Hey Gang.

I've been spending alot of time with miss mystery and its been all over the place.

We've fallen, out made up. Almost broken up. well from seeing each other, because there isn't apparently, a relationship. Although with the toothbrush and razor buying yesterday you would be pardoned for thinking there might be something more.

Meh I just like making her smile and she makes me smile. Somewhere in this chaos I'm happy and jumping up and down I think I'm too tired to show it. She curled round me yesterday and went to sleep. We play and she laughs and giggles. Everyday there's something brighter in her eyes and I keep finding all these details that make me incredibly interested in her. Maybe its the challenge of opening her shell. It snaps shut on occasion but I pick up on her expressions and moods better now so that happens less. I study her constantly. Shes like a beautiful picture that you cant help admiring. Theres alot of outside pressures and inner scars that make her unpredictable.

Because of all of this I feel more stable and solid. I remain happy and caring. I'm being patient that the moods will calm and that a little bit of my nature can rub off on her. Well I hope

Hello people, sorry i disconnected for like a week

Lots happened like a massive big bang of chaos and coincidence. I'm drained

It began with a party, a look, something a bit forbidden and now its manifest into something just blinding.

I recently got talking to a girl I met at a party. Although my encounters are crazy as a norm, what you need to know is that she had a boyfriend and I ended up spending the night. I'll maintain I was lured into it but there was just frustration and exhaustion no completion just a faint tease. Waking up with an alarm that made us both feel complete clarity and slight disgust at ourselves.

The second day, after work. She had a date with someone else. I took it to mean more than it was (although to the guy she saw. It was more than it seemed) and because of the apparent dissatisfaction with the night before/ the strong feelings that i didn't want and a simple question from a fuck buddy "do you wanna come over" Things became complicated. I tried to empty my thoughts It didn't work. I was a confused mess, and the bud saw herself more than just a bud and to her credit was one of my best friends. The was becomes apparent soon enough....


The third night I found myself in bed. With the new girl. In awkward passion ended with the painful truth of the night before. Talking, the disgrace. The revelation of being with another. This was all after a "joke" about a competition between me and the other guy. For her. the 11 year friendship guy who had proposed to her the date the day before.

I took the next day off blind in confusion. Lust, admiration and in a dream. We talked, stroked, laid and pondered. She went to work later on and I floated through town realizing about a party i had said i was to attend. We went back and talked. I went off to see my friend i think. Drinking, Laughing. Freezing cold, text the new girl expecting nothing but she arrived and my heart did to. We met and went back to hers. I stayed the night possibly... I had a party in there somewhere (with lots of gay people and bad music). Then I went bowling with work after work. The next day, lots of alcohol, felt terrible about the best friend that I had betrayed... told her when she was at the hospital, her best friend having tests to see if she had lost her baby. MESS.

Ended up back with the new girl. Head and consciousness all over the place.

There's more but I should imagine you can get the gist of the emotional derailment.

Staring and admiring her features. Time, just not even being relevant.

I'm now sat here, typing. After a paranoid delusion that has burrs sticking onto facts and just blooming into fantasy and exaggeration. Losing my grip on what to do because It feels like my soul has just shifted and become so immense I'm scared it will fly off with the wind and carry my sanity with it. Its like I'm drowning and I'm going down to a depth that I haven't been to, that I have not wanted to go anywhere near.

Intense

Always walking the hard way through life

New post new day hurray!

edit- I just bought 5 tickets to download festival.

I lost this week due to overtime and Fallout 3. Hence I'm tired and dead looking. In fact i grossed myself out this morning.

Work were arseholes about a funeral I had to attend a while back and took my leave instead of special paid leave. consequently I couldn't run off on a bout of randomness and go see miro. I am totally gutted about that.

I was so engrossed in my work that this entire week lost its temporal balance. I was convinced it was lunchtime when it was home time. I missed breaks did hours of overtime all because of that darn relativity. Then again its not like i didn't enjoy the work. The only thing is that were phasing out this 50 year old helicopter that i have come to get quite attached to .

I missed my dads birthday yesterday because i haven't a memory for those sort of things and we're quite distant. I have a dad and step dad that get along which is awesome. Except that neither of them are like me, I grew into their ideal. straight, well-mannered and dependable not rebellious so we don't talk unless its worthwhile. I feel closer to... well women, but not. Its confusing I don't know if from all the time i have spent alone that now when the occasions arise that I am biased to being selfish. I find relationships highly complicated and incredibly hard to keep up with. its always a conscious struggle. Nothing is done without thought. It doesn't come naturally and im a bit of a social retard.

