YOURE AN IDIOT....AS SEEN ON TV!!!!
DVR has to be the greatest invention of the last 10 years. Because without it, I would have to watch all of the commercials that are basically calling me a fucking idiot. When did it become so hard to peel a hard boiled egg? Are people dying in freak egg shell accidents? Is that why "Eggies" was invented?
And have you seen the fucking guy who promises that you can build rock hard muscle on "The Rack"? Hey dipshit, youre working out on a fucking geriatric's walker! Were you taking care of Grandma when you had this moment of brilliance?
And "Pajama Jeans"! Are you fucking kiddding me? Go put some real pants on, you lazy bitch. Its like the woman who wears yoga pants everywhere she goes, but with less self esteem. I love that line in the commercial that says,"Real jeans leave marks on yourt skin". NOT IF YOU ARE WEARING THE RIGHT SIZE YOU SUPERFICIAL BITCH!!! STOP WORRRYING ABOUT WHAT THE ANOREXIC CHICK BEHIND THE COUNTER THINKS ABOUT YOU AND BUY THE RIGHT SIZE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO CONVINCE OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE A SIZE 4 WHEN YOU ARE REALLY AN 8!!!!!
Ladies, I hate to keep picking on you, but most of these commercials seem to be aimed at you. Can you explain to me what is the fucking difference between the "ahh Bra" and a regular sports bra? It looks exactly the same. Probably feels exactly the same. So who slapped a new name on an old product and thought it was genius.
But just so Im not accused to only picking on the women. Guys, is anyone buying the "Men's Body Shaper". Its a girdle for dudes. I love the tag line,"Look 10 pounds thinner instantly". WOW, I feel like a fucking moron. I did it the hard way and just went out and lost 20 lbs. Who knew that I could've spent 20 bucks and bought a dude girdle.
And if I see anyone with a pair of HD sunglasses, Im going to punch them right in the face. THIS IS REAL LIFE YOU FUCK TARD. IT DOESN'T GET MORE HIGH DEFINITION THAN THIS!!! And I love how they come in "Aviator style". For all of you people who have fantasies about being Tom Cruise in Top Gun.......20 years after the movie was popular.
But my favorite of all times is the Criss Angel Mind Freak magic kit. "Now you too can be a douche just like Criss Angel himself". Now if the kit came with a bedazzled black button down shirt and a jar of Axe hair gel, that might actually be worth it. But the kit is full of things that will guarantee that you never get laid at a party. Nothing is more of a panty dropper than holding a woman hostage, by the deli tray, while you try and guess which card is hers. Wake up dumbshit, Chris Angel is trying to make sure that he is the only guy in the country getting laid.
DVR has to be the greatest invention of the last 10 years. Because without it, I would have to watch all of the commercials that are basically calling me a fucking idiot. When did it become so hard to peel a hard boiled egg? Are people dying in freak egg shell accidents? Is that why "Eggies" was invented?
And have you seen the fucking guy who promises that you can build rock hard muscle on "The Rack"? Hey dipshit, youre working out on a fucking geriatric's walker! Were you taking care of Grandma when you had this moment of brilliance?
And "Pajama Jeans"! Are you fucking kiddding me? Go put some real pants on, you lazy bitch. Its like the woman who wears yoga pants everywhere she goes, but with less self esteem. I love that line in the commercial that says,"Real jeans leave marks on yourt skin". NOT IF YOU ARE WEARING THE RIGHT SIZE YOU SUPERFICIAL BITCH!!! STOP WORRRYING ABOUT WHAT THE ANOREXIC CHICK BEHIND THE COUNTER THINKS ABOUT YOU AND BUY THE RIGHT SIZE INSTEAD OF TRYING TO CONVINCE OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU ARE A SIZE 4 WHEN YOU ARE REALLY AN 8!!!!!
Ladies, I hate to keep picking on you, but most of these commercials seem to be aimed at you. Can you explain to me what is the fucking difference between the "ahh Bra" and a regular sports bra? It looks exactly the same. Probably feels exactly the same. So who slapped a new name on an old product and thought it was genius.
