SO, I recently did makeup for a professional photshoot, that was an interesting experience! It helps to have friends with connections! This might be a start into something serious, the photographer said I could come back! I'm doing it for free, which some people in my family think I shouldn't do, but I didn't go to school for this, I'm no professional. Doing this gives me some excellent experience, great memories, a hand in making something beautiful, and a portfolio of work and a list of connections!! What more could I ask for? Why would I need to get paid? I love doing makeup - and I don't think anyone should pay me unless I could rightfully claim I'm a professional worth getting paid. I'm happy helping out. Fun to see the behind the scenes of professional photography, too. Very nice. My friend who brought me into this is a model, and certainly made me feel insufficient to do anything but do people's makeup. I think my dreams of being a suicidegirl or anything like that is far gone, far faaaar gone. I need to come to terms with who I am now. Whatever part of me that strived to be...what I envisioned myself to be...and held that energy, that fierceness, that...spark, is gone. Or at least, not a part of my life right now. I've grown up, I guess. My life is about holding myself together, holding my environment and the people in my life together. I'm working so hard to just be ok, and everything else to be okay, that I can't be carefree. And I can't take care of myself under the weight of pain and exhaustion and responsibility and my looks have waned, I've aged prematurely under the stress, and I'm just too tired to care anymore. I'm holding onto my youth with a thin string, holding on for my dear life while another part of myself has moved on to the world of responsibility and stress and holding different priorities. The old me who thrived on the pulse of darkness and emotion and that thick, slippery passion and seduction that rides on waves of hormones and sexual tension. I lived off of an underworld, skimming on its surface and not quite drowning in it. Not quite living in it, just off of the idea of it. Now, I cling to things that are soft, gentle, bathed in sunshine and go slow, easy, and calm. I cannot dance, anymore. I cannot even wear the clothes I loved because my skin is too fragile, my body cannot hold itself upright, I need things that are comfortable, not sexy. Sexy isn't even in my vocabulary anymore. Do you realize how foreign that is to me? At this age, I imagined myself up to my ears in tattoos already sketched out and ready to go, pierced in places I wanted accented, hair dyed and cut like an edgy goddess. I would own the clothes I've always wanted, gone to the places and done the things I've always wanted....and its amazing, now I'm a disabled housewife with four cats and the best hobby I can hold on to is gardening. My art is almost non-existant, my skin is un-inked do to basically starting out poor and never leaving that level, ever. ( dont see that changing anytime soon), my body is destroyed and the only direction I have to look forward to is down....I have to hang on to anything happy I possibly can. The happiness I can get from my pets, my gardening, my family, my fiance. I've lost everything else I ever was. I'm just a shell trying to eek my way to my deathbed without causing myself any extra pain along the way. Well, anyway. Doing this makeup gig helps. I feel a little more like myself. Like I'm grasping at the edges of some world that shot right past me, always out of reach. Somewhere I'll never really get to. I'm not sure if the resulting bitterness is worth it? Or should i grasp at anything I can? Like I'm eating up the creative crumbs of the universe, unable to really 'create' anymore. My spark is gone, my lights are dim, my hands are stilled. This is my life. I'll grasp where I can, to 'live', while I merely exhist.
So how has everyone been? Summer is on its way, and that means lots of endorphins from sex, sunshine, and increased activity. Gotta love the summer.
My last entry was about some sketching I've been doing for a Skyrim Modder, and it seems he's doing a few more armors from my sketches. It seems to be a good collaboration
and Its nice to see my ideas become useful and something others can enjoy. Not that I've been playing much skyrim lately (the crashing is getting to be too much! Gah!) because we've now been introduced to all three Mass Effect games. I've been watching Gabe play so much that my freakin dreams are in the questing format of Mass Effect 3. Even had an epic lesbian dream with Miranda. Sigh...
Besides that, we found a beautiful new nature park where we've been going on walks as much as possible. A nice healthy habit, which combined with my healthy smoothies and introduction of more fruits and veggies in our diet will hopefully help us lose weight and get healthier! Not to mention the exercise bike we're getting next week.....
