IPOD
RADIO
hey all
brief ramble
the roads here in georgia really piss me off. they keep splitting the, the same numbered route goes in two directions when I wasn't expecting it to do so, and i waste a lot of time and stress figuring out where the fuck I am.
it annoys me that my feelings change. i feel crappy when I wake up in the morning, my heart is always beating too fast and I sweat, and i don't know if that might have to maybe do with diabetes starting up, my mom became diabetic when she was 40 and I worry about it. or it might be something else, anxiety or something.
but this morning I was feeling OK here at the pilot off exit 146 on I-75 in florida, just surfing a bit until I head out again after noontime, but just now I started to get that little cloud of depression in the front of my head. and no real reason for it. except maybe i spend too much time surfing.
past couple days my truck was in the shop and i got to unwind a little, played some chess on my computer. i'm getting back into chess shape i guess, being able to see the board and what's going on thereon, but i still make some remarkable stupid blunders. but i'm building my rating up, working my way up through the ranks of programmed opponent personalities. playing a computer does have a different feel from playing a human. Computers are programmed to make mistakes so as to match the playing characteristics of human players, but the kinds of blunders computers make are different from the kinds that humans make. they drop pieces that humans would never drop. to not see that you have to go up against compter opponents who are much stronger than you and won't make those types of mistakes. and in those cases you have to really know what you're doing, in order to penetrate their lines with a real strategy.
my chess playing reflects my real life i guess. I'm not at all an attacking player. I push out a defense and react to what my opponent is doing. this can be a bad strategy for life, always waiting for life to tell you what to do, to tell you what circumstances are favorable for. chess has time limits and you're going to see what you opponent is doing, but life is open ended and you have to make you moves without being able to see everything that's going on on the board in front of you. it is weird that i can see how young men have such supreme overconfidence they will get drunk and wrap their cars around trees, because they feel invincible; overconfidence i think is a survival mechanism that allows people to charge out into a world and make a place for themselves when they don't know all they need to know. in a sense you could say that you can make a place for yourself knowing less than you need to know, if you have confidence, things take care of themselves, people take care of you, and you learn things and solve problems as you run across them. but with me the equation is different, my fundamental mental process is based on the equation of "i can't".
crap crap crap crap. I fucking hate my fundamental mental equation.
brief ramble
the roads here in georgia really piss me off. they keep splitting the, the same numbered route goes in two directions when I wasn't expecting it to do so, and i waste a lot of time and stress figuring out where the fuck I am.
it annoys me that my feelings change. i feel crappy when I wake up in the morning, my heart is always beating too fast and I sweat, and i don't know if that might have to maybe do with diabetes starting up, my mom became diabetic when she was 40 and I worry about it. or it might be something else, anxiety or something.
but this morning I was feeling OK here at the pilot off exit 146 on I-75 in florida, just surfing a bit until I head out again after noontime, but just now I started to get that little cloud of depression in the front of my head. and no real reason for it. except maybe i spend too much time surfing.
past couple days my truck was in the shop and i got to unwind a little, played some chess on my computer. i'm getting back into chess shape i guess, being able to see the board and what's going on thereon, but i still make some remarkable stupid blunders. but i'm building my rating up, working my way up through the ranks of programmed opponent personalities. playing a computer does have a different feel from playing a human. Computers are programmed to make mistakes so as to match the playing characteristics of human players, but the kinds of blunders computers make are different from the kinds that humans make. they drop pieces that humans would never drop. to not see that you have to go up against compter opponents who are much stronger than you and won't make those types of mistakes. and in those cases you have to really know what you're doing, in order to penetrate their lines with a real strategy.
my chess playing reflects my real life i guess. I'm not at all an attacking player. I push out a defense and react to what my opponent is doing. this can be a bad strategy for life, always waiting for life to tell you what to do, to tell you what circumstances are favorable for. chess has time limits and you're going to see what you opponent is doing, but life is open ended and you have to make you moves without being able to see everything that's going on on the board in front of you. it is weird that i can see how young men have such supreme overconfidence they will get drunk and wrap their cars around trees, because they feel invincible; overconfidence i think is a survival mechanism that allows people to charge out into a world and make a place for themselves when they don't know all they need to know. in a sense you could say that you can make a place for yourself knowing less than you need to know, if you have confidence, things take care of themselves, people take care of you, and you learn things and solve problems as you run across them. but with me the equation is different, my fundamental mental process is based on the equation of "i can't".
crap crap crap crap. I fucking hate my fundamental mental equation.
