about myself. Granted, the girl who helped me out there was a friend and not a girl who thought I was hot and desired me, but not every guy is lucky enough to have a hot girl in Maine willing to bone them, so I count my lucky stars every day for that. But posting in a group filled with other shy, lonely, somewhat nice guys who keep getting rejected or passed over or simply can't find a girl makes me feel less alone, somehow. Sometimes you just need to know you're not the only one having these problems, when the people in your immediate vicinity certainly don't.
There was apparently some tattoo expo/rock concert in Providence over the weekend. I saw an ad for it on SG, and my mom wanted to go to it (she's really into tattoo lately but doesn't have any...go figure) but it was $30.00 a ticket so too steep for her now. If I could drive there (downtown Providence) I might have gone. Godsmack was playing and they used to be my fav band before Evans Blue and Framing Hanley, and seeing girls with tattoos and body mods all around is my idea of Heaven, but that's also something not very fun to do alone, even if I could have gotten a ride, you know?
I made that too. I use that quote a lot. I keep putting off talking about the election, but it's only a week ago, so I might as well make a perfunctory comment : I'm voting for Obama. If you vote for McCain after 8 years of Bush policies he supported 94% of the time (based on his Senate voting record) you're a fucking asshole. He sold out his old "maverick" beliefs and has moved more and more to the right to get elected. Sarah Palin is a fucking retard who looks and acts like Peggy Hill and is useless, except that her face just screams to be cummed on, lol. The debates were useless and all candidates ignored the questions and pretty much just gave the same prepared lines and points, which were often vague, and then attacked each other. I'd like to think the country isn't dumb enough to elect McCain, but after Bush let 9/11 happen on his watch while he read "My Pet Goat", or after he stole the election in 2000, or started an unnecessary war in Iraq, you idiots still voted for him in 2004, so I have no faith in this country or it's electorate, and they'll probably elect McCain because, between the two coasts, the entire middle of this country is a big, stupid, fat, dumb redneck country, addicted to Jesus and Nascar.
I'm so fucking lonely. A breaking heart in an empty bedroom is the loudest sound you'll ever hear.
I guess that's all for now. The thing that hurts the most is that I don't even have anyone to focus on as a possible girlfriend. All the girls in my life I have mini-crushes on, like CGCN, are people I have no chance with. I have no hopes or potential out there. I have nothing to latch onto as saving grace. It's just me....alone...with nothing to look forward to and no hope. That's why I haven't updated my Myspace mood from "sad" in 9 days. I'll update my mood when my mood actually changed. Until then, I won't end with my famous 7 letter sign off....but you all know how shitty I'm feeling. I'm getting better at faking it, at least, but like that Framing Hanley song goes: "You can paint the picture pretty, but it serves as no disguise". Anyone who knows me well enough can see right through my facade. But at least I'm trying, and not jumping off any bridges yet. But the only way things are going to get better is if I one day look into a girl's eyes as she laughs at one of my silly jokes, and I see a spark that tells me she actually likes me, desires me, wants me. Until then, I'll settle for someone to sleep next to, to hug, to kiss, to hold. Anything. Just to not be alone, if only for a little while. To pretend for a little while that it'll be okay.
***It's too much work to post the pics on SG when I post my entries, so pretend you saw them..or just read my blogs on Myspace, Fubar, OD, or LJ.
So things are still bad for me. I think many of you are starting to lose patience with me too, since the bulk of the advice I got on my last entry more or less boiled down to "Suck it up, faggot". I'm sorry, I can't help that all I really am inside is a terrified little boy. Someone did ask why, if I have money, am I not helping my mom and stepdad out with the mortgage. Aside from the fact that they would never accept it even if I offered it, after 2 years of saving up my money, it would be a big waste to use it to Basically just buy my mom and stepdad a couple more months, and then they'll just be right back in this same position, and I have nothing to show for it. It'd just be delaying the inevitable and blowing my nest egg at the same time. But yeah, right now it looks like they're going to try and file bankruptcy very fast in a manner that will allow them to keep the house. If that doesn't work, we might have to move, and then I have to start seriously considering getting my own place.
Anyways, if you read the last entry I already laid out all of my reasons for why I'm scared of doing this and how I'm not ready even though I'm, at least chronologically if not mentally or emotionally, a grown man, so I'm not going to reiterate that stuff here. But between the fear I have of trying to be self-reliant and the ever increasing feelings of loneliness, which are starting to become worse than ever, I find myself sinking into the lowest depression I've felt in years. Considering it was almost 3 months ago that I was the happiest I had been in years, this has certainly been one fucked up year. 2008. One for the books in my life, certainly. Who knows? By 2009 I might be living on my own in some piece of shit one bedroom apartment, barely making ends meet, and so completely and totally alone and isolated that it takes a concentrated effort not to cry. Hell, it's bad enough I've been crying myself to sleep pretty much every night. The redness under my eyes is pretty much a permanent fixture.
There. Now you all know what I look like without glasses. Last week was a little rougher than usual since my best friend was on vacation, so I was even more alone and isolated than I usually am, since I was pretty much anti-social. I could have spent break with Kerri (who herself is on vacation this week), but some of the other co-workers sit with her now, and for the same reasons I don't eat lunch across the street with them, I don't want to spend my breaks with them either. If my best friend and Kerri sitting with them becomes a regular thing, I might just skip hanging out on break with them altogether and just spend all my breaks in my cubicle, which means my only interaction with my real life friends will be when we hang out outside of work, which is pretty rare. So yeah, I am becoming more and more alone almost every day.
The only day last week I felt kind of okay, was on Friday. The entire department, except me, dressed up as Dalmatians, and for some reason the girls in the department, including CGCN, put their hair in pigtails for this. I have never seen a Dalmatian with pigtails, but whatever. Add to this that another department dressed up as nerds (a costume I wear every day of my life) and the girls all put their hair in pigtails for that. So yeah, there were an abundance of girls in pigtails that day. That pleased me. But yeah, I was the one party pooper who didn't join everyone else in dressing like a Dalmatian, instead I hung back and took some pictures for Kerri and my fav of the bosses. The pics I took for my boss were later e-mailed to everyone, so I forwarded them to my home E-mail so I could make a stalker collage of CGCN in her pigtails using MSPaint. Yeah, I'm such a fucking creepy guy. Why didn't I join the others in dressing up like a dog? Well, because for all my talk about not being with people and wanting to be normal and have fun, there is also a part of me that likes being the outsider, the unique one. "He walks amongst us, but he is not one of us". That and I hate wearing white. I have one white, long sleeve shirt, and I only wear it when none of my other work clothes are clean. I wear white shirts to bed, with things like Lisa Loeb or Kurt Cobain on them, but I prefer black or sometimes grey.
Last week I did make an effort to fake being happy. Or at least, hide how sad and miserable I am. On Friday we had some computer issues which forced me to leave my fav boss numerous Post-It notes on her desk. I usually draw a little smiley face on them for her, but this time I drew more elaborate, Halloween-themed pictures on them. She then cut the pics out of the post-its and hung them up in her cube, so that was kind of funny. Then today both my fav boss and Katie, this girl who sits in front of me (nice girl, cute, but not my type so no mini-crush like CGCN) asked me how "Saw 5" was, and my fav boss also started watching "Twin Peaks" upon my suggestion, so she was telling me what she thought of it so far, so that was the extent of my social-ness today. I didn't spend break with my best friend, but she stopped by my table at lunch to fill me in on some her vacation stuff and show me some pics from her trip.