I'm sorry i haven't been my usual online active self but my mum and dad are addicted to this game of theirs. Its cute i don't think its detrimental. In fact they both have something in common and i think its fortifying their relationship even more. But Ive missed out on internet'in and Fallout 3 sucked me in. I know true geek I should go out, interact spend my money on alcohol and watch the world spin past in a merry-hungover blitz or get active and do some climbing or boarding but I have obliterated myself. Activity is a little out of the question and unless I'm loving every minute of the activity I'm doing the reality of being there on my own is an ass.

Rescheduled my session with dr evil. Consciously im OK right now neither up nor down in fact I have found myself completely numb and thoughtless on a few occasions like a meditation. Unconsciously I think I'm getting worse. I pick up on minor things like a license plate with RCH or a trip to Amsterdam on offer. Everything that has the slightest inclination to a memory or a fantasy that i have created about the Thousands of things my ex could be doing. I'm not willingly torturing myself its all a bit deeper or I have scabbed over so much its hard to tell. although it seems and feels like I'm fine, that old wound stabs just to let me know its still there and that I have to change or I will always lose people I become fond of. To an extent its true I have that fear everyday it feels like I'm fighting to just keep peoples views of me the way i hope them to be.

I pop the tv on from time to time to get that synthetic emotional buzz. Letting myself float away with a story line keeping myself safe in a series that i know will leave me feeling thoughtful or happy.

Oh and a last thing. I'm thinking I need a weekend away im getting sick and tired of that background buzz that high pitched noise you get when you turn a tv on. Scotland had such sirene and complete silence so perfect you felt rude for breaking it.

Well im going to do something in some way today even if its popping to the coffee shop to read or watch a movie. I have to fill my time with something more fulfilling than this. Although i will spend the next hour commenting posting oogling and being slightly jealous at the photographers.

i would apologise for the lengh of this but i suppose im using this more of a splurge .

Alter-ego ( I write long crazy ill defined sentences when im excited or distracted or I'm thinking about multiple things at once or i have something to say. Plus I think people who rely on grammar aren't really getting the message behind the words and I am lazzzzy)

So I'm going to have to ask someone out for coffee soon , not a big deal I've been led to believe (in most other countries anyway). But here, its on par to admitting your a stalker. Girls recoil in a gasp! and look at you like you have spent days staring at them. Possibly stating "its a bit rapey".

I'm feeling in the mood for randomness. Lifes picking up after the winter. The sun gets up at the same time as me which is cool. I've spread my career wings and fluttered around some military bases with rockets and fighter jets. I'm drinking green tea. Looking spiffy with new haircut and plastic coated retinas. My work has improved and I'm all confident and responsible. Think i needed the depressive kick in the groin. Stabbing my debt monster with a massive �1000 dildo. Clear before the summer hopefully.

I've volunteered for loads of managing stuff at work and I get to make suggestions and people listen and read what you have written with military commitment! woah. For instance soon we are going to be debriefed on the history of the aircraft. Where its stationed the flight crews we work with... etc Such a simple thing but it really gets you into the bigger picture. The bits I play with save people, my work is relied upon, bit of a buzz.

So I'm happy and energy filled right now but I'm still going to this Dr evil because i want to be this way as much of the time as possible.

BLEARGH Anyway

I have been listening to this tune, for like a year now on and off and every time i have it on repeat for so many different reasons sad happy bored. At the minute though, every time the guitar solo kicks in. I have my arms flailing to my air drum and start daydreaming about seeing it live and shouting OVER and OVER... over and over and over again

I don't expect you will get why, or if you will even like it but pop it on. Just to hear something different for a bit.

no more negativity. Promise, for a while anyway.

Narrowly avoided having a kid again I should be drunk somewhere making someone laugh and bashfully eye-humping a barmaid or cashier girl or just working girls. I'm jealous of students. Like pretty much everyone that works. I hope they have lots of fun now and lots of pain later. Which makes me love a working girl thats still happy and cute. Shows they must be made of tougher stuff than the overal majority. Not to say being a student isnt hard graft, sometimes im in awe at the amount of crap people can write when their drunken lie-in existence is threatened. You also get the ones that work hard, ridiculously hard and deserve everything because of the hard crazy hours and work and competition/stress etc. I like those people too

On another note, not so "Ranty" I'm wondering if people can really change, say someone becoming really focused when they are all apathetic normally?

No more pregnancy. Which is not a bad thing she may have never been pregnant in the first place or there is the chance she is still pregnant? ah well.

I had the chance to go to a house party today, lots of younger girls some people I knew and a cousin which I really owe a present. Good way to spend valentines day.

