I'm still here...sorta.
I havn't been on in like a month or so...but i logged on cause my internet connection is waaaaaaaaay better now that the cable man came to fix it.
I feel so inbetween lately...i think i am driving myself crazy.
Too much streeeeeeeeessssss!!

<3

Things have been really crazy lately...deadlines are all coming up for the month of August/September....on top of that as of 2 days ago, i'm getting sued.
Yeah...sued. For the total amount of $1197.82
WTF? i'm 23 and not yet ready to deal with things of this nature...that and i need a divorce still. AHHHHHHH!
Although with all this stress and weird events i have broken old habits and routine....i'm getting out there more and seeing the town.
August my lease on this place is up and i'm supposed to be moving to Portland, OR. We have the application for a one bedroom on 21st and Hawthorne Blvd. Plus we know the manager and she even knocked off like $30 on the rent...we just have to pass the credit screening...hopefully me getting served a lawsuit won't deture them to give it to us.
I turn 24 this August too....i want to go to school
My engine in the car is still broken and that has to be fixed before we can move too.
I've been drinking vodka more lately...it makes me smile through all the mess....bad? perhaps but i like to smile and laugh more than i like to cry and self-pity.
I'm getting sued by a debt collection agency because of a 2 year old hospital bill....and it's not even a double digit debt...so i'm confused. Are they really that desperate for $1200, i mean...come the fuck on!
I'm not going to let this ruin my life, it'll get fixed and go away eventually and then i have to move on to the next issue at hand...like making sure getting divorced isn't going to screw my whole life up.
The thing is he wants to file for bankrupsy after we get divorced but if he does that...the car he bought which i co-signed for him and he got reposessed...that debt would rest on my shoulders and well....i'm already getting sued, i don't want to be responsible for his debt as well...that's bullshit.
We havn't talked to eachother in a really long time now so i have to make sure he won't do it after we get divorced or we'll have to both file together and even though it'll fuck my credit...it doesn't matter cause it's already fucked now as it is...not as bad as some people, it's miniscule in comparison to some. i only have a couple credit cards but if this car debt gets added on top of my bills i will seriously want to commit Hara kiri .
that is all... i just wanted to update finally.

Thank you all <3

I got a new camera....go see my flickr and comment! i will have to get busy and post more

Oops i forgot to post a link!

I wish i didn't feel like dying. hopeless, lost, fuck-all attitude. I can't change anything...i've hit a low. BIGTIME.

<3 I still love you all though...just not myself

So I've survived the Gogol Bordello show...and it kicked some heavy duty ass. SOooooooooo much energy it was unbelievable. It was sold out and there was no opening band, just a European DJ called Scratchy...he was pretty awesome, he has his own show on FM.net. They came out and played an amazing TWO hour set! came back onstage THREE times, everytime it was more and more energetic and outstanding. I think everyone should attend at least one of their shows in their lifetime. You can tell how much they love what they do.

SO, my vacation is complete, and it was all well worth it and relaxing. 9 days and i only got drunk one day. I don't regret it, i feel great. I still wish i would've gone out to Devils Point for my birthday but it wasn't possible. We got the shoulder strap seatbelt installed in the car and had Jon's daughter Della overnight one night and my mom stayed at our place for 2 nights so any night it would've been possible it wouldn't have been appropriate but i got any other night when i do have money. I've been kinda broke and job searching so it didn't seem right to go out to a stripclub yet. I have certain rules about attending a stripclub and one of those rules is to have lots of money so you can tip everyone...yes, even your DJ...if he deserves it....and hey! you might even get a drink out of it, for being so nice I've been thanked graciously loads of times.

I also got to go to Newport for my birthday like i wanted. Mom drove jon and i to the Oregon Coast Aquarium which i've been dying to go to since they got the shark tube put in which has been quite a long time now. We didn't get home till 11:30pm and we'd left at 8:30am. Mom wanted to drive back to vancouver by way of going to Astoria first which is pretty out of the way so we got "lost" due to the stupid dark and mom's lack of night driving skills and poor navigation do-hicky thingymabob. Jon got us back home and we all passed the fuck out. We stopped at the Rogue Brewery to eat while in Newport and went to some neat shops. Also stopped off at the cheese factory in Tillamook. What a smelly town...i'd forgotten how horrible cows are. I'm so glad i was never raised on a farm...it was bad enough being raised in Castle Rock.