Thursday we had a 90 minute meeting with some mid-level big wigs at my banks parent company. I don't know how much of the meeting was BS corporate propaganda so we're not all worried about being laid off after the parent company was bailed out by the UK government and 58& of it could end up being owned by that Govt, but they joked and swore light-heartedly, and assured us that they would actually ADD jobs to our departments and not cut them (lots of collections people needed in a bad economy after all). Still not quite convinced my job and the company is safe right now, but I appreciated 90 minutes off of the phones.
I dunno. I'm just really fucked up right now. I'm not logging on to Yahoo or Stickam as much lately because I just don't feel like talking to any of my internet friends. In the same way that porn just kind of depresses me now because it's a reminder of something I can't have (sex, or even physical closeness with a female) talking with internet friends (at least a few of whom are attractive girls who might actually date me if I lived anywhere near them) is another reminder of what I can't have...a girlfriend...or even friends I can hang out with more often. Then again, no one wants to hang out with someone as gloomy as me, and I feel so guilty about depressing those around me with my own shit that I often push people away, which is how I lost my old friends from high school. It's just hard because what I want is so simple and easy for everyone else, and yet for some reason is so goddamn impossible for me. HOW THE FUCK DO PEOPLE MEET PEOPLE ANYWAY?!?!
That's a quote from "Choke". I posted it before, but I made a picture out of it. Bored weekend alone, what can I say. Yeah, "Saw 5" was pretty good, gave it a B..which is the lowest I've given a film in the series so far. They're supposedly only making one more, and I think that's good because the series is running itself out. The more they keep retconning the more they are going to ruin Jigsaw. First he forces people who don't appreciate their lives to appreciate their life, then he's rehabilitating people who have done bad things in their life. First he sets up games where anyone has a reasonable chance of winning, then he sets up games heavily stacked in favor of the subject losing but then claims he wants the victims to survive and despises murderers, etc. Basically the further it goes, the more Jigsaw is turning from a hurt man who is trying to teach people lessons, to a sick fuck who wants to torture people and devises a fake philosophy so he can feel blameless, and I think that's the wrong direction. Plus part 5 cut some corners dialogue and character development-wise, and Hoffman is far less interesting than Jigsaw or Amanda. But the film was still good.
Halloween is Friday. I have no plans. My mom and stepdad invited me out to go to clubs with them, probably Club Hell and Mardi Gras, along with my stepdad's brother and his girlfriend, but I can't imagine anything more lame than going clubbing with your parents, even if Club Hell on Halloween night, a Friday, would be sweet. But I can't exactly try to pick up girls with my mom there. Not that I'd be successful if I went with Jess or someone else anyway. So yeah, if the times work out I'm just going to go see "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" an then spend the night home alone, probably crying that I can't have hot sex with a girl dressed like a Goth Kittie or something. I'm not a party person anyway, so unless I had a reasonable chance of meeting a girl there, I wouldn't want to go to a Halloween party anyway. Still, it's pretty sad that a horror freak like myself can't find anything to do when Halloween falls on a Friday. That's my main problem, though. All the things I want to do in life are things I can't really do alone, that I need a girlfriend, or at least more friends, to do: to go to a club and have fun (something tells me I'd have more courage talking to girls if I had a group of, I don't know, seven people to go with instead of by myself or just with one or two others), or travel Europe (scary and boring if you go alone), or get an apartment with a girl I'm dating so we have two incomes and are not alone in our challenges, or fuck in a graveyard (oh wait, I already did that one, lol. Now when I listen to the song "Things You See In A Graveyard" from the "Repo" soundtrack, I smile just a little). I wake up alone, I sit in a cubicle at work alone, I eat lunch alone (though this is preferable to sitting with co-workers who I am not comfortable being the "real me" around and feeling awkward and even more miserable...and it gives me a chance to read the Sookie Stackhouse books).
I love "True Blood", especially now that Lizzy Caplin, the cute girl who played Marlena in "Cloverfield", has been topless on it a lot. And Anna Paquin was topless to. The only thing hotter than sex, is VAMPIRE sex, lol. Yeah, this TV show is one of the few things bringing me pleasure lately. It seems like the DVDs I buy or the movies I go to see or the porn I watch or the books/comics I read aren't doing much for me. The usual things I could go to to make me feel a little bit better just don't work much, unless the movie is a masterpiece like a "Choke" or a "Religulous" or something. Hell, my best friend tried to cheer me up today with a tried and true method, and it didn't do much good. It's just that the things I want are things I can't buy in a store, and no one I know can give me. Yes I want love and a girlfriend. Or someone to cuddle with. Or at least a willing partner to be with on some of these cold, lonesome nights to help me fuck the pain away for at least a little while, if only a hour or two to take my mind away from this lonely, pathetic, meaningless life I lead. And next week we have to set the clocks back and it's just going to get darker and colder. Before you know it, there will be snow and the dreaded New Year's Eve and...ugh, I don't want to think about it. But when you're isolated in your bedroom alone, with no one to hold and tell you everything will be okay, all you have is time to think think think.
I've been spending a lot more time on Suicidegirls lately. It seems no one talks through Myspace anymore, I fucking hate facebook with a fiery passion, and besides Porch and Tiffany no one talks to me though Yahoo...and Fubar's just Fubar. Suicidegirls at least has members who are like me : lonely guys who don't quite fit in....the other members are either douchebag guys (just a few) or hot girls (and who doesn't like talking to them). I must admit, sad as it may be, I get a little chill when a suicidegirl talks to me. I posted a pic of my cat and I on the "Kitties" group, and an SG responded to me.
I spend most of my time, the time not gawking at naked, pale redheads who wear glasses and are loaded with freckles, that is, posting on the "Hopeless Romantics" group. I also trolled the "Virgins" group, thankful I don't need to join them...and also that there were people older than me who were still virgins, not by choice, so that made me feel a little better about myself. Granted, the girl who helped me out there was a friend and not a girl who thought I was hot and desired me, but not every guy is lucky enough to have a hot girl in Maine willing to bone them, so I count my lucky stars every day for that. But posting in a group filled with other shy, lonely, somewhat nice guys who keep getting rejected or passed over or simply can't find a girl makes me feel less alone, somehow. Sometimes you just need to know you're not the only one having these problems, when the people in your immediate vicinity certainly don't.
There was apparently some tattoo expo/rock concert in Providence over the weekend. I saw an ad for it on SG, and my mom wanted to go to it (she's really into tattoo lately but doesn't have any...go figure) but it was $30.00 a ticket so too steep for her now. If I could drive there (downtown Providence) I might have gone. Godsmack was playing and they used to be my fav band before Evans Blue and Framing Hanley, and seeing girls with tattoos and body mods all around is my idea of Heaven, but that's also something not very fun to do alone, even if I could have gotten a ride, you know?