And on the note of health, I made an appointment with my primary care doctor to see if she can take a look at my back. I've been feeling stiffness developing in my lower back, limiting movement and putting stress on my mid back which is doing all the "bending" work because of the immobility of the lower section. That, combined with my ever-curving neck that my chiropractor documented nicely and gave me a visual of what I'll look like in ten years after further degeneration, yay me. All this, and some strange eye pain symptoms that I didn't think to connect, might point to me inheriting my father's Akylosing Spondelitis, a form of Rhuemetoid Arthritis. Now, I have already inherited the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Endometriosis from my mother's side, and theres no telling if the EDS will make the AS act any differently with me. But, since there is no blood test for AS like there is for other types of rhuematoid arthritis, its time to start with the x-rays and other imaging to see if any inflammation or fusion can be seen. It can take up to 10 years though of symptom progression before anything can be visually seen and confirmed and diagnosed, and thus treated. So I'm not exactly hopeful that this upcoming appointment will be the key to me getting answers - I may have to wait years and years and will just have to keep my doctors aware of my concerns and keep checking with imaging every year or two. In the meantime, while I'm not sure, I can get preventative (as I can with a genetic disorder) with anti-inflammatories and keeping myself active, and focusing on posture as much as I can. I don't know if having AS will change my life that much, I already came to terms to what the Ehlers can and will do to me as I get older, and I've come to handle surprises better. My life will always be amount managing symptoms, and keeping track of progression and keeping close watch on risks. Nothing much will change. Females tend to get the milder symptoms of AS anyway, and I don't think my luck is bad enough to change THAT. And I already got the cane covered, the physical therapy covered, the doctors covered....I don't have much else to do but wait for X-Rays to confirm or deny. I'm not so indifferent about it to not care about finding out. Answers give me comfort, no matter what they are. Knowledge is power. So whatever is going on, I'm going to do whatever it takes to find out what the answers are. And proceed accordingly. I've learned how to deal with being the genetic cesspool of the family Anything bad in yer genes? Deanna's gonna get it! Woo! Hahaha. What I went through with the EDS has prepared me for almost anything else I could get though. I'm ok no matter what happens. I know how to take care of myself and my issues.
Besides that, we're going to start up the garden again. Backyard will be our edible garden, and frontyard will be our "pretty" garden. Our rock garden from last summer has survived beautifully, all the creeping thyme survived and thrived, and the others that seemed to "die" have fresh green and are growing back! And the other creeping plant, I forget the name, which didn't want to "creep" at all last summer, has FINALLY taken off and is weaving around all the beautiful rocks and flowering with its gorgeous little purple flowers and I'm so proud of it!!!! The real project for the front will be the raised bed area, we have to start from scratch there. But we're thinking of incorporating more rocks So we just need to think of what plants will compliment the house and the plants already in the front area. I adore gardening. I cannot wait to eat more fresh carrots and purple potatoes and cherry tomatoes! I hope we're able to do it cost effectively this summer. The financial situation is going downhill quickly for my family, and we can only do so much to help, being on the fixed income with disability. We're already paying them back for all the debt we've accrued from asking for help with kitten's vet bills, Gabe's wisdom teeth bills, and emergency trips to Washington. I don't know how much we can give extra until those are payed off. Its such a frustrating situation. I don't want to see them lose the house! Or their minds! The stress levels are just....bad, and getting worse. I can only pray things will get better and do what I can to help in the meantime.
Well, on a happier note, June 30th is me and Gabe's 5 year anniversary and I should be getting some "boudoir" photos taken for Gabe as a present And possibly an engagement photoshoot soon as well! I quite possibly saw the perfect ring today in the pawn shop (classy, I know 
) and we might be laying that away soon. Not only that, but I have a friend who actually wants to help with the wedding, and everything related to it! She actually wants to throw me a bridal shower!!!! I never thought I'd have a friend willing to do that! I kinda want to jump and dance and squee with happiness because of her. It looks like this might actually be HAPPENING SOON! It NEEDS TO!
Oh, I also posted pictures from the concert me and Gabe went to where we actually MET Jeff Loomis, and got a picture to prove it
Take a look if you want!
(also shows my new haircut, which I'm not sure if I like or not, some ways I love it, and some ways I seriously miss my long hair. I hope it grows back fast!!! I think this cut will look fabulous grown out!)
My last entry was about some sketching I've been doing for a Skyrim Modder, and it seems he's doing a few more armors from my sketches. It seems to be a good collaboration
and Its nice to see my ideas become useful and something others can enjoy. Not that I've been playing much skyrim lately (the crashing is getting to be too much! Gah!) because we've now been introduced to all three Mass Effect games. I've been watching Gabe play so much that my freakin dreams are in the questing format of Mass Effect 3. Even had an epic lesbian dream with Miranda. Sigh...Besides that, we found a beautiful new nature park where we've been going on walks as much as possible. A nice healthy habit, which combined with my healthy smoothies and introduction of more fruits and veggies in our diet will hopefully help us lose weight and get healthier! Not to mention the exercise bike we're getting next week.....
