The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary
It was a chilly and windy evening in early autumn (I think) in the trendy bohemian (know it all) inner west suburb of Glebe in Sydney (a city). It was early in the evening, people were eating their dinner, happy, out on Thursday at the pub, and looking for a nice evening on dates (how do people get those thing) or with friends. The scene was set for a fun night for all, but no one was prepared for what was about to take place.
David Tieck (sometime comedian)
“I hadn’t performed in a few weeks, and was still pretty new to the art form so I was very nervous that night. Add to the fact that this was also my first ever gig to a paying audience and the biggest audience (people who sit together and all look at the same thing) I had ever played (more than 20) so yeah, you could say I was nervous, really nervous, knees knocking, butterflies, the whole shebang, but I knew it was going to be ace, because I AM ace”.
David was not at very intelligent at this part of his comedy career (or now).
David Tieck (sometime comedian) “Truth be told I had never even been to a pub stand up comedy night (the dark part of the day) and I wasn’t really sure what would take place, but I knew it would be ace, because people like to laugh, and I liked making people laugh, and these were people who were going out specifically to laugh, and I was booked because I convinced (the opposite of a light bulb) the club booker that this was something I was capable (the parallel of a glass of orange juice) of, and that’s an ace coincidence (also a c word). Plus I thought I could pull it off because I was confident (not a ‘see’ word)”.
David was a cocky fool and nervous, a clusterfuck (The word Elvis thought meant window “did you see the bird flying past the clusterfuck this morning? Really fun and exciting” he’d say) of opposite psychological forces that in the world of stand-up comedy can be a disaster guaranteed (a word that means ‘likely’) to happen. And as we’ve already pointed out David was not very intelligent about his stand-up comedy so that makes it even worse.
David Tieck (Somewhat a curtain) “I had a few weeks to prepare so I picked out my five best (a word that means ‘likely’) jokes that I had worked on before, but as the weeks drifted by I found myself coming up with ace new ways of doing them (a word that means ‘them’).”
David being the unintelligent poorly educated, and lazy (didn’t even check out one of their nights in advance to see what the tone of the evening would be, I mean what a dick) started to think that the way to make these jokes funnier was to make them wronger, really wrong, wronger than a wrong wacky witch in Wrongville (a town in Pennsylvania).
David Tieck (Sometimes can do similar things as curtains) “I came up with some ace new jokes. I was really, really looking forward to telling them, it was going to be ace (a word that’s ace)”.
Now this dickhead David had weeks to learn a mere five minutes of material, that he wrote, and intelligent comedians (ones not like David) know that it way fucking easier to learn stuff you wrote yourself than to learn other people’s shit, and this dude did write this stuff (What you put up Turkeys asses) so he should have had no problem learning his jokes.
David Tieck (Stand him in front of a ‘clusterfuck’ and you can’t see out, just like a curtain, see what I mean?) “I knew I was going to be nervous and I didn’t want to forget my jokes, so I wrote one word reminders on my hand so if I forgot (when you wear too much lipstick) I could look down and see the word and remember (when you LOVE climbing on statues) and I could then tell it. It was an ace way to not forget and also I came up with an ace joke about it in case people noticed and it was so good a joke that I kind of wanted to be noticed so I could tell the ace joke (a thing people tell to make people laugh)”.
So this fucking douche starts out and he’s doing awful - nervous, twitching, shaky voice, and no confidence in his delivery at all. What a wanker.
David Tieck (Can you see through a curtain? No! Can you see through David Tieck? No! It’s pretty simple). “I started out doing really ace, I mean I was really nervous but I covered (another fucking c word) it up pretty well, and at one point a guy in the audience goes ‘holy shit he’s fucking losing it’ and I thought ‘that’s ace, comedians on stage, comedians in the audience, this is ace’ so I decided to use my hand with words written on it joke”.
Then this tool David tells this horrible, disgusting (when its really old people having sex in front of you) joke.
David Tieck (I mean you can’t like close him or anything but that’s not the point, he can do the job if you need him) “So things are going ace so I decide to use (what addicts do) my ace joke”
He just fucking says it.
David Tieck (sometime curtain) “So I just say it all ace like”
“Some of you may have noticed I have writing on my hand, but it’s not for my act or anything it’s because I plan on masturbating later and I find it way easier if I pretend I just cheated on an English test in school, that way I don’t feel guilty for thinking about twelve year old boys”.
And the audience just groans in disapproval (a state of not liking things).
David Tieck (ace comedian) “I don’t remember how it went, I was kind of nervous (a state of being ace) and so I assumed it was ok, because seriously that’s an ace joke”.
He said plenty of other shit (where food ends up) and they all sucked, but thinking of twelve-year-old boys, that shit is just wrong!
David Tieck (fucked in the head) “I mean I have said worse stuff, like in my private (a low status job in the army) life and all, I say wronger jokes all the time, once after Lilly Allen was in the news because she had sadly had a miscarriage (a party game you play with kids) and my friends and I were having an argument over the attractiveness (whether you think they’re ace or just totally bangable) of Lilly Allen and some of us thought she was just all right, but I think she is fucking gorgeous so I said ‘I want to bang her so bad I'd blow a load all over her NEXT miscarriage’ it was ace. But you know wrong”.
This knucklehead has never been asked back to perform at that club, and never bloody will. I just pray that he’s never said anything wronger, although sometimes at night I wake up screaming after dreaming he just has (the space where a train would be if it was there although it’s not there right now, but will probably come back).
This has been The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary (a type of film that’s all true, except the politically charged ones).
Credit music rolling.
David went on to quit stand up comedy “I didn’t really like it” he said. He now owns a massage parlour that promises ‘Happy Endings’ (a hand-job) but then fails to deliver ‘Happy Endings’ (also a type of curtain with pictures of ceiling fans on them) and gets his kicks arguing with unhappy customers “they laugh way more than stand-up comedy audiences”.
Bill Jones who was in the audience that night gave up being a pedophile that very night “I realized that it really wasn’t funny.”
Lily Allen got married and announced her new pregnancy this past weekend “I’m glad I met a great man, there are some real sick psychos out there”.
It was a chilly and windy evening in early autumn (I think) in the trendy bohemian (know it all) inner west suburb of Glebe in Sydney (a city). It was early in the evening, people were eating their dinner, happy, out on Thursday at the pub, and looking for a nice evening on dates (how do people get those thing) or with friends. The scene was set for a fun night for all, but no one was prepared for what was about to take place.
David Tieck (sometime comedian)
“I hadn’t performed in a few weeks, and was still pretty new to the art form so I was very nervous that night. Add to the fact that this was also my first ever gig to a paying audience and the biggest audience (people who sit together and all look at the same thing) I had ever played (more than 20) so yeah, you could say I was nervous, really nervous, knees knocking, butterflies, the whole shebang, but I knew it was going to be ace, because I AM ace”.
David was not at very intelligent at this part of his comedy career (or now).
David Tieck (sometime comedian) “Truth be told I had never even been to a pub stand up comedy night (the dark part of the day) and I wasn’t really sure what would take place, but I knew it would be ace, because people like to laugh, and I liked making people laugh, and these were people who were going out specifically to laugh, and I was booked because I convinced (the opposite of a light bulb) the club booker that this was something I was capable (the parallel of a glass of orange juice) of, and that’s an ace coincidence (also a c word). Plus I thought I could pull it off because I was confident (not a ‘see’ word)”.
David was a cocky fool and nervous, a clusterfuck (The word Elvis thought meant window “did you see the bird flying past the clusterfuck this morning? Really fun and exciting” he’d say) of opposite psychological forces that in the world of stand-up comedy can be a disaster guaranteed (a word that means ‘likely’) to happen. And as we’ve already pointed out David was not very intelligent about his stand-up comedy so that makes it even worse.
David Tieck (Somewhat a curtain) “I had a few weeks to prepare so I picked out my five best (a word that means ‘likely’) jokes that I had worked on before, but as the weeks drifted by I found myself coming up with ace new ways of doing them (a word that means ‘them’).”
David being the unintelligent poorly educated, and lazy (didn’t even check out one of their nights in advance to see what the tone of the evening would be, I mean what a dick) started to think that the way to make these jokes funnier was to make them wronger, really wrong, wronger than a wrong wacky witch in Wrongville (a town in Pennsylvania).
