Going to the Dr. in the morning. I've been putting off the dreaded "40 year checkup" for 6 months. Went in two weeks ago for Pneumonia/bronchitis/laryngitis and the doc scheduled two appointments, one for tomorrow (labs) and one for next Friday (readings, checkup). I know I shouldn't worry, and for the most part, I'm not. There is a little twinge though.
I broke things off with my gf on the first of January, and have moved on. Not into a new relationship, but into taking care of me, getting my life back. I don't want to be with her because of how things were. The bad far outweighed the good, and the only thing of interest to her near the end was money/what I could do for her. There was no reciprocation. I'm happy and good now, but I have been dreaming about her as of late. They are those beginning of the relationship sweet dreams we have when things are new. This is confusing me, and I have been tempted to make contact. I don't know if my heart (loves too easily) is trying to outweigh my brain. I really have no regrets by splitting up with her, so why now, three months later am I having these dreams/feelings? I think it's because of my fear that I'll never find love. Or maybe I just need somebody...
On to better things, I've got my new aquarium! It's a 60 gallon tank, so it's a really nice size. When I originally bought it, my plan was to place it on a big oak table I have. Well, that wasn't a good idea, because the tank with all of the decor, water, rocks, and fish could weigh upwards of 700lbs! 700!!! So, I had to go back out and buy an aquarium cabinet. It damn near weighs 100lbs itself! I didn't get any fish yet, because I want the water in it to set up (losing the chemicals that the water dept puts into it) for two weeks, and then I'm getting live plants first, and then after a couple of days, the fish. I decided to go with fresh water because of ease of maintenance and cost, and availability of plants and fish. Bala sharks are the fish of choice, mainly because I like how they look and they are very clean fish. They swim in schools, so I'll probably pick up 7 or 9. I'm going to get other fish, but these are the only ones I'm decided on so far. When it's done I'll post pics!
I broke things off with my gf on the first of January, and have moved on. Not into a new relationship, but into taking care of me, getting my life back. I don't want to be with her because of how things were. The bad far outweighed the good, and the only thing of interest to her near the end was money/what I could do for her. There was no reciprocation. I'm happy and good now, but I have been dreaming about her as of late. They are those beginning of the relationship sweet dreams we have when things are new. This is confusing me, and I have been tempted to make contact. I don't know if my heart (loves too easily) is trying to outweigh my brain. I really have no regrets by splitting up with her, so why now, three months later am I having these dreams/feelings? I think it's because of my fear that I'll never find love. Or maybe I just need somebody...
On to better things, I've got my new aquarium! It's a 60 gallon tank, so it's a really nice size. When I originally bought it, my plan was to place it on a big oak table I have. Well, that wasn't a good idea, because the tank with all of the decor, water, rocks, and fish could weigh upwards of 700lbs! 700!!! So, I had to go back out and buy an aquarium cabinet. It damn near weighs 100lbs itself! I didn't get any fish yet, because I want the water in it to set up (losing the chemicals that the water dept puts into it) for two weeks, and then I'm getting live plants first, and then after a couple of days, the fish. I decided to go with fresh water because of ease of maintenance and cost, and availability of plants and fish. Bala sharks are the fish of choice, mainly because I like how they look and they are very clean fish. They swim in schools, so I'll probably pick up 7 or 9. I'm going to get other fish, but these are the only ones I'm decided on so far. When it's done I'll post pics!
So, I was gone for quite a while I suppose, and have been back for just over a month. I'm trying to reconnect with all of the friends I've made here, but so many have left, kinda makes me sad.
Have you ever gone back and looked at your older blogs? That's what I have been doing this evening and does it take me back. A lot has changed in the six years I've been here (on and off) with me, my life, the site, the girls... It seems there may have been some huge shift over the past year here that I missed.
I do still love it here, and I've been making new friends to fill the void the others made when they left. There are some who's accounts say "reactivate this account", but I don't know if they would want it reactivated. There are others who just left, "this person is no longer active" and some others who disappeared completely (PhoenixLeah for instance). I will always wonder what became of them, how they are getting on, etc.
Oh well, life goes on I suppose
When I recently came back to SG, I made an effort to try to get back in touch with all of my friends here since. I have been about 88.537% successful and but I think that is because they haven't gotten my messages or comments yet. The ones who I have talked to have been happy that I'm back. All except one.
This person was one of the reasons I came back, we were really good friends (at least that's what I thought) and used to chat all the time. I did my best to be there for her when I was here, because she was going through a lot. I noticed she made a blog yesterday, so in an attempt to reconnect, I left a comment telling her I missed her. I must have misread the blog, because she decided to blow up at me about it. This ic a click and paste of her message to me:
"are you fucking stupid?!?! THEY ARE IN MY PHOTO SECTION!! DUH! why have you always been so annoyingly dense man???
i would like it if you stopped bothering me and acting like we are best fucking friends...i dont like you. you have done NOTHING to help me in years so i dont consider you a friend...please just stop it with the annoying comments...i see i have a comment and am hapy then i see its from you and just pisses me off!!!! so go away!
