Look, it's another post about my thought processes.

Ever been in that situation where you point out something bad in your work situation and your supervisor says "give it a chance" or something of that nature? What that means, of course, is that your supervisor doesn't give a rat's ass about things that cause problems for you, because they don't cause problems for him, and he is not going to do any work to fix problems for you.

Well, this morning it occurred to me that most often I'm just that kind of asshole to my future self. I choose to take the path of least resistance and do things to get me through time rather than use time, to idle time away rather than exert myself. My guitar ability will only be at issue on friday night, so why exert myself for something far off? It's the same with my photography. It's quite a lot of work to make something of photography, and not doing so I leave myself without options or hopes for a more rewarding career than driving vehicles and delivering merchandise. I think that I'm not really an artist or a musician, I'm not "into" those things. I'm a tourist, not an artist. What I most want is not to be stressed, rather than do things that could be stressful, that require some exertion.

Problem with that is taking the path of least resistance leads ultimately to death. It's easier to let yourself slip away when you're older rather than strive to keep your mind alive and vital.

I was thinking about Joseph Campbell's saying "follow your bliss". I think that whether it's because of ADD or just lassitude and anxiety, I don't feel like bliss is attainable. It seems to me that bliss is when you're enraptured in oneness with process. Doing music or art. You really have to be able to lock down your awareness to do that. I could do it when I was doing wheel thrown pottery. It's also why you'll often see me at the mall food court eating wendy's. Something in the food seemed to clear my thoughts and I could read. . It might also be that a large noisy open space is somehow realeasing stress in my mind. I remember once in high school I was reading something in an extremely noisy school cafeteria and a teacher came up to me and asked how I could study in that environment. I was focused and the environment was either irrelevant or maybe drowning out extraneous thoughts.

I've also got to remember to look into herbal antianxiety supplements and see if they help at all.

I sometimes think that I'd be ok if somehow I could feel assured that I could make a living stiving to do something worth doing, like the photography. I guess a lot of great art has been made by people who didn't feel OK but they made art anyway. You could say that the challenge of life is to try to do worthwhile things under unfavorable conditions, with no assurance of financial stability, with no underlying safety net or any protection of the worth or dignity of your potential. The human race disrespects itself quite profoundly in the way it reduces human potential to matters of dollars and cents, with the least interesting ox-people having the advantage, having nothing in their minds to interfere with their hauling at the yoke, earning the check. They don't understand creative people and to a great extent it's in their best interests not to be able to.

Whatever. I do at least have guitar calluses now, which makes typing feel weird, and some 4x5 negatives waiting to be developed; it's not like i've given myself 100% over to lassitude and anxiety, though I could certainly have done a far better job than I have.