But just so Im not accused to only picking on the women. Guys, is anyone buying the "Men's Body Shaper". Its a girdle for dudes. I love the tag line,"Look 10 pounds thinner instantly". WOW, I feel like a fucking moron. I did it the hard way and just went out and lost 20 lbs. Who knew that I could've spent 20 bucks and bought a dude girdle.
And if I see anyone with a pair of HD sunglasses, Im going to punch them right in the face. THIS IS REAL LIFE YOU FUCK TARD. IT DOESN'T GET MORE HIGH DEFINITION THAN THIS!!! And I love how they come in "Aviator style". For all of you people who have fantasies about being Tom Cruise in Top Gun.......20 years after the movie was popular.
But my favorite of all times is the Criss Angel Mind Freak magic kit. "Now you too can be a douche just like Criss Angel himself". Now if the kit came with a bedazzled black button down shirt and a jar of Axe hair gel, that might actually be worth it. But the kit is full of things that will guarantee that you never get laid at a party. Nothing is more of a panty dropper than holding a woman hostage, by the deli tray, while you try and guess which card is hers. Wake up dumbshit, Chris Angel is trying to make sure that he is the only guy in the country getting laid.
I figured it was time for a proper update. As I said in my last update, I am now one half of the Vendetta Pro Wrestling Tag Team champions. But after talking to my tag partner, Jesse. We have agreed that those belts are the ugliest fucking things that we have ever seen.
See? These things are monkey-butt ugly. So we talked to the promotion about getting new ones. The promoter agreed that they are ugly as sin. He said that he was going to order new ones, but he has been saying that he was going replace his midcard title belt for the last two years now. So Jesse and I offered to pay for our own belts, and if the promotion wants to keep using them after we drop the titles, then they can buy them from us. We did some looking around and we found these
Much better, wouldnt you say? A pair of them is only $400, which is really good since one belt can run up to $1500. A pair for 1/3 of the price is damn good. I know they are old belts, but considering the history of the teams who have held these belts, Im perfectly fine with that.
In other news, I was completely serious when I said that I was going to write a book. I have finished the first 11 chapters. I have no clue how long this book is going to be. I have an outline of things that I want to talk about, but I keep coming up with things that I forgot, so the outline keeps getting longer. So wish me luck.
Anyway, thats all for now. I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to hear from everyone, very soon.
See? These things are monkey-butt ugly. So we talked to the promotion about getting new ones. The promoter agreed that they are ugly as sin. He said that he was going to order new ones, but he has been saying that he was going replace his midcard title belt for the last two years now. So Jesse and I offered to pay for our own belts, and if the promotion wants to keep using them after we drop the titles, then they can buy them from us. We did some looking around and we found these
Much better, wouldnt you say? A pair of them is only $400, which is really good since one belt can run up to $1500. A pair for 1/3 of the price is damn good. I know they are old belts, but considering the history of the teams who have held these belts, Im perfectly fine with that.
In other news, I was completely serious when I said that I was going to write a book. I have finished the first 11 chapters. I have no clue how long this book is going to be. I have an outline of things that I want to talk about, but I keep coming up with things that I forgot, so the outline keeps getting longer. So wish me luck.
Anyway, thats all for now. I hope everyone is doing well and I hope to hear from everyone, very soon.
Had an absolutely excellent weekend. I wrestled up in Atascadero this weekend and walked out of the show as one half the the Vendetta Pro Wrestling Tag Team Champions
Awesome!!!
Awesome!!!
Ive decided that I am going to write a book. I saw a book titled "11,00 things that should make you miserable" But when you opened it up, this douche just listed things that annoyed him....for 200 fucking pages. He didnt explain a single damn thing. He just listed things like "Telemarketers, Door to door Salesmen, Rush hour traffic, last call." So I decided that if he could get that published, Im writing a book.
Triple Scoop of Stupid
In the wake of the Casey Anthony thing, I think we all need some funny. And as always, I am here to deliver.
Does everyone remember Chris Hanson? The "to Catch a Predator" guy? Ok, well Chris Hanson was caught by hidden camera, cheating on his wife with a woman who was 20 years younger than him. HAHAHAHA, TAKE THAT COCK BLOCK!!! Now they say he who lives by the sword dies by the sword, But Chris Hanson is the first guy to get bitten in the ass by a video camera.........if you dont count the LAPD.