David Tieck (Sometimes can do similar things as curtains) “I came up with some ace new jokes. I was really, really looking forward to telling them, it was going to be ace (a word that’s ace)”.
Now this dickhead David had weeks to learn a mere five minutes of material, that he wrote, and intelligent comedians (ones not like David) know that it way fucking easier to learn stuff you wrote yourself than to learn other people’s shit, and this dude did write this stuff (What you put up Turkeys asses) so he should have had no problem learning his jokes.
David Tieck (Stand him in front of a ‘clusterfuck’ and you can’t see out, just like a curtain, see what I mean?) “I knew I was going to be nervous and I didn’t want to forget my jokes, so I wrote one word reminders on my hand so if I forgot (when you wear too much lipstick) I could look down and see the word and remember (when you LOVE climbing on statues) and I could then tell it. It was an ace way to not forget and also I came up with an ace joke about it in case people noticed and it was so good a joke that I kind of wanted to be noticed so I could tell the ace joke (a thing people tell to make people laugh)”.
So this fucking douche starts out and he’s doing awful - nervous, twitching, shaky voice, and no confidence in his delivery at all. What a wanker.
David Tieck (Can you see through a curtain? No! Can you see through David Tieck? No! It’s pretty simple). “I started out doing really ace, I mean I was really nervous but I covered (another fucking c word) it up pretty well, and at one point a guy in the audience goes ‘holy shit he’s fucking losing it’ and I thought ‘that’s ace, comedians on stage, comedians in the audience, this is ace’ so I decided to use my hand with words written on it joke”.
Then this tool David tells this horrible, disgusting (when its really old people having sex in front of you) joke.
David Tieck (I mean you can’t like close him or anything but that’s not the point, he can do the job if you need him) “So things are going ace so I decide to use (what addicts do) my ace joke”
He just fucking says it.
David Tieck (sometime curtain) “So I just say it all ace like”
“Some of you may have noticed I have writing on my hand, but it’s not for my act or anything it’s because I plan on masturbating later and I find it way easier if I pretend I just cheated on an English test in school, that way I don’t feel guilty for thinking about twelve year old boys”.
And the audience just groans in disapproval (a state of not liking things).
David Tieck (ace comedian) “I don’t remember how it went, I was kind of nervous (a state of being ace) and so I assumed it was ok, because seriously that’s an ace joke”.
He said plenty of other shit (where food ends up) and they all sucked, but thinking of twelve-year-old boys, that shit is just wrong!
David Tieck (fucked in the head) “I mean I have said worse stuff, like in my private (a low status job in the army) life and all, I say wronger jokes all the time, once after Lilly Allen was in the news because she had sadly had a miscarriage (a party game you play with kids) and my friends and I were having an argument over the attractiveness (whether you think they’re ace or just totally bangable) of Lilly Allen and some of us thought she was just all right, but I think she is fucking gorgeous so I said ‘I want to bang her so bad I'd blow a load all over her NEXT miscarriage’ it was ace. But you know wrong”.
This knucklehead has never been asked back to perform at that club, and never bloody will. I just pray that he’s never said anything wronger, although sometimes at night I wake up screaming after dreaming he just has (the space where a train would be if it was there although it’s not there right now, but will probably come back).
This has been The wrongest joke told by Dave – The Documentary (a type of film that’s all true, except the politically charged ones).
Credit music rolling.
David went on to quit stand up comedy “I didn’t really like it” he said. He now owns a massage parlour that promises ‘Happy Endings’ (a hand-job) but then fails to deliver ‘Happy Endings’ (also a type of curtain with pictures of ceiling fans on them) and gets his kicks arguing with unhappy customers “they laugh way more than stand-up comedy audiences”.
Bill Jones who was in the audience that night gave up being a pedophile that very night “I realized that it really wasn’t funny.”
Lily Allen got married and announced her new pregnancy this past weekend “I’m glad I met a great man, there are some real sick psychos out there”.
Back in context
Now its time to play a little game I like to call "back in context". Hell Yeah!
Well known and celebrity type people like to sometimes like to complain that they get quoted out of context well I'm the type of dude who likes to do shit different so I prefer to put stuff "Back in context". I like to call this game "Back in context", which is something that I mentioned earlier but I didn't mention before that this is all about putting things "Back in context" if you know what I mean.
Here is an example:
Kim Kardashian was quoted this week saying "I love my bum"!
Wow, that's great, love is awesome, I have been told by people who have enjoyed it, apparently a lot of people enjoy this "phenomenon" wow, it's a phenomenon now, and I am still left out, that means you name shit wrong you wankers!
Unfortunately for Kim the entire quote was:
"I love my bum, one time I was loving it so much that in the middle of a pie eating contest I was distracted and found myself fingering out my bum right in front of everyone".
Really Kim, that's fucking awful, you were in a pie eating competition? Those are so wasteful. I hate pie waste. On the other hand, you finger your own bum, hell yeah, I did that once, awesome! Also the rhyme, that's pretty awesome, rhyme is awesome, it's like ballsome, only better, because nothing that rhymes with awesome is worth shit.
You see how this works? I make a truth into an insult to a celebrity back into an insult of myself. It's like "Back in context" only more like "how awesome is this?"
Here is one I prepared earlier.
Emma Watson was quoted this week about her lack of a love life saying:
"Guys are intimidated by me"
Really, guys are intimidated by a freaking gorgeous, super successful "holy crap you can have any guy you want just pick who you want" kind of girl. It's pretty tough, but then again consider the entire quote:
"Guys are intimidated by me. I just want to meet a nice guy who regularly beats off to Harry Potter One"
Oh my god, Emma? That's wrong man. A few days ago I beat off looking at a freaking gorgeous picture of you in a pink sports bra after you'd been to the Gym and I did not think about Harry Potter One, because I've never seen it, I instead thought "Wow I wish every girl on earth was watching me masturbate right now so they'd see that guys don't actually like the whole 'makeup' made up shit as much as we like the real you" that's how "Back in context" more superior I think I am over you, and here I am making up paedophiliac thoughts of yours? What's wrong with you?
Here is a brilliant one, so brilliant that I have to invent a new word for super brilliant that I am coining as we speak "cutoffdenimlikethrow"!!!!!!! Oh fuck, I fucked up that coining, stupid stupid stupid Dave, then again this really is pretty fucking still pretty cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!!:
Lindsay Lohan was quoted saying:
"I'm totally clean".
Awesome Lindsay, that's awesome, almost "cutoffdenimlikethrow" awesome (it's growing on me, this word may take off after all)!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you, if you get clean then you're only "getting talent" away from getting the success you deserve, i.e. way less that you've enjoyed, but holy cutoffdenimlikethrow did you fuck up when I realised that the full quote was:
"I'm totally clean…ing this mirror before I snort coke off it, one time I snorted up some Oreo cookie dust, and let's just say that wasn't an attractive sight, you know, because I've never been attractive".
Wow, Lindsay? Why say something like that about yourself? Snorting coke is epic-ally beautiful, your face and body is gross, but your lifestyle, wow, so sexy. Of course think in mind this real quote from me:
"I'd pound Lindsay Lohan once for every freckle on her ass!"
Keep in mind the last person I tongue kissed was when I got mouth raped by a guy named Oscar, and that was months ago, so that's pretty shit for me to have as a reality.
Blake Lively had nude photos this week and this week is also apparently dating known homosexual Leonardo DeCaprio because he likes having "beards", and is "really famous" and is "really talented" and Blake Lively "really needs credibility" but Leo probably should be all like "I like cock and acting" cause who gives the slightest shit AND matters. Also that Weiner bloke did some shit related to cock, the very thing that Leo likes!!!!! That's cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!! I wish I had a quote about it I like, but I "Back in context" don't.
"That's lazy Dave".
"Yes it is David".
Also Jennifer Love Hewitt, the very actress I have been in love with since I first saw her as "Sarah" on "Party of Five" and still love despite her cutoffdenimlikethrow crazy thoughts on engagement rings and vagina adornment (she's cutoffdenimlikethrow for them, where as I am totally cutoffdenimlikethrow against them) yet that smile man, holy fuck that smile) I am cutoffdenimlikethrow a smile guy by the way and she has a cutoffdenimlikethrow smile, and also she was revealed this to be the rotten tomato websites:
"Worst reviewed actress of all time"
Sorry reviewers but I'd still bone her – take that all you people who always tell me my standards are too high! But I will never tell why (holy fuck that cutoffdenimlikethrow smile is fucking gorgeous).
