First off in response to my last blog and all the comments i got. I understand that the world has always been obsessed with this stuff. But when i was younger i didn't see the world like that. I never cared about the hottest new technology and the coolest clothes and i didn't even know about sex till i was in highschool.( i still remember the first time i got a boner and had NO fucking clue what it was... i thought i just had to pee lol) I look at myself and the world and i want it to be like that again. I want the world to look fun and innocent again and i hate that it isn't and i think that bairdduvessa said it best

I hate that hell i mean look at songs from back in the day and now. Back then they would be sweet and soft and subtle talking about sex. i Love that now.. They just say i wanna fuck you and make you scream and They talk about women like they are just pieces of fucking meat... especially in rap songs and it pisses me off.


Well i do have good news. I had a Job interview the other day. I actually got called for it like... 20 minutes after i left the last blog lol But i didnt want to get all excited and talk about it on here and have it go to shit. Cause i would have gotten my hopes all up and had them crashed and if i have learned one thing in the last few months its that not to get your hopes up expecting things to go for the best. I expect things to just go ok now and that way i am not crushed as much when they fail..... .but saying that the interview went very good. I have a second one on saturday. its not a GREAT job. But its a job and it will help me to get back on my feat.

Thats really it for right now but thats a great thing
Oh and for any of you who live IN chicago area or are gonna be in the chicago area on the 26th i am planning my second annual birthday bash at NEO. I will have E-Invites made up soon hopefully and will start dishing them out. So anyone who is interested in going let me know.

Don't forget to head on over and say hi to my friend LindyToasT

Out of boredom i Looked up a song i have not heard in AGES and here it is for all to enjoy:

So I can't sleep and I'm feeling depressed
I'm getting depressed by something that tends to get me depressed a lot.
I hate the fact that i didn't wait till I'm married to have sex. I know most people now will think I'm crazy but i do. I always said to everyone that i was gonna wait till i was married cause i wanted to only be with the oerson i was gonna marry. Everyone made fun of me.... hell even my aunt Cindy laughed in my face and made fun of me for it. But i held strong till i met my ex fiance. We were both virgins and wanted to wait. Soon after we got engaged we were talking about sex and decided that since we were gonna get married anyways that it was ok for us to have sex since we would still be the only person that we were with.
We eventually ended... BADLY
I didn't date or even have sex for almost 2 years. When i finally started dating again i had problems with girls cause i didn't have sex. I would get depressed about it and eventually i had sex again. It did nothing but mess me up. I had a relationship with my now ex Samantha(we're still very close friends). She was as understanding as one can expect someone to be but the fact that i went back and forth about sex made things hard. I couldn't decide if i wanted sex in the relationship or not. I loved sex but i hated myself for not waiting. The relationship eventually ended and that was a large part of it. I would actually cry during or after sex for a long time. I would dread it and it scared me alot. still kinda does although i don't cry anymore.
Since then (that was about 3 years ago) i have slowly become more comfortable with sex in my life but....
i still think about it and look back and hate myself for not waiting. I only wanted to be with one person. The same person my entire life. The woman i loved and would love forever and ever. But i didn't and all i can think is I'm a piece of shit because of it
I hate myself for not being strong enough to wait. If i had one wish if i could go back and change one thing in my life... i never would have had sex.... i woudl stil be a virgin.

So as i stated in my last blog Medicaid pretty much fucked me over spit in my face and told me to fuck of.
Which admittidly pissed me off. But i did not let it get me down. I knew i was on the right track and actually doing something about my heart.
So my mom found a place that has free health care.
Their slogan thing says

CommunityHealth is a volunteer-based organization that provides free health care services, education, outreach and advocacy for the uninsured and underserved ... because no one should go without health care.

So i went in today. Filled out the application and i have an apointment to see a doctor on april 21st. its just the basic check up but it is the start of getting everything taken care of and i can go see a doctor when i need to now. They also told me since i am having the chest pains and heart palpitations that if they et bad to JUST go to the ER and they will have it covered

So i went today to get Illinois Medicaid so that i can go to the doctor and get everything done that needs to be done to get checked on.... Turns out I am not elligible for it.
Its very much bullshit. There are two reasons i am not eligible
1. I'm a white male. Not joking in the least bit. If i was a woman i would have a chance to be eligible or if i was a minority i would have a chance to be eligible. But since i am both white and male unless i can prove i am fully dissabled in someway i am not eligible.
2. I would have to have to go se a few doctors and bring proof that i am in need or dissabled. Doctors i can not afford to go see cause i don't have insurance or medicaid....