Staying in the realm of catching predators. Police in Eastern Indiana arrested an Amish Man, who showed up on a horse and buggy, to have sex with a 12 year old girl. Apparently he was texting this girl pictures (Yes I said texting) of his Amish Junk and trying to get the girl to send him naked pictures of herself. The girl had no idea who this guy was, so she told her mom about the texts, the mom informed the police. The police then baited the prepubescent hook, and this dumbshit took the bait. So thinking he was about to get some hot unholy action, he hitched up the horse and buggy, and headed into town. The man was arested but I was hoping that the cops wouldve tazed him. Something about tazing an Amish guy, that wouldve been the perfect end to this story.
And finally, in Perish, New York. A member of "American Bikers Aimed Toward Education" was riding in a protest against mandatory helmet laws. He was forced to hit his brakes, flew over the handle bars of his Harley and hit his head on the pavement. He was rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival. Hold on, there's is something in my throat....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I feel better now. WAY TO FUCK UP THE PROTEST BILLY BOB!!! This story just fell into my lap and it was like christmas in July. I didnt even know where to start. OK, let's starts with:
1) "American Bikers Aimed TOWARD EDUCATION", you wouldn't think that a member of an organization promoting education would do something this fucking stupid.
2) He was protesting mandatory helmet laws, but Ironically if he had been wearing a helmet he couldve finished the protest and everybody wouldnt have had to go home early.
3) Is this the last time that they are going to try this protest? Are they going to have the balls to try this again next year, or the year after? Because you know the next time this protest gets arranged, the media (Or just some smart ass like me) is going to mention," hey isnt that the protest where a guy was killed at last time because he wasnt wearing a helmet?
In the wake of the Casey Anthony thing, I think we all need some funny. And as always, I am here to deliver.
Does everyone remember Chris Hanson? The "to Catch a Predator" guy? Ok, well Chris Hanson was caught by hidden camera, cheating on his wife with a woman who was 20 years younger than him. HAHAHAHA, TAKE THAT COCK BLOCK!!! Now they say he who lives by the sword dies by the sword, But Chris Hanson is the first guy to get bitten in the ass by a video camera.........if you dont count the LAPD.
Staying in the realm of catching predators. Police in Eastern Indiana arrested an Amish Man, who showed up on a horse and buggy, to have sex with a 12 year old girl. Apparently he was texting this girl pictures (Yes I said texting) of his Amish Junk and trying to get the girl to send him naked pictures of herself. The girl had no idea who this guy was, so she told her mom about the texts, the mom informed the police. The police then baited the prepubescent hook, and this dumbshit took the bait. So thinking he was about to get some hot unholy action, he hitched up the horse and buggy, and headed into town. The man was arested but I was hoping that the cops wouldve tazed him. Something about tazing an Amish guy, that wouldve been the perfect end to this story.
And finally, in Perish, New York. A member of "American Bikers Aimed Toward Education" was riding in a protest against mandatory helmet laws. He was forced to hit his brakes, flew over the handle bars of his Harley and hit his head on the pavement. He was rushed to the hospital where he was pronounced dead on arrival. Hold on, there's is something in my throat....
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I feel better now. WAY TO FUCK UP THE PROTEST BILLY BOB!!! This story just fell into my lap and it was like christmas in July. I didnt even know where to start. OK, let's starts with:
1) "American Bikers Aimed TOWARD EDUCATION", you wouldn't think that a member of an organization promoting education would do something this fucking stupid.
2) He was protesting mandatory helmet laws, but Ironically if he had been wearing a helmet he couldve finished the protest and everybody wouldnt have had to go home early.
3) Is this the last time that they are going to try this protest? Are they going to have the balls to try this again next year, or the year after? Because you know the next time this protest gets arranged, the media (Or just some smart ass like me) is going to mention," hey isnt that the protest where a guy was killed at last time because he wasnt wearing a helmet?
Daily Dose of Stupid
I know I have been pretty lax on my Daily Dose of Stupid blogs, but Im unemployed and except for the gym and to see my awesome girlfriend, I dont leave my house too terribly often. But on the same day that the U.S. Postal Service and AARP decided to remind me that Im getting older, Almighty God dropped comedy gold in my lap.
