I'm wondering if it would be worth it to start an Ultimate Frisbee group. Especially now there there is Major League ultimate. Strange that I can't find one that exists already since it's so popular in the US college scene. I don't really want to moderate a group though.
It's amazing how much better new clothes can make me feel. Went shopping on the weekend with a friend and let her pick out clothes for me to try on, then throw out all the old shit in my closet that doesn't fit me anymore. Also a very good feeling, since it is all too big.
It's also amazing how much guilt I can feel about buying an expensive pair of Bose earbuds. But since I keep going through them so quickly, it was time to invest and see if it actually makes a difference. Whatever. As long as hours worked to earn the cash required to buy them is less than the hours of use I get out of them, I guess I'm ahead of the game. Just hope I don't lose them on the bus while drunk some night or something.
It's amazing how much better new clothes can make me feel. Went shopping on the weekend with a friend and let her pick out clothes for me to try on, then throw out all the old shit in my closet that doesn't fit me anymore. Also a very good feeling, since it is all too big.
It's also amazing how much guilt I can feel about buying an expensive pair of Bose earbuds. But since I keep going through them so quickly, it was time to invest and see if it actually makes a difference. Whatever. As long as hours worked to earn the cash required to buy them is less than the hours of use I get out of them, I guess I'm ahead of the game. Just hope I don't lose them on the bus while drunk some night or something.
You ever get so lost in a daydream that you suddenly can't focus on anything else at all? I have so much work I should be doing, but I can't stop thinking about doing other things? Well one particular thing, but it's kind of embarassing to admit. Just wish I could focus.
Well fuck. So much for that little romance. Trying not to let myself be too hurt. I knew this was a possibility from the beginning. I said I was ok with it. I just didn't think it would come around like a suckerpunch. Right now I wish I could just set myself in movie montage mode and skip to like 6 weeks in the future where I'm magically a healthier, musclier, happier, not-givin-afuck-ier version of me.The reality however, is that it's 6am and I've been awake for nearly 24 hours, and don't want to get in to that bed alone. At least not until I can wash the smell of her out of it. But it's too early and too quiet for laundry. So here I am, trying to decide what song I'd like to be playing during my revitalizing montage.
Just another "Can't sleep so I think I'll stay up, do some work and watch Jason Statham Movies" night.
This video, filmed by RoadieShow, that Luxlee posted today absolutely kills me. Those eyes.....*UNF*.
I would so love to shoot something like this. I can already picture it in my head. I've already been obsessed with watching amateur film making videos on YouTube all day instead of getting work done. I even took a few test shots for an idea I have while Bru and I were out for a walk last Friday. Really, the only thing left to do is to do it. But as in all things, I'm big on the thinking and the dreaming, and not so much on the doing.
I would so love to shoot something like this. I can already picture it in my head. I've already been obsessed with watching amateur film making videos on YouTube all day instead of getting work done. I even took a few test shots for an idea I have while Bru and I were out for a walk last Friday. Really, the only thing left to do is to do it. But as in all things, I'm big on the thinking and the dreaming, and not so much on the doing.
I had an awkward conversation with my ex on Facebook chat just now. she repeatedly told me how much her family misses me. Not how much she misses me. I understand that, I guess. I didn't want to say that I missed her either, lest it turn in to some grand misunderstanding about wanting to rekindle. Those ashes are cold. We were more of a smudge than a bonfire. Lots of smoke, not a lot of heat.
I started to remember what heat can be like this past weekend though. Feeling intensity and excitement at the mere prospect of being near someone. We're not good for each other in the long run, this new girl and I. Our age gap is wider than anything I'd have previously before considered, but there's something about her. She's anxious and kinda...I want to say damaged but that seems mean-spirited and I don't intend it that way. She's also beautiful, sensual, and just the right amount of dirty. And unexpectedly passionate. Sometimes she just radiates and it's amazing. Like the sun coming through clouds.
I'm not going to be able to keep her though. I'm a distraction, and I know it. I just have to find a way to let myself enjoy it while I can. Looking at the empty wine bottles still on the counter helps. And the pieces of the bed frame we broke. David Sedaris might too, but I feel ridiculous reading aloud to myself and my dog doesn't giggle in the right spots.
Those things make me smile, but then comes the nagging fear that there isn't going to be a next time, and regret that I didn't do as well as I'd hoped memorizing that constellation of freckles on her back.
I started to remember what heat can be like this past weekend though. Feeling intensity and excitement at the mere prospect of being near someone. We're not good for each other in the long run, this new girl and I. Our age gap is wider than anything I'd have previously before considered, but there's something about her. She's anxious and kinda...I want to say damaged but that seems mean-spirited and I don't intend it that way. She's also beautiful, sensual, and just the right amount of dirty. And unexpectedly passionate. Sometimes she just radiates and it's amazing. Like the sun coming through clouds.
I'm not going to be able to keep her though. I'm a distraction, and I know it. I just have to find a way to let myself enjoy it while I can. Looking at the empty wine bottles still on the counter helps. And the pieces of the bed frame we broke. David Sedaris might too, but I feel ridiculous reading aloud to myself and my dog doesn't giggle in the right spots.
Those things make me smile, but then comes the nagging fear that there isn't going to be a next time, and regret that I didn't do as well as I'd hoped memorizing that constellation of freckles on her back.
Fuck you brain and fuck you body. I don't understand why I haven't been able to sleep tonight. I should be exhausted and should have passed right out. Not only did I do the earlier mentioned run, but I then went and played another game of ultimate, and when I came home, I took Bru for another run. My right knee is swollen as fuck right now, and I've been tossing and turning all night. Regretting not going to that "Singles Awareness Day/Cupid is a Jerk" party at the pub now. Sure i'd likely have ended up smashed and possibly drunk dialing someone, but that would beat keeping my own sober company right now.