And on the note of health, I made an appointment with my primary care doctor to see if she can take a look at my back. I've been feeling stiffness developing in my lower back, limiting movement and putting stress on my mid back which is doing all the "bending" work because of the immobility of the lower section. That, combined with my ever-curving neck that my chiropractor documented nicely and gave me a visual of what I'll look like in ten years after further degeneration, yay me. All this, and some strange eye pain symptoms that I didn't think to connect, might point to me inheriting my father's Akylosing Spondelitis, a form of Rhuemetoid Arthritis. Now, I have already inherited the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and Endometriosis from my mother's side, and theres no telling if the EDS will make the AS act any differently with me. But, since there is no blood test for AS like there is for other types of rhuematoid arthritis, its time to start with the x-rays and other imaging to see if any inflammation or fusion can be seen. It can take up to 10 years though of symptom progression before anything can be visually seen and confirmed and diagnosed, and thus treated. So I'm not exactly hopeful that this upcoming appointment will be the key to me getting answers - I may have to wait years and years and will just have to keep my doctors aware of my concerns and keep checking with imaging every year or two. In the meantime, while I'm not sure, I can get preventative (as I can with a genetic disorder) with anti-inflammatories and keeping myself active, and focusing on posture as much as I can. I don't know if having AS will change my life that much, I already came to terms to what the Ehlers can and will do to me as I get older, and I've come to handle surprises better. My life will always be amount managing symptoms, and keeping track of progression and keeping close watch on risks. Nothing much will change. Females tend to get the milder symptoms of AS anyway, and I don't think my luck is bad enough to change THAT. And I already got the cane covered, the physical therapy covered, the doctors covered....I don't have much else to do but wait for X-Rays to confirm or deny. I'm not so indifferent about it to not care about finding out. Answers give me comfort, no matter what they are. Knowledge is power. So whatever is going on, I'm going to do whatever it takes to find out what the answers are. And proceed accordingly. I've learned how to deal with being the genetic cesspool of the family
Anything bad in yer genes? Deanna's gonna get it! Woo! Hahaha. What I went through with the EDS has prepared me for almost anything else I could get though. I'm ok no matter what happens. I know how to take care of myself and my issues.Besides that, we're going to start up the garden again. Backyard will be our edible garden, and frontyard will be our "pretty" garden. Our rock garden from last summer has survived beautifully, all the creeping thyme survived and thrived, and the others that seemed to "die" have fresh green and are growing back! And the other creeping plant, I forget the name, which didn't want to "creep" at all last summer, has FINALLY taken off and is weaving around all the beautiful rocks and flowering with its gorgeous little purple flowers and I'm so proud of it!!!! The real project for the front will be the raised bed area, we have to start from scratch there. But we're thinking of incorporating more rocks
So we just need to think of what plants will compliment the house and the plants already in the front area. I adore gardening. I cannot wait to eat more fresh carrots and purple potatoes and cherry tomatoes! I hope we're able to do it cost effectively this summer. The financial situation is going downhill quickly for my family, and we can only do so much to help, being on the fixed income with disability. We're already paying them back for all the debt we've accrued from asking for help with kitten's vet bills, Gabe's wisdom teeth bills, and emergency trips to Washington. I don't know how much we can give extra until those are payed off. Its such a frustrating situation. I don't want to see them lose the house! Or their minds! The stress levels are just....bad, and getting worse. I can only pray things will get better and do what I can to help in the meantime.Well, on a happier note, June 30th is me and Gabe's 5 year anniversary and I should be getting some "boudoir" photos taken for Gabe as a present
And possibly an engagement photoshoot soon as well! I quite possibly saw the perfect ring today in the pawn shop (classy, I know ) and we might be laying that away soon. Not only that, but I have a friend who actually wants to help with the wedding, and everything related to it! She actually wants to throw me a bridal shower!!!! I never thought I'd have a friend willing to do that! I kinda want to jump and dance and squee with happiness because of her. It looks like this might actually be HAPPENING SOON! It NEEDS TO!Oh, I also posted pictures from the concert me and Gabe went to where we actually MET Jeff Loomis, and got a picture to prove it
Take a look if you want!(also shows my new haircut, which I'm not sure if I like or not, some ways I love it, and some ways I seriously miss my long hair. I hope it grows back fast!!! I think this cut will look fabulous grown out!)
I cannot express how comfortable I am in my new jeans. This is kind of a stupid thing to blog about, but I don't care. I haven't had a comfortable pair of jeans since I was.......well......I never have. I have gotten hand-me-downs and friend cast-offs (not saying I'm not thankful of course) as my only source of pants for my entire life. I didn't even know what my size was! But I finally have two fucking great pairs of jeans that fit me like a glove and won't drive me crazy. I wont miss pulling my pants up every five seconds, or having my hips hurt worse because of ill-fitting pants, or having to wear longer shirts because the pants look funny or show crack when I bend over. NO MORE OF THAT! And I'm happy. (And I look great 
)
ALSO, I've been playing Skyrim like any good nerdette and was inspired to sketch a drawing of some leather and fur armor I could see on my character in the game. Heres the picture:
Well, since my fiance thought it was a good idea, I posted the picture in a forum on Skyrim Nexus, and explained that if anyone wanted to make a mod out of my idea, I would be....well....tickled. I never thought I would get so excited, but it became a big deal for me, and I was jumping for joy when I got a bite. Someone is actually MAKING MY ARMOR! He's releasing a beta tonight, and we're calling it "Leatherbound Huntress Armour" and I hope thats not lame but I like it. Here is what he's done so far:
He's still working on it. I wish I could use the Creation Kit and make it myself, or at least take this model and tweak it to my vision, but I'm not very program-savvy. I might figure it out someday....and then I'll make a ton more armors...... hehe.
