The last few days I've sat back and looked at myself, my actions over the last few weeks and my motivations! I have no clear conclusions but I kinda know why I did what I did...

I also realised that since exercising nightly these past few months I'd pretty much stopped masturbating... stop me if I'm getting too personal here! But I actually think that it might have chemically thrown me off-balance sending me into this deep desire to attach myself to people that deep down I already knew weren't interested!... So as of last weekend I am now masturbating daily! I actually already feel better for it... who wouldn't!

I'll stop now before I share too much!

This one's for hellfairie who mentioned she liked hate-fuelled bile a while ago...

... ha! See I built that up and even though I'm angry I can't spew the bile... I'm more angry at myself... sorry hellfairie maybe another time!

fpkk - your advice was sound and I don't regret the way I approached it this time... but that somehow makes this worse... it's all about me and how I'm somhow perceived by the world..

It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic but to be told in text talk that someone doesn't "c u that way" - is actually pretty amusing!

Was I meant to be sorry that I didn't look good enough
when this is the only face The Gods gave me
If I'd hung around to be The Boys About Town
Would I have left with more than I've seen lately?

When the wind's changed, I stayed just the same
Still in the blink of an eye
It's been my way to get through my days
with no backing out or denials

Aaaah you coulda stood up for me
Yeah you coulda held out for me
Haaaaah coulda been somebody strong

Was I meant to be worried that I wasn't picked for the team
when the rules you played was made for you only
So I laid down, took my kicking around
And came back up with twice the good The Gods gave me

When the wind's changed, I stayed just the same
Still in the blink of an eye
It's been my way to get through my days
with no backing out or denials

Aaaah you coulda stood up for me
Yeah you coulda held out for me
Haaaaah coulda been somebody strong

Isn't it typical I wrote a big journal entry for today whilst I was working and I e-mailed it to my home address - I get home and my e-mail is playing funny beggers!

Basically I'm toying with asking someone out... I know after the last few months that's a really dumb idea yet it's still in my head... I'll update when I get my e-mail back up and running!

In other news, after having a week or two off, my weight loss is back on track - it's going much slower than it was initially but I'm reasonably happy with the way I look naked now so that's good! I've gone from 196 lbs a few months ago down to 162½ lbs as of today! My initial target was 161 lbs (which is 11½ stone) so I'm very close! And once I reach that I'm going to try and get to 154 lbs (11 stone) - just to see if I can do it!

UPDATE:

Okay I read a book a few months ago about the Buddhist take on anger. I won't go into it too much here but essentially it put forward that by letting anger control us we are essentially punishing ourselves... that sums me up completely and although I'm still not dealing with my issues as well as I should I at least feel I've made a start...

But I digress - last night I was thinking about Heather (the girl I want to ask out) and I realised that I'm only scared of the answer being one extreme or the other because I myself perceive those to be the outcomes.

I have a tendency to be dramatic when I describe my own emotions... but there is no need to describe my emotions... I only have to casually ask her out - she says no it's no big deal (we're still friends and I haven't dramatically thrown our relationship away), she says yes and we go out. I can't believe this has never been clear to me before... d'oh!

So today I texted her and casually asked her out - there was a little self-deprecation thrown in too for good measure but she knows me well enough to expect that! The answer was a maybe and she'll let me know tomorrow (I asked her to a gig and she's working nights so would need the night off)... so with luck tomorrow I'll be happy... but if I'm not I'm confident I won't be suicidal like last time!

Update 2!:

Well there's good news and there's bad news and if I tell you the good news is that I'm not suicidal I think you can probably guess the bad news!

Some random facts...

1) I just made scrambled eggs in the microwave for the first time ever... the future is here!

2) I get so tired lately

3) I spent £150 on DVDs at amazon.com a few days ago! I bought Smallville Season 1, Smallville Season 2, Batman Begins (Deluxe Edition), Batman: The Motion Picture Anthology (8-disc Box Set), Elektra (Unrated Director's Cut), Land of the Dead (Unrated Director's Cut) and Constantine (Deluxe Edition)... which isn't a new release but I'd forgotten to order it before!

4) Time = Clarity

I know there's not a lot of people who stop by here any more but on the off chance I should apologise for the lack of updates.

There's lots of negativity around me at the moment and I hate to post what would essentially be hate-fuelled bile...

So until I get my head together just some smiley faces...

Well I guess it's update time...

The new tattoo seems to have healed nicely - the only downside is that I really want another one now! But I'm going to give it the same amount of consideration as I gave this one... actually that's not true as I always wanted to get a tattoo before I was twenty... then I sort of lost a decade of my life in passing... but my second tattoo will get at least a few months consideration!

The situation with the girl is now okay... I actually feel more at ease talking to her now and she still makes me smile... I just have to try and keep the times where that smile makes my heart melt down to a minimum!

Things I'm not looking forward to this week:

Going out for a meal with my family for my Mum's birthday... I hate how we have to pretend we're a normal family when we're anything but!

Things I am looking forward to this week:

Going to my mates in Southport for his 2nd baby daughters 1st birthday - I don't see my mates as often as I'd like so I always look forward to seeing them anyway and the babies just make me really happy (he has 2 beautiful baby daughters and a son on the way)...

Okay no more about the girl... well maybe a bit. I haven't seen her in a week and I feel better about the whole thing... of course come Monday when I see her I'm not sure how I'll feel...

But onto other things... I was nervous as hell today but my new mantra is fear is good as it's something to overcome... so today I had my first tattoo done... I was suprised by how little pain was involved and by the lack of blood... it was kinda cool!

I don't have any photos yet but I'll try and get some taken...

