Could someone please end this?

Back home on the farm of my parents when i was younger i was able to smell the coming death. In the morning when i went to the stables, to see if everything is okay, i had just to see a sheep and just knew if it was going to die. I suppose that comes with growing up with animals. The next step was to figure out what it had and if it was worth the money for the vet or not. It seems cruek, but it is just a question of money.

Now my granny is diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The possibility that she survives for longer than half a year is zero. But that is not the worst part. That is the personality melting pain, or the loss of personality due to morphium. And I know that she had a long life. 86 years. And half of them sucked. So on a rational scale I know that it is good. And i care more for the people she lefts behind.I am not sure how my dad will take this.

During my last visit she was mad from pain, and crying and swearing. All she ever wanted is to grow old with my grandpa, who died 40 years ago. And now she has to go through all this alone.
And i am terrified.
In the worst, most selfish way i can imagine.
Not because of my grandma, or my dad.
Just because of the thought of losing the persons i want to grow old with...

I know that this is an irational fear. But ....

I will be gone for some days. To the Oman. To the desert. To talk to business people. To get samples.
Seven days gone. Three days in different planes. One and a half day in a bus. And the rest of the time in meetings and cheap hotels.
I got asked if I am nervous and told to come back safe several times this week. But honestly I am not nervous. And I am not concerned. The trip is well planned. From now on I just go with the flow. As long as I do not end like this



I am fine. Unless you have a spaceship to rescue me. Than I prefere the "naked in the desert and get rescued by a spaceship"-thing

In retrospective... I need to change my behaviour towards women.
The two rules I have are no good. I do not lie and I do not pursue a woman when I think that I do not want to spent some time with her. Okay, to tell a woman that I would like to spent the winter with her, but that I do not know if it would last till summer is not the most romantic thing ever. But at least I am honest. And yes, that is not the most unique statement ever. Other guys are honest as well. But i do not say stuff like "I told you i am an asshole, so it is your fault that I behave like shit". I am nice. Not "bringing roses to a coffee date"- nice but "making an decision even without giving a damn"-nice. You do not know if cinema or bar? The blue or the black skirt. If I do not care, I make a decision. If I care I tell you.

During the last twelve month there were romantic talks with around a dozen woman. 9 ended because the woman were as interesting as a gulp of water. Without gas. One drunken kissing without her texting me ever again (drunken I am kind of touchy). One anorexic alcoholic I really like but I am no therapist. One woman sleeping with me to use me to break of with her boyfriend (she didn't told me about). And one woman I kissed, which does not talked to me about it yet. And to be honest, I like her and would love to spent the winter with her. But I am not sure about what more. The most annoying part is that we havn't talked yet. I asked her if we label it a drunken mistake or if she would go out with me to a casual dinner. No answer so far. I hate it to wait.

I like to be single. But I think two years are enough. So I can either stay nice, wait for random meetings and get screwed. Or I start to be nice and start to ask out interesting woman. But I tried that and it seems to scare of woman. So screwed again.

Let me think about it...

2011, still alive...
PhD-student now...
A lot of things changed...
But since noone will read this...
it doesn't matter...

67 hours back at home

- drunk once
- barbecue twice
- three cakes
- saw the whole family
- fights with my parents one
- fights with my girlfriend one
- fights with my ex-gf one
- 12 hours of work
- 14 hours of sleep
- grandma with 39°C
- walked my dog three times
- sex 7 times
- broke my doorlock
- threatend to move out once
- cleaned my room
- finished some paperwork


yeah life in germany is... faster

The time goes by. I am 28 now. And if u call me in the middle of the night and ask for my age, I will still say "23".

Since my last blogentry a lot of different things happend. I started to live vegetarian, i make sport on a regular basis, my work here in ireland is nearly over (six weeks left) and it goes really well. I still think that my english sucks but I don't care so much. The irish people seem to understand me and do not mind me asking three times what they just said.

I will visit germany for 5 days next week and i am really looking forward to do so. If anyone is in Bremen on Fryday, the juggling jugulars are playing in the Grünenstrasse 18. And if i find someone to keep me company, i will be there.

Only drawback is that i feel like i should see my girlfriend, but i do not want to.

some random stuff

I was out dancing some weeks back and some random irish boys came to me to compliment me on my beard ( i hadn't shaved since january) and asked if they could touch it. They were really pissed after I asked them if they were gay ( apparently "poof" and "bender" are names for gay people over here). But, what other reason could they have to touch my beard?

We went to a concert yesterday evening. It was one of those spontaneous decisions, Kareen, a french summer tudent, just called and aksed and 20 minutes later we were in here car on the way to... yeah, we both did not know. But we collected two italien summer students and they led us to hotel in the countryside. We watched and listend to a small school student band, which played traditional irish music in there function room. Afterwards there were two profesional musicians playing irish music. It was really nice. It seemed as if all the other people there knew each other and it was like a litte family function. really funny, but without the free beer I usually get from mey relatives.

Hello,

I just want to introduce myself to the community. Maybe this blog is not the best way, but the first step.
My real name is Dominik. I didn't choose this nick because of a lack of imagination, it is just that it fits to me and my life, just like a glove. All the old nicknames don't feel right anymore.

I am 27 Years old and a undergraduate student. I am not studying in my 15 Semester like other people of this age. I just started late. Bevor i decided what i want to do with my life i did a lot of different things, but most of it was just plain jobbing and following dreams which didn't worked out.
Don't get me wrong, it is not that i am one of those people who want to do something, like writing a novel, and using this as an excuse for doing nothing. I find something what i want and then i start working.
The last dream was/is to get away from jobbing and start a carrier and, here i am , student, student assistent in a lab, student representative in the university council, organisation of partys and shit for my fellow students. In the middle of the last year me and all my fellow students left germany (it's part of the degree) for a year. I went to New Zealand and after that (with a short visit to Germany) to Ireland (i will stay here till june).
It just happend so much since I left Germany and i had a lot of time to think about the last years. and i think i like my life really, all the work, all the organising, the learning and the possibilitys. I just noticed that i didn't do a lot of things i was used to do. That is not always bad. I don't smoke or do stupid stuff... at least not the selfdestructive shit i was used to. I lost contact to a lot of people and thats pretty good in some cases, i hold contact to the people i love, but i didn't go to a concert in ages, i did not write anything for at least three years (at least nothing else than labreports) and i made no music. And now, while i still have some spare time, before i go back to Germany, to two jobs and my studys, i want to find out what i still want to be part of my life and what not.

I hope that makes sense.

I joined suicidegirls because i like the models, i want to train my english (so if you see any major errors, just give me a message) and i hope that i will find other people than in facebook and co...


and at last...



...me...



...my home...



... and my beloved dog.