Story thus far: I have to move everything out of my apartment and clean it by Nov. 1
Yesterday: Got screwed; I was not able to get a 10' moving truck to empty out my apartment of all bulky things going to storage. Only got about half of everything over there. (Note: I will say, it's a good half to have over there. Couch, lots of heavy boxes, etc.) Booked a moving truck for Monday morning so I can get (1) Queen size bed & boxspring; (2) large bookcase (3) small bookcase, among other bric-a-brac
Today:
- massive amounts of cleaning...
- sorting things into "throw away" and "recycle"... judging said items with EXTREME PREJUDICE. (example: tossing a 2 drawer Filing Cabinet. yeah. Everything I had in there fit into one Cardboard File-box, so guess how I'll be storing files for the next year?)
Monday: (the day I'm SUPPOSED to be completely out of the apartment:
- Call in sick (or take the morning off) to work.
- Get to Rental Truck place at 8am. get truck.
- get to apartment. Load truck (by myself) of all the crap I have in the apartment (all the stuff listed in the "Yesterday" section) plus any stuff I manage to get ready to go into storage today.
- Take all crap back to Storage place, empty Truck and pack storage space.
- Return truck
- Take bus home, or to work (depending on the time) OR Collapse.
Can't wait for this shit to be over with.
Yesterday: Got screwed; I was not able to get a 10' moving truck to empty out my apartment of all bulky things going to storage. Only got about half of everything over there. (Note: I will say, it's a good half to have over there. Couch, lots of heavy boxes, etc.) Booked a moving truck for Monday morning so I can get (1) Queen size bed & boxspring; (2) large bookcase (3) small bookcase, among other bric-a-brac
Today:
- massive amounts of cleaning...
- sorting things into "throw away" and "recycle"... judging said items with EXTREME PREJUDICE. (example: tossing a 2 drawer Filing Cabinet. yeah. Everything I had in there fit into one Cardboard File-box, so guess how I'll be storing files for the next year?)
Monday: (the day I'm SUPPOSED to be completely out of the apartment:
- Call in sick (or take the morning off) to work.
- Get to Rental Truck place at 8am. get truck.
- get to apartment. Load truck (by myself) of all the crap I have in the apartment (all the stuff listed in the "Yesterday" section) plus any stuff I manage to get ready to go into storage today.
- Take all crap back to Storage place, empty Truck and pack storage space.
- Return truck
- Take bus home, or to work (depending on the time) OR Collapse.
Can't wait for this shit to be over with.
OK, holy shit.
I have one week... no.... strike that, I have FOUR DAYS to get my place clean enough to show to prospective tenants. I have one week after that to... move everything out of my apartment.
OK. I can do this. it's just a complete shuffling/unloading/removal of all of my fucking tangible items. (really wish I had less of it... but I gotta be responsible with what I do own)
OK. Operation "Evacuate" is go.
I have one week... no.... strike that, I have FOUR DAYS to get my place clean enough to show to prospective tenants. I have one week after that to... move everything out of my apartment.
OK. I can do this. it's just a complete shuffling/unloading/removal of all of my fucking tangible items. (really wish I had less of it... but I gotta be responsible with what I do own)
OK. Operation "Evacuate" is go.
I only have a short amount of time before I have to get to work. But let's see, where am I, a year and a half later?
- It's getting harder to keep this day-job going. right when I want to leave the job, I get a inner ear ailment that needs me to keep it so I can use the health insurance.
- It's getting harder to relate to people. the amount of people I can really talk to seems to shrink.
- I have no idea if this woman I like is into me, or into me as a friend.
- I could move far far away to a wonderful warm part of the country, where a ton of my friends live... or I could save for a year and take an amazing master's program which would REALLY and TRULY push my art and professional strength farther. (or option #3, just tread water in this stagnant pool I'm currently neck deep in)
fun times, fun times.
- It's getting harder to keep this day-job going. right when I want to leave the job, I get a inner ear ailment that needs me to keep it so I can use the health insurance.