I made that too. I use that quote a lot. I keep putting off talking about the election, but it's only a week ago, so I might as well make a perfunctory comment : I'm voting for Obama. If you vote for McCain after 8 years of Bush policies he supported 94% of the time (based on his Senate voting record) you're a fucking asshole. He sold out his old "maverick" beliefs and has moved more and more to the right to get elected. Sarah Palin is a fucking retard who looks and acts like Peggy Hill and is useless, except that her face just screams to be cummed on, lol. The debates were useless and all candidates ignored the questions and pretty much just gave the same prepared lines and points, which were often vague, and then attacked each other. I'd like to think the country isn't dumb enough to elect McCain, but after Bush let 9/11 happen on his watch while he read "My Pet Goat", or after he stole the election in 2000, or started an unnecessary war in Iraq, you idiots still voted for him in 2004, so I have no faith in this country or it's electorate, and they'll probably elect McCain because, between the two coasts, the entire middle of this country is a big, stupid, fat, dumb redneck country, addicted to Jesus and Nascar.
I'm so fucking lonely. A breaking heart in an empty bedroom is the loudest sound you'll ever hear.
I guess that's all for now. The thing that hurts the most is that I don't even have anyone to focus on as a possible girlfriend. All the girls in my life I have mini-crushes on, like CGCN, are people I have no chance with. I have no hopes or potential out there. I have nothing to latch onto as saving grace. It's just me....alone...with nothing to look forward to and no hope. That's why I haven't updated my Myspace mood from "sad" in 9 days. I'll update my mood when my mood actually changed. Until then, I won't end with my famous 7 letter sign off....but you all know how shitty I'm feeling. I'm getting better at faking it, at least, but like that Framing Hanley song goes: "You can paint the picture pretty, but it serves as no disguise". Anyone who knows me well enough can see right through my facade. But at least I'm trying, and not jumping off any bridges yet. But the only way things are going to get better is if I one day look into a girl's eyes as she laughs at one of my silly jokes, and I see a spark that tells me she actually likes me, desires me, wants me. Until then, I'll settle for someone to sleep next to, to hug, to kiss, to hold. Anything. Just to not be alone, if only for a little while. To pretend for a little while that it'll be okay.
***It's too much work to post the pics on SG when I post my entries, so pretend you saw them..or just read my blogs on Myspace, Fubar, OD, or LJ.
Hello,
So It's been a week since I posted my girlfriend application, and 10 days since I posted my last "real" blog entry. The only thing more indicative of me being in bad mood than blog entries posted really close together, are when I wait a long ass time between "real" entries, and the past, oh, week and a half or so, I've been pretty goddamned bummed out. Last week was really horrible, but this week, while I still feel really shitty, I am working on my skills at faking being okay, which are met with mixed results. I kinda/sorta faked being happy a little bit at Waterfire, but I was genuinely happy most of that night, so the stretch to fake it for about 10% of that night wasn't too bad. BTW, the picture above was from that night, I stole it from Crystal's Myspace (hopefully she doesn't mind, lol). Of course, things have actually gotten worse this week, but I'll get to that in a bit.
So what kicked off my latest bout into unfathomable sadness and nights spent under the covers crying myself to sleep listening to that awesome Framing Hanley CD? Well, it was one night when I was online and it hit me how alone I was. And what made me realize it was the fact that I, currently, have no hopes as far as girls I am interested in. Don't get me wrong, there are always girls around that I am attracted to, like CGCN or whomever. But right now there are no girls I am crushing on that I actually have even a minuscule chance with. I have no one to pursue or try to win over or hope something might happen with. I have no prospects out there right now. None. Nada. Nothing. I am so fucking alone right now. I spend all of my nights alone in my bedroom. I don't even have anyone I can call up for cuddling or sex, like some other single people I know at least have, which is less than what I want, but still a lot more than I have and would be nice. But no, I have nothing, except a computer and my increasingly futile attempts to try to make connections with other human beings using it. Even now that I have real life friends, it still doesn't fill the gaping hole left by the lack of love, or at least some approximation of physical or emotional intimacy in my life. And knowing I have no hopes or prospects right now toward correcting that status in my life, toward changing the tide and winning over a girl...it leaves me feeling hopeless, defeated, and gloomy, and I wonder what the point is of living and my entire life is going to be miserable because I'll never be truly happy unless I'm WITH someone.
It came to a head at the end of last week because on top of my personal issues with the lovesickness and all, I had an issue at work where my computer was broken Thursday and Friday, which left me having to sit at other cubicles where all the systems are lacking or screwed up and it made me more irritable and angry on top of how sad and scared I already am, and obviously that caldron of negative emotions effects your job performance. I felt bad because my best friend was going on vacation that Saturday, won't be back til Monday of next week, and I was feeling so down I didn't even hang out with her on break that Friday, and the day before I barely spoke and was just a horrible, angry, depressed bastard. Though before I left on Friday I did make sure to wish her a fun vacation, I didn't want to be an asshole and leave work without speaking to her. Since then she's texted Kerri to say hi to me, and to say that she bought me an awesome gift down there and "he better cheer up or he ain't getting it". I'm not quite sure the strategy of withholding a good thing from a depressed person to make them less depressed is prudent, lol. But she's usually quite good at cheering me a lot of time, so maybe by next week I'll feel a bit better, but I doubt it. Well I do have "Saw 5" to look forward to on Friday. At least there's always the movies.
Well aside from romantic problems, I guess I have a more immediate problem to worry about now : my house might be getting foreclosed on. I live with my mom and stepdad, and while I've been doing quite well for myself (assuming the current banking crisis doesn't effect my job..which it might since the UK government bailed out my bank's parent company and despite all the corporate propaganda memos telling us we're okay, the pathological pessimist in me thinks things will get a lot worse), they have not. So unless the steps they are taking to try and work out the issues succeed, by mid November or December I might have to move again. I fucking hate moving. I must have moved 20 times in my life, all within the same 3 towns in RI. I like this house, and I was kind of hoping the next time I had to move would be when I finally move out on my own, but I guess that's not the case. Of course, if we do end up moving it'll probably be a short notice deal, and we'd probably have to take whatever we can get, and who knows if where we move will be someplace I am comfortable driving to, or driving to and from work to. And if the place is some small little apartment or condo if there will be room for my stuff and the dog and the cat and....would you think any less of me if I admitted I was scared. Terrified. Petrified. Because I am.
Part of me thinks I should take this, I hesitate to call it an "opportunity", to see about getting a little place of my own. But that prospect scares me too. I had always hoped that when I finally moved out, it would be to get a place with a girl I was dating, that way I wouldn't be doing it alone and responsibilities would be shared. The thing I hate about the idea of striking out on my own, REALLY on my own, is that it would make me even more alone. At least now I have my mom, my stepdad, my dog, and my cat. If I move out, it's just me. I'll wake up in an empty apartment, go to work, and come home to an empty apartment. I don't know if the isolation would drive me crazy or make me more depressed, or if the stress of going from having relatively no bills to having a bunch would cause me to have a nervous breakdown. And I don't think I could do the roommate thing since I hate most other guys, thus couldn't stand to live with one, and if I had a female roommate I think it would be awkward if the girl brought home a guy and I had to hear them fucking in another room. Maybe if I just had a lesbian roommate and I could hear her fucking her girlfriend in the other room...that'd be kind of hot, and much better than a nightlight when it comes to safe things to help you fall asleep, lol.