So I was listening to Christopher Titus' podcast today and they started covering the news when a story was read from Florida. Apparently some redneck retard had an extremely painful wart on his left hand. For whatever reason, mecidal science could do nothing for this poor Floridian, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. He thought it would be a good idea to perform a "home surgical procedure".
So this redneck Dr. House applied a local anesthetic (and by local anesthetic, I mean he went down to his local liquor store and bought himself a 12 pack). After numbing himself up good, he attempted to grip and level a 12-gauge shotgun in his right hand. He took aim at the wart on his left hand, and pulled the trigger. Amazingly enough, this actually worked. He successfully removed the painful wart
................................(wait for it)...........................
along with his entire middle finger.
WHAT A DUMBASS!!!!!!!!!
When questioned by police, what the hell he was thinking, this white trash treasure only said that he stands by his decision. I guess he isnt the least bit discouraged by his ability to now only be able to count to 9.
I will close this with a quote from my Kickboxing and JuJitsu instructor. A quote that has completely changed the way I view the world. My instructor, Kori, once said,"The only difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has limits"
I know I have been pretty lax on my Daily Dose of Stupid blogs, but Im unemployed and except for the gym and to see my awesome girlfriend, I dont leave my house too terribly often. But on the same day that the U.S. Postal Service and AARP decided to remind me that Im getting older, Almighty God dropped comedy gold in my lap.
So I was listening to Christopher Titus' podcast today and they started covering the news when a story was read from Florida. Apparently some redneck retard had an extremely painful wart on his left hand. For whatever reason, mecidal science could do nothing for this poor Floridian, so he decided to take matters into his own hands. He thought it would be a good idea to perform a "home surgical procedure".
So this redneck Dr. House applied a local anesthetic (and by local anesthetic, I mean he went down to his local liquor store and bought himself a 12 pack). After numbing himself up good, he attempted to grip and level a 12-gauge shotgun in his right hand. He took aim at the wart on his left hand, and pulled the trigger. Amazingly enough, this actually worked. He successfully removed the painful wart
................................(wait for it)...........................
along with his entire middle finger.
WHAT A DUMBASS!!!!!!!!!
When questioned by police, what the hell he was thinking, this white trash treasure only said that he stands by his decision. I guess he isnt the least bit discouraged by his ability to now only be able to count to 9.
I will close this with a quote from my Kickboxing and JuJitsu instructor. A quote that has completely changed the way I view the world. My instructor, Kori, once said,"The only difference between Genius and Stupidity is that Genius has limits"
Thanks for the Perfect Birthday
This past weekend was my birthday and I have to say that it was pretty damn great. I had the kind of birthday that I love. There were tons of friends and family who either called or dropped me a line on Facebook. With the exception of my Dad, who called me at 5:00 in the morning because he is in Florida right now and didnt take the 3 hour time difference into account. Im unemployed, I really dont need to be conscious at 5am. But bad timing not withstanding, it was great that he called.
I only got two presents and both were awesome. My mom bought me a Plasma screen TV, which was great because my old tv was on its last leg. And my buddy Jesse bought me a book called "The Bro Code" because Jesse is desperately trying to defend his need to still high five and fist bump. At least we finally broke him of the habit of chest bumping.
"We are not Milli Vanilli. There is no need to bump chests after 1989"
I was supposed to wrestle the day after my birthday, but due to circumstances out of anyones control, those plans got scrapped. Fortunately I had a great back up plan, which was to spend the day after my birthday completely hungover. Its not wrestling, but as far as "day after my birthday" plans go, it wasnt half bad. Sarah, Amanda and I went to the Fire & Ice Grille and Bar in the Anahiem Gardenwalk, where we all took in way too much alcohol, just enough food to keep our alcohol intake on the right side of legal. And then made fun of the people who were way too dressed up for a night out at the strip mall.