Quote by Dave:
"What did I say 'cutoffdenimlikethrow" was supposed to mean again?
The "back in context" quote was:
"People don't like me but I'm fine with it….. because I'm going to drown my sorrows with a three week sex marathon with David Tieck"
Holy shit!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH, fucking cutoffdenimlikethrow YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Hey Dave?
Yeah David?
Who "actually" wrote that quote?
I did.
That's you, not her!
UHOUGUGO OH dhc fucking bullshit man, bullshit! Why can't "I" meet a lovely girl, and get that "love" people talk about, they're all like "I "cutoffdenimlikethrow love, I love it so much I'd pound it once for every freckle on its ass!"
Fuck em!
Now its time to play a little game I like to call "back in context". Hell Yeah!
Well known and celebrity type people like to sometimes like to complain that they get quoted out of context well I'm the type of dude who likes to do shit different so I prefer to put stuff "Back in context". I like to call this game "Back in context", which is something that I mentioned earlier but I didn't mention before that this is all about putting things "Back in context" if you know what I mean.
Here is an example:
Kim Kardashian was quoted this week saying "I love my bum"!
Wow, that's great, love is awesome, I have been told by people who have enjoyed it, apparently a lot of people enjoy this "phenomenon" wow, it's a phenomenon now, and I am still left out, that means you name shit wrong you wankers!
Unfortunately for Kim the entire quote was:
"I love my bum, one time I was loving it so much that in the middle of a pie eating contest I was distracted and found myself fingering out my bum right in front of everyone".
Really Kim, that's fucking awful, you were in a pie eating competition? Those are so wasteful. I hate pie waste. On the other hand, you finger your own bum, hell yeah, I did that once, awesome! Also the rhyme, that's pretty awesome, rhyme is awesome, it's like ballsome, only better, because nothing that rhymes with awesome is worth shit.
You see how this works? I make a truth into an insult to a celebrity back into an insult of myself. It's like "Back in context" only more like "how awesome is this?"
Here is one I prepared earlier.
Emma Watson was quoted this week about her lack of a love life saying:
"Guys are intimidated by me"
Really, guys are intimidated by a freaking gorgeous, super successful "holy crap you can have any guy you want just pick who you want" kind of girl. It's pretty tough, but then again consider the entire quote:
"Guys are intimidated by me. I just want to meet a nice guy who regularly beats off to Harry Potter One"
Oh my god, Emma? That's wrong man. A few days ago I beat off looking at a freaking gorgeous picture of you in a pink sports bra after you'd been to the Gym and I did not think about Harry Potter One, because I've never seen it, I instead thought "Wow I wish every girl on earth was watching me masturbate right now so they'd see that guys don't actually like the whole 'makeup' made up shit as much as we like the real you" that's how "Back in context" more superior I think I am over you, and here I am making up paedophiliac thoughts of yours? What's wrong with you?
Here is a brilliant one, so brilliant that I have to invent a new word for super brilliant that I am coining as we speak "cutoffdenimlikethrow"!!!!!!! Oh fuck, I fucked up that coining, stupid stupid stupid Dave, then again this really is pretty fucking still pretty cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!!:
Lindsay Lohan was quoted saying:
"I'm totally clean".
Awesome Lindsay, that's awesome, almost "cutoffdenimlikethrow" awesome (it's growing on me, this word may take off after all)!!!!!!!!!!!!! So happy for you, if you get clean then you're only "getting talent" away from getting the success you deserve, i.e. way less that you've enjoyed, but holy cutoffdenimlikethrow did you fuck up when I realised that the full quote was:
"I'm totally clean…ing this mirror before I snort coke off it, one time I snorted up some Oreo cookie dust, and let's just say that wasn't an attractive sight, you know, because I've never been attractive".
Wow, Lindsay? Why say something like that about yourself? Snorting coke is epic-ally beautiful, your face and body is gross, but your lifestyle, wow, so sexy. Of course think in mind this real quote from me:
"I'd pound Lindsay Lohan once for every freckle on her ass!"
Keep in mind the last person I tongue kissed was when I got mouth raped by a guy named Oscar, and that was months ago, so that's pretty shit for me to have as a reality.
Blake Lively had nude photos this week and this week is also apparently dating known homosexual Leonardo DeCaprio because he likes having "beards", and is "really famous" and is "really talented" and Blake Lively "really needs credibility" but Leo probably should be all like "I like cock and acting" cause who gives the slightest shit AND matters. Also that Weiner bloke did some shit related to cock, the very thing that Leo likes!!!!! That's cutoffdenimlikethrow!!!!!!! I wish I had a quote about it I like, but I "Back in context" don't.
"That's lazy Dave".
"Yes it is David".
Also Jennifer Love Hewitt, the very actress I have been in love with since I first saw her as "Sarah" on "Party of Five" and still love despite her cutoffdenimlikethrow crazy thoughts on engagement rings and vagina adornment (she's cutoffdenimlikethrow for them, where as I am totally cutoffdenimlikethrow against them) yet that smile man, holy fuck that smile) I am cutoffdenimlikethrow a smile guy by the way and she has a cutoffdenimlikethrow smile, and also she was revealed this to be the rotten tomato websites:
"Worst reviewed actress of all time"
Sorry reviewers but I'd still bone her – take that all you people who always tell me my standards are too high! But I will never tell why (holy fuck that cutoffdenimlikethrow smile is fucking gorgeous).
Quote by Dave:
"What did I say 'cutoffdenimlikethrow" was supposed to mean again?
The "back in context" quote was:
"People don't like me but I'm fine with it….. because I'm going to drown my sorrows with a three week sex marathon with David Tieck"
Holy shit!! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH, fucking cutoffdenimlikethrow YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Hey Dave?
Yeah David?
Who "actually" wrote that quote?
I did.
That's you, not her!
UHOUGUGO OH dhc fucking bullshit man, bullshit! Why can't "I" meet a lovely girl, and get that "love" people talk about, they're all like "I "cutoffdenimlikethrow love, I love it so much I'd pound it once for every freckle on its ass!"
Fuck em!
Literally a slice to my balls
There was a story in the paper yesterday that some wonderful wonderful scientists may have invented a new perfectly workable male contraceptive pill. Hooray!
Fun facts about scientists:
- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.
Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.
Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.
Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.
So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!
So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!
There was a story in the paper yesterday that some wonderful wonderful scientists may have invented a new perfectly workable male contraceptive pill. Hooray!
Fun facts about scientists:
- If chicks found them fascinating and totally bangable we'd have things like male pills and cures to STDs way faster.
- Some of them are really smart.
- Some of them once invented a machine that does stuff it's supposed to do, so that's really cool.
Now I for one am very excited about a possible male pill. Some people (women) think that men can't be trusted to take the pill but this is ignoring the reality that all men would swallow a small mule every morning if it meant three times in their life they could have sex without a condom. Especially if those three times did not result in children. But lets face it we'd swallow a pill out of a mules ass, even if it did nothing but allow us sex without a condom three times, you know as long as we could sneak a morning after pill into her drink the following mornings.
Fun facts about sex:
- For men, it's way way better without a condom.
- Way way better.
Here are some fun facts about me:
- I never want to have kids.
- I don't like it when strangers come up to me and say "you look like my cousin Bill, he's so smelly".
- I've spent lots of time thinking about letting a doctor slice open my scrotum with a scalpel and cut out something then use a needle to stitch my scrotum back up.
- I love cats.
- I've never had regular sex or anything close to it in my life so the slice my scrotum dealy seems excessive for now.
- I have a bit of cash and a tiny tiny bit of fame but plan to increase both substantially one day, only I panic that if I do some lady may purposely try to get pregnant to me. I also fear I will sleepwalk off my balcony, that I'll die in a car crash and that one day I'll be nicknamed Bill. I don't want to be nicknamed after a stinky dude.
So I still may do the slicey slicey one day. Soon even. The problem is, consider these fun facts about vasectomies:
- They really do cut open your scrotum with a scalpel.
- You're fucking awake when they do it.
- When you start researching this you inevitably get sent to the surprisingly ample catalogue of pictures of vasectomies gone horribly horribly wrong.
- This is far more terrifying than anything you have ever seen or ever will see in your life.
- They do it while you're awake, that's freaking madness!
So come on scientists, get this shit happening as fast as humanly possible. If you don't I'll totally make you eat a small mule, or worse, I'll nickname you bill!
