i really dislike myself right now (read as: i fucking hate the person that i am right now and have no idea how or when i let myself become an asshole)...

i always want to help my friends, but it recently seems like when i try to help, i tend to do more harm than help... this is a fairly recent development that i i really dislike (at least i hope it's recent). and of course since i'm me (and have issues anyway), it makes me hate me.

also, i broke my hand because i was stupid.

so, if you're reading this, stay away from me. i suck (for a number of reasons).

btw, this was meant as a rant, nothing more... if you read it, i'm sorry for wasting your time

You know what?... Probably not, so I'll fill you in.

First of all, I broke my hand quite badly (the x-ray is in my pics section) a few days ago, so i now have to wear a silly-looking splint in order to retain long-term use of my pinky.


Also, I'm all hating life and depressed and shit, so all zero (or so) people who read this will have the honour of reading my favorite poetry from my angsty high school days. Here goes:




I look at myself in the mirror,
Not knowing what I'll see.
The face that stares back seems foreign;
Old, worn, and weathered.
It isn't me that looks back,
It's a stranger, like someone
I once met at a party.

A party -
A place for revelry;
A place for free-spirited fun,
Not a place to find love.
So why am I searching for it there?
Because I have used up all other options.
I am desparate, and lonely.

Lonliness can drive a man insane.
Having noone to talk to,
It can drive a man to insanity
And to desperation.
I am insane and desparate;
I need someone who cares for me,
Someone who likes me for who I am.

Who am I though?
A lonely old man.
That is not all I am,
But will anyone notice
That I am three-dimensional?
Of course not.
They will all say, "What a poor, poor soul."

Perhaps I am a poor soul,
But I will put on a good face
And search for someone else
Who doesn't quite fit in.
Then, I will go to them,
And ask for a dance.
But hope for love.

Love - what a strange term.
It's used in so many ways.
Yet I am looking for that special someone;
One that can hole me together
And make me a better person,
Just by being themself. So to find her,
I look at myself.

And I look at myself in the mirror...








And now, my naive long-winded definition of love...



When I'm near you,
It seems as if I'm partaking of the forbidden fruit;
Disobeying some unwritten, but very real law.
One wouldn't thank that any earthly thing
Could make me experience the emotions you cause,
But every time you're near,
It seems as though I'm being blessed by something celestial.
My body starts to melt into nothingness,
As my consciousness blends with my celestial being,
Allowing me tosee the greater meaning in everything.
In short, you help me reach a higher plane.
Without you, I'm nothing.
With you, I'm everything.




if anyone reads this, please feel free to offer feedback

So, went down to my standard Fourth tradition last night out on the rugby field, and was having a good time... Then, all of a sudden, a mortar shell flew accross the field and hit me in the face. Ow. Though, I guess I'm just lucky as hell, as it hit me right in the cheek bone, so if the shell had been just a quarter inch higher, it would have almost certainly taken out my eye.

Oh, also, Las Vegas was pretty sweet. Lost some money, but that's kind of the way it goes, eh?

So, I suppose another update will be fun.

Work is still going pretty good, working on an academic paper to submit for publication, which is kind of nice. Also, the company is paying for a free week-long trip to Vegas for a machine-learning conference down there, which is pretty freakin' sweet, if I do say so myself.

Other than that, my life is lame and boring.

Ugh... I had surgery last Saturday and have been mostly bed-ridden for the last week. It is not exactly the most desirable place to be, but it happanes I suppose.

At least they gave me a prescription for a whole bunch of oxycodone, right?

Ugh... Head hurts.

Anyways, I have been not so absolutely happy the last few days. Kind of a general crappitude that seems to rear its ugly head every now and then. But shit, I guess that's just life, huh?

(Isaac and I drunkenly watching "Jesus Christ Supercop")


Me: I love that it's a Nintendo 64.
Isaac: No, it's a Sega Genesis.
Me: No it's not.
Isaac: Oh, you're totally right. It is Nintendo 64.
Me: The Genesis totally had black cartridges.
Isaac: Well, some of them were grey. Steve Madden Football was grey.... Umm...
Me: You mean John McQueen football?
[both of us crack up laughing for a good three minutes.]






If you don't think it's funny, I feel sad for you. And you should try to put yourself in the moment... Because it was quite the instantaneous reaction on my part, and it was fuckin' great. Oh, and everyone should watch Jesus Christ Supercop.

So last night, I had quite the strange dream... I had one of those, dream within a dream things, where I kept on waking up in my dream, and things would happen, then (still in my dream of course), I'd go back to sleep. Quite the strange way to wake up in the morning, trying to figure out if you're actually awake.

I hate it when I get broke enough that I have to take bottles and cans back so that I have cash.

It sucks the major ass.

So, I must say, strippaoke is awesome. I tend to feel uncomfortable in strip clubs, and tend to be mostly indifferent about karaoke... Yet somehow, when strip clubs and karaoke come together, it is pure, wholesome American entertainment.

Oh, and people who don't know "Baby Got Back" shouldn't try to do it in a karaoke setting... Seriously. It's painful.