On my actual birthday, Monday, i had friends and family over and had a big dinner with huge baked potatoes with cheese, real bacon, green onions, sour cream, butter...the WORKS and i made steamed asparagas with jack and cheddar cheese sauce and baked it with italian breadcrumbs on top, and garden burgers with everything on em. It was quite the dinner, we all got so full we couldn't even stomach more than a couple beers. I had just one...and like 2 cokes. Mom and Jon both bought me a peice of chocolate cake for my birthday. I still have some cause it's so rich i've just been picking bites off it when i feel the need. I've also been watching Season one of Six Feet Under cause my freinds josh and heidi have the complete series and have been nice enough to feed my addiction...YAY!

WEnt to see the horrorpops last night and it was wonderful, spotted "Committed Suicide" and "Marie" briefly at the show, i love being in Portland. Anyhow i should get ready for my first day back to work...for however long i still have a job...they're shutting the building down in October and after that, i don't have a job...the department of Transportation bought out the Kindred Facility to put a freeway ramp there. fuckers.

-Peanut Sauce over chicken, steamed veggies and rice=Amazing.
-Jon Goddamn Langdon=my favorite!
-Coffee with hazelnut carmel creamer=Mmmmmmmmmmm
-Black Flag=my tattoo
-I just cleaned my house for a couple hours and i'm still not finished to my liking....it's sick really.
-I have OCD
-Go visit my myspace page....doooooo itttttt!
Van Gogh Gogh's page!
-I heart Billy Idol...
-I also heart Bee Jellyfish for indirectly introducing me to the band Notwist.
-I'm getting sick of cats who arn't mine trashing my house when my roomate is only here 2 days a week if that. And then i have to clean up after them all the time cause...like i said, OCD. i hate having a dirty house, grrrrrr.
-I miss my roomate ALOOOOOOOT though, i love her and she is my bestfriend.
-Today i'm going downtown portland to go clothes shopping, i need clothes terribly, said cats pissed on my clothes and i'm mad.
-%50 off all Dickies apparell...HELL YEAH!!!!!
-Godamn i love thai food....
-this entry is re-godamn-diculous
-i want to go eat custard at Sheridans with heidi later! and probably will.
-that is all for now. Love you guys!
-one more thing...i really love this picture, ALOT!

