Well its another day i still feel like fuckin shit though but all i can do is keep my head up. Work is easy and i am learning really fast and i worked with one of the service managers today and he was like "for the most part you got all this bs down but we gotta perfect a few things." which like whatever i am fuckin fertilizing lawn and spray weed control on them but i guess the shit is super potent.

I got another phone since i broke my old phone on fuckin sunday only problem is i dont have ANYONES fuckin phone number cause the idiot asshole were being asshole idiots or something IDK but whatever.

SOOOO send me a text with your fuckin name 630-440-8859

I still miss my lili really bad everytime i hear my phone ring or it vibrates i hope that maybe its her but it never is. I dont know what i have to do but she said she want me to leave her alone and she will talk to me when she is ready but i dont know if that means "leave me alone" or "i want you to want to talk to me even though i dont want you to"

i dont know if i can live with out my a leee i fuckin hate myself so much right now why cant i ever do anything fuckin right

well i guess its time for me to stop being emo and go get in the shower

LE SIGH

I was going to try and write this blog about what has happened this weekend and since then but i cant even force myself to fuckin write it all down

lets just put it this way i fucked up everything in my life and by everything i mean lili

she is gone and this time i really think its for sure

i really fucked up BAD this time worst part is i love her so fuckin much and i know she loves me more than anything but i am just to much of a fuckin piece of shit and a loose cannon

right now i hate my fuckin life SOOO MUCH i dont even think its explainable

and worse i just got a new job so i gotta put on a happy face all day and on the inside i just feel like i am dieing cause all i think about is her

i dont even wanna do this anymore

i dont wanna live a hollow existence she was the one and i fuckin threw it all away



not to mention i abandond lili she needed me more than ever and i just totally fuckin didnt even take that into consideration and she needed me and i wasnt there for her i was doing fucked up fuckin shit

you know like when poeple ask you "do you regret anything in your life" i will always have and answer to that question everyday for the rest of my life "fuckin up the one thing that really mattered to me and the only one who could ever love me"

So yeah I got a new job on Thursday and I had my first day on Friday. Its a pretty cool job its really easy. I do lawn care but not like mowing the do aeration seeding and fertilizer and shit like that. SO yeah i just walks around and poke holes in the ground with a big machine or I spread seed or fertilizer with a big spreader.

The one machine i use is.....


and then i use a spreader that looks like


then my partner rides this crazy thing but i cant find a picture of it

LILIs dad comes home this weekend and i am really not looking forward to it cause i dont wanna be around all his smoking and i just dont feel like dealing with anymore of his BS cause he has fucked with some many peoples lives just for her own personal gain and "fun time" lili will either be spending alot of time here or me and her are gonna have to get a place together

either way i fuckin love me lili and i hope this shit works out OK but i really doubt it will

LOVE DOC

Lets see maybe I should finally write blog about the weekend.

Well I am not a writer like some other fuckin people so i will just break it down really fast. My boy KiltedGoth came to town as you all know and MelanieK and Crashoverrid3 came to town also. SO like we all hung out and kraven shyla jenna_strange came out with us cause they all live in the area.

we had good time and it was fun

and then KG slept at my house and tried to break into my room so he could fuck me and suck my dick off good thing i locked my door or i would have been forced to have sex with a man

which would have been super hot

we had a good time this weekend and i cant wait to hang out with the shyla and kravens again

and i cant wait to hang out with the big guy KG again

i had good times this weekends fucker heads

Sooooooooo my boy ceann also know as the KiltedGoth is coming to town tomorrow. There has been alot of confusion about what exactly is going on when he comes to town. So me and him are sitting down today hammering out all the plans then i will post another blog later and you can all see exactly what the plans are so yeah woot woot and boner sauce.

It will be nice to know exactly what is going to happens for once rather than all this he said she said we are doing this said that they said that i said that we are going to where he said she said that they said that someone told them that it was cool.

F THAT S

another blog will be posted later and yall will be informed as to what the plans really are

So i was workin for this company that my bestfriend worked for and that his brother kinda ran but really all his brother did was take checks and then cuts checks. My best friends brother is a total fuckin scum bug drug addict piece of fuckin shit. He is like the people that you wish you didnt know. Well this asshole hadnt paid me for 3 weeks so i told his brother if i dont get paid i aint coming to work.

Well i didnt get paid so i didnt go to work and now i dont have a job.

DID I MENTION I STILL HAVENT GOTTEN FUCKIN PAID

i am soooo fuckin pissed off right now and better yet i dont feel like talkin to my best friend anymore cause he for sure had a part in this all i want is my money and to never see any of these people ever again.

But i can promise everyone this you fuck with someone like me and you get yours. it might not be for a few months but his brother will learn what happens when you mess with a fuckin evil crazy bastard like me

FUCK THAT KID I HOPE HE DIES

So I finally got pics of my new tattoos the sparrows well they explain themselves



And then this tattoo is on my left inside calf and its says "in the end were all just chalk lines on the concrete drawn only to be washed away for the time that i have been given I AM WHAT I AM"



LILI got new tattoo today to she got them on her head so check it out Rebel84

So i am sitting outside with my new netbook just enjoy the nice weather. The gf is chillin with her cousin at the pol and i went there for a lil bit but i dont like just sitting arouind at the pool so i was like i dont wanna go back to the pool after we get lunch so i am out on the back porch right now and its fuckin awesome.

I dont really have much to say i do wanna thank KiltedGoth today though with his help i have lost like 10-15 pounds and pants sizes to. Also he helped me alot with quiting drinking and smokinb because those were like 2 huge parts of my life and now they are like distant memories. But he was always there if i needed someone to bitch to about wanting a smoke and shit. I have met alot of cool people in chat but i have to say that i am really lucky i met a guy as awesome as him. If you havent talk to him then you should start.

Thanks KG your like a brother to me now man <3

I dont really have shit else to say i just wanted to write a new blog today

oh yeah and i love you lili you have helped me out alot with the not smokin and drinking thing to thanks for being so understandin with my mood swings and BADDD temper.

i love yoiu lili rebel84

Dude so this morning I was thinking about random music i wanted to put on my mp3 player and i was like i should put on some limp bizkit. Then I was like WTF happened to fred durst he is like one of the best front men of all time

so i started searching around and i found this article FRED DURST ARTICLE

FUCKIN AWESOME

LIMP BIZKIT is gonna play at UFC 100 and then record a new album and release it in the fall that is like the fuckin greatest thing ever.

I hope everyone kept there old school Limp Bizkit jackets and red hats white shirts and KHAKI cargos LOL

ROCK ON

SOOOO I have not had a smoke or a drink in 8 days, and its been hard but with the help of KiltedGoth i have stayed strong. Also I have been workin out everyday to get into better shape cause i am sick of being outa shapes and shit. So KG has been helping me with diet and exercise to make me into a giant sexy killing machine like him.

The only hard part about the whole not smoking and drinking thing has put me on edge with everyone around me. Especially the LILI rebel84 she is around me the most and she is the closest to me i guess the saying "you hurt the ones closest to you the most" is true.

I am really sorry baby i love you and i know that i can be the boyfriend i used to be when i am done with all this.

Thats all