Pretty sure Bruiser and I just ruined someone's marriage proposal.
Started to have some feelings this afternoon and couldn't focus on work, so I decided to burn it out with a run. Did the usual loop and it didn't feel like enough, so we ran to the off-leash park, and I did laps while he socialized. Rather the opposite of our usual dog park visits. Ran until I couldn't do anything but think about keeping up my pace and couldn't imagine that I'd be able to run all the way home again. Did it anyway. No idea how far it was or for how long I was gone. Didn't care enough to track it today. Whatever 3 times through Explosions in the Sky's All of a Sudden I miss everyone album works out to, give or take 10 minutes. That's how long.
Anyway, at one point we're flying through the trails on the edge of the UVic campus where I had to put him back on leash. We go down the same steps we've gone down dozens of times into this nice clearing with a set of stairs going up the far side, and Bru decides that this time, he 's going to run around a different side of the tree at the bottom that I am. The trail's half mud from the rain last night and this morning. I slide sideways trying to stop and throw the leash from hand to hand around the tree, and may have uttered a curse word or two quite loudly. Into the air, not at Bru.
Pleased that neither of us was jerked to a halt by the leash (Bru didn't even break stride), I turned to get back on course and see that we're not alone in the clearing. There's a young couple there, staring at us wide-eyed. The man was half crouched, so I think he might have been on his way down to one knee. I just looked away, focused on getting to the stairs back up, and tried not to slip in the mud. At that moment, I suddenly get to the end of the leash, and am snapped half around to see that I'm getting a dirty look from Bru for yanking him back into action and now allowing him to stop for his usual drink out of the creek. Such creatures of habit, Bru and I.
Started to have some feelings this afternoon and couldn't focus on work, so I decided to burn it out with a run. Did the usual loop and it didn't feel like enough, so we ran to the off-leash park, and I did laps while he socialized. Rather the opposite of our usual dog park visits. Ran until I couldn't do anything but think about keeping up my pace and couldn't imagine that I'd be able to run all the way home again. Did it anyway. No idea how far it was or for how long I was gone. Didn't care enough to track it today. Whatever 3 times through Explosions in the Sky's All of a Sudden I miss everyone album works out to, give or take 10 minutes. That's how long.
Anyway, at one point we're flying through the trails on the edge of the UVic campus where I had to put him back on leash. We go down the same steps we've gone down dozens of times into this nice clearing with a set of stairs going up the far side, and Bru decides that this time, he 's going to run around a different side of the tree at the bottom that I am. The trail's half mud from the rain last night and this morning. I slide sideways trying to stop and throw the leash from hand to hand around the tree, and may have uttered a curse word or two quite loudly. Into the air, not at Bru.
Pleased that neither of us was jerked to a halt by the leash (Bru didn't even break stride), I turned to get back on course and see that we're not alone in the clearing. There's a young couple there, staring at us wide-eyed. The man was half crouched, so I think he might have been on his way down to one knee. I just looked away, focused on getting to the stairs back up, and tried not to slip in the mud. At that moment, I suddenly get to the end of the leash, and am snapped half around to see that I'm getting a dirty look from Bru for yanking him back into action and now allowing him to stop for his usual drink out of the creek. Such creatures of habit, Bru and I.
I played ultimate last night. I probably shouldn't have, but god I miss it so much. I only played four points, and I layed out three times. Twice on my bad side. My shoulder is feeling less than stellar today. Poor decision making. But the fact that I forget about consequences when I'm on the field is the entire reason I play. I've played all kinds of other sports, and besides wrestling, there just aren't any sports that make me feel the same way. I forget the rest of the world. All I can see is that disc. sometimes it even happens on the sidelines. I walk away from conversations I'm having with people so I can communicate with players on the field. It just consumes me.
It also felt great just to see my team mates again. I'm so lucky to have been connected to such great people. I feel really bad that I've avoided them for so long. I don't know why I've been doing that. Yes, it's hard to go and just stand on the sidelines, but I'm completely squandering the opportunity to make deeper connection to people that I share an interest with. Going for drinks with a few of them after the game reminded me of that. It felt so good to be laughing and making other people laugh.
Last night was not good for my body, but so, so good for my soul.
It also felt great just to see my team mates again. I'm so lucky to have been connected to such great people. I feel really bad that I've avoided them for so long. I don't know why I've been doing that. Yes, it's hard to go and just stand on the sidelines, but I'm completely squandering the opportunity to make deeper connection to people that I share an interest with. Going for drinks with a few of them after the game reminded me of that. It felt so good to be laughing and making other people laugh.
Last night was not good for my body, but so, so good for my soul.
I find that I'm having trouble contributing on this site. I read through the comments and there's a certain way of talking to these beautiful women that I just can't imagine. There are ways to appreciate what you're seeing without resorting to the kind of language I'm seeing everywhere. Even if the people on the receiving end of such comments aren't bothered by them, I am, and I feel like the second I add a comment of my own, I'm contributing to it, regardless of the content of my own post.
The boards and the groups don't actually seem built to foster community. It's all games and one liners that no one reads before contributing their own little bit. Sticky threads from 6 years ago that no one is contributing to.
Maybe I'm just too fucking judgmental. Probably that.
The boards and the groups don't actually seem built to foster community. It's all games and one liners that no one reads before contributing their own little bit. Sticky threads from 6 years ago that no one is contributing to.
Maybe I'm just too fucking judgmental. Probably that.