I don't know. Right now I have a good amount of money saved up from my job and from the money I inherited after my father died. Living with my mom and stepdad has helped me save that since my only expenses are car insurance, internet, student loans (which will be completely paid off in January) and money for my groceries (my mom does the actual shopping). Oh, and gas for my car, but one of the good things about the bad economy is that it has caused oil, and thus gasoline, to become cheaper, and I can once again fill up my tank with $25.00 and that lasts me 10-14 days due to how little I drive. If I were to move out, my budget would be much more strained since I would have to pay for rent, water, heat (gas or oil), electricity, cable, internet, car insurance, groceries and other food-related expenses (BK), gas, plus any furniture or appliances I can't take with me. Depending on what any apartment or condo I move into comes with (and some of those above utilities might be included in rent) I might need to get a washer and dryer or a fridge. Seeing as how it's just me and I probably won't be entertaining company, I could probably make do without anything like a living room set. Hell, chances are the apartment I would get would be 3 rooms, a bedroom, a bathroom, and some main room/kitchen dealie. Essentially I'm just afraid that the nice little sum of $$ I've saved up, which I've been telling myself would be to help get my movie made some day even though I haven't worked on my screenplay since August, would rapidly deplete. I'd also have to cut down on the $$ I spend on Amazon or other things, like on the rare occasion I go out with friends. In the worst case scenario of the house being foreclosed on and us having to move out, I might have to just make a detailed list of expenses and figure out how I can live comfortably on my salary if I wanted to live on my own, and hope my job doesn't get cut if I did so. Also my driving phobia will limit the places I will look for an apartment to towns I am comfortable driving in : Johnston, Cranston, Smithfield, Scituate, and Warwick. Something tells me it won't be easy finding places to live right now, and if I did find a place in my price range it'd probably be some little shanty, drug den or something.
The thing is I'm not ready to move out on my own. Yeah, I know I'm 25 years old and people my age are getting married and having kids, but it's no secret that developmentally way behind my peers. I just lost my virginity a little over 2 months ago..most people lose theirs at 15 or 16. And yeah, I know it won't exactly help me with the ladies when I tell them I still live with mommy, nor can I bring a girl home for nookie on the odd chance non-existent Hell froze over and I met a girl at a club or something and she wanted to get amorous. Pretty much the only plus I can see to living on my own right now would be the freedom to walk around naked and look at porn any time I wanted. Everything else is a negative. And hell, well I live with my mom and stepdad, I at least know I can count on them to drive me to work if the roads are bad from snow, or something like that. The idea of being self-reliant scares me because I have no confidence in myself. At least if I were living with a girlfriend, like Alysa and I almost got to the point of doing, you're not alone when you tackle a problem, you're a team. Plus two paychecks are much easier on the bills than one. Hell, I know plenty of couple who have 2 paychecks and can't make ends meet, so I don't know how I'd be able to do it on my own.
So yeah, I'm fucking scared. Really really scared. And depressed because it seems like this is just one more thing that pushes me toward being more alone. Because I can just picture it now. We'll have to move out and into some small little apartment. My mom and stepdad will be super stressed because there's not enough room for all our stuff, and immediately they'll launch on me because I have so much "junk" (DVDs, books, knick-knacks, etc) and the stress they cause me combined with the asshole customers at work combined with my sadness over my inability to get a girlfriend will just drive me back into a deep dark depression. Let's reintroduce out shadows. It's bad enough I'm getting worse right now, crying myself to sleep nearly every night because I'm so sad and scared and lonely and angry at myself and at the world, but it looks like in the enxt couple of weeks things are just going to keep getting worse. And New Year's Eve, one of the 3 biggest depressing days of the year for me , is right around the corner. I got through my birthday thanks to April, and Valentine's Day is far off enough that I don't need to worry about it yet, but New Year's Evil is going to knock me for a loop, I already know that.
So yeah, I'm hoping either my mom and stepdad can refinance or the foreclosure date can be pushed back so they can file for bankruptcy or get a lawyer and a court date to keep the house or something, but I doubt it. Things are going to get worse before they get better. And I'm all alone in struggle, really. Fuck.
Alright, well you're all tired of hearing me whine about how I can't get a girl, and if I keep talking out this foreclosure/possibly moving thing I'm going to have a panic attack, so I'll put that on the back burner for now and move on.
Last weekend I went to see "W" and gave it a B-. It was odd how the film tried to be fair and even with Bush, and yeah it was the very treatment that made me hate the man more. Instead of portraying him as evil, he is merely a dumb jock who spends 40 some odd years of his life as a drunken buffoon with major daddy issues, then trades one unhealthy addiction (booze) or another (religion) and decides to get back at his dad and try to boost his own ego by becoming president, and his own selfish attempts to feel better about himself cause the country to nearly destroy itself. Bush is an asshole. Fuck him. I can't wait to vote for Obama in 2 weeks. The film was pretty good, but would have been better if it have covered a wider scope. It mainly just covers Bush's college years and early political career, and then the build up to the Iraq war. I would have preferred a 3 hour film that covered more areas (cocaine use, Air National Guard, the Florida recount, 9/11, Katrina, etc) but the film as it is makes for a decent biopic with some great performances.
My recent Amazon purchases are as follows:
-"Star Wars : The Force Unleashed" video game for my PS3. It's a fun game but very short. I'm stuck on a level where you have to use the force to crash a giant space ship. I beat the level once, but I was using a cheat code and the game won't let you save if you use cheat codes, so I have to try and beat it without the code, which I can't.
-"Right At Your Door" on DVD..haven't watched it yet, don't know if it's any good.
-"Family Guy : Volume 6" on DVD...haven't watched it yet, seen some of the eps on TV already.
-"Simpsons : Season 11" on DVD...this was the first season since season one where there were more than a few episodes I didn't like. It's still the best comedy series ever on TV, but starting with season 11 not every episode was a complete gem.
-"Dead By Dawn"...this is the 1st book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, upon which the HBO TV show "True Blood" is based. I started reading it today, after finished reading "Easy Riders, Raging Bulls" (A very good book about Hollywood in the 1970s) and so far the book is close to the TV show, but the TV show added a ton of other stuff, naturally, like season 1 of "Dexter" did with the book it was based on.
-"The Porning of America"...a book about how Porn has seeped into mainstream culture and how it is affecting society. My screenplay touches very briefly on some of these issues, as it relates to how young people (approx my age) are dealing with sex and romance and intimacy in a highly sexualized society that has also turned sex into a commodity a huge degree. I've heard good things about the book, and while I am a huge supporter of the pornographic arts, I'm interested in reading a book that is not anti-porn, but does worry about how ready and freely available access to sexually explicit material is possibly harming the emotional development of people in their teens and 20s. In some ways I think it has helped me, since I didn't see my 1st real live vagina til I was 21 or 22, and as someone who can't get sex it's helpful to have porn to satisfy urges and fantasies and whatnot...and apparently watching porn made me more than adequate at cunnlingus, lol. But at the same time has overexposure to sexually explicit material responsible for how depressed I get over my lack of experience as compared to how I perceive the experience of my peers as being, which could also bleed into my depression over being unable to find love or be in a relationship. I don't know.
-"Halloween : Nightdance"..a comic book featuring Michael Myers from the "Halloween" films.