- It's getting harder to relate to people. the amount of people I can really talk to seems to shrink.
- I have no idea if this woman I like is into me, or into me as a friend.
- I could move far far away to a wonderful warm part of the country, where a ton of my friends live... or I could save for a year and take an amazing master's program which would REALLY and TRULY push my art and professional strength farther. (or option #3, just tread water in this stagnant pool I'm currently neck deep in)
fun times, fun times.
Watched the news, followed by a Hunter S Thompson documentary. AFter that, had to get out of the room for a while, got a taco... came home head brewing and bubbling with various things on my mind. This is just the random steam I had to let out.
--- I think about super heroes.
I think about how America holds comics as stomping grounds for super heroes, kids-stuff, adolescent male power-fantasies. Wish fulfillment.
My favorite superhero comics are wish fulfillment of a kind. Stories in which someone does a truly good thing. Who doesnt back down. We get to see his/her side of the story and we dont get the double-handed backwash of the press telling us what we should believe in.
There are no heroes who are going to swoop in and solve our problems for us. We can only go forth in our beliefs and hope we arent wasting our time.
--- I think about this country. I think about how people on the right and the left and the center and the fuck all who are all playing with the same toys. pulling each toy away from the neighboring child, sure that its THEIRS and they are the one who can handle it the best. After a lively afternoon of squabbling, the children are called back home by each respective parent. The dutiful parent takes these red-white and blue toys and shakes their head at al the dirt and grime the kids got on them. all that harmful filth they got all over these toys. they need to clean it. they need to protect their children. They break open the cleaning cabinet, pullout sponges, brushes, bleach, disinfectant, and they go to work.
After countless nights of squabbling, dirt flinging, cleaning and disinfecting, the dirt and fighting keep happening. the cleaning remains a nightly occurrence. pretty soon, the sun the dirt, the soap and the sponge are going to wear these prized items down to the point where there will be no lively color left. who wants to play with grey toys?
People fighting for THEIR version of a better world, through the fighting and the UNYIELDING unwillingness to listen to each other, the constant avoidance of a solution, the color is draining out of this country. Who wants a grey flag? Well from my perspective, those white republicans would love it. its just like the flag that flew on the black-and-white TV shows of that bygone racist yet blissfully-ignorant era. things were so much simpler then, when minorities were under our control, and there was no such thing as fags...
--- There are some who are content in this crazy fucking world. the world is so nuts around them, they dont take any of the crazy in for themselves. Of course, that could be argued. One could say they are crazy for being able to be happy in this type of world. But theyll never be CALLED crazy, at least not by any of you readers or any of the other normals out there. The ones they call crazy are probably the ones with the most sense.
They live in a world that doesnt want to help them. They live in a world that has and will again yank the rug out from under them. They live in a world where information is either denied them, or where its altered and twisted to the point where up is sort of left and down, and right is under your shoe. (Dont ask me where down is.) So they go inward. They talk to themselves. Worried about aggressive motion-sensitive tax-paying cavemen who will lash out at them if they act up, they shuffle slowly and timidly away.
Who can blame them. This place is more fucking nuts than they are.
--- I think about super heroes.
I think about how America holds comics as stomping grounds for super heroes, kids-stuff, adolescent male power-fantasies. Wish fulfillment.
My favorite superhero comics are wish fulfillment of a kind. Stories in which someone does a truly good thing. Who doesnt back down. We get to see his/her side of the story and we dont get the double-handed backwash of the press telling us what we should believe in.
There are no heroes who are going to swoop in and solve our problems for us. We can only go forth in our beliefs and hope we arent wasting our time.
--- I think about this country. I think about how people on the right and the left and the center and the fuck all who are all playing with the same toys. pulling each toy away from the neighboring child, sure that its THEIRS and they are the one who can handle it the best. After a lively afternoon of squabbling, the children are called back home by each respective parent. The dutiful parent takes these red-white and blue toys and shakes their head at al the dirt and grime the kids got on them. all that harmful filth they got all over these toys. they need to clean it. they need to protect their children. They break open the cleaning cabinet, pullout sponges, brushes, bleach, disinfectant, and they go to work.