Oh, and if anyone reads this and wants to try and make this armor too, pleaaaaaase do! I want to see what people can do with my idea!!!! Its just such an exciting prospect, being able to see my creation inside the game! I've been drawing fantasy type characters and armor and weapons and such since I was a little kid, and I always thought I'd illustrate books or something, then I just started doing other art and painting and kinda forgot about it......but playing these visually stunning games with the genre I've loved all my life.....its brought it all back. Sigh. I love it.
Oh, and did you know that if you fry up some onions and toss em in with some buttered green beans, it tastes JUST LIKE green bean casserole. Not even adding breading to the onions or any cream of mushroom soup. Just onions, butter, fry pan, and a can of green beans. I made that today. It was delicious. And cheap.
AND THOSE ARE THE REASONS WHY TODAY WAS AWESOME!
)ALSO, I've been playing Skyrim like any good nerdette and was inspired to sketch a drawing of some leather and fur armor I could see on my character in the game. Heres the picture:
Well, since my fiance thought it was a good idea, I posted the picture in a forum on Skyrim Nexus, and explained that if anyone wanted to make a mod out of my idea, I would be....well....tickled. I never thought I would get so excited, but it became a big deal for me, and I was jumping for joy when I got a bite. Someone is actually MAKING MY ARMOR! He's releasing a beta tonight, and we're calling it "Leatherbound Huntress Armour" and I hope thats not lame but I like it. Here is what he's done so far:
He's still working on it. I wish I could use the Creation Kit and make it myself, or at least take this model and tweak it to my vision, but I'm not very program-savvy. I might figure it out someday....and then I'll make a ton more armors...... hehe.
Oh, and if anyone reads this and wants to try and make this armor too, pleaaaaaase do! I want to see what people can do with my idea!!!! Its just such an exciting prospect, being able to see my creation inside the game! I've been drawing fantasy type characters and armor and weapons and such since I was a little kid, and I always thought I'd illustrate books or something, then I just started doing other art and painting and kinda forgot about it......but playing these visually stunning games with the genre I've loved all my life.....its brought it all back. Sigh. I love it.
Oh, and did you know that if you fry up some onions and toss em in with some buttered green beans, it tastes JUST LIKE green bean casserole. Not even adding breading to the onions or any cream of mushroom soup. Just onions, butter, fry pan, and a can of green beans. I made that today. It was delicious. And cheap.
AND THOSE ARE THE REASONS WHY TODAY WAS AWESOME!
IIIIIIII'M BAAAAAAAAAAACK not like anyone reads this but wooooooo I'm back! Time to catch up on all the sets I've missed.
I am so excited for holloween!!! Me and my friends are going to be gypsies together...and our outfits kick ass...I'm making my own gold coins...and our outfits are also all made by us and put together from things we already owned...we're cheap bastards but we're creative ones too. I need projects like this....my soul just eats it up...I feel infused with energy! We'll be giving tarot readings at the party and Aleah will be giving palm readings too...we'll have our table all set up. I hope everything goes as planned...this is gonna be fucking badass if it goes right But if not, just the fun of planning and creating it together these next few weeks will be totally worth it. Sigh....I feel good and I'll be posting pictures soon!
Heres one or two of our night last night, to show a small amount of the awesomeness of it.
But if not, just the fun of planning and creating it together these next few weeks will be totally worth it. Sigh....I feel good and I'll be posting pictures soon! Heres one or two of our night last night, to show a small amount of the awesomeness of it.
I am back! Back to Suicide Girls. Its been quite awhile, but I guess that gives me lots to do, catching up wise on the site. Sets to see, groups to re-visit.
I had my surgery in Febuary, and they found just what they thought they would find - Endometriosis. They removed what they could, left what they couldnt, and since the insurance didnt 'approve' the removal of my cyst and fibroids, those remain as well. I felt great after the surgery, but that only lasted a few months. My symptoms have returned, and my doctor wants me to wait two more months to see if they persist. October is my next appointment, and I'm not really looking forward to waiting that long. My next step after waiting, is either taking the Lupron hormone shot for 6 months, or more surgeries. Until then, its a process of elimination when it comes to potential causes for my symptoms. I'm on a no-dairy diet for a week at first, and then who knows what. My doctor wants to MAKE SURE that it is my endometriosis. Fun times. Its all just a big headache.
Besides that...well...I lost a friend, and had to go to court to get false charges off my name. She decided that stealing from me wasnt enough, she had to toss identity fraud in there too and get tickets in my name! I didnt have to pay them, and police are looking for her now. I'm just one more person on a long long list of people she's screwed over and used. I was her 'bed and breakfast', pharmacy, bank, and clothing store. Whatever she saw that I had, she took. And tried to fuck up my relationship with Gabe while she was at it! Now she gets all the hate she deserves, and cant run forever. She'll get caught someday. Then she'll get whats coming to her!