'"Hack/Slash" volumes 1 & 4...These are comic books. They had a special graphic novel of "Hack/Slash" that tied in with the Suicidegirls, and after I bought and read that I felt like I should read some of the other stories. Volume 2 was out of stock and volume 3 won't ship for a few weeks because it's on back order, that's why I got 1 & 4 right now, as they were in stock and available. The comic is about a girl and an odd monster-guy who hunt down slashers (horror movie-esque serial killers).
Speaking of Suicidegirls, I did have one happy moment this week. A Suicidegirl read my blog. Well ok, she read my girlfriend application, or at least skimmed it, and even though she didn't fill it out, she left a comment.
She didn't approve my friend request, so I don't think the comment was a compliment, but the fact that a hot, nude model read my blog kind of makes me happy. BTW, my blog hits on Myspace passed 13,000 this week, and my Myspace profile views passed 11,000. Nice to know I'm popular online, even if I'm not in real life. Oh, but another Suicidegirl sent me a picture of herself nude and made up like a zombie, which I think she only sent to her friends (though she probably has thousands of people on her friends list). That made me smile.
I think I forgot to post the link to my SG profile so here it is :
http://suicidegirls.com/members/Dysthymia83/
Ok, I guess that's all I need to talk about right now. Friday I'm seeing "Saw 5" after work, so hopefully that will cheer me up, or at least distract me from my horrible life for 90 minutes. Earlier this week at work the bosses were trying to convince people to wear white shirts on Friday so they could pin black spots to us and we could dress up like Dalmatians for a group Halloween photo, and somehow this lead to some good-natured picking on me, which I unfortunately was in too bad a mood to appreciate, so I basically just stated I wouldn't be dressing in white because all my on-work clothes are black (a half-truth) and I didn't want to wear white to "Saw 5". My fav boss tried to bribe me by saying she'd let me lave 15 minutes early on Friday to catch the show if I dressed up, but I actually don't need to leave early since the show starts at 5:15 PM and I get out at 5 PM anyway.
Next week my best friend returns, but my guess is she'll be too busy with other people to hang out with me much that week, especially with Halloween that Friday. My only Halloween plans are to see "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" and try not to be too depressed that I won't have a Sexy Goth Kitten to help me fuck the pain away while Skinny Puppy's "Tormentor" and Marilyn Manson's "Para Noir" blast in the background (yeah, I'm not too depressed to develop a special Halloween sex fantasy). And then it's November. I hate that we're going to have to change the clocks and it'll be dark when I wake up and then dark when I leave work. I'm not a fucking vampire, I need to see some sun in my day. Plus I'll have to start my car in the morning because the windows will be frosty. Stupid New England winters.
Hopefully in November Jess from RI will find time to take me to Club Hell so I can try to meet a cute Goth/Emo/Punk/Scene/Geek girl. Vicki said she'd get back to me on when she can hang out with me too. So yeah, no real friend hang out plans on the horizon. And "Repo: The Genetic Opera" isn't opening anywhere remotely close to RI, so I can't even use that as an excuse to get someone to hang out with me, whereas if it opened in Boston I might have been able to rope Jess into driving me to that one. After a girlfriend, a fuck buddy, or a cuddle buddy, more real life friends is 4th on the people I need to meet.
Ok, I guess that's all for now. I end this entry with someone I found while looking through my old blogs. It's called "Ode To Nice Guys". I didn't write it, and I don't remember where I found it, but here it is :
___
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.
The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
___
**Still figuring out how to post pics in an SG blog entry, hence references to pics that aren't here.**
So It's been a week since I posted my girlfriend application, and 10 days since I posted my last "real" blog entry. The only thing more indicative of me being in bad mood than blog entries posted really close together, are when I wait a long ass time between "real" entries, and the past, oh, week and a half or so, I've been pretty goddamned bummed out. Last week was really horrible, but this week, while I still feel really shitty, I am working on my skills at faking being okay, which are met with mixed results. I kinda/sorta faked being happy a little bit at Waterfire, but I was genuinely happy most of that night, so the stretch to fake it for about 10% of that night wasn't too bad. BTW, the picture above was from that night, I stole it from Crystal's Myspace (hopefully she doesn't mind, lol). Of course, things have actually gotten worse this week, but I'll get to that in a bit.
So what kicked off my latest bout into unfathomable sadness and nights spent under the covers crying myself to sleep listening to that awesome Framing Hanley CD? Well, it was one night when I was online and it hit me how alone I was. And what made me realize it was the fact that I, currently, have no hopes as far as girls I am interested in. Don't get me wrong, there are always girls around that I am attracted to, like CGCN or whomever. But right now there are no girls I am crushing on that I actually have even a minuscule chance with. I have no one to pursue or try to win over or hope something might happen with. I have no prospects out there right now. None. Nada. Nothing. I am so fucking alone right now. I spend all of my nights alone in my bedroom. I don't even have anyone I can call up for cuddling or sex, like some other single people I know at least have, which is less than what I want, but still a lot more than I have and would be nice. But no, I have nothing, except a computer and my increasingly futile attempts to try to make connections with other human beings using it. Even now that I have real life friends, it still doesn't fill the gaping hole left by the lack of love, or at least some approximation of physical or emotional intimacy in my life. And knowing I have no hopes or prospects right now toward correcting that status in my life, toward changing the tide and winning over a girl...it leaves me feeling hopeless, defeated, and gloomy, and I wonder what the point is of living and my entire life is going to be miserable because I'll never be truly happy unless I'm WITH someone.
It came to a head at the end of last week because on top of my personal issues with the lovesickness and all, I had an issue at work where my computer was broken Thursday and Friday, which left me having to sit at other cubicles where all the systems are lacking or screwed up and it made me more irritable and angry on top of how sad and scared I already am, and obviously that caldron of negative emotions effects your job performance. I felt bad because my best friend was going on vacation that Saturday, won't be back til Monday of next week, and I was feeling so down I didn't even hang out with her on break that Friday, and the day before I barely spoke and was just a horrible, angry, depressed bastard. Though before I left on Friday I did make sure to wish her a fun vacation, I didn't want to be an asshole and leave work without speaking to her. Since then she's texted Kerri to say hi to me, and to say that she bought me an awesome gift down there and "he better cheer up or he ain't getting it". I'm not quite sure the strategy of withholding a good thing from a depressed person to make them less depressed is prudent, lol. But she's usually quite good at cheering me a lot of time, so maybe by next week I'll feel a bit better, but I doubt it. Well I do have "Saw 5" to look forward to on Friday. At least there's always the movies.
Well aside from romantic problems, I guess I have a more immediate problem to worry about now : my house might be getting foreclosed on. I live with my mom and stepdad, and while I've been doing quite well for myself (assuming the current banking crisis doesn't effect my job..which it might since the UK government bailed out my bank's parent company and despite all the corporate propaganda memos telling us we're okay, the pathological pessimist in me thinks things will get a lot worse), they have not. So unless the steps they are taking to try and work out the issues succeed, by mid November or December I might have to move again. I fucking hate moving. I must have moved 20 times in my life, all within the same 3 towns in RI. I like this house, and I was kind of hoping the next time I had to move would be when I finally move out on my own, but I guess that's not the case. Of course, if we do end up moving it'll probably be a short notice deal, and we'd probably have to take whatever we can get, and who knows if where we move will be someplace I am comfortable driving to, or driving to and from work to. And if the place is some small little apartment or condo if there will be room for my stuff and the dog and the cat and....would you think any less of me if I admitted I was scared. Terrified. Petrified. Because I am.