After countless nights of squabbling, dirt flinging, cleaning and disinfecting, the dirt and fighting keep happening. the cleaning remains a nightly occurrence. pretty soon, the sun the dirt, the soap and the sponge are going to wear these prized items down to the point where there will be no lively color left. who wants to play with grey toys?
People fighting for THEIR version of a better world, through the fighting and the UNYIELDING unwillingness to listen to each other, the constant avoidance of a solution, the color is draining out of this country. Who wants a grey flag? Well from my perspective, those white republicans would love it. its just like the flag that flew on the black-and-white TV shows of that bygone racist yet blissfully-ignorant era. things were so much simpler then, when minorities were under our control, and there was no such thing as fags...
--- There are some who are content in this crazy fucking world. the world is so nuts around them, they dont take any of the crazy in for themselves. Of course, that could be argued. One could say they are crazy for being able to be happy in this type of world. But theyll never be CALLED crazy, at least not by any of you readers or any of the other normals out there. The ones they call crazy are probably the ones with the most sense.
They live in a world that doesnt want to help them. They live in a world that has and will again yank the rug out from under them. They live in a world where information is either denied them, or where its altered and twisted to the point where up is sort of left and down, and right is under your shoe. (Dont ask me where down is.) So they go inward. They talk to themselves. Worried about aggressive motion-sensitive tax-paying cavemen who will lash out at them if they act up, they shuffle slowly and timidly away.
Who can blame them. This place is more fucking nuts than they are.
It's weird being back.
I originally left various subscription based websites and vowed to spend less time on the internet... for many reasons, but the primary among them is because I had to spend more time more wisely.
Fighting social anxiety & depresion without the drugs is interesting, but it requires a lot of discipline. Video games, pizza, and non-necessity websites (among a great many other things) all contribute to a softening that makes me stay put, butt planted on couch or chair (or bed)
I'm at a point in my life where I need to make the best use of my time as I can, and yet when a "you got 3 months of Suicidegirls.com as a gift. for free!" email I was originally going to avoid it.
I mean, I SHOULD avoid it. I've learned a lot of things the years since I left.
(Keep in mind this is stuff that is true for me. it starts me down a slippery slope, which results in lots of eating and sitting around on my ass alone. It might be different and not apply to you.)
- Getting out and relating to people face to face > staying inside and clicking page after page.
- The reality of speaking to women face to face > the habit of staying on a computer looking at boobs.
- Going and utilizing time > sitting around, wearing down wrists (typing) burning time away online.
Basically, for me, It's not good to fight anxiety to hide behind anonymity online.
So, simply by evidence of this blog, It's clear how the plot progressed, I'm back on Suicide Girls. Why?
I don't know. Not really. I have a few ideas why...
1- I've learned to trust my gut, and I've been better at listening to my gut in recent years. My gut was telling me to sign back up... it's 3 free months.
2- Like DVD and collectible spending, I've been better at limiting my time online. As long as I avoid certain sites, the demon of "instant gratification" and it's cousin "burning away 4 hours of time" usually don't take hold of me.
3- Someone was cool enough to reactivate my account. Anonymously, but still. I thought I'd be able to find out who he/she was but that wacky anonymity thing. it's tricky. Thanks for thinking of me, mysterious shadow person*.
*(unless it was something internal at SG, like some marketing strategy to give away a 3 month membership to win back a lost customer or something...hey I can't fault them exactly... people in business gotta make the money. Whether or not I decide to stay @ the end of the 3 months, well that remains to be seen.)
Whatever it is, I'm back. I guess I'll look around a little bit. I've gained a few new powers in my years of absence. See what I can do with them here.
I originally left various subscription based websites and vowed to spend less time on the internet... for many reasons, but the primary among them is because I had to spend more time more wisely.