The only downside was that we waited a few hours, until we were sober enough to drive home, before we left. So halfway home we were all pretty hungry again. Well we stopped on Lyons ave to gas up and we noticed that the Taco Bell next to the gas station was closed for remodeling. It was at that exact moment that we all started wanting Taco Bell really damn badly. We all started craving Taco Bell like a heroin addict looking to score. We were willing to sell our souls for it. Nothing tastes better after a night of drinking, than Taco Bell. But of course, there isnt a single Taco Bell open between Newhall and Bakersfield. Bastards!!! Ironically, Sarah and I woke up the next morning and said, "we are getting taco bell, today, if its the last thing we do." We then talked to Amanda later and found out that she woke up with the same "I will not be denied Taco Bell 2 days in a row" attitude that we woke up with.
So in addition to that, I got to see a great Roller Derby game featuring the Derby Revolution of Bakersfield. Ran into my awsome friend Angela. We were talking for about 20 minutes when we realized that this is the first time we have all hung out when all 3 of us were sober. Not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
And then follow that up with the fact that I got to do absolutely nothing on sunday. Thats what I call the perfect birthday. So if you called me, sent me a message on facebook, or contributed to the death of many many healthy Brain and Liver cells. Thank you so much for the prefect birthday weekend.
This past weekend was my birthday and I have to say that it was pretty damn great. I had the kind of birthday that I love. There were tons of friends and family who either called or dropped me a line on Facebook. With the exception of my Dad, who called me at 5:00 in the morning because he is in Florida right now and didnt take the 3 hour time difference into account. Im unemployed, I really dont need to be conscious at 5am. But bad timing not withstanding, it was great that he called.
I only got two presents and both were awesome. My mom bought me a Plasma screen TV, which was great because my old tv was on its last leg. And my buddy Jesse bought me a book called "The Bro Code" because Jesse is desperately trying to defend his need to still high five and fist bump. At least we finally broke him of the habit of chest bumping.
"We are not Milli Vanilli. There is no need to bump chests after 1989"
I was supposed to wrestle the day after my birthday, but due to circumstances out of anyones control, those plans got scrapped. Fortunately I had a great back up plan, which was to spend the day after my birthday completely hungover. Its not wrestling, but as far as "day after my birthday" plans go, it wasnt half bad. Sarah, Amanda and I went to the Fire & Ice Grille and Bar in the Anahiem Gardenwalk, where we all took in way too much alcohol, just enough food to keep our alcohol intake on the right side of legal. And then made fun of the people who were way too dressed up for a night out at the strip mall.
The only downside was that we waited a few hours, until we were sober enough to drive home, before we left. So halfway home we were all pretty hungry again. Well we stopped on Lyons ave to gas up and we noticed that the Taco Bell next to the gas station was closed for remodeling. It was at that exact moment that we all started wanting Taco Bell really damn badly. We all started craving Taco Bell like a heroin addict looking to score. We were willing to sell our souls for it. Nothing tastes better after a night of drinking, than Taco Bell. But of course, there isnt a single Taco Bell open between Newhall and Bakersfield. Bastards!!! Ironically, Sarah and I woke up the next morning and said, "we are getting taco bell, today, if its the last thing we do." We then talked to Amanda later and found out that she woke up with the same "I will not be denied Taco Bell 2 days in a row" attitude that we woke up with.
So in addition to that, I got to see a great Roller Derby game featuring the Derby Revolution of Bakersfield. Ran into my awsome friend Angela. We were talking for about 20 minutes when we realized that this is the first time we have all hung out when all 3 of us were sober. Not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
And then follow that up with the fact that I got to do absolutely nothing on sunday. Thats what I call the perfect birthday. So if you called me, sent me a message on facebook, or contributed to the death of many many healthy Brain and Liver cells. Thank you so much for the prefect birthday weekend.
Things I DON'T miss about my 20's
My grilfriend, Sarah, is planning her birthday party and she wants to do a '96 themed party. So that got me thinking about where I was in, and around, '96, and it really got me thinking about my 20's. There is a lot of shit that I really don't miss.
I dont miss girls who brag about the ability to tie a cherry stem with their tongue. Was that supposed to be sexy? Being able to tie a cherry stem with your tongue is only slightly more sexy than the ability to burp the alphabet. And every girl who brags about it needs to be punched in the face.
I dont miss pretending that I liked dancing in night clubs. I fucking hate dancing. And any guy who "loves" dancing is probably gay. I only pretended to like it because I was in a night club trying to get laid. Guess what? Never happened either. I got to second base on many occasions. I even got to third on more than a few occasions. But never got laid. Ive hooked up with more women that I met in traffic school, than I ever did in bars.