I didn't go because I don't have fun. Last year I had a go at everything. Went out when i didn't really want to. Found myself in some weird places but kept pushing myself further out of my comfort zone. I'm tired of glossy first impressions and the little social lies, acting interested. Acting tired when your bored. I'm negative because of my own expectations and for sacrificing little chunks of hope to the people I meet, It gets harder to take chances when you've had a long run of bad luck.

I watched the curious case of Benjamin button yesterday, good film. Left me feeling that I should be filing my life with culture, art, music the proper things it seems now abnormal to love. This year (aside from Glastonbury) I think I'm going to just venture out on my own more. Stop hating what I have become and make some use out of it. Learn a skill or something that i can dedicate myself to.

23 and I feel 83, I think you have a better go at life if you don't listen to your elders.

So clarification, I got my ex pregnant, she cant get confirmation because she has a low hcg count? that all pregnancy tests check, So she's having a blood test monday. We're going to play some mini golf tommorow, I think I need to be involved and help her through.

I suppose I'm stuck in shock waiting for it all to end and go away.. again

Snap, mind cracked.

headaches, memory breaks

ARGARGLES im going to have to getaway, suggestions? Anywhere as long as its after april

* EDIT * its not uncommon for girls to have a low HCG count. This count is what all pregnancy tests are based on. Usually as it gets nearer to birth this count gets higher. For some its exceedingly low and cant be picked up till 3 months into the pregnancy. In the blood test they actually count the amount of HCG in the blood and determine pregnancy from it, although it may still be to early. Without confirmation she cant have the abortion pill. The only other definite way is to have a scan which is completely ineffective till around 3 months, I think and then the abortion procedure changes and is... bad.

So my ex is pregnant... probably.

I witnessed a Tyre explode at 850 psi nuking the side of the aircraft and almost killing several members of my team putting our rescue helicopter back a few weeks and mentally scaring my mate.

Um Been boarding over the weekend trying not to master the move "ass2faceplant".

Thinking of ways to ask out a GAME till girl at the till.

Looking into the prospect of spending £40 in head sessions a week so i can stop imagining, becoming paranoid and generally torturing self mentally. Also I should be buying a Canon 350D so I can start becoming a hermit that takes pictures of pwetty tings.

P.S Just noticed that the top, that the blonde girl is wearing in Ad above. Depicts my radio controlled monster truck . Awesome. Oh yeah and I'm wearing contacts that are the wrong prescription because Looking good is better than Looking good?

I'm going to start posting in fairy tales in an effort to make my everyday sound like it took place in a land far far away. (that princess post a few days ago was actually completely true. Her dad offered me a £500,000 house and £10,000 in my bank account as long as i stayed with her and kept the kid. Probably would have met nelson mandela. Ah well)

At work in the dragoon stables quietly repairing the harness's. I felt I was being watched. Two shadows hovered over the buckles and in the reflection of the spurs I made out two qrotesque and sinister monsters. Their eyes bored into me their rank bodies twisted and distorted moved closer making all the air dead, stale and quiet. One shorter than the other by a comical extent with rat sharp eyes and protruded nose hissed in a stream of cunning slippery words "what do you think you are doing". Slightly aghast at the weird intrusion into my work, yet pondering that no answer could disarm the negative intent I replied sharply "my job, what are you two doing here". The other taller one now loomed over surprised I had noticed bellowed in deep tones "we're watching for mistakes" His head broad and hard as rock, towered over and his arms dragged along the cobbled floor. I began "mistakes? it seems the only mistake I have made is to not have hidden away in some more secluded spot away from the scanning eyes of the pair of you". "were only trying to help" the creeping one interjected as he leaped up onto the desk and sniffed wildly at the clasp I had just made. "and what is this?" the troll added as he lifted an arm with fingers like poles outstretched pointing at the heap of bundled leather. " that would be the old worn and rotted brace that I'm trying to repair". "Oh" said the troll defeated by his own investigations, "well we'll keep an eye and ear open if you need any "help" " the rat sniffed as he withdrew clumsily falling from the bench with a bump. As they left with the troll keeping an eye on his mate being sure not to crumple him underfoot. I realised this hadnt been the first time, that these two were the probable reasons for my tools that have gone missing and for my work to be shifted around before I had finished. I got back to work with a sigh and waited till there next inspection preparing for a confrontation, i daydreamed of ways of beating them away as i heard a high pitched squeak it seemed the troll had stumbled on his mate.

Watching: MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS

this is the best movie in creation. It has eveything, rent it watch it!.