TO ME, you are nothing but a reminder of failure...so please stop bugging me"
I never said anything about being besties, or even eluded to it, I just merely stated that I missed her.
I didn't know being someones friend entailed doing stuff for them, and the fact that I hadn't in years... Me being a reminder of failure? Well, I do pretty well for myself, so I'm guessing she's the failure, but for some reason blaming me and I really don't know why.
How sad is she that somebody leaving a comment pisses her off? My guess is she's always been like this, and will continue to be until she realizes that sometimes life happens and people lose touch, and people aren't friend with others to see what they can get out of them.
I messaged her back, and it may have been a bit scathing, but you don't come and fuck with me and not expect to be filleted. I am the same way when someone fucks with my friends so tread lightly.
I know most of the time I'm a sweet, good natured person who loves more than he can manage. I do nothing but send love out to all of my friends here and will continue to do so as long as I can, but I wasn't going to take that.
I could mention her name, but that would be an asshole move and I'm above that.
This person was one of the reasons I came back, we were really good friends (at least that's what I thought) and used to chat all the time. I did my best to be there for her when I was here, because she was going through a lot. I noticed she made a blog yesterday, so in an attempt to reconnect, I left a comment telling her I missed her. I must have misread the blog, because she decided to blow up at me about it. This ic a click and paste of her message to me:
"are you fucking stupid?!?! THEY ARE IN MY PHOTO SECTION!! DUH! why have you always been so annoyingly dense man???
i would like it if you stopped bothering me and acting like we are best fucking friends...i dont like you. you have done NOTHING to help me in years so i dont consider you a friend...please just stop it with the annoying comments...i see i have a comment and am hapy then i see its from you and just pisses me off!!!! so go away!
TO ME, you are nothing but a reminder of failure...so please stop bugging me"
I never said anything about being besties, or even eluded to it, I just merely stated that I missed her.
I didn't know being someones friend entailed doing stuff for them, and the fact that I hadn't in years... Me being a reminder of failure? Well, I do pretty well for myself, so I'm guessing she's the failure, but for some reason blaming me and I really don't know why.
How sad is she that somebody leaving a comment pisses her off? My guess is she's always been like this, and will continue to be until she realizes that sometimes life happens and people lose touch, and people aren't friend with others to see what they can get out of them.
I messaged her back, and it may have been a bit scathing, but you don't come and fuck with me and not expect to be filleted. I am the same way when someone fucks with my friends so tread lightly.
I know most of the time I'm a sweet, good natured person who loves more than he can manage. I do nothing but send love out to all of my friends here and will continue to do so as long as I can, but I wasn't going to take that.
I could mention her name, but that would be an asshole move and I'm above that.
I have decided to get a fish tank. I've had one before, but nothing too serious, only a 20 gallon starter tank. This time I want to get something more serious.
I went looking yesterday and decided to get a 60 gallon tank, with all of the high end filtration, lighting, and airation I could get. Now the decision is coming down to fresh water or marine? Marine has become a lot more easy to take care of, and the fish tend to be a tot more colorful, but the availability of fresh water fish is better. Hmm... decisions, decisions.
The deciding factor in me getting into this is my niece. We went to the pet store yesterday and she didn't wan't to leave the aquarium section, not even to see the puppies and kittens!
If anybody has experience with aquariums and fresh or marine fish, please give me advise on how to take care of them, I should be pretty good, but any pointers would be appreciated.
I went looking yesterday and decided to get a 60 gallon tank, with all of the high end filtration, lighting, and airation I could get. Now the decision is coming down to fresh water or marine? Marine has become a lot more easy to take care of, and the fish tend to be a tot more colorful, but the availability of fresh water fish is better. Hmm... decisions, decisions.
The deciding factor in me getting into this is my niece. We went to the pet store yesterday and she didn't wan't to leave the aquarium section, not even to see the puppies and kittens!
If anybody has experience with aquariums and fresh or marine fish, please give me advise on how to take care of them, I should be pretty good, but any pointers would be appreciated.
I keep forgetting that I'm supposed to question everything. Sometimes I allow myself to be blinded by things... I let my guard down. It's a weakness that I need to work on.
Don't get me wrong, I love the rain, but just not when it's the wrong time of year.
I should be getting SNOW! But noooo, it's got to be in the 50's and rainy. What a terrible winter.
The snowmobile sits waiting for some powder over hardpack.
The trails sit waiting for a blanket and the groomer to make it all nice.
My snowsuit hangs mockingly in the closet letting me know it's supposed to be at least 30 degrees colder.
As I type this, the temps are hovering near freezing, but just far enough away so my windows won't have any frost on them in the morning, and then another day in the mid 40's to a possible 50.