I dont miss my guy friends who always wanted to go to the bars to pick up chicks....BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!! I used to have a lot of guy friends who always talked about going to bars and picking up chicks, but they always ended up standing in a group with each other, acting like dip shits, and most of the time repelling any and all women. And the night usually ended up in a Taco Bell parking lot, eating shitty food and listening to these fuck tards talk about all the chicks that they were so close to scoring with. Now I go to bars to get drunk, and Im never dissapointed.
I dont miss women who have "figured out" all men. I swear, if I had a bullet for everytime I heard a woman say, "All men are dogs". Stop telling me that all men think about is sex. REALLY GIDGET? FIGURED THAT ONE OUT ALL BY YOURSELF, DID YOU? Saying that "All men want is sex" is about as profound as saying that "All Water is Wet". Shut up! Youre 24 years old, you dont know shit about shit. And I didnt hear you complaining when you were busy NOT paying for your own drinks. Go fuck yourself.
I really dont miss High Fives. It is impossible for two guys, in their 30's, to high five and not look like complete assholes. When have you ever seen two guys High Five over something that wasnt retarded?
"Hey, I just made a really douchy joke...HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, that sports team that we have absolutely no affiliation with just won a game....HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, Im going to sexually harrass this Hooters waitress so my dudes dont know Im gay....HIGH FIVE!!!!"
I dont miss thinking Cologne will get me laid. Hey guys, have you ever gotten laid because of the cologne you were wearing? FUCK NO, YOU HAVENT!!! Because if you had, that would be the only cologne in existence. Now dont get me wrong, smelling good doesnt hurt your chances. But that can be accomplished by showering and throwing on a decent after shave. My $10 after shave has gotten me laid as much as your $90 bottle of AmberCrobie and Fitch cologne. (legally anyway)
I dont miss Grunge music in the least. As a good friend of mine once pointed out,"Who were the biggest Grunge bands ever? Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Four different bands who sound nothing alike. So then explain to me what the fuck Grunge music was?" Im glad Grunge died with Cobain.
I dont miss that guy at work who would never shut the fuck up about all the chick that he has banged. A quick hint, the more a guy talks about all the women who has hooked up with, the lower that number is in real life. You dont hear Micheal Jordan or Wayne Gretsky talking about all the games they won, do you? No you dont, because they did it on such a regular basis that it wasnt a big deal anymore. Trust me, when a guy is making a big deal about all the tail he has gotten, he is bullshitting you and trying to pad his stats.
And Finally
I seriously dont miss all the women who had their entire life planned out, half way through our first date. "I want to be married by the time Im 25. Have my first child by 26. Wait a few years and have my second child by 29. My best friend and I are going to live right next door to each other. Our kids are going to go to school together, and probably end up dating and eventually married." I know more than a few women who had a plan similar to this. Most of them tried to make it work. But for some reason they forgot to plan out "DIVORCED BY 31"
My grilfriend, Sarah, is planning her birthday party and she wants to do a '96 themed party. So that got me thinking about where I was in, and around, '96, and it really got me thinking about my 20's. There is a lot of shit that I really don't miss.
I dont miss girls who brag about the ability to tie a cherry stem with their tongue. Was that supposed to be sexy? Being able to tie a cherry stem with your tongue is only slightly more sexy than the ability to burp the alphabet. And every girl who brags about it needs to be punched in the face.
I dont miss pretending that I liked dancing in night clubs. I fucking hate dancing. And any guy who "loves" dancing is probably gay. I only pretended to like it because I was in a night club trying to get laid. Guess what? Never happened either. I got to second base on many occasions. I even got to third on more than a few occasions. But never got laid. Ive hooked up with more women that I met in traffic school, than I ever did in bars.
I dont miss my guy friends who always wanted to go to the bars to pick up chicks....BECAUSE IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED!!! I used to have a lot of guy friends who always talked about going to bars and picking up chicks, but they always ended up standing in a group with each other, acting like dip shits, and most of the time repelling any and all women. And the night usually ended up in a Taco Bell parking lot, eating shitty food and listening to these fuck tards talk about all the chicks that they were so close to scoring with. Now I go to bars to get drunk, and Im never dissapointed.