Anywho...thats just some of whats been going on since I last logged on. I hope everyones been well! I've finally been using the pool at our appartments, and not only been getting great physical therapy from it, but some decent excersize too, and I expect to be nice and fit by the end of summer...at least I hope. I'm at least semi-tan now, which is impressive for my pale-ass skin.
Oh, I put up some pictures from 4th of July with my friends down at the waterfront. Also some pictures from getting around to go to "Pride Prom" with the same friends. Heres my favorite from those!
Enjoy the sun folks! Keep cool, keep hydrated!
I had my surgery in Febuary, and they found just what they thought they would find - Endometriosis. They removed what they could, left what they couldnt, and since the insurance didnt 'approve' the removal of my cyst and fibroids, those remain as well. I felt great after the surgery, but that only lasted a few months. My symptoms have returned, and my doctor wants me to wait two more months to see if they persist. October is my next appointment, and I'm not really looking forward to waiting that long. My next step after waiting, is either taking the Lupron hormone shot for 6 months, or more surgeries. Until then, its a process of elimination when it comes to potential causes for my symptoms. I'm on a no-dairy diet for a week at first, and then who knows what. My doctor wants to MAKE SURE that it is my endometriosis. Fun times. Its all just a big headache.
Besides that...well...I lost a friend, and had to go to court to get false charges off my name. She decided that stealing from me wasnt enough, she had to toss identity fraud in there too and get tickets in my name! I didnt have to pay them, and police are looking for her now. I'm just one more person on a long long list of people she's screwed over and used. I was her 'bed and breakfast', pharmacy, bank, and clothing store. Whatever she saw that I had, she took. And tried to fuck up my relationship with Gabe while she was at it! Now she gets all the hate she deserves, and cant run forever. She'll get caught someday. Then she'll get whats coming to her!
Anywho...thats just some of whats been going on since I last logged on. I hope everyones been well! I've finally been using the pool at our appartments, and not only been getting great physical therapy from it, but some decent excersize too, and I expect to be nice and fit by the end of summer...at least I hope. I'm at least semi-tan now, which is impressive for my pale-ass skin.
Oh, I put up some pictures from 4th of July with my friends down at the waterfront. Also some pictures from getting around to go to "Pride Prom" with the same friends. Heres my favorite from those!
Enjoy the sun folks! Keep cool, keep hydrated!
ello folks
thought i'd write something new
i actually havent been on the site in a whlie. just got caught up in life stuff. and especially since it looks like it will really be a long time till i get a set going, i wasnt focusing on the site too much but here i am again, trying to forget about the fact i wont be on here for a long time coming but im admiring the beautiful ladies and their new sets i havent seen yet.
we're planning on painting the appartment, the maintenance guy said as long as we repaint it white when we move out, it wont be an issue. i got myself a stack of paint chips of the reds and greens and golds i want. the north and south walls are going to be a deep rich brick red, and then the east and west walls are going to be a really earthy olive green, something that will go well with the red. and then the bathroom will be a lovely bright but rich gold color.
also, the plants we planted in our little patch of dirt are growing, woohoo.
im working on a painting for gabe, seahawks logo with an interesting mix of the seahawks colors in the background. i love that im painting again,, and i love that he LOVES the painting anything for him!
really wanted to go to the alice in chains concert at the roseland in september, but fuck they're already sold out! and they're being sold on various sites for 99$ a peice versus the 25 bucks they were originally. maybe if i was amazingly lush with money, sure, but not on foodstamps and disability. fuck man!
anyone else know of something awesome going on in september? we're gonna try and get a bunch of friends together around that time anyway, since we invited a lot of gabe's friends from out of town and they're gonna try and still come down and stay with us for that weekend.
ahh fri ends....im so glad i have friends these days. i've reconnected with some old friends and met some new ones and its so refreshing having non-drama happy times with good people i can relate to. and theyre just as good friends to me as they are to gabe. this is how things should be.
keep cool this summer kids !
god this weekend is suppose to be hot as hell. thank god we have a pool here at the complex
now i need a makeshift swimming suit since i dont really have a normal one.
also, new good medication, considering a faulty fucking test fucked me over and forced me to get a new doctor. the lab bitch dropped my cup, handed me a new one and no i didnt think to read the name on it but next day i get a call saying it showed i had nothing in my system whatsoever? which is bulshit. i had taken a dose of my meds that fucking night and it didnt show up? yeah. bullshit. so anyway, new doc, new meds, new start. just another game to play in this fucking circus of doctorhell.
anyway, gonna take off. thanks for reading i'll be on here more i promise.
thought i'd write something new
i actually havent been on the site in a whlie. just got caught up in life stuff. and especially since it looks like it will really be a long time till i get a set going, i wasnt focusing on the site too much but here i am again, trying to forget about the fact i wont be on here for a long time coming but im admiring the beautiful ladies and their new sets i havent seen yet.
we're planning on painting the appartment, the maintenance guy said as long as we repaint it white when we move out, it wont be an issue. i got myself a stack of paint chips of the reds and greens and golds i want. the north and south walls are going to be a deep rich brick red, and then the east and west walls are going to be a really earthy olive green, something that will go well with the red. and then the bathroom will be a lovely bright but rich gold color.