Part of me thinks I should take this, I hesitate to call it an "opportunity", to see about getting a little place of my own. But that prospect scares me too. I had always hoped that when I finally moved out, it would be to get a place with a girl I was dating, that way I wouldn't be doing it alone and responsibilities would be shared. The thing I hate about the idea of striking out on my own, REALLY on my own, is that it would make me even more alone. At least now I have my mom, my stepdad, my dog, and my cat. If I move out, it's just me. I'll wake up in an empty apartment, go to work, and come home to an empty apartment. I don't know if the isolation would drive me crazy or make me more depressed, or if the stress of going from having relatively no bills to having a bunch would cause me to have a nervous breakdown. And I don't think I could do the roommate thing since I hate most other guys, thus couldn't stand to live with one, and if I had a female roommate I think it would be awkward if the girl brought home a guy and I had to hear them fucking in another room. Maybe if I just had a lesbian roommate and I could hear her fucking her girlfriend in the other room...that'd be kind of hot, and much better than a nightlight when it comes to safe things to help you fall asleep, lol.
I don't know. Right now I have a good amount of money saved up from my job and from the money I inherited after my father died. Living with my mom and stepdad has helped me save that since my only expenses are car insurance, internet, student loans (which will be completely paid off in January) and money for my groceries (my mom does the actual shopping). Oh, and gas for my car, but one of the good things about the bad economy is that it has caused oil, and thus gasoline, to become cheaper, and I can once again fill up my tank with $25.00 and that lasts me 10-14 days due to how little I drive. If I were to move out, my budget would be much more strained since I would have to pay for rent, water, heat (gas or oil), electricity, cable, internet, car insurance, groceries and other food-related expenses (BK), gas, plus any furniture or appliances I can't take with me. Depending on what any apartment or condo I move into comes with (and some of those above utilities might be included in rent) I might need to get a washer and dryer or a fridge. Seeing as how it's just me and I probably won't be entertaining company, I could probably make do without anything like a living room set. Hell, chances are the apartment I would get would be 3 rooms, a bedroom, a bathroom, and some main room/kitchen dealie. Essentially I'm just afraid that the nice little sum of $$ I've saved up, which I've been telling myself would be to help get my movie made some day even though I haven't worked on my screenplay since August, would rapidly deplete. I'd also have to cut down on the $$ I spend on Amazon or other things, like on the rare occasion I go out with friends. In the worst case scenario of the house being foreclosed on and us having to move out, I might have to just make a detailed list of expenses and figure out how I can live comfortably on my salary if I wanted to live on my own, and hope my job doesn't get cut if I did so. Also my driving phobia will limit the places I will look for an apartment to towns I am comfortable driving in : Johnston, Cranston, Smithfield, Scituate, and Warwick. Something tells me it won't be easy finding places to live right now, and if I did find a place in my price range it'd probably be some little shanty, drug den or something.
The thing is I'm not ready to move out on my own. Yeah, I know I'm 25 years old and people my age are getting married and having kids, but it's no secret that developmentally way behind my peers. I just lost my virginity a little over 2 months ago..most people lose theirs at 15 or 16. And yeah, I know it won't exactly help me with the ladies when I tell them I still live with mommy, nor can I bring a girl home for nookie on the odd chance non-existent Hell froze over and I met a girl at a club or something and she wanted to get amorous. Pretty much the only plus I can see to living on my own right now would be the freedom to walk around naked and look at porn any time I wanted. Everything else is a negative. And hell, well I live with my mom and stepdad, I at least know I can count on them to drive me to work if the roads are bad from snow, or something like that. The idea of being self-reliant scares me because I have no confidence in myself. At least if I were living with a girlfriend, like Alysa and I almost got to the point of doing, you're not alone when you tackle a problem, you're a team. Plus two paychecks are much easier on the bills than one. Hell, I know plenty of couple who have 2 paychecks and can't make ends meet, so I don't know how I'd be able to do it on my own.
So yeah, I'm fucking scared. Really really scared. And depressed because it seems like this is just one more thing that pushes me toward being more alone. Because I can just picture it now. We'll have to move out and into some small little apartment. My mom and stepdad will be super stressed because there's not enough room for all our stuff, and immediately they'll launch on me because I have so much "junk" (DVDs, books, knick-knacks, etc) and the stress they cause me combined with the asshole customers at work combined with my sadness over my inability to get a girlfriend will just drive me back into a deep dark depression. Let's reintroduce out shadows. It's bad enough I'm getting worse right now, crying myself to sleep nearly every night because I'm so sad and scared and lonely and angry at myself and at the world, but it looks like in the enxt couple of weeks things are just going to keep getting worse. And New Year's Eve, one of the 3 biggest depressing days of the year for me , is right around the corner. I got through my birthday thanks to April, and Valentine's Day is far off enough that I don't need to worry about it yet, but New Year's Evil is going to knock me for a loop, I already know that.
So yeah, I'm hoping either my mom and stepdad can refinance or the foreclosure date can be pushed back so they can file for bankruptcy or get a lawyer and a court date to keep the house or something, but I doubt it. Things are going to get worse before they get better. And I'm all alone in struggle, really. Fuck.
Alright, well you're all tired of hearing me whine about how I can't get a girl, and if I keep talking out this foreclosure/possibly moving thing I'm going to have a panic attack, so I'll put that on the back burner for now and move on.
Last weekend I went to see "W" and gave it a B-. It was odd how the film tried to be fair and even with Bush, and yeah it was the very treatment that made me hate the man more. Instead of portraying him as evil, he is merely a dumb jock who spends 40 some odd years of his life as a drunken buffoon with major daddy issues, then trades one unhealthy addiction (booze) or another (religion) and decides to get back at his dad and try to boost his own ego by becoming president, and his own selfish attempts to feel better about himself cause the country to nearly destroy itself. Bush is an asshole. Fuck him. I can't wait to vote for Obama in 2 weeks. The film was pretty good, but would have been better if it have covered a wider scope. It mainly just covers Bush's college years and early political career, and then the build up to the Iraq war. I would have preferred a 3 hour film that covered more areas (cocaine use, Air National Guard, the Florida recount, 9/11, Katrina, etc) but the film as it is makes for a decent biopic with some great performances.
My recent Amazon purchases are as follows:
-"Star Wars : The Force Unleashed" video game for my PS3. It's a fun game but very short. I'm stuck on a level where you have to use the force to crash a giant space ship. I beat the level once, but I was using a cheat code and the game won't let you save if you use cheat codes, so I have to try and beat it without the code, which I can't.
-"Right At Your Door" on DVD..haven't watched it yet, don't know if it's any good.
-"Family Guy : Volume 6" on DVD...haven't watched it yet, seen some of the eps on TV already.
-"Simpsons : Season 11" on DVD...this was the first season since season one where there were more than a few episodes I didn't like. It's still the best comedy series ever on TV, but starting with season 11 not every episode was a complete gem.
-"Dead By Dawn"...this is the 1st book in the Sookie Stackhouse series, upon which the HBO TV show "True Blood" is based. I started reading it today, after finished reading "Easy Riders, Raging Bulls" (A very good book about Hollywood in the 1970s) and so far the book is close to the TV show, but the TV show added a ton of other stuff, naturally, like season 1 of "Dexter" did with the book it was based on.