I dont miss women who have "figured out" all men. I swear, if I had a bullet for everytime I heard a woman say, "All men are dogs". Stop telling me that all men think about is sex. REALLY GIDGET? FIGURED THAT ONE OUT ALL BY YOURSELF, DID YOU? Saying that "All men want is sex" is about as profound as saying that "All Water is Wet". Shut up! Youre 24 years old, you dont know shit about shit. And I didnt hear you complaining when you were busy NOT paying for your own drinks. Go fuck yourself.
I really dont miss High Fives. It is impossible for two guys, in their 30's, to high five and not look like complete assholes. When have you ever seen two guys High Five over something that wasnt retarded?
"Hey, I just made a really douchy joke...HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, that sports team that we have absolutely no affiliation with just won a game....HIGH FIVE!!!"
"Hey, Im going to sexually harrass this Hooters waitress so my dudes dont know Im gay....HIGH FIVE!!!!"
I dont miss thinking Cologne will get me laid. Hey guys, have you ever gotten laid because of the cologne you were wearing? FUCK NO, YOU HAVENT!!! Because if you had, that would be the only cologne in existence. Now dont get me wrong, smelling good doesnt hurt your chances. But that can be accomplished by showering and throwing on a decent after shave. My $10 after shave has gotten me laid as much as your $90 bottle of AmberCrobie and Fitch cologne. (legally anyway)
I dont miss Grunge music in the least. As a good friend of mine once pointed out,"Who were the biggest Grunge bands ever? Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and Soundgarden. Four different bands who sound nothing alike. So then explain to me what the fuck Grunge music was?" Im glad Grunge died with Cobain.
I dont miss that guy at work who would never shut the fuck up about all the chick that he has banged. A quick hint, the more a guy talks about all the women who has hooked up with, the lower that number is in real life. You dont hear Micheal Jordan or Wayne Gretsky talking about all the games they won, do you? No you dont, because they did it on such a regular basis that it wasnt a big deal anymore. Trust me, when a guy is making a big deal about all the tail he has gotten, he is bullshitting you and trying to pad his stats.
And Finally
I seriously dont miss all the women who had their entire life planned out, half way through our first date. "I want to be married by the time Im 25. Have my first child by 26. Wait a few years and have my second child by 29. My best friend and I are going to live right next door to each other. Our kids are going to go to school together, and probably end up dating and eventually married." I know more than a few women who had a plan similar to this. Most of them tried to make it work. But for some reason they forgot to plan out "DIVORCED BY 31"
I just heard a news story that the Los Angeles County Museum of Art just spent $1.5 Million to create an exhibit where a 350 ton boulder is balanced over a trench and people can walk under it. SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT FUCKING IDEA IN EARTHQUAKE COUNTRY!!!
Don't you have to achieve Grace before you can fall from it???
So today's headlines from the MSN website read, "Teen Mom star threatened to commit suicide". My first reaction was,"Let me know when she succeeds". So I read the story and it reported how Amber Portwood called police this morning and told them that she was going to kill herself. For those of you who dont know who this untalented bitch is, she is a nobody who got to be on TV because she is too fucking stupid to know how a condom works.
Why is this news? Who gives a shit if she offs herself? Now I hate to be the cold hearted prick here, but Im going to be. Why do I need to know that she threatened to commit suicide? What has she done to make me care if she lives or dies? Is she a family member or friend of mine? uh nope. Has her existence touched my life in anyway? uh uh. As a matter of fact, if I have to google your name to find out who the hell you are, Im not really going to give two shits if you commit suicide.
Dont get me wrong, When Richard Jeni commited suicide, I was saddend. Because Richard Jeni had made me laugh for the better part of 15 years. He was a talented Actor and Comedian, and to this day when I hear some of his old stand up material, I still thinks its some of the funniest stuff I have ever heard. He is sorely missed.
When Kurt Cobain commited suicide, even though I wasnt the biggest Nirvana fan, I was saddened. Because Cobain was also very talented and he was the voice of a generation. Nirvana came out and changed the entire music scene. So when I found out that he had killed himself, I felt a sense of loss.