also, the plants we planted in our little patch of dirt are growing, woohoo.
im working on a painting for gabe, seahawks logo with an interesting mix of the seahawks colors in the background. i love that im painting again,, and i love that he LOVES the painting
anything for him!really wanted to go to the alice in chains concert at the roseland in september, but fuck they're already sold out! and they're being sold on various sites for 99$ a peice versus the 25 bucks they were originally. maybe if i was amazingly lush with money, sure, but not on foodstamps and disability. fuck man!
anyone else know of something awesome going on in september? we're gonna try and get a bunch of friends together around that time anyway, since we invited a lot of gabe's friends from out of town and they're gonna try and still come down and stay with us for that weekend.
ahh fri ends....im so glad i have friends these days. i've reconnected with some old friends and met some new ones and its so refreshing having non-drama happy times with good people i can relate to. and theyre just as good friends to me as they are to gabe. this is how things should be.
keep cool this summer kids !
god this weekend is suppose to be hot as hell. thank god we have a pool here at the complex
now i need a makeshift swimming suit since i dont really have a normal one.
also, new good medication, considering a faulty fucking test fucked me over and forced me to get a new doctor. the lab bitch dropped my cup, handed me a new one and no i didnt think to read the name on it but next day i get a call saying it showed i had nothing in my system whatsoever? which is bulshit. i had taken a dose of my meds that fucking night and it didnt show up? yeah. bullshit. so anyway, new doc, new meds, new start. just another game to play in this fucking circus of doctorhell.
anyway, gonna take off. thanks for reading
i'll be on here more i promise.ugh.....
on days like this where im sick and feel like shit, i look at the SG sets and just wish i looked as beautiful as you girls. looking at your sets make me smile, but also make me look in the mirror and just.......groan.
im gonna go take a shower and hide in a hole now.
keep being beautiful ladies
bah.
on days like this where im sick and feel like shit, i look at the SG sets and just wish i looked as beautiful as you girls. looking at your sets make me smile, but also make me look in the mirror and just.......groan.
im gonna go take a shower and hide in a hole now.
keep being beautiful ladies
bah.
Ahhhh so much craziness!
Lets see if i can remember everything thats happened since i last updated?
Well, theres the medical stuff, thats what stands out most on my mind, and the most recent.
So, me and gabe have our pain management, right? and we're on opiates, its only pill type of pain releif thats worked, ever. we've tried anti-inflammitories, anti seizure meds which are meant for nerve pain, anti depressants and anti anxiety meds and synthetic this and that and all kinds of shit, then the usual TENS unit and fentanyl patches and then various other patches and creames and hot and cold packs and many things i dont remember the names of. Theres still some stuff on the table left to try, im sure, i've even found one that im going to seek out for my nerve pain, electrostimulation of the nerve root for the various nerves that are being compressed by my frequently subluxing vertebre. Actually, some of the good news health wise is that I found out about my nerve pain in general and found out about that treatment! I have an appointment on monday for my primary care physician to get a referal to an anesthesiologist pain doctor who might be able to do the procedure. I found out the type of nerve pain is called "Radicular Nerve pain", where one or more (in my case many, due to the nature of my condition) nerves along my spine are being irritated, pinched, compressed, or in some way damaged by either an injury of some sort to the spine or in my case, subluxing and dislocating vertebre along the spine. The most common form is when one nerve is pinched on the lower part of the spine and its the sciatic nerve, it has its own very popular name, Sciatica. I would say I have sciatica since that nerve is effected but whats the use when it effects so many other nerves in many other areas of my spine? So Radicular nerve pain it is.