Soooo, i read so many blogs on SG now, it's almost like an addiction, i just wait for my favorite SG's to post cool stuff....but then noticed that i don't post...EVER. Mostly because my main blog i post in is on myspace...so i guess if you do wanna read all the grisley details of my marriage falling apart, that's where you'd go but now that i'm feeling spiffy-er, i suppose i should update regularly on SG as well, since i'm a rabid reader of other's blooooooogggs. god that word is silly....kinda like when you say a word over and over again till it doesn't make sense, except with BLOG you only have to say it once. i'm having a nutso morning, i think i slept too long and now i'm drinking buttloads of coffee before i take off to work, so i'll be a jittery machine of COOKNESS! Oh yeah so there is alot i should catch up on.....I've not yet got my divorce and that sucks but i did run away to Vancouver, WA. Got my car stolen at Lloyd Center Mall, got it back with a cracked radiator, possible blown head gasket...ummm, have to get a copy of the police report and bring it to the Multnoma county courthouse....i got mad behind on all my bills to move cause i was promised money by said douchebag ex and he didn't pay up....so now he's saying i owe him money cause he didn't get the power shut off at our old apartment that he up and moved out of leaving me in charge of paying everything.....shit. anyhow, now i live with my new beau Jon in Vancouver and things feel swimingly, except for being broke all the time, but he did save me by buying me a new radiator which he's going to install when it comes in at Shucks...yay! Especially YAY for having someone who treats me so good, FINALLY! i can see what a real adult relationship should be like. it's about time...i know, i know, i'm only 22...so what, i paid my dues, for sho...
Oh and we just got our copy of Pan's Labyrinth yesterday!!! YAY!!! I Loooooove that movie! That was our Valentines Day Date Movie. HeeHee. Sorry i never have any pics to post, i don't have a digi-camera nor is my scanner up and running right now cause my compy won't let me re-install it since i moved, my top disc drive is tits up. It just makes these horrible grinding noises. I think once all the important stuff is taken care of, like making sure our cars are running better and paying my ex off so he'll leave me alone forever, and making sure i get to eat on a regular basis...i may get to have a digital camera so i can post peeeeekters of my Goofy Ass Face...all day long... This little emoticon is alot like what my face would look like actually, except it would have pink, blue and purple hair on it.....ERRRRRRRRRRRRRR! i really want to post pics of my new hair now...and i'm bitter cause i can't have a badass camera That's what i look like now....poo.
Let's see, what else has happened?...besides still unpacking and i've lived here for almost 3 months now...hehehe. I made a new friend on SG....DRI YAY for friends! god i'm totally wired this morning for sho. NYARRR...that's what i gotta say. i want a luchador mask....like i really do, seriously.
...i don't want much do i
I'm still trying to think about what else has been going on in my life...OHHHHHH, i went on my first real hike last month, up a mountain...called Silverstar, about an hour away from where i live...it was awesome til we hit the snow that was 3ft. deep and i'm only 5ft 3in. so it was really really hard and i fell down alot, some of the time i was laughing but after awhile it wasn't so funny anymore cause by that time my feet hurt and i didn't have the proper shoes on(i had on Doc Martins) like i said, first time hiking! and so after i caught up i got to walk back through it to go back down the mountain....but i got buns of steal and felt very accomplished afterward. I did lose 10 pounds after moving to Vancouver...probably cause for the longest time after my husband left me i just didn't eat...i know, stoooooooopid. i eat now, believe you me, i eat the shit outta some food. anyhow i'm gonna go for now, my coffee keeps getting cold cause i can't stop typing!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH! i'll type more later, i PROMISE! i'm not a bastard in the non-literal sense.

I'm hoping August proves to be a much better month than July was. July was a big fat smelly cunt that punched me in the face repeatedly. By the looks of the day i've had so far...I'm still holding out hope for August to be the superior month out of the two of them. So if some people are wondering why i havn't got ahold of them in a while or why i'm being anti-social...hope these things answer your questions. And i'll try harder this time.

First...on July 16th i think it was, i almost fucking drowned. The river kicked my fucking ass and apparently wanted this ass dead! I'm traumatized and i really don't want to be submerged in water EVER AGAIN. Fuck that noise...all that noise. We were still floating on the river at 11pm...keep in mind this was a sunday, i had to get up and work the next day, meanwhile bats are flying over my head and misquitos were eating my blood and i was getting cold cause i was only in a tank top and shorts on a raft in the fucking dark. Now, at first i fucking loved it, being on the river, going over rapids...it was a first time thing for me and it was beautiful...but after the first couple hours, Tearsa and i came around a bend in the river and there were these not-so-worrysome rapids...no biggie, right? Nah...it was bloody hell, is what it was...it took us strait towards these wooden fence-like things and in front of those wooden things was big jagged peices of metal from the old bridge and a big metal pole...these two things were very close together, and thank fuck Tearsa's raft was tied to mine otherwise i'd be fucking dead. She kicked off where she didn't want our rafts to go and she grabbed onto the pole and my raft smacked into hers from the not-so-worrysome rapids and i flipped over and i was stuck under both rafts...charlie horses in both legs. I can't swim and i come up spewing water from my lungs holding on to the raft for dear life. Sucked Balls alright. I made it out obviously! Hours later still no bridge in site...that is where the ride is parked. We never made it to that bridge...we had no oars left...and my dignity went right along with them oars...somewhere deep in that water...cause i'm an idiot. We got out on the shore and i suggest we just walk to the nearest road cause we had no fucking idea where we were on the river and it was pitch black and i was fucking terrified...i wanted to go home and take a fucking shower like no other. i had to get up at 5:30am the next day...i was not prepared for this shit. So we walk and some chicks in a jeep pull over and give Jess a ride to her car..THANK FUCK! we're saved!! we made it home around 12 or 12:30am...i took a shower and got up for work the next day like the little trooper i am. I felt like i got the shit kicked outta me though...for days i felt like shit....