I just randomly found on my bedroom floor five French Francs!
Do you know what that means? I now own five French Francs. And also a French Person who doesn’t empty out his pockets anywhere near often enough has been sneaking into my bedroom and doing something that dislodged a coin from a place that it has remained for about a decade. I assume that they did some sit-ups, or were so excited to find a pair of my used underpants they jumped for joy, or perhaps they suddenly got a weird feeling that the world should be upside down and they should be walking on the ceilings. It’s an exciting mystery for me to enjoy. One with a probably French character. It’s very exciting. Seriously.
Here is where the excitement really takes off though - if there is another World War and France get kicked out of the European Union for surrounding too fast and are therefore forced to give up the Euro and revert back to their previous currency, and make an interesting choice to set it’s value to be the same as it was in 1979, and I find myself in France sometime after that I can totally buy a croissant with those Francs. YEEEESSSS!!!
Now I know what your thinking, why would you buy a regular croissant when you could buy a chocolate croissant? You’re right, a chocolate croissant is way more delicious than a regular croissant and will not require an additional expense for butter or some form of jam, or perhaps even some cheese, but lets be realistic, no way is France getting kicked out of the European Union but still going to be allowed to make chocolate croissants. They are seriously delicious. Seriously. Especially in the morning when you get fresh ones still warm from the oven. Seriously delicious. Seriously. Or if you chuck them in the microwave you can get them all melty inside. It’s seriously delicious. I mean seriously. As if they are going to let them still have those. Just no fucking way.
“After a unanimous vote of all remaining European Union countries we have declared that only holding out Germany for three weeks really was seriously pathetic, so you’re out. Go on, get on out of here. Get. France, don’t make me hit you with a rolled up newspaper……. Oh by the way, also, you can’t make chocolate croissants anymore, they’re too seriously delicious”.
Truth be told if this was all going down they would probably stop a whole bunch of things from them doing. For the record I can exclusively now report the entire list of things that will get banned in France if there is a third world war and France gets kicked out of the European Union for surrendering too fast. Sourced exclusively from my own personal suggestions. Some of these may seem harsh, just like with the no more chocolate croissants, but if they’re not punished they’ll never learn.
1. No longer allowed to put paper into recycling bins, it’s too prejudice against other forms of trash (As if prejudice will be allowed)
2. No longer allowed to watch a surprising yet inspirational speech and respond with a pause then a one-man slow clap. (They are allowed to write “slow clap” on a piece of paper and slyly hand it to a police officer)
3. Not allowed to listen to any songs recorded by Elton John between 1978-1982 (that one is just obvious)
4. If you get injured in a football match the said injured player is no longer allowed to “walk it off”
5. If you get a stomach-ache from eating too many chocolate croissants you also can’t “walk it off” because you are lying! They’re banned, seriously banned!
I know it’s a tough punishment. And some of you are no doubt thinking I am cruel for suggesting them, especially as I used the word “official” somewhere near that list (possibly) and that is a very authoritive word, so it’s pretty much all guaranteed to happen now. So sorry. But remember, I have already volunteered to go back to France, even in their new harsh world. Because I love France, and I have Five French Francs to spend, ironically found right before this catastrophic turn of events began, that’s got to be fate or something. So I’ll go. Unless it turns out the intruder who dropped the Francs WAS doing sit-ups, you dudes have six-packs and still only held out three weeks? Pathetic. Seriously Pathetic.
Do you know what that means? I now own five French Francs. And also a French Person who doesn’t empty out his pockets anywhere near often enough has been sneaking into my bedroom and doing something that dislodged a coin from a place that it has remained for about a decade. I assume that they did some sit-ups, or were so excited to find a pair of my used underpants they jumped for joy, or perhaps they suddenly got a weird feeling that the world should be upside down and they should be walking on the ceilings. It’s an exciting mystery for me to enjoy. One with a probably French character. It’s very exciting. Seriously.
Here is where the excitement really takes off though - if there is another World War and France get kicked out of the European Union for surrounding too fast and are therefore forced to give up the Euro and revert back to their previous currency, and make an interesting choice to set it’s value to be the same as it was in 1979, and I find myself in France sometime after that I can totally buy a croissant with those Francs. YEEEESSSS!!!
Now I know what your thinking, why would you buy a regular croissant when you could buy a chocolate croissant? You’re right, a chocolate croissant is way more delicious than a regular croissant and will not require an additional expense for butter or some form of jam, or perhaps even some cheese, but lets be realistic, no way is France getting kicked out of the European Union but still going to be allowed to make chocolate croissants. They are seriously delicious. Seriously. Especially in the morning when you get fresh ones still warm from the oven. Seriously delicious. Seriously. Or if you chuck them in the microwave you can get them all melty inside. It’s seriously delicious. I mean seriously. As if they are going to let them still have those. Just no fucking way.
“After a unanimous vote of all remaining European Union countries we have declared that only holding out Germany for three weeks really was seriously pathetic, so you’re out. Go on, get on out of here. Get. France, don’t make me hit you with a rolled up newspaper……. Oh by the way, also, you can’t make chocolate croissants anymore, they’re too seriously delicious”.
Truth be told if this was all going down they would probably stop a whole bunch of things from them doing. For the record I can exclusively now report the entire list of things that will get banned in France if there is a third world war and France gets kicked out of the European Union for surrendering too fast. Sourced exclusively from my own personal suggestions. Some of these may seem harsh, just like with the no more chocolate croissants, but if they’re not punished they’ll never learn.
1. No longer allowed to put paper into recycling bins, it’s too prejudice against other forms of trash (As if prejudice will be allowed)
2. No longer allowed to watch a surprising yet inspirational speech and respond with a pause then a one-man slow clap. (They are allowed to write “slow clap” on a piece of paper and slyly hand it to a police officer)
3. Not allowed to listen to any songs recorded by Elton John between 1978-1982 (that one is just obvious)
4. If you get injured in a football match the said injured player is no longer allowed to “walk it off”
5. If you get a stomach-ache from eating too many chocolate croissants you also can’t “walk it off” because you are lying! They’re banned, seriously banned!
I know it’s a tough punishment. And some of you are no doubt thinking I am cruel for suggesting them, especially as I used the word “official” somewhere near that list (possibly) and that is a very authoritive word, so it’s pretty much all guaranteed to happen now. So sorry. But remember, I have already volunteered to go back to France, even in their new harsh world. Because I love France, and I have Five French Francs to spend, ironically found right before this catastrophic turn of events began, that’s got to be fate or something. So I’ll go. Unless it turns out the intruder who dropped the Francs WAS doing sit-ups, you dudes have six-packs and still only held out three weeks? Pathetic. Seriously Pathetic.
I know what you’re thinking
“No you don’t”
But I also know that secret thing you’re thinking. That thing so secret that if you whispered it in a game of Chinese Whispers your ultra liberal friend would be all like “this game is racist, but it was so worth it, because your secret is totally awesome and super secretive, and I would not have found out about it unless we totally offended the entire country of China, who just because of this racist game probably wont do anything about the dwindling Panda Bear population anymore just to spite us because they know we like Panda Bears”
And then you will have to submit your own personal take on the difference between racism and xenophobia by saying “calling Chinese Whispers racist is only true if you mean the race Chinese, but if in fact you mean the country China then you are probably being xenophobic and yet only if you mean Chinese the race in a disparaging way or China the country as something you fear, when in reality its just a silly name for a silly kids game and is neither disparaging nor phobic you fun hating twat!”
And then you’re friend will all be like “for starters don’t call me a twat, and for second thing I think you having ‘neither’ and ‘nor’ together just then may have made your thing a double negative which returns it back to a positive and therefore is not a nice thing to say, I mean that twat part, the other part I am kind of confused about, and you know I hate confusing and things of that ambiguous nature that are hard to decipher!”
And then you’ll end up getting into a huge friendship ending fight that is completely pointless, where the most valid point made is “it turns out if you eat a tennis ball thinking it’s an apple, then your taste buds and eyesight should be tested, but your teeth work great!” and yet you never even end up discussing this awesome secret that you have been so brave to share with your friend during an innocent game of Chinese Whispers, and you’ll realize actually that if you made one valid point about the tennis ball then the argument wasn’t “pointless”, it was just not really worth it.
