my grandfather has been in the hospital for at least the last month now. last saturday night i got a call from my step-dad saying that my grandfather wouldn't make it through the night. i haven't been close with him in quite some time now, but it didn't help to hold back the rush of emotion that smacked me in the face. my grandfather is still living right now. i don't know how to feel about that because of the state that it has my entire family in. his health keeps going back and forth from bad to not so bad. the only way in which his condition improved is that the doctors don't think he's going to die tonight. i feel somewhat emotionless as i write this right now. i've just had a lot on my mind and i don't like constantly having to waiver back and forth between emotions.

i'm writing this all from my balcony right now. it's kinda chilly out here. according to the weather widget on my dashboard it's 67 degrees out right now. i've been thinking of writing an essay recently. the topic will be on coming to terms with atheism. i want to write it in support for atheists and people who wish to understand atheists. i've just been having a lot of conversations with some friends that i've made recently that are of the christian faith and i'd like to have some way of putting all of my philosophies and beliefs together in one place. i've been terrified to get close to anyone of faith because of how i've been treated or perceived in the past. i believe i'm getting over that now.

i still need to go out and take some pictures. i have tomorrow off but i'm sure i'll be too lazy since i've been working my butt off and i'm closing tonight. sunday is a possibility though. i wonder what i can wrastle up by then. i suppose i should get ready for work soon. maybe i can squeeze some portal in there somewhere.