Then...the next morning i get up to go to work. I'm wondering where the fuck my keys are cause i don't see them anywhere in the house. I go out to the car...they were in the ignition. I had left my car on...all night. Not running but just clicked on...Enough for the battery to be fucking DEAD! So i go in wake Dan up who has only had about 2 hours of sleep and he drives me to work...not without complaint, that's to be expected. I get a ride home from Erin B. and ask my roomate Ray about jumper cables when i get home. We didn't have any but he had a friend who did so he goes and picks them up and jumps my car, i let it run for awhile like he said, to make sure it keeps a charge, he had a pool tournament so he took off and i went in the house to pass the fuck out seeing as how i only got like 4 1/2 hours sleep. I could have slept forever! I felt like such a worthless dipshit for fucking up like that.

Got up the next day to go to work again, already running 10 minutes late on leaving, i go out to my car, turn the key...the poor thing made it's attempt at starting but to no avail. Yet again i had to go in and wake up Dan after he had been sleeping for a couple hours...cause he never goes to bed at at decent hour, EVER. I was pissed that my car wouldn't start and i was going to be late to work and he was just being a supreme dick about the whole thing...i knew it was my fault but i really didn't need the blame rubbed in like salt in the wound. And he told me there was no way he was doing this a third day in a row so i was going to have to "figure something out." I was so broke and broken i felt like dying....like i should've just stayed under that water....but i was being dramatic of course...and so while at work i called my mom for some help. She had the day off so she came and picked me up, took me home, took the battery outta my peice of shit car and took it over to United. All my cells were still good in the battery so they said they just needed to charge it up...but that they wouldn't have it ready for me that day...i would have to leave it overnight, and i still had to work the next day. Shit! So my boss happened to call me and ask me about some days i had requested off and i told her i didn't know how i was getting to work the next morning and she offered to pick me up...cause she is an amazing boss. Tearsa had the day off so she was thankfully able to come to my rescue after work, she picked my ass up and took me over to go get my battery and took me home to put it back in my car and test it....IT WORKED!! and it only costed me 3 days of finding rides too and from work and the financial amount of $5.75! WOOT!! Some speck of good news in between all the shit.

There were some good points in July it was just most of the second half of the month that sucked...like my finances were fucked!! and still are actually. Between all the shitty days and the drunken haze of the weekends i had forgotten to pay the cable/internet bill...they sent me a late notice...With the fucking bill...$300. Now if i'd had looked at it more carefully i would have realized that half of it didn't need payed until August 12th...i screwed myself and now i have $1 to last me until August 10th. I hope nothing else goes wrong cause i won't have the money to pay for it...and i hope i have enough gas in my car to last me the rest of the week.

Beside ALL of that mess...the last day of July i had an uber shit day at work, everything moved slow and it was just all around "Shit on Courtney Day" i get ready to leave work...late. Sherri, my stepmom, came in to see what time she works the next day and i come out of the bathroom and talk to her a bit...she tells me my Aunt Ginny passed away. THEN...she waits a bit and tells me..."i have something to tell you, i wanted to take you out to dinner to talk about this but you didn't work the other day, and i don't want to put this off...i'm divorcing your dad."

I've got a little brother mixed up in this whole deal, and it pisses me off that i find out that my dad hasn't changed one fucking bit. He's still a selfish peice of shit that will never amount to even the lowest forms of SHIT! He has been verbally abusing my now 6 year old brother, for i don't even know how long! Long enough for Sherri to have finally had enough, for both their sakes...and the dogs....apparently my peice of shit sperm donar had been beating the dog as well as being a stoopid drug addled poopface fucker. So Sherri's moved out with my brother Tyler and the dog. I can, of course, go over and visit anytime. I won't, however, be giving my dad another chance...he's had enough chances to change and to care about something and someone over himself and his selfish needs...and he fucking blew it, for the last fucking time. Fuck him, i don't need a Father now, i'm old enough and have been for along time now and i'm able to take care of myself. I'm going to stick to help caring for my little brother and making sure he grows up good and has a semi-normal childhood. I don't need a middle-aged baby to take care of, he dug his own grave and i'm going to let him fall in it...or boot him in.