So when I reveal this secret of yours on your behalf understand please that I am not trying to reveal a secret of yours for my own selfish gain, to mock you, or steal from you, or make you think about taking a shower because of how dirty you feel at having let me deep, deep inside your mind, no, none of those things are things I have even thought about, I do this simply to save your friendship.
Assuming you have some friends. And some of them are ultra liberal. And you play Chinese Whispers with them. And they just now decided to play their “hang on this is so not ultra liberal of me I better charge up (now chanting: war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger) alright now I am feeling as strong, and powerful and as ultra liberal as I can, fear my wrath” card.
I mean you may well have an ultra conservative friend who is all upset about Chinese Whispers because of the fear he has about the growing Chinese economy and its potential impact on the global finances and competitiveness and all that. But I don’t care about ruining that argument; it would just be so boring, and that is a friendship you can do without frankly. Your ultra liberal friend may be just as annoying, but there is a better chance they have purple hair, and that’s a pretty color. And I will not ruin that friendship, no sir (unless you’re a girl and this ultra liberal person gets all upset because I went with “Sir” just then instead of “Maam”, “Sweetie”, “Hot-tits” or “Person of undetermined gender”, in which case fuck em).
Now, I know above that I predicted what you were thinking 100% correct and now you are all nervous, because this deep dark secret of yours may be something buried so deep in your sub-conscience that even you don’t know what you’re thinking. So just to alleviate your fear here are some things that are not the secret I am going to share of yours:
- You were born with six toes and the one they cut off sits in a jar that you hide under your pillow at night hoping the toe-fairy will finally show up
- You think chairs are horribly overrated as places to put down your used tissues
- You once prostituted yourself and when he had you eat cream cheese off his penis you decided not to charge him because, hey, free cheese
- You don’t like swimming except on really hot days
Remember these are the things that are NOT your secret. Phew. No one ever has to find out you are a sick twisted non-swimming much type person. It’s ok.
Still we do have to get to your secret. There is the matter of that ultra liberal friend that I don’t want you to lose still to take care of. Damn it! The responsibilities I face sometimes, it can be unbearable this much responsibility, and having to be all responsible with it, why can’t I just go for a swim damn it!
Ok, here goes. And again I do this for you, not against you. Remember all that responsibility business from before? This is that now coming into action. It was just a paragraph ago so you probably should be able to remember. Unless you’re just skim-reading this while watching TV, I don’t mind, I do that sometimes too. Have you ever seen that show House? Is it any good? I’ve never checked it out. I heard there is a doctor in it? Wow, that would be a hard job! You’d have to wash your hands so often and get that dry over washed hand skin. That can’t feel good to touch things with. But then you get to save lives. I mean some good stuff and some bad. Wow now that I think about it that show must be awesome.
Anyway, your secret. Drum roll……….
The thing you’re thinking right now is
“This guy has totally been stalling because he hadn’t thought of anything funny yet and now this will probably be something lame”
Hey fuck you! I was going to totally fucking save your friendship with your ultra liberal friend who may be a bit annoying but probably has a really good heart and cares about stuff, so how dare us judge her. But you’ve gone and thought something so mean and judgemental about me. It’s really not nice.
Well I do actually know your secret, and it’s really, really, really, really, really hilarious, like hilarious like classic Steve Martin that time he was all hilarious with that funny stuff. But I think you’ve ruined it. Awwwwwwweeee.
Well here it is anyway, I guess.
You’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids just because of the way people would get judgemental on how you got the Aids and stuff.
See how funny that would have been had you not let that other thought come into your head. I would have gone, here we go, drumroll…..
You are now thinking somewhere in your sub-conscience
“I’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids, just because of the way people would get judgemental on how I got the Aids and stuff”.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (feel free to paraphrase this paragraph yourself rather than read each individual ‘ha’ you know, if you’d prefer)
See how many “ha ha’s” that may have gotten? No? Maybe? Well the moments passed. I guess we never really will know just how good things could be. I’m going to go play Chinese Whispers now. I’d go swimming but you’ve ruined that for me now too. Twat!
“No you don’t”
But I also know that secret thing you’re thinking. That thing so secret that if you whispered it in a game of Chinese Whispers your ultra liberal friend would be all like “this game is racist, but it was so worth it, because your secret is totally awesome and super secretive, and I would not have found out about it unless we totally offended the entire country of China, who just because of this racist game probably wont do anything about the dwindling Panda Bear population anymore just to spite us because they know we like Panda Bears”
And then you will have to submit your own personal take on the difference between racism and xenophobia by saying “calling Chinese Whispers racist is only true if you mean the race Chinese, but if in fact you mean the country China then you are probably being xenophobic and yet only if you mean Chinese the race in a disparaging way or China the country as something you fear, when in reality its just a silly name for a silly kids game and is neither disparaging nor phobic you fun hating twat!”
And then you’re friend will all be like “for starters don’t call me a twat, and for second thing I think you having ‘neither’ and ‘nor’ together just then may have made your thing a double negative which returns it back to a positive and therefore is not a nice thing to say, I mean that twat part, the other part I am kind of confused about, and you know I hate confusing and things of that ambiguous nature that are hard to decipher!”
And then you’ll end up getting into a huge friendship ending fight that is completely pointless, where the most valid point made is “it turns out if you eat a tennis ball thinking it’s an apple, then your taste buds and eyesight should be tested, but your teeth work great!” and yet you never even end up discussing this awesome secret that you have been so brave to share with your friend during an innocent game of Chinese Whispers, and you’ll realize actually that if you made one valid point about the tennis ball then the argument wasn’t “pointless”, it was just not really worth it.
So when I reveal this secret of yours on your behalf understand please that I am not trying to reveal a secret of yours for my own selfish gain, to mock you, or steal from you, or make you think about taking a shower because of how dirty you feel at having let me deep, deep inside your mind, no, none of those things are things I have even thought about, I do this simply to save your friendship.
Assuming you have some friends. And some of them are ultra liberal. And you play Chinese Whispers with them. And they just now decided to play their “hang on this is so not ultra liberal of me I better charge up (now chanting: war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger, war, greed, hunger) alright now I am feeling as strong, and powerful and as ultra liberal as I can, fear my wrath” card.
I mean you may well have an ultra conservative friend who is all upset about Chinese Whispers because of the fear he has about the growing Chinese economy and its potential impact on the global finances and competitiveness and all that. But I don’t care about ruining that argument; it would just be so boring, and that is a friendship you can do without frankly. Your ultra liberal friend may be just as annoying, but there is a better chance they have purple hair, and that’s a pretty color. And I will not ruin that friendship, no sir (unless you’re a girl and this ultra liberal person gets all upset because I went with “Sir” just then instead of “Maam”, “Sweetie”, “Hot-tits” or “Person of undetermined gender”, in which case fuck em).
Now, I know above that I predicted what you were thinking 100% correct and now you are all nervous, because this deep dark secret of yours may be something buried so deep in your sub-conscience that even you don’t know what you’re thinking. So just to alleviate your fear here are some things that are not the secret I am going to share of yours:
- You were born with six toes and the one they cut off sits in a jar that you hide under your pillow at night hoping the toe-fairy will finally show up
- You think chairs are horribly overrated as places to put down your used tissues
- You once prostituted yourself and when he had you eat cream cheese off his penis you decided not to charge him because, hey, free cheese
- You don’t like swimming except on really hot days
Remember these are the things that are NOT your secret. Phew. No one ever has to find out you are a sick twisted non-swimming much type person. It’s ok.
Still we do have to get to your secret. There is the matter of that ultra liberal friend that I don’t want you to lose still to take care of. Damn it! The responsibilities I face sometimes, it can be unbearable this much responsibility, and having to be all responsible with it, why can’t I just go for a swim damn it!
Ok, here goes. And again I do this for you, not against you. Remember all that responsibility business from before? This is that now coming into action. It was just a paragraph ago so you probably should be able to remember. Unless you’re just skim-reading this while watching TV, I don’t mind, I do that sometimes too. Have you ever seen that show House? Is it any good? I’ve never checked it out. I heard there is a doctor in it? Wow, that would be a hard job! You’d have to wash your hands so often and get that dry over washed hand skin. That can’t feel good to touch things with. But then you get to save lives. I mean some good stuff and some bad. Wow now that I think about it that show must be awesome.
Anyway, your secret. Drum roll……….