Maybe I have to move further north...
I should be getting SNOW! But noooo, it's got to be in the 50's and rainy. What a terrible winter.
The snowmobile sits waiting for some powder over hardpack.
The trails sit waiting for a blanket and the groomer to make it all nice.
My snowsuit hangs mockingly in the closet letting me know it's supposed to be at least 30 degrees colder.
As I type this, the temps are hovering near freezing, but just far enough away so my windows won't have any frost on them in the morning, and then another day in the mid 40's to a possible 50.
Maybe I have to move further north...
When it first happened, I had no real sadness, because of the way I was treated towards the end. I made the decision, one I never thought I could, and ended it. I don't think she thought I would be able to either, it seemed to be a surprise. She thought I would be an endless supply of gifts, money, trips...
With valentines Day here I miss her, she was young, beautiful, and fun to be with. I've been very tempted to call, email, message, or text her. Here it is, a month and a half later and I'm starting to feel the sadness, I keep remembering the good times we had, going to the beach, going for walks or bike rides,taking care of her after surgery, just being with her. I keep trying to tell myself that's all that there ever was, I'm pushing all of the bad things into a hole to bury them. Thing is, that hole would be much larger than the one I'd bury the good in.
I need strength
With valentines Day here I miss her, she was young, beautiful, and fun to be with. I've been very tempted to call, email, message, or text her. Here it is, a month and a half later and I'm starting to feel the sadness, I keep remembering the good times we had, going to the beach, going for walks or bike rides,taking care of her after surgery, just being with her. I keep trying to tell myself that's all that there ever was, I'm pushing all of the bad things into a hole to bury them. Thing is, that hole would be much larger than the one I'd bury the good in.
I need strength
Why are you so elusive? Every night I chase you for hours, and when I'm thinking I'm close, you prove to be just out of reach. You never come to me as you should, and when you finally do it's too late and I have to fight you off. Lets meet in the middle. Don't make me chase so hard and I'll let you take me for as long as I can.
Finally, I have made it back. I have had a bad time of it, and the worst the last couple of weeks of last year and the first of the new year. My grandmother's health started failing a couple weeks before Christmas, and was really bad the days before. One bright spot was the Elvis impersonator that showed up at her assisted living facility. It would be the last time I saw her with that fire she always had in her eye. We visited with her every day, we spent Christmas Eve and Christmas with her. I went the following day, and when I went to her room, she was sleeping. My mom, sister, uncle, one of my cousins, and a couple of aunts were there. There was a lady that wanted to talk to my mom about continuing care and what options there were for the future. she and my mother and aunts went outside of the room to talk and my uncle left for a Dr's appointment. While my cousin and I were in there, we were talking to my grandma as she slept. I told her I love her, and to my surprise she said it back. Those were the last words she would speak. Her breathing became more and more shallow. It sounded like she was clearing her throat, but she never took another breath. The sound I heard was called the "Death Rattle" and I'll never forget it. My grandma was one of the toughest strongest people I ever knew, she always spoke her mind, and she was very protective of all of us. I was her favorite. I know that's wrong in some people's eyes, but her and I were very close. I would visit her as much as I could. If I'd get the chance, I was there. I miss her, and I know I always will.
During the week following my grandmother's death, I was having a very hard time of it. While at the wake, I was sitting alone so I txted my girlfriend. She asked me to text after I left because she didn't think I should be txting there. I told her that I was texting her because I needed outside contact, all the people at the wake were in the same state of mind as I was so I needed a fresh thought. She started telling me I was being over dramatic! She said I was making a big deal of things! Her exact words,"It just seems like you're laying it on thick. It's okay to be sad, just don't be looking for a pity party". That's when I realized that she wasn't the type of person who would be there for me, and that made her not the type of person I'd want to be with. I broke up with her a couple days later, on New Years Day.
So there I was, everything was lost, I lost two people I loved dearly. One died, the other showed their true colors. I've been slowly rebuilding, feeling better day by day, week by week. I'll never get over the loss of my Grams, but I'm living with it. I know she'll always be in my heart.
During the week following my grandmother's death, I was having a very hard time of it. While at the wake, I was sitting alone so I txted my girlfriend. She asked me to text after I left because she didn't think I should be txting there. I told her that I was texting her because I needed outside contact, all the people at the wake were in the same state of mind as I was so I needed a fresh thought. She started telling me I was being over dramatic! She said I was making a big deal of things! Her exact words,"It just seems like you're laying it on thick. It's okay to be sad, just don't be looking for a pity party". That's when I realized that she wasn't the type of person who would be there for me, and that made her not the type of person I'd want to be with. I broke up with her a couple days later, on New Years Day.
So there I was, everything was lost, I lost two people I loved dearly. One died, the other showed their true colors. I've been slowly rebuilding, feeling better day by day, week by week. I'll never get over the loss of my Grams, but I'm living with it. I know she'll always be in my heart.