I'm sorry this blog is so incredibly and rediculously long, i had alot of updating and bitching to do so i'm sorry to all who actually read this crap. i'm going to go eat now...maybe suffocate myself...i've had a shit day...so i hope things are better tomarrow. Perhaps i'll come back after a bit and tell ya'll how today went...i just spent far too much time telling how last month went to keep typing about today right now. Fuckers.

---C---

P.S. Hidden Cracks That Don't Show...But Constantly Just Grow

Yeah so i again, havn't been on in a long ass time, i'm trying to catch up, i've been so incredibly busy lately. My best freind moved in, i work 5 days a week, on top of that i'm incredibly lazy and yesterday dan and i picked up our marriage licence....fuck, dude.....2 weeks and i'm gonna be married. that is fucking insane, and i never thought it would happen. I'm going to be in Portland this weekend, Friday night at Devils Point, My freind Jon is turning the big 30! i don't think i'll get to have a bachlorette party so i'll celebrate while i'm out with Jon, and Dan will be there too so it's like a multi-celeratory thing i suppose....going to see hot naked ladies...my favorite Portland holds a special place in my heart. i feel more at home there than at my own home 45 minutes away. Maybe it's because i live in Methville, Washington where the hick ass fuckers live....people here are definatly not as accepting of my lifestyle here as they are in Portland. if i hold hands with a girlfriend here or kiss one of my friends in public we get really weird fuckin looks....i don't always notice it, but my friend does...i guess it's not ok to be a girl with peircings, tattoos, crazy hair, or be bisexual in Longview/Kelso Washington. I can't wait to move away from this place....i'll still have to come back often, but that is so i can see my mother. i fucking love my mom so much, i miss her right now. Actually i have alot of family here, since i just started to re-form a relationship with my father again....and my little brother, and my stepmom is pretty cool too. wow i'm a ramblin', so yeah anyways, me and my soon to be husband are highly considering to moving to Beaverton with a couple of our friends, who are our current roomates....hopefully sooner than later....it'll take awhile cause there is alot of money issues and Dan is getting into the Tattooing Profession...exciting! but yeah, Beaverton is only a 15 minute Max ride away from downtown P-Town and that is good enough for me, plus it's cheaper and i'll live close to Uwadgimaya....or however you spell that stores name of which i looooooove. alright i gotta go take a shower and make some effing coffee! I love you suckas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~Corny Courtney~~~~~~

So i know my entrys are few and far between, but my life isn't very exciting right now...i'm sooooo broke and i'm not getting what i thought i'd be getting in taxes so i can't do much lately...i did go to the beach last Friday...that was awesome, i bought peanut brittle, then the next day i went to shop downtown portland and spent my last $30 on books at powells, then kicked myself when i went to counter media and found a buttload of stuff i wanted to buy but had no more money BUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT thats ok, i get paid this thursday and i still won't really have any money cause since i'm getting so little on my taxes i have to save up about 300-400 dollors to add to the car fund....my car is such a peice of crap that i'm opting to go to a car auction and get a new one...at this point anything is better than what i got. I can't even drive it on the freeway anymore, so i havn't been able to visit my mummy, and i miss her. I think she'll be visiting tomarrow maybe so YAY!
I got kind of a long work week 6 days and 1 day off...but the sixth day i'm just training a girl for a couple hours, so that'll help out with the money problem a little.
I need a shower...i missed my freinds baby shower...i feel bad about that but i'm sure she'll understand, i was at work and the baby shower was at 2:30 i didn't get off till a little after 3. grr, i still feel bad though.
....How come i never write when i'm happy or something good happens? it boggles my mind sometimes. Usually when i write there are things bugging me...i'm not angry or upset i just feel like all i do is bitch too much...I SWEARRRR i'm HAPPY! bahahhahaha i cleaned my appartment today, and it was so gross, but my friend let me borrow her vacuum so yay! i'm gonna make dan do dishes...since i do them for a living i really don't feel like doing that too. ya know how it izzz foo! ight i'm out, i gotta take a shower and get comfortable...i get to be in bed by 10...pfffffft