The thing you’re thinking right now is
“This guy has totally been stalling because he hadn’t thought of anything funny yet and now this will probably be something lame”
Hey fuck you! I was going to totally fucking save your friendship with your ultra liberal friend who may be a bit annoying but probably has a really good heart and cares about stuff, so how dare us judge her. But you’ve gone and thought something so mean and judgemental about me. It’s really not nice.
Well I do actually know your secret, and it’s really, really, really, really, really hilarious, like hilarious like classic Steve Martin that time he was all hilarious with that funny stuff. But I think you’ve ruined it. Awwwwwwweeee.
Well here it is anyway, I guess.
You’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids just because of the way people would get judgemental on how you got the Aids and stuff.
See how funny that would have been had you not let that other thought come into your head. I would have gone, here we go, drumroll…..
You are now thinking somewhere in your sub-conscience
“I’d rather get terminal cancer than Aids, just because of the way people would get judgemental on how I got the Aids and stuff”.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (feel free to paraphrase this paragraph yourself rather than read each individual ‘ha’ you know, if you’d prefer)
See how many “ha ha’s” that may have gotten? No? Maybe? Well the moments passed. I guess we never really will know just how good things could be. I’m going to go play Chinese Whispers now. I’d go swimming but you’ve ruined that for me now too. Twat!
It takes a crazy person to understand a crazy person
I just walked around in a cold, windy, snowy and totally freezing Chicago for a couple of hours with nothing for warmth but a light hoodie. I know crazy!
On the bright side, having a nibble on crazy I've now gotten a taste for what Charlie Sheen is going through, and I can officially and exclusively reveal the following:
When Charlie says 'winning!' it's merely an abbreviated match up of 'weiner' and 'bleeding'. You'd be screaming and ranting too if you're herpes were that bad.
Tiger Woods stopped by his house just to gloat and say 'ha ha, I still fuck more whores than you'. So he bit Tiger's dick off. Frankly Tiger deserved it.
Now that he has 'Tiger Blood' on his fangs he realizes there are a lot of other whore loving dicks out there that deserve it as much as Tiger. He's going to work from oldest to youngest, watch out everyone from Warren Beatty down to Justin Beiber, for the love of god he's just trying to save you from herpes like his! Ouch.
His trim figure is the result of snorting cottage cheese every morning.
The girl who pays Rose on Two and a half men is from New Zealand, and there was just a huge earthquake in New Zealand, coincidence - probably!
He loves recreating his father's famous mirror punching scene from Apocalypse now, unfortunately women look like mirrors to him.
He thinks people who make lists like this so far after the crazy began are super cool and charming (aww thanks Charlie)
He thinks his replacement on Two and a half should be way different than him 'like a crazy long haired Australian with a name like David' he believes (wow Charlie you're making me blush, how dare people call you crazy).
His first addiction was staring off into the distance at the end of dilapidated piers. They have now been added to the list of 'gateway' drugs the DEA is keeping an eye on.
His cameo in Wall St 2 was by far the best part of that movie.
'Wow seriously' he just thought 'I was amazing on Two and a half men but even I'd prefer I was replaced by a long haired Aussie dude, I mean that's something we just haven't seen on TV!'
He once nearly went crazy after watching an episode of the Simpsons 'oh my god, can drawings talk?' he screamed at the time. When he found out his own drawings never talked he got mad then had sex with a porn star. After she said 'are you still mad baby' and he laughed and laughed.
Every time he hears the Fleetwood Mac lyric 'Thunder only happens when its raining' he can't help but yell BULLSHIT! Thunder happens without rain ALL THE TIME! Geez, and they call ME crazy!
'Oh my god' he just realized 'They could have Charlie die and at the will reading find out Charlie left the house to a never seen son he had after a fling with an Aussie tourist 25 years ago. The will states his son, David, we'll call him, is told he gets the house, the cars and money as long as he lets Alan and Jake stay for free. And although David and Charlie never met, it's clear that son took after daddy' he just thought 'that's genius, chuck chuck, all's forgiven if you make this happen'!
He's actually faking it, in reality he's thinking of running for public office and knows his old persona came off way too smart for that.
Wow it all makes perfect sense now!
I just walked around in a cold, windy, snowy and totally freezing Chicago for a couple of hours with nothing for warmth but a light hoodie. I know crazy!
On the bright side, having a nibble on crazy I've now gotten a taste for what Charlie Sheen is going through, and I can officially and exclusively reveal the following:
When Charlie says 'winning!' it's merely an abbreviated match up of 'weiner' and 'bleeding'. You'd be screaming and ranting too if you're herpes were that bad.
Tiger Woods stopped by his house just to gloat and say 'ha ha, I still fuck more whores than you'. So he bit Tiger's dick off. Frankly Tiger deserved it.
Now that he has 'Tiger Blood' on his fangs he realizes there are a lot of other whore loving dicks out there that deserve it as much as Tiger. He's going to work from oldest to youngest, watch out everyone from Warren Beatty down to Justin Beiber, for the love of god he's just trying to save you from herpes like his! Ouch.
His trim figure is the result of snorting cottage cheese every morning.
The girl who pays Rose on Two and a half men is from New Zealand, and there was just a huge earthquake in New Zealand, coincidence - probably!
He loves recreating his father's famous mirror punching scene from Apocalypse now, unfortunately women look like mirrors to him.
He thinks people who make lists like this so far after the crazy began are super cool and charming (aww thanks Charlie)
He thinks his replacement on Two and a half should be way different than him 'like a crazy long haired Australian with a name like David' he believes (wow Charlie you're making me blush, how dare people call you crazy).
His first addiction was staring off into the distance at the end of dilapidated piers. They have now been added to the list of 'gateway' drugs the DEA is keeping an eye on.
His cameo in Wall St 2 was by far the best part of that movie.
'Wow seriously' he just thought 'I was amazing on Two and a half men but even I'd prefer I was replaced by a long haired Aussie dude, I mean that's something we just haven't seen on TV!'
He once nearly went crazy after watching an episode of the Simpsons 'oh my god, can drawings talk?' he screamed at the time. When he found out his own drawings never talked he got mad then had sex with a porn star. After she said 'are you still mad baby' and he laughed and laughed.
Every time he hears the Fleetwood Mac lyric 'Thunder only happens when its raining' he can't help but yell BULLSHIT! Thunder happens without rain ALL THE TIME! Geez, and they call ME crazy!
'Oh my god' he just realized 'They could have Charlie die and at the will reading find out Charlie left the house to a never seen son he had after a fling with an Aussie tourist 25 years ago. The will states his son, David, we'll call him, is told he gets the house, the cars and money as long as he lets Alan and Jake stay for free. And although David and Charlie never met, it's clear that son took after daddy' he just thought 'that's genius, chuck chuck, all's forgiven if you make this happen'!
He's actually faking it, in reality he's thinking of running for public office and knows his old persona came off way too smart for that.
Wow it all makes perfect sense now!
What a terrible waste of money
People are always talking about their purchased products and saying things like ‘I paid good money for that’. That is a mistake.
It seems clear that in these troublesome times everyone has become too fearful to spend their evil money.
Next thing you know you have a wallet full horded evil money and with a complete lack of good money left to maintain law and order anarchy breaks out.
Gangs start, they begin to rumble, true story - I once saw an evil five dollar note stab a sixteen year old (which is a wise old man in the bill world) merely for a recently looted bushel of bananas. I mean what’s a five-dollar note even going to do with bananas, everyone knows money mostly eats multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt and/or relationships.
Next thing you know the evil money riots in your wallet get out of hand and the most awful thing imaginable happens. A small yet unnoticeable hole gets cut in the condom you keep in there. Three years later when you finally make sweet love to a girl you don’t find that attractive and/or don’t enjoy her personality but you figure it’s less depressing than throwing out yet another condom because it’s use-by-date is up and that little hole creates a big problem for you.
That’s right the miracle of pregnancy kicks you in the balls like a building wrecking ball dealy, by which I mean a big huge heavy ball of metal right in your testicles, by which I mean not so much the miracle of pregnancy but the biggest nightmare on earth of pregnancy.
So you tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date and when you get to the abortion centre the doctor says ‘sorry, this is an abortion clinic, where we take nightmares and flush them down the toilet so that everything is ok, we don’t accept “evil” money for something so pure and wonderful and in all reality morally wrong but sometimes it’s ok to set aside morals if you both agree never to tell anyone and assume God is busy today, so you can take your fucking evil money and stick it up your ass you scumhole!!!!!’
