Ever get that feeling where you can’t talk to anyone about what’s going on because most likely they are dealing with their own stuff, you just don’t want to bring them down, or you don’t want to hurt feelings? Well I sure am feeling that way right now… I am so confused on what to do. I like way to many girls, but I like this one more than the others… But I keep flirting with all of them because I feel if I don’t, I’m being a bad guy… I also feel bad that I might be leading them on and that is not what my intentions are. Which I know that by doing so I am leading them on… Shit is whack! I should just stop being friends with girls, period.
This girl that I really do like is pretty awesome. She is probably too awesome for a guy like me. She is fit, can dance, and is pretty and probably everything else; this is just what I know from her now.
I must be parading a façade every day or something because I look and feel pretty confident in myself usually and have made efforts to talk to people more often, but I gravitate towards women as of late and I feel like I’m just digging my own grave. Gemini like to be free and open spirited from what I’ve learned and like to jump from woman to woman, which I’ve been finding this to be pretty accurate to how I feel lately, but I don’t like that, I just want to get to know this one girl and just her… I hear it’s better to keep my options open and stuff, but I hate options, I just want things to go. For instance, I order a vegetarian Rueben from a restaurant here in town and depending on the cooks, it is always different, either way is awesome for me, I just want a vegetarian Rueben…
This doesn’t even make sense now… What I guess I’m really trying to say is I really like this one girl, but at the same time I’m liking other girls that I don’t like as much as her.
If you bothered reading this bologna, what do you think?

Well here goes my first blog post.

So I just recently had to decide for sure my separation and divorce of my wife. I do/did not want to do this because I love her, but she doesn't love me. She meant everything to me and I fucked up. I just wish she could have let me prove one last time that I really do need her in my life and that I could make her happy again, but she didn't give me that chance when she stopped me from trying to move on the last time. She said she was sorry for whatever reason she was, she didn't have a reason to be sorry, it was my fault. I was about to see someone else at that time, but she came to me wanting to try to fix things, so I dropped the relationship with the other person so we could work things out. Then one of her best friends had passed away, so she went to her home and stayed for the funeral and on to heal. She came back, I thought things were going to start working out then, but all of a sudden, she meets someone at a DnD game. My world got dropped hard and shattered pretty much. I was doing what I could for her when she wanted to try, then bam, no more.

I had my last lunch with her and we talked things over. I let her know that I could not be friends with her with my feelings to her, it would just hurt to much. It still hurts though, she was my best friend, she knew me and I trusted her with every secret I had, everything. She says I was hers, but towards the end, I didn't feel like I was anymore. It will be a long time before I can really share a life with someone as amazing as she was.

I just don't really know what to do anymore. I've decided I want to start changing the really bad things in my life, like cussing and anger. I'm also not ever going to touch marijuana or alcohol ever again, especially now when I just want to drink myself to death. I will keep on wishing, but unfortunately, shit fills space faster than a wish can or ever will.