-"The Porning of America"...a book about how Porn has seeped into mainstream culture and how it is affecting society. My screenplay touches very briefly on some of these issues, as it relates to how young people (approx my age) are dealing with sex and romance and intimacy in a highly sexualized society that has also turned sex into a commodity a huge degree. I've heard good things about the book, and while I am a huge supporter of the pornographic arts, I'm interested in reading a book that is not anti-porn, but does worry about how ready and freely available access to sexually explicit material is possibly harming the emotional development of people in their teens and 20s. In some ways I think it has helped me, since I didn't see my 1st real live vagina til I was 21 or 22, and as someone who can't get sex it's helpful to have porn to satisfy urges and fantasies and whatnot...and apparently watching porn made me more than adequate at cunnlingus, lol. But at the same time has overexposure to sexually explicit material responsible for how depressed I get over my lack of experience as compared to how I perceive the experience of my peers as being, which could also bleed into my depression over being unable to find love or be in a relationship. I don't know.
-"Halloween : Nightdance"..a comic book featuring Michael Myers from the "Halloween" films.
'"Hack/Slash" volumes 1 & 4...These are comic books. They had a special graphic novel of "Hack/Slash" that tied in with the Suicidegirls, and after I bought and read that I felt like I should read some of the other stories. Volume 2 was out of stock and volume 3 won't ship for a few weeks because it's on back order, that's why I got 1 & 4 right now, as they were in stock and available. The comic is about a girl and an odd monster-guy who hunt down slashers (horror movie-esque serial killers).
Speaking of Suicidegirls, I did have one happy moment this week. A Suicidegirl read my blog. Well ok, she read my girlfriend application, or at least skimmed it, and even though she didn't fill it out, she left a comment.
She didn't approve my friend request, so I don't think the comment was a compliment, but the fact that a hot, nude model read my blog kind of makes me happy. BTW, my blog hits on Myspace passed 13,000 this week, and my Myspace profile views passed 11,000. Nice to know I'm popular online, even if I'm not in real life. Oh, but another Suicidegirl sent me a picture of herself nude and made up like a zombie, which I think she only sent to her friends (though she probably has thousands of people on her friends list). That made me smile.
I think I forgot to post the link to my SG profile so here it is :
http://suicidegirls.com/members/Dysthymia83/
Ok, I guess that's all I need to talk about right now. Friday I'm seeing "Saw 5" after work, so hopefully that will cheer me up, or at least distract me from my horrible life for 90 minutes. Earlier this week at work the bosses were trying to convince people to wear white shirts on Friday so they could pin black spots to us and we could dress up like Dalmatians for a group Halloween photo, and somehow this lead to some good-natured picking on me, which I unfortunately was in too bad a mood to appreciate, so I basically just stated I wouldn't be dressing in white because all my on-work clothes are black (a half-truth) and I didn't want to wear white to "Saw 5". My fav boss tried to bribe me by saying she'd let me lave 15 minutes early on Friday to catch the show if I dressed up, but I actually don't need to leave early since the show starts at 5:15 PM and I get out at 5 PM anyway.
Next week my best friend returns, but my guess is she'll be too busy with other people to hang out with me much that week, especially with Halloween that Friday. My only Halloween plans are to see "Zack and Miri Make A Porno" and try not to be too depressed that I won't have a Sexy Goth Kitten to help me fuck the pain away while Skinny Puppy's "Tormentor" and Marilyn Manson's "Para Noir" blast in the background (yeah, I'm not too depressed to develop a special Halloween sex fantasy). And then it's November. I hate that we're going to have to change the clocks and it'll be dark when I wake up and then dark when I leave work. I'm not a fucking vampire, I need to see some sun in my day. Plus I'll have to start my car in the morning because the windows will be frosty. Stupid New England winters.
Hopefully in November Jess from RI will find time to take me to Club Hell so I can try to meet a cute Goth/Emo/Punk/Scene/Geek girl. Vicki said she'd get back to me on when she can hang out with me too. So yeah, no real friend hang out plans on the horizon. And "Repo: The Genetic Opera" isn't opening anywhere remotely close to RI, so I can't even use that as an excuse to get someone to hang out with me, whereas if it opened in Boston I might have been able to rope Jess into driving me to that one. After a girlfriend, a fuck buddy, or a cuddle buddy, more real life friends is 4th on the people I need to meet.
Ok, I guess that's all for now. I end this entry with someone I found while looking through my old blogs. It's called "Ode To Nice Guys". I didn't write it, and I don't remember where I found it, but here it is :
___
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: "oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.
The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he's too nice to date" or "he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me" or "he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" or the most frustrating of all: "no, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.
___
**Still figuring out how to post pics in an SG blog entry, hence references to pics that aren't here.**
Feeling lonely and lovesick, and thought I'd create an application to become my girlfriend. Not that anyone is interested in applying, lol.
__
BASICS
Name:
Age (Under 18 or Over 30 need not apply...unless you're Lisa Loeb):
Straight or Bi:
Location (Must either be 15 miles from my location, or be willing to do a shitload of driving) :
Highest Level of Education:
Religious Affiliation:
Political Leanings:
Occupation:
Height:
Weight (Sorry to be shallow, but over 200 lbs need not apply):
Hair Color:
Eye Color:
Booby Size:
Do you wear glasses? If no, why not?
BACKGROUND
Where did you grow up?
How many family members lived with you in your childhood home/homes?
Are you close to your parent(s)?
Do you have any siblings?
Would you describe your childhood as happy?
Public or Private schools?
Did you have many friends, or just a few?
ROMANTIC PAST
How old were you when you had your first kiss?
How old were you when you got your first boyfriend?
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
How many serious relationships have you been in?
What were the reasons those relationships ended?
Are you still friends with any of your exes?
Have you ever lived with a significant other?
Have you ever gotten close to marriage?
ROMANTIC PRESENT
Why would you say you are currently single?
What are you looking for in terms of romance right now? (EX: Long Term, Just Dating, Casual Sex, Friends who cuddle, etc)
Why are you filling out this application?
Are you more concerned with finding love or having fun?
How long would you have to be with someone before you move in with them?
How long would you have to be with someone before you'd expect to be proposed to?
ROMANTIC FUTURE
Would you like to get married someday? If not, do you want a long term, monogamous relationship even if it's not called marriage?
Ideally, how old would you like to definitely be married by?
Do you want kids? If so, how many, and how long into the marriage would you want to start trying for them? If no, why?
What type of location would you like to live in once married? (Region of country, City vs Suburb, House or Apartment, etc)
COMPATIBILITY WITH ME
Do you enjoy going to the movies frequently?
Does the idea of many nights at home cuddling and watching TV appeal to you?
Are you a cat person, dog person, some other animal person, or hate pets?
Do you read for pleasure? If so, how many books do you read a year?
What type of music do you listen to?
Are you interested in:
-Politics
-History
-Philosophy
-Literature
-Photography
-Writing
Do you enjoy long, one-on-one conversations?
Do you prefer hanging out in small groups or large groups?
Are you affectionate? Can you tolerate a lot of affection? How do you feel about PDA (Public Displays of Affection)
Do you find getting complimented a lot awesome or annoying?
Are small, romantic gestures sweet or stupid?
Do you like cuddling?