On your kids fifth birthday you have to tell him that the only reason you can afford such a nice bike for him is because you horded evil money and it saved him from being aborted and that tells him that evil money is why I am alive and starts chasing it forever.
It’s a messed up system people!
So I say spend some of that evil money today, and save some of your good money for a rainy day, just think you may need that one day to buy a twenty a multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt sandwich.
It may save him from stabbing a wise old lady one day. Isn’t that worth it?
People are always talking about their purchased products and saying things like ‘I paid good money for that’. That is a mistake.
It seems clear that in these troublesome times everyone has become too fearful to spend their evil money.
Next thing you know you have a wallet full horded evil money and with a complete lack of good money left to maintain law and order anarchy breaks out.
Gangs start, they begin to rumble, true story - I once saw an evil five dollar note stab a sixteen year old (which is a wise old man in the bill world) merely for a recently looted bushel of bananas. I mean what’s a five-dollar note even going to do with bananas, everyone knows money mostly eats multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt and/or relationships.
Next thing you know the evil money riots in your wallet get out of hand and the most awful thing imaginable happens. A small yet unnoticeable hole gets cut in the condom you keep in there. Three years later when you finally make sweet love to a girl you don’t find that attractive and/or don’t enjoy her personality but you figure it’s less depressing than throwing out yet another condom because it’s use-by-date is up and that little hole creates a big problem for you.
That’s right the miracle of pregnancy kicks you in the balls like a building wrecking ball dealy, by which I mean a big huge heavy ball of metal right in your testicles, by which I mean not so much the miracle of pregnancy but the biggest nightmare on earth of pregnancy.
So you tell her that you want to take her on a romantic date and when you get to the abortion centre the doctor says ‘sorry, this is an abortion clinic, where we take nightmares and flush them down the toilet so that everything is ok, we don’t accept “evil” money for something so pure and wonderful and in all reality morally wrong but sometimes it’s ok to set aside morals if you both agree never to tell anyone and assume God is busy today, so you can take your fucking evil money and stick it up your ass you scumhole!!!!!’
On your kids fifth birthday you have to tell him that the only reason you can afford such a nice bike for him is because you horded evil money and it saved him from being aborted and that tells him that evil money is why I am alive and starts chasing it forever.
It’s a messed up system people!
So I say spend some of that evil money today, and save some of your good money for a rainy day, just think you may need that one day to buy a twenty a multigrain bread with sweet-chili flavored cream cheese spread and pinch of unionized salt sandwich.
It may save him from stabbing a wise old lady one day. Isn’t that worth it?
How to make a hundred bucks
Some things I realized late last night
I regret eating my own boogers
I also regret naming my dog 'my own boogers'
Because who calls their burgers 'dog' that's usually reserved for hot dogs
Which reminds me there is a hot bitch at my secret society of secreters meeting at midday on Tuesdays
But don't you tell her I said that
She always says it's no secret she kind of likes being called 'hot'
And I'd hate to have her kicked out of our secret society of secreters meetings for people saying stuff that isn't a secret
Because the secret society of secreters doesn't really exist
Well they really do, but I'll let you in on a secret, our newsletter is getting so popular that our printers are getting worried about keeping up with the demand
'Demand' of course being the nickname we have given to Mary the warehouse horse who is very fast
'Horse' of course being her other nickname because of her long history with salt addiction
It's kind of sad actually because most people don't realize that being salt addicted often means you're terrible in chip avoiding contests
Which were of course invented by Steve Evans a man famous for being so addicted to eating boogers he tried to destroy the snack industry by encouraging avoiding snacks with well funded and highly competitive chip avoiding contents
Steve of course being the hot bitches husband
That's why we call her 'hot' because as everyone knows chip production is a really cool job
Guys will say to girls in bars 'I work in chip production' and the girls will all be like 'that's so cool'
So with less chips eaten the world is less cool and therefore more hot because of her
Also she is really sweet which is why we call her a bitch
Its tough at our secret meetings to keep coming up with interesting and hilariously ironic nicknames because everyone is so uninteresting
Except for Steve who eats lots of boogers
Actually that reminds me, Steve bet me a hundred bucks I wouldn't 'eat my own boogers' and that's why I named that burger 'my own boogers'
You owe me a hundred bucks Steve, and I'm going to spend it ALL on chips, you loser
Geeze I'd hate to have THAT guys mind
Some things I realized late last night
I regret eating my own boogers
I also regret naming my dog 'my own boogers'
Because who calls their burgers 'dog' that's usually reserved for hot dogs
Which reminds me there is a hot bitch at my secret society of secreters meeting at midday on Tuesdays
But don't you tell her I said that
She always says it's no secret she kind of likes being called 'hot'
And I'd hate to have her kicked out of our secret society of secreters meetings for people saying stuff that isn't a secret
Because the secret society of secreters doesn't really exist
Well they really do, but I'll let you in on a secret, our newsletter is getting so popular that our printers are getting worried about keeping up with the demand
'Demand' of course being the nickname we have given to Mary the warehouse horse who is very fast
'Horse' of course being her other nickname because of her long history with salt addiction
It's kind of sad actually because most people don't realize that being salt addicted often means you're terrible in chip avoiding contests
Which were of course invented by Steve Evans a man famous for being so addicted to eating boogers he tried to destroy the snack industry by encouraging avoiding snacks with well funded and highly competitive chip avoiding contents
Steve of course being the hot bitches husband
That's why we call her 'hot' because as everyone knows chip production is a really cool job
Guys will say to girls in bars 'I work in chip production' and the girls will all be like 'that's so cool'
So with less chips eaten the world is less cool and therefore more hot because of her
Also she is really sweet which is why we call her a bitch
Its tough at our secret meetings to keep coming up with interesting and hilariously ironic nicknames because everyone is so uninteresting
Except for Steve who eats lots of boogers
Actually that reminds me, Steve bet me a hundred bucks I wouldn't 'eat my own boogers' and that's why I named that burger 'my own boogers'
You owe me a hundred bucks Steve, and I'm going to spend it ALL on chips, you loser
Geeze I'd hate to have THAT guys mind
I have a huge ass - bad style
You guys probably don’t know this, but in a country different from where you are I am sort of a big deal to people in that country (please decide where you are on your own and then think of somewhere else and imagine this is there).
You see I sing in this band – Poikilothermic, which is the official scientific word for “coldblooded”, and that is really fucking cool which means it’s a really cool band name which means we’re badass, like frogs and many breeds of fish who are also coldblooded badassness and eat bugs, which is super badass kind of meal like our badass band (please note ‘badass’ does not mean our asses are literally bad, they are normal perfectly functional asses with normal horrific functions)(please also note only men’s asses are used exclusively for horrific functions, the female ass is capable of all sorts of non-horrific things, from being photographed, sodomised or even to hold a smiley faced balloon between its cheeks to cheer up the sick kiddies). They call this the “circle of badassness” and it only exists in rare awesomenessous times!
This one time our badass band was doing a badass gig, and I guess we were sucking kind of hard (a term us rock stars use to suggest we are kicking ass because it reminds us of backpacks and their amazing ability to let you carry stuff while keeping your arms free to use vacuums), and this one guy, in some weird place in his mind thought something different I guess, like we weren’t awesome (I assumed he must not have had a vacuum, meaning his floor might have crumbs on it, poor guy), because this biscuit without a plate-face decided to throw a beer glass at me, and it hits me right on the temple, and knocked me out cold, right there on stage!
Yes the stage, that’s the bit raised up a bit meaning being knocked out is highly dangerous. (For the record it hurt, but I was too passed out to cry, yes that’s right I kick rock n roll ass!)
Also, and I don’t remember this bit specifically, because I was passed out, but apparently this cut opened up on my head like the parting of the red sea or something (by something I mean something actually red and opening, not like that lying fucking sea), and it ended up needing twenty stitches, which I am told is a lot (twenty stitches bad, twenty grand good – numbers sure are flip-floppers!), but it also meant there was lots of blood pouring out all over the stage, and with me passed out bleeding like that they decided to cut the power to the PA and all that so people could come and help me. (By people I mean my drummers grandmother, she was a sweet old lady who had gotten us this gig at her nursing home).