Anyway, back to the other medical things, in this case involving my fiance!! My darlin has been through so much the past month or so. He had a minor surgery on his toe, and ended up using up is pain medication faster that month because of htat, plus an ongoing tolerance he'd been building to the medication. Not knowing what to do, and wanting to do the right thing, and suffering from horrific opiate withdrawls, we spent the entirety of a day, from early into the morning until late the evening, calling every number we could for help. We called the pain management center to tell them everything and ask what to do, and basically got told that they were going to drop his treatment plan and only give him one more appointment, and no more meds. And since we wanted to get gabe safely detox'ed from the meds and off them for a litlte while so when he takes them again they are more effective while taking less than before, we needed an inpatient detox center. But apparently not ONE place in the state of Oregon accepts his insurance, medicaid/medicare/Oregon health plan. The only options were in Washington! WE HAVE NO CAR! no way to get to any place like that.SO, feeling absolutely hopeless and at our wits end, we go to the Emergency room, which we were not looking forward to since we go there so much already they've ran out of ways to help us!!! and trust me, theres enough jerks that work there that sometimes its not worth a trip. Anyway, we go there, NOT asking for pain meds but for something to help the withdrawls that would just last him the next couple of days. Well, the doctors were amazingly nice and even though we told them we wanted to detox off the meds they said its stupid that the pain management center isnt working with us and is making us detox when obviously Gabe has a chronic pain issue that isnt going to go away but instead get WORSE over time!!! So, we took the precriptions and they sent us on our way, and things were looking up.....but then we had no money for copays, i borrow some money from my sister, just five bucks was all we needed, then its all the drama of trying to get to the pharmacy before it closes without havin a car and then my cellphone dies and such and so forth.......aaaaaaaaagh......but we make it there ok and my father brings over the money and things are looking up again.......and BOOM. slap in the face. the insurance denies the prescriptions, so the only way to pay for them is completley out of pocket, and the first script is 187 dollars, the other is 94. WE COULDNT EVEN AFFORD 5 BUCKS! so the day ends on a shitty note, we're left back at square one. Not only that, but when we get home, gabe's toe that had surgery done 2 weeks back was BADLY infected and turning black on the tip and hurting worse than ever. AGH! SO barely surviving the night we wake up brainstorming again. I figure out a way to get some money i know we could pay back (our checks were coming just the next week, but we needed the pills IMMEDIATELY!) and we were able to get the cheaper prescription, and after that and seeing gabe's toe even WORSE, we decided to make our SECOND trip to the ER. Especially since the podiatrist that did the surgery wasnt calling back when i called to ask about possibly getting some antibiotics to fight the infection for gabes toe. Anyway, the ER visit goes well, they slice his toe open (it had abessed on the inside where the black spot was) and drained it, got him two types of antibiotics and bandaged him up. They stuck some gauze IN the toe, it was weird looking, came out a few days later. Gabe had to stay off his feet for 2-3 days, and i changed the bandages. And then that monday, we saw the pain management, and explained everything and they said that they would talk to the head guy of the practice to see what he thinks, and on tuesday, we got the call saying that if Gabe goes to physical therapy, counseling, and comes in every week and brings the pills, that they would continue his treatment, but with less meds. sigh, small victory! those terms are easy cheesy. The PT and counselor were things Gabe already planned on doing, and we can come in every week easy, we have nothing to hide they can count anything they want! SO thats good now. Then Tuesday he saw his podiatrist and he gave him some ointment to put on the toe and such and so forth and it seems to be healing nicely. Poor gabe, the curculation from the toe being perminately dislocated and the lymphodema in his legs just made him SO prone to infection! Now we just gotta keep on eye on it!
I made an appointment with the podiatrist too, im just not so sure it will do much good. I know theres nothing they can do, but I would just like to hear what he has to say. My pinkie toe is disformed from the EDS, i have problems with the tendons in my ankles and dislocations of my toes which are perminently curled, plus the nerve pain and other pains in my feet, and how im slowly losing my arch, and i have bad circulation issues as well and swelling. but what can he do about it? i dont know, i dont want to waste his time. i feel stupid for making the appointment. We'll just see how it goes.
just a lot happening in a short amount of time. and now the appointments are really going to be piled up, between my psychologist, gabe''s psychologist, our podiatrist, regular doctor, pain management, physical therapy, and eventually the neurologist or neurosurgion gabe needs to see, and the pain doc i'll need to see, and gastrointerologist and hell, probably even the dentist.
shooooot meeeeeee.
we have no social life.
plus we need new friends. sigh
OH! well we went camping. i think that happened after the last blog i posted? if i already talked about it im sorry i cant keep track of anything. But yeah, camping=fun. horning's hideout kicks ass. i have pictures up. woots
img]/media/members/8/03/393038/177041/2774938_attach.jpg[/img]
anywho, enjoy the weekend everyone whenever that comes
Lets see if i can remember everything thats happened since i last updated?
Well, theres the medical stuff, thats what stands out most on my mind, and the most recent.
So, me and gabe have our pain management, right? and we're on opiates, its only pill type of pain releif thats worked, ever. we've tried anti-inflammitories, anti seizure meds which are meant for nerve pain, anti depressants and anti anxiety meds and synthetic this and that and all kinds of shit, then the usual TENS unit and fentanyl patches and then various other patches and creames and hot and cold packs and many things i dont remember the names of. Theres still some stuff on the table left to try, im sure, i've even found one that im going to seek out for my nerve pain, electrostimulation of the nerve root for the various nerves that are being compressed by my frequently subluxing vertebre. Actually, some of the good news health wise is that I found out about my nerve pain in general and found out about that treatment! I have an appointment on monday for my primary care physician to get a referal to an anesthesiologist pain doctor who might be able to do the procedure. I found out the type of nerve pain is called "Radicular Nerve pain", where one or more (in my case many, due to the nature of my condition) nerves along my spine are being irritated, pinched, compressed, or in some way damaged by either an injury of some sort to the spine or in my case, subluxing and dislocating vertebre along the spine. The most common form is when one nerve is pinched on the lower part of the spine and its the sciatic nerve, it has its own very popular name, Sciatica. I would say I have sciatica since that nerve is effected but whats the use when it effects so many other nerves in many other areas of my spine? So Radicular nerve pain it is.