Back in 1993, I heard that Kerry Von Erich had commited suicide. Now I know there are a lot of people who dont know Kerry Von Erich, but all the real wresting fans know this name. I had been watching Kerry wrestle since the mid 80's, back in the Sportatorium in Dallas Texas. Kerry was one of the people that made me want to become a wrestler. So when I heard that he was dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound. It broke my heart.
Who the fuck is Amber Portwood? And what would be the difference between her commiting suicide and my neighbor, who never comes out of his house, commiting suicide? If my neighbor commits suicide, does he get to be on the MSN website? I would think his life is just as meaningful as Amber Portwood. So why in the blue hell does she get national headlines? What has she done besides get knocked up at 19 and then put on TV because MTV has another idea for another piece of shit TV show that they can market to empty headed retards?
Amber Portwood isnt the problem, folks. She is a symptom of the problem. I have been saying this for years and Ill probably keep saying it until the day I die. We have lowered our standards, of what makes someone a celebrity, so low that a chick who gets knocked up in high school gets her own show. And please save your breath with all the, "Teen Mom shows young girls all of the consequences of unprotected sex" bullshit. Really?, then why was there a swarm of retarded teens trying to get pregnant when MTV announced that they were casting for the second season? Our standards of what a celebrity is are in the toilet. And now I have to pretend that some chick, who never deserved the the lime light and now threatening the kill herself, is actually important enough to be in the news. Again I say, tell me when she succeeds and let me know when someone talented leaves this world.
So today's headlines from the MSN website read, "Teen Mom star threatened to commit suicide". My first reaction was,"Let me know when she succeeds". So I read the story and it reported how Amber Portwood called police this morning and told them that she was going to kill herself. For those of you who dont know who this untalented bitch is, she is a nobody who got to be on TV because she is too fucking stupid to know how a condom works.
Why is this news? Who gives a shit if she offs herself? Now I hate to be the cold hearted prick here, but Im going to be. Why do I need to know that she threatened to commit suicide? What has she done to make me care if she lives or dies? Is she a family member or friend of mine? uh nope. Has her existence touched my life in anyway? uh uh. As a matter of fact, if I have to google your name to find out who the hell you are, Im not really going to give two shits if you commit suicide.
Dont get me wrong, When Richard Jeni commited suicide, I was saddend. Because Richard Jeni had made me laugh for the better part of 15 years. He was a talented Actor and Comedian, and to this day when I hear some of his old stand up material, I still thinks its some of the funniest stuff I have ever heard. He is sorely missed.
When Kurt Cobain commited suicide, even though I wasnt the biggest Nirvana fan, I was saddened. Because Cobain was also very talented and he was the voice of a generation. Nirvana came out and changed the entire music scene. So when I found out that he had killed himself, I felt a sense of loss.
Back in 1993, I heard that Kerry Von Erich had commited suicide. Now I know there are a lot of people who dont know Kerry Von Erich, but all the real wresting fans know this name. I had been watching Kerry wrestle since the mid 80's, back in the Sportatorium in Dallas Texas. Kerry was one of the people that made me want to become a wrestler. So when I heard that he was dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound. It broke my heart.
Who the fuck is Amber Portwood? And what would be the difference between her commiting suicide and my neighbor, who never comes out of his house, commiting suicide? If my neighbor commits suicide, does he get to be on the MSN website? I would think his life is just as meaningful as Amber Portwood. So why in the blue hell does she get national headlines? What has she done besides get knocked up at 19 and then put on TV because MTV has another idea for another piece of shit TV show that they can market to empty headed retards?
Amber Portwood isnt the problem, folks. She is a symptom of the problem. I have been saying this for years and Ill probably keep saying it until the day I die. We have lowered our standards, of what makes someone a celebrity, so low that a chick who gets knocked up in high school gets her own show. And please save your breath with all the, "Teen Mom shows young girls all of the consequences of unprotected sex" bullshit. Really?, then why was there a swarm of retarded teens trying to get pregnant when MTV announced that they were casting for the second season? Our standards of what a celebrity is are in the toilet. And now I have to pretend that some chick, who never deserved the the lime light and now threatening the kill herself, is actually important enough to be in the news. Again I say, tell me when she succeeds and let me know when someone talented leaves this world.