Its bullshit. I cant get medicaid without seeing a doctor but i cant afford to see a doctor with out medicaid....

I am gonna try to go to a free state run medical clinic. But from what i understand they are about as difficult as medicaid... so i honestly don't know what to do if that doesn't work

I'm really starting to get scared now.... I'm actually doing something about it and i still get nothing. I don't want to die because of this.... at least not now. I can't die alone. My biggest dream and hope was to be a good husband and father one day. Honestly nothing else has really mattered to me. If i can't get SOME sort of coverage and it means i can't get this taken care of .... i just don't want to die alone

Does anyone live in canada who would be willing to marry me? If i can't get coverage that is my next step probably.

For those of you who read this and are wondering what is going on read my last blog
here>>>

so.... I wanted to come on here and talk about something serious about me.
Its something i have told very few people but is something that effects me on an almost daily basis and scares me alot.
As a small hand full of you know i suffer from a genetic disorder called Marfan Syndrome. The basics of it is that it is the deterioration of muscles and joints in the body. (its more complicated but I'm not going into it) This causes by joints to ache and hurt and i have had this problem my whole life. I have hard times holding pens or even typing for a long period of time.
But this is the least of my problems. Unfortunately it also effects some of my organs. The one in particular that is of most worry and fear is that it effects my heart. Since your heart is basically made up of muscles and connective tissues, I will more than likelly have to have heart surgery by the time I am 35.
I have been having chest pains for the past month and i know i really need to go to the doctor..... but I'm honestly scared to go. Its one thing to think that something could be wrong with me. But going to see a doctor and having the chance that he could tell me my heart is bad and that i NEED the surgery or even worse that i could die.... i just can't handle it.... I don't know what to do. I also don't have insurance so would have to go through state run stuff. I'm so scared. I've had trouble sleeping and even focusing most of the time since i have started having chest pains.


I'm scared and don't know what i should do.....

Sooooo i hung out with Jade again last night. We went out after she got off work again at 930. I had planned to go to one of my favorite Thai restaurants, Joy's Noodles, BUUUUUTT i forgot the fact that its a weekday and its only open till 10. So i ended up taking her to one of my favorite local restaurants Nookies Tree.
It was a very good choice. She loved it we had a great night eating and talking. I got to know so much about her last night. Keep finding out that we have tons in common. We came back to my place and watched Invader Zim and snuggled. She couldn't stay to long cause she had to catch a red line train home but we still got to spend some time together. She always seems kinda....... shocked when we come up with having more in common. Its kinda nice and cute.
She starts spring break next week and is going back home to Texas to visit friends and family. So either friday night or saturday we are gonna probably hang out.
She told me straight forward that she wants to get to know me before she starts anything serious which i understand and I am ok with. I told her she is a great woman and while i would love to date her i am more than happy to be friends with her and i look forward to spending lots of time with her and showing her around chicago.

Well first off no new word from Jade since i talked to her the other day but not gonna rush it or push it.

So yesterday I went out with my friend Kristin and her sister and mom to the Chicago St. Patrick's Day parade. I haven't been to it in ... YEARS. I had an amazing time. I wore green and screamed alot and got lots of beads and candy YAY! lol

Sadly though my St. Patrick's day didnt end the way it should have. I had 3 plans for the night.... and all three fell through and i won't drink alone so it ended the way most nights end so not a huge deal.I met a new friend online the other night who lives in Zurich and has an account with Skype so she has a chicago number that redirects directly to her phone there. So i spent the night talking to someone in ZURICH SWITZERLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was VERY cool. She has an AWESOME accent too. lol
Today i went out with my mom to a Blackhawks game ( for those of you who don't know they are chicago's hockey team). I again haven't been to a game in YEARS. My uncle used to have season tickets and would take me all the time as a child. Well i found out i LOVE hockey. This sport is fucking awesome. I have never been a big sports guy. I am a Cubs fan but i don't really fallow it for the most part and i ... HATE football. But i could easily see me fallowing the hawks and watching and going to games. To bad it is the end of the season. But that just gives me the rest of the year to collect a few hawks stuff and read up on them and maybe even get one of those dvds they have with the history of the team (i know a bit but would love to know more) Oh and being that its the St. Patrick's day game we got the traditional oft loved GREEN Blackhawks hat you can ONLY get as the promo on St. Patrick's day.