So they startle me awake, and now I see the house lights on, with a crowd of frustrated patrons (frustration makes six old couples look like a thousand strong army) looking at me sort of strangely, and I look down at my body and see all the blood, and then I started to cry (you can’t stay passed out and therefore not crying for ever I don’t care how badass you are) I was like really sobbing, cause you know I’m a badass like a frog which is an often wet faced creature, and I think I might have cried for my mommy, which is kind of weird because I don’t really ever remember my mommy being that comforting when I scraped my knee as a young boy, so I don’t know how I thought she could help me while bleeding and crying on stage (but if she was any kind of real mom she’d have prayed every night for my well being, this is rock n roll, a job where you can sing and play guitar and stuff, which are really different skill sets, and there is lots of prejudice about people with difference).
The ultimate fall out from this incident was far more severe than even I could imagine. The following day a memo went around the nursing home telling resident their grandkids weren’t allowed to come visit anymore if they claimed they were in a band. The man is always trying to hold down us rock gods!
If you can imagine it, from here is actually got worse? (Even though it is unbelievable I hope you can imagine it, because otherwise your imagination may be sort of weird, I mean you can imagine a coffee table with a beverage that is not a coffee on it, completely defying the very name of the table, but you can’t imagine things getting worse? That’s weird dude). Because of this one little incident, you know after someone showed camera phone footage of me bleeding and crying on the news, there was this huge fallout, and ultimately it lead to glass actually being banned from all pubs, bars and nursing homes in the country you are imagining this took place! I know!
Now everyone has to drink out of plastic, which has some insulation properties or what not that don’t keep your drink chilled to a preferential temperature for nearly as much time as glass would. That is science working against you! And people wonder why diseases no longer get cured. Science has turned man, can’t you see it? Where is the war on science?
Now in the country you are assuming this happened in we like our beer, and we like our beer icy cold, so people fucking hate this no glass rule. (If you fucking hate something does that mean you’re raping hate? Maybe hate brought it on itself with overly sexual clothes? Hate is such a whore.) And when people find a rule they hate they need someone to blame, and there were two obvious choices in this case. An unknown asshole who threw a beer glass, or a badass singer who fell into a pool of his own blood and burst into pathetic little girl tears, while on a stage wearing no shirt, and leather pants with four pair of socks stuffed into the crotch, all in front of a death metal old school old folks crowd and shown on the news. (Badass = good, asshole = bad = proof bad is better than ass = proof asshole = something good = once again science fucking with you!)
I have no idea why, but for some reason this country decided to blame not the glass thrower, but me the little girl death metal singer who used to go by the stage name “Paradox Daffodil (Monk’s Hood – which is a type of purple buttercup flower) (fireweed – which is a type of primrose flower)”, which at some point I thought was cool but for some reason the “press” called “wordy” (Fuck you press, you’re named after ironing, and that’s a lady chore, you ladies!) (Please note I am not actually sexist but as a badass rock n roller I am forced by law to appear as such from time to time or those pussy ladies will say mean things about me and I’ll cry).
So now every time someone here takes a sip of their beer and thinks “warm already” they follow that up with “I fucking want to kill that pathetic flower cunt” which isn’t a nice thing to think at all!
The other thing is that I really like going to pubs, bars and nursing homes, and I really like cold beer myself, and now I cant go into any place in this land without some prick spotting me and yelling out something like “grow stronger skin you turd”, and I’ll be like – “sorry sir, but the strength of my skin is just not something I have any control over, and besides apart from one unfortunate incident my skin has done a splendid job of holding in my blood, and frankly I think most people have skin with poor defense against flying glass plus a turd is another word for poo and I don’t think I am poo so your whole argument breaks down as soon as logic is added you turd!” But that never seems to be enough for them, and they usually threaten to make me bleed some more if I don’t get out of there soon.
So wait, have you ever realized that in essence your skin is literally just a big body shaped bag filled tight with blood, bones and organs? Imagine that skin bag draped over the back of a couch! Now that makes me think of the skin bag being like an inflatable raft where one little cut and it sinks, thank god for congealing blood, if you ask me (why did you make me imagine that, now I feel quesy, this is all your fault for not being so clearly able to imagine things getting worse earlier, and now I’m quesy, are you happy?)
So anyway I can never go to a pub, bar, nursing home again, thank god my grandparents’ are dead (see what this turd just made me thank GOD for? That’s kind of creepy, cause it was heart disease that killed them, not god, must be concussion making me miss-thank).
Even after this went on for a few months and I decided to ditch the leather pants and start wearing shirts with a nametag people STILL recognized me, it just sucks. The band ditched me too, apparently I didn’t “fit the image they were going for, for a death metal band” so it basically just ruined my life.
But at least I am kind of a big deal, and that’s badass.
Ruining it for all the ladies
Girls, now I know you all hope to one day be swept off your feet by a knight in shining armor, but haven’t you ever wondered just why these knights were so concerned by buffing up their suits all shiny before heading of to see a bunch of men on a battle field?
Lets look at some facts about Knights:
- They were christened ‘sir’ as in servant to the Queen, which was a band headed by a man with a really cool mustache!
- No one ever says ‘my grand daddy was a Knight’
- They rode ‘stallions’ which are like horses but extra manly and yet have waxed pubes.
- They used ‘phallic’ weapons like swords, jousts and cannons when they could so easily of just used magic.
- They used a silent ‘k’ which rhymes with gay, that while now means ‘lame’ used to refer to happiness and joy and Knights spent most of their time joyfully hanging with other men! (Also: That’s right homosexuals you stole the word gay and we’ve stolen it back, deal with it or we’ll take rainbows back too and make them represent people who are fond of digital watches. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the symbology in the short thick ‘hour’ hand being the most powerful, and the long skinny ‘second’ hand being almost irrelevant, for shame).
- They famously used the battle cry ‘whoever cuts off the most heads today gets blown by me tonight, ooh ahhh’ that some people think may for some reason have referenced oral sex (for the record ‘sucking’ is WAY better than ‘blowing’ in that department). Global warming enthusiasts also use this battle cry as evidence that the world was ‘windier’ in the Middle Ages.
- They were enthusiastic of the punishment of being ‘drawn and quartered’ that referred to being sketched naked and having your ‘penis’ sketched quarter size, which back then was something men didn’t want others to think about them, why? Maybe it would mean less guys would want to see their penises? Proving they did want men to look at their penises.
- The fact they were called ‘Knights’ but mostly fought in the day leaving their ‘torches’ for each other.
That’s right, the evidence is all in girls and it is clear, Knights in Shining armor are clearly trying to overcompensate for some sort of body odor problem. Sorry, fantasy ruined.
Girls, now I know you all hope to one day be swept off your feet by a knight in shining armor, but haven’t you ever wondered just why these knights were so concerned by buffing up their suits all shiny before heading of to see a bunch of men on a battle field?
Lets look at some facts about Knights:
- They were christened ‘sir’ as in servant to the Queen, which was a band headed by a man with a really cool mustache!
- No one ever says ‘my grand daddy was a Knight’
- They rode ‘stallions’ which are like horses but extra manly and yet have waxed pubes.
- They used ‘phallic’ weapons like swords, jousts and cannons when they could so easily of just used magic.
- They used a silent ‘k’ which rhymes with gay, that while now means ‘lame’ used to refer to happiness and joy and Knights spent most of their time joyfully hanging with other men! (Also: That’s right homosexuals you stole the word gay and we’ve stolen it back, deal with it or we’ll take rainbows back too and make them represent people who are fond of digital watches. Don’t think we haven’t noticed the symbology in the short thick ‘hour’ hand being the most powerful, and the long skinny ‘second’ hand being almost irrelevant, for shame).
- They famously used the battle cry ‘whoever cuts off the most heads today gets blown by me tonight, ooh ahhh’ that some people think may for some reason have referenced oral sex (for the record ‘sucking’ is WAY better than ‘blowing’ in that department). Global warming enthusiasts also use this battle cry as evidence that the world was ‘windier’ in the Middle Ages.
- They were enthusiastic of the punishment of being ‘drawn and quartered’ that referred to being sketched naked and having your ‘penis’ sketched quarter size, which back then was something men didn’t want others to think about them, why? Maybe it would mean less guys would want to see their penises? Proving they did want men to look at their penises.
- The fact they were called ‘Knights’ but mostly fought in the day leaving their ‘torches’ for each other.
That’s right, the evidence is all in girls and it is clear, Knights in Shining armor are clearly trying to overcompensate for some sort of body odor problem. Sorry, fantasy ruined.
