"Became over, and over...a slave..."

One of these days I'm going to break out of this funk. 's just a case of when I'll want to bad enough.

I have been single for two years, now. I haven't gotten laid in one. It's to the point where I am comfortable being alone, but at the same time I do get lonely. Even with all that, I refuse to let myself get (too) depressed. There is an idea out there that one can choose to be happy. I think this is true, partly because this accords with my belief that one's own will influences one's universe. "What I will is what will be."

Of course, that's also assuming that you have a strong will to make such a statement true, and that you want something that much. I like to think that I have a strong will, but I know it's not as strong as it should be. Still out on the decision of whether I want to find someone for a relationship, though.

"Everything you know is wrong."

I hate feeling stupid.

What is the good?

I have a stable job, making a decent amount. I've a vehicle that works well, and a nice apt.

What is the bad?

My job is like a velvet-lined cage. I sit and do nothing, most days. My life has gotten into a rut; the pattern is much the same from day to day, week to week. I can feel my passion for life, my strength, ebbing to the banality of the everyday life.

And yet...I'm not doing much about it. The contradiction is obvious: but why does it exist at all?

From 0 to speed, from boredom to activity. The world is changing around me, my life is changing a bit (moving...it's good that my life changes, but I hate moving), and best of all, the Ren Faire and several badass concerts are coming up (e.g. saw Sonata Arctica on Monday, Flogging Molly next weekend). It's not much of a life, but damn, if it isn't fun.

"'Someday my dream will come.' One night you'll wake up and you'll discover it never happened. It's all turned around on you and it never will. Suddenly you are old, didn't happen and it never will, 'cause you were never going to do it anyway."

- Vincent, "Collateral"

There are very few times that listening to live music causes me to need a cold shower. However, Amy Steinberg is an example of this. Check her out.

I'm lonely. And it's only my own fault.

What a strange, strange day. Weird thoughts running through my head.

I'm at a new job for a little over a month now, and around lunch time today I start thinking: wouldn't it be cool to not have to move around anymore? To maybe find someplace permanent, and live there? Maybe find some sweet young thing, and settle down with her?

From there, it occurred to me: I never really planned anything in my life beyond what's directly in front of me. In school, this was easy: what was in front of me was the next semester, and a degree. Now, I have a degree, I have what looks to be a stable job, and I'll be moving into a new place in a few months. What next?

A friend of mine asked me what I saw myself doing in ten years. I told him I had no idea. I don't really have any dreams for the future; I don't have much in the way of hopes beyond what I've already done. I can see 1, maybe 2 years into my own future in terms of what I want, but anything beyond that might as well be an eternity away. It's kinda weird I guess, but it's all I have.