Peace out...

EDIT: It's pretty damn hard to photograph your own arm but here some awkward angled shots of my new tattoo (it's actually straight on my arm but because I'm twisting it looks all kinds of askew!)...

I'm not proud of this and I've gone over it elsewhere on the internet but I guess this is my blog and I should cover this...

I had an epithany on Monday... over the past few months I'd built this thing with the girl up inside my head so much that I needed to get it out there (I've been attracted to her for eight years but it's only these last few months were I actually decided to get to know her and I became completely smitten... I pretty much keep myself to myself at work ususally hence the eight years!)...

So on Monday I think I need to do something - I need to just tell her now... no more putting it off... no more lying to myself and saying next week, next month, when I've got a six-pack ( )... I should do it now... of course it's kinda hard to catch her alone so I put my excellent language skills to use and an e-mail is sent off... not the most romantic gesture I know but I told her how I felt and it took a lot of courage for me to do that...

I think you can probably all guess were this is heading... basically the usual sugar-coated flat out rejection...

I'm a nice guy (and there aren't many of us about) and she's still sort of on and off with her ex... which got me because she's basically stated several times over the last few weeks she wished she had a boyfriend... so that didn't add up...

Anyway here's some of my comments from another message board I posted the next morning...

This shit doesn't get any easier as you get older and I hate being on the verge of thirty and spending the night crying because once again I'm the nice guy who lost out. And yeah, I'm man enough to admit I cry... fuck I've even shed a tear or two this morning at my desk because, even though our casual friendship wasn't going to change in light of this rejection, I already know it has and I know I've lost something good from my life... (fuck, I'm tearing up again)...

Most of all I'm disappointed in myself for falling into this trap again... how many times before I learn that whatever it is I'm actually looking for in life is so far out of my reach that any attempt to grab onto it can only end in tears (literally!)...

and

She said nothing would change but today she couldn't even make eye contact with me... and I feel I've lost a little bit of happiness from my life... I used to look forward to seeing her walk past and smile... now I just think I made a really dumb decision to tell her how I felt...

I did apologise later because I felt the awkwardness was mostly from me but still it will never be the same and I regret that I can never look into her eyes again and smile without feeling that I'm just leering at her... you'll have to excuse me I've just started crying again (whiny little emo bitch that I am!)

So there you have it...

Today's observation - If you don't update for a long time you can look back at what you said you were going to do and feel incredibly bad about being a complete coward and not sticking to your plans... I didn't send the flowers to the girl

My life is currently at an unhappy juncture and although it will make me sound vain the only thing I'm happy about at the moment is my weight loss - in the last ten weeks I've gone from 196lbs down to 171½lbs (thats a loss of 24½lbs if you're counting... which I am!)... I'd really like to lose another 14lbs...

And about the girl... well I still want to tell her how I feel... and I'm sure I will at some point... but I need to like who I am before I can expect anyone else to.

Geez, that was depressing!

In brighter news - I love "Lost"! The first season finally started to air here in the UK and I love it (I've been watching each episode three times!). I already have the American Season 1 DVD set on pre-order and I will be downloading the new Season 2 episodes once they start airing stateside so I can watch them when I'm done with Season 1!

About a week ago I had this strong desire to try and make my life better... maybe it's my mid-life crisis creeping up on me early (after all I will be turning 30 next year). Anyway I basically realised I'm unhappy... actually that was no great realisation but you know the first step is admitting you have a problem and all that jazz! But still I then tried to actually come up some with some concrete reasons for this - something I can try and deal with...

My first one was my weight... I'm very insecure about my body and especially recently I've let myself go quite badly and I often find myself comfort eating... and to put it bluntly... I'm jiggly! So I then looked up one of those height weight ratio things online and for my height I should really weigh between 9¾ stone and 12¾ stone - so for the first time in probably 10 years I weighed myself... and I can confirm that I an overweight (I was 14 stone)... the thing is I eat relatively healthily - I basically eat 2 meals a day - lunch at work that consists of a sandwich and two pieces of fruit and then an evening meal... but then on days when I'm feeling particularly low I hit the snacks... and aside from walking to and from the bus stop I don't exercise...

So I want to be more confident about my body - I need to get down to a healthy weight and lose some jiggliness! So I've cut out all the snacks and I've started doing sit ups of an evening - I started doing fifty a night and by last night I was doing eighty... I think this is working because I've already noticed a slight difference and I've gone down to about 13¾ stone - hopefully if I keep it up I can lose some of my excess weight and feel more confident about myself...

Next up... I have never had a relationship with anyone... I've had 3 girlfriends in my late-teen/early-twenties years but they weren't really relationships and aside from one disastrous incident about two or three years ago I haven't been out on a date in over eight years. This could of course be linked with the previously mentioned insecurities I have... but it also comes down to me be cripplingly shy... I honestly don't know how to overcome that though.

There is a girl in my office who I've had a crush on for eight years now (which is how long I've worked there!)... and although I'm not expecting anything to happen I've decided I need to confront my fear of expressing emotion and I'm going to send her some flowers for her birthday in two weeks time. I was going to send them anonymously (to save her embarrassment - as at least she can make out she has a secret admirer rather then having to tell everyone that she has received flowers from the office freak... which I'm sure is how I'm perceived by many of my peers) and then send her an e-mail to let her know who they're from and why... but I'm still having my doubts whether this is a good idea... I find myself over analysing everything and the more I do that the less I want to do it...

... so if anyone want to offer me advice or their thoughts I would be grateful!

Okay I guess that's all for now... apologies for the large gaps in updates... and ummm... the new Gorillaz album kicks ass - check it out!