Anyway, back to the other medical things, in this case involving my fiance!! My darlin has been through so much the past month or so. He had a minor surgery on his toe, and ended up using up is pain medication faster that month because of htat, plus an ongoing tolerance he'd been building to the medication. Not knowing what to do, and wanting to do the right thing, and suffering from horrific opiate withdrawls, we spent the entirety of a day, from early into the morning until late the evening, calling every number we could for help. We called the pain management center to tell them everything and ask what to do, and basically got told that they were going to drop his treatment plan and only give him one more appointment, and no more meds. And since we wanted to get gabe safely detox'ed from the meds and off them for a litlte while so when he takes them again they are more effective while taking less than before, we needed an inpatient detox center. But apparently not ONE place in the state of Oregon accepts his insurance, medicaid/medicare/Oregon health plan. The only options were in Washington! WE HAVE NO CAR! no way to get to any place like that.SO, feeling absolutely hopeless and at our wits end, we go to the Emergency room, which we were not looking forward to since we go there so much already they've ran out of ways to help us!!! and trust me, theres enough jerks that work there that sometimes its not worth a trip. Anyway, we go there, NOT asking for pain meds but for something to help the withdrawls that would just last him the next couple of days. Well, the doctors were amazingly nice and even though we told them we wanted to detox off the meds they said its stupid that the pain management center isnt working with us and is making us detox when obviously Gabe has a chronic pain issue that isnt going to go away but instead get WORSE over time!!! So, we took the precriptions and they sent us on our way, and things were looking up.....but then we had no money for copays, i borrow some money from my sister, just five bucks was all we needed, then its all the drama of trying to get to the pharmacy before it closes without havin a car and then my cellphone dies and such and so forth.......aaaaaaaaagh......but we make it there ok and my father brings over the money and things are looking up again.......and BOOM. slap in the face. the insurance denies the prescriptions, so the only way to pay for them is completley out of pocket, and the first script is 187 dollars, the other is 94. WE COULDNT EVEN AFFORD 5 BUCKS! so the day ends on a shitty note, we're left back at square one. Not only that, but when we get home, gabe's toe that had surgery done 2 weeks back was BADLY infected and turning black on the tip and hurting worse than ever. AGH! SO barely surviving the night we wake up brainstorming again. I figure out a way to get some money i know we could pay back (our checks were coming just the next week, but we needed the pills IMMEDIATELY!) and we were able to get the cheaper prescription, and after that and seeing gabe's toe even WORSE, we decided to make our SECOND trip to the ER. Especially since the podiatrist that did the surgery wasnt calling back when i called to ask about possibly getting some antibiotics to fight the infection for gabes toe. Anyway, the ER visit goes well, they slice his toe open (it had abessed on the inside where the black spot was) and drained it, got him two types of antibiotics and bandaged him up. They stuck some gauze IN the toe, it was weird looking, came out a few days later. Gabe had to stay off his feet for 2-3 days, and i changed the bandages. And then that monday, we saw the pain management, and explained everything and they said that they would talk to the head guy of the practice to see what he thinks, and on tuesday, we got the call saying that if Gabe goes to physical therapy, counseling, and comes in every week and brings the pills, that they would continue his treatment, but with less meds. sigh, small victory! those terms are easy cheesy. The PT and counselor were things Gabe already planned on doing, and we can come in every week easy, we have nothing to hide they can count anything they want! SO thats good now. Then Tuesday he saw his podiatrist and he gave him some ointment to put on the toe and such and so forth and it seems to be healing nicely. Poor gabe, the curculation from the toe being perminately dislocated and the lymphodema in his legs just made him SO prone to infection! Now we just gotta keep on eye on it!
I made an appointment with the podiatrist too, im just not so sure it will do much good. I know theres nothing they can do, but I would just like to hear what he has to say. My pinkie toe is disformed from the EDS, i have problems with the tendons in my ankles and dislocations of my toes which are perminently curled, plus the nerve pain and other pains in my feet, and how im slowly losing my arch, and i have bad circulation issues as well and swelling. but what can he do about it? i dont know, i dont want to waste his time. i feel stupid for making the appointment. We'll just see how it goes.
just a lot happening in a short amount of time. and now the appointments are really going to be piled up, between my psychologist, gabe''s psychologist, our podiatrist, regular doctor, pain management, physical therapy, and eventually the neurologist or neurosurgion gabe needs to see, and the pain doc i'll need to see, and gastrointerologist and hell, probably even the dentist.
shooooot meeeeeee.
we have no social life.
plus we need new friends. sigh
OH! well we went camping. i think that happened after the last blog i posted? if i already talked about it im sorry
i cant keep track of anything. But yeah, camping=fun. horning's hideout kicks ass. i have pictures up. wootsimg]/media/members/8/03/393038/177041/2774938_attach.jpg[/img]
anywho, enjoy the weekend everyone
whenever that comes 
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