Would you like to travel?
Would you consider yourself geeky?
Would you consider yourself Goth, Punk, Emo, or "Scene"?
Would you consider yourself a "Girl Next Door"?
Do you have any piercings?
Do you have any tattoos?
Are you shy or outgoing?
Are you more often depressed or happy?
MY FLAWS
Do you mind doing most of the driving?
Does being with a picky eater annoy you?
Are you willing to help an introverted person break out of their shell?
Are you willing to date someone who has suffered from depression?
Are you okay with very skinny guys?
Are you okay with perverted humor?
Would being with a short guy bother you?
YOUR FLAWS
Would you consider yourself "Damaged", "Scarred", or "Fucked-Up"? If yes, explain why (it might make me like you more, oddly enough)
What would you say is your biggest flaw?
Are you jealous? Would you have a problem dating a guy with many platonic female friends?
Are you direct and open with your feelings/thoughts?
Do you like to test the men you're with?
Have you ever cheated on your significant other? If so, what were the circumstances?
SEX STUFF
Ideally, how many times a week would you have sex?
List any 15 big turn-ons or fetishes for you. If you don't have 15, list as many as you can think of.
How many of the following sex acts appeal to you :
-Regular Sex
-Handjobs/Fingering
-Oral Sex
a) Giving (Swallow Y/N-Deep Throat Y/N)
b) Receiving
-Anal Sex (Receiving Only, Kthnx)
-Titty-Fucking and/or cumming on boobies
-Facials
-Dress Up (Schoolgirl, Various Goth-ic attire)
-Handcuffs, Duct Tape, or other tying up?
-Dirty Talk
-Dancing/Lapdancing
-FMF Threesomes?
What are your favorite positions?
In general, how long would an average session of sex last?
Are you on birth control? Would you require condoms in a long term relationship?
The guy cums. Where do you want it?
YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME
What parts of my physical appearance do you like?
What parts of my physical appearance do you not like?
What parts of my personality do you like?
What parts of my personality do you not like?
YOU
Write a few sentences about why you think you would be a good match for me.
MISC
Is there anything you wanted to add that wasn't covered in the above questions?
THANK YOU FOR APPLYING. =D
__
BASICS
Name:
Age (Under 18 or Over 30 need not apply...unless you're Lisa Loeb):
Straight or Bi:
Location (Must either be 15 miles from my location, or be willing to do a shitload of driving) :
Highest Level of Education:
Religious Affiliation:
Political Leanings:
Occupation:
Height:
Weight (Sorry to be shallow, but over 200 lbs need not apply):
Hair Color:
Eye Color:
Booby Size:
Do you wear glasses? If no, why not?
BACKGROUND
Where did you grow up?
How many family members lived with you in your childhood home/homes?
Are you close to your parent(s)?
Do you have any siblings?
Would you describe your childhood as happy?
Public or Private schools?
Did you have many friends, or just a few?
ROMANTIC PAST
How old were you when you had your first kiss?
How old were you when you got your first boyfriend?
How old were you when you lost your virginity?
How many serious relationships have you been in?
What were the reasons those relationships ended?
Are you still friends with any of your exes?
Have you ever lived with a significant other?
Have you ever gotten close to marriage?
ROMANTIC PRESENT
Why would you say you are currently single?
What are you looking for in terms of romance right now? (EX: Long Term, Just Dating, Casual Sex, Friends who cuddle, etc)
Why are you filling out this application?
Are you more concerned with finding love or having fun?
How long would you have to be with someone before you move in with them?
How long would you have to be with someone before you'd expect to be proposed to?
ROMANTIC FUTURE
Would you like to get married someday? If not, do you want a long term, monogamous relationship even if it's not called marriage?
Ideally, how old would you like to definitely be married by?
Do you want kids? If so, how many, and how long into the marriage would you want to start trying for them? If no, why?
What type of location would you like to live in once married? (Region of country, City vs Suburb, House or Apartment, etc)
COMPATIBILITY WITH ME
Do you enjoy going to the movies frequently?
Does the idea of many nights at home cuddling and watching TV appeal to you?
Are you a cat person, dog person, some other animal person, or hate pets?
Do you read for pleasure? If so, how many books do you read a year?
What type of music do you listen to?
Are you interested in:
-Politics
-History
-Philosophy
-Literature
-Photography
-Writing
Do you enjoy long, one-on-one conversations?
Do you prefer hanging out in small groups or large groups?
Are you affectionate? Can you tolerate a lot of affection? How do you feel about PDA (Public Displays of Affection)
Do you find getting complimented a lot awesome or annoying?
Are small, romantic gestures sweet or stupid?
Do you like cuddling?
Would you like to travel?
Would you consider yourself geeky?
Would you consider yourself Goth, Punk, Emo, or "Scene"?
Would you consider yourself a "Girl Next Door"?
Do you have any piercings?
Do you have any tattoos?
Are you shy or outgoing?
Are you more often depressed or happy?
MY FLAWS
Do you mind doing most of the driving?
Does being with a picky eater annoy you?
Are you willing to help an introverted person break out of their shell?
Are you willing to date someone who has suffered from depression?
Are you okay with very skinny guys?
Are you okay with perverted humor?
Would being with a short guy bother you?
YOUR FLAWS
Would you consider yourself "Damaged", "Scarred", or "Fucked-Up"? If yes, explain why (it might make me like you more, oddly enough)
What would you say is your biggest flaw?
Are you jealous? Would you have a problem dating a guy with many platonic female friends?
Are you direct and open with your feelings/thoughts?
Do you like to test the men you're with?
Have you ever cheated on your significant other? If so, what were the circumstances?
SEX STUFF
Ideally, how many times a week would you have sex?
List any 15 big turn-ons or fetishes for you. If you don't have 15, list as many as you can think of.
How many of the following sex acts appeal to you :
-Regular Sex
-Handjobs/Fingering
-Oral Sex
a) Giving (Swallow Y/N-Deep Throat Y/N)
b) Receiving
-Anal Sex (Receiving Only, Kthnx)
-Titty-Fucking and/or cumming on boobies
-Facials
-Dress Up (Schoolgirl, Various Goth-ic attire)
-Handcuffs, Duct Tape, or other tying up?
-Dirty Talk
-Dancing/Lapdancing
-FMF Threesomes?
What are your favorite positions?
In general, how long would an average session of sex last?
Are you on birth control? Would you require condoms in a long term relationship?
The guy cums. Where do you want it?
YOUR PERCEPTION OF ME
What parts of my physical appearance do you like?
What parts of my physical appearance do you not like?
What parts of my personality do you like?
What parts of my personality do you not like?
YOU
Write a few sentences about why you think you would be a good match for me.
MISC
Is there anything you wanted to add that wasn't covered in the above questions?
THANK YOU FOR APPLYING. =D
Hello SG,
I just joined this site, but i have blogs on 4 different sites (Myspace, Fubar, Livejournal, and Open Diary) so i'll start posting them here too. Until then, just saying hi. Feel free to send me a friend request if you like my profile. Keep in mind, it is a work in progress.
I just joined this site, but i have blogs on 4 different sites (Myspace, Fubar, Livejournal, and Open Diary) so i'll start posting them here too. Until then, just saying hi. Feel free to send me a friend request if you like my profile. Keep in mind, it is a work in progress.