Fighting social anxiety & depresion without the drugs is interesting, but it requires a lot of discipline. Video games, pizza, and non-necessity websites (among a great many other things) all contribute to a softening that makes me stay put, butt planted on couch or chair (or bed)
I'm at a point in my life where I need to make the best use of my time as I can, and yet when a "you got 3 months of Suicidegirls.com as a gift. for free!" email I was originally going to avoid it.
I mean, I SHOULD avoid it. I've learned a lot of things the years since I left.
(Keep in mind this is stuff that is true for me. it starts me down a slippery slope, which results in lots of eating and sitting around on my ass alone. It might be different and not apply to you.)
- Getting out and relating to people face to face > staying inside and clicking page after page.
- The reality of speaking to women face to face > the habit of staying on a computer looking at boobs.
- Going and utilizing time > sitting around, wearing down wrists (typing) burning time away online.
Basically, for me, It's not good to fight anxiety to hide behind anonymity online.
So, simply by evidence of this blog, It's clear how the plot progressed, I'm back on Suicide Girls. Why?
I don't know. Not really. I have a few ideas why...
1- I've learned to trust my gut, and I've been better at listening to my gut in recent years. My gut was telling me to sign back up... it's 3 free months.
2- Like DVD and collectible spending, I've been better at limiting my time online. As long as I avoid certain sites, the demon of "instant gratification" and it's cousin "burning away 4 hours of time" usually don't take hold of me.
3- Someone was cool enough to reactivate my account. Anonymously, but still. I thought I'd be able to find out who he/she was but that wacky anonymity thing. it's tricky. Thanks for thinking of me, mysterious shadow person*.
*(unless it was something internal at SG, like some marketing strategy to give away a 3 month membership to win back a lost customer or something...hey I can't fault them exactly... people in business gotta make the money. Whether or not I decide to stay @ the end of the 3 months, well that remains to be seen.)
Whatever it is, I'm back. I guess I'll look around a little bit. I've gained a few new powers in my years of absence. See what I can do with them here.
Kaaf KAAFFFF KOFF KOFF!!!
Uhh, hey. I'm sort of back, and stuff.
Been gone, working on changing stuff. most of the stuff, for the better.
more later. Right now i gotta get to work.
iTunes tune: Break my body. Pixies.
Uhh, hey. I'm sort of back, and stuff.
Been gone, working on changing stuff. most of the stuff, for the better.
more later. Right now i gotta get to work.
iTunes tune: Break my body. Pixies.
Re-read The Amazing Adventuers of Kavalier and Clay
When I finished it, I turned back to page one and started again. What a fucking good book. It totally stoked the fire in me for a while, maybe a second reading, finding all the hidden nuggets and secret seashells will help feed the creative fire even more.
I have to get a grant or something. Find a way that i can just exist for a month or so, doing art and CREATING and not having to put up with the 40 hour work week.
Oh yeah... my car got totalled. just been bussing/walking places for the last month and a half. Not easy during a Central New York winter.
Now playing: Vampire Walk Stereophonic Space Sounds Unlimited
When I finished it, I turned back to page one and started again. What a fucking good book. It totally stoked the fire in me for a while, maybe a second reading, finding all the hidden nuggets and secret seashells will help feed the creative fire even more.
I have to get a grant or something. Find a way that i can just exist for a month or so, doing art and CREATING and not having to put up with the 40 hour work week.
Oh yeah... my car got totalled. just been bussing/walking places for the last month and a half. Not easy during a Central New York winter.
Now playing: Vampire Walk Stereophonic Space Sounds Unlimited
Seems everytime that I'm at the dawn of a self-instigated change in my life... I jinx myself if I mention any details about it.
So all I'll say is that I'm planning a change. When it happens, and doens't fall through, I'll mention it! Wish me luck.
BTW, check out this interview with Javier Grillo Marxauch. Javier is the writer for a comic (and some Tv show called "Lost") that my college-friend Les is doing the art for. Check the book out! The Middleman
current itunes song: Lobster Bucket the Aquabats
So all I'll say is that I'm planning a change. When it happens, and doens't fall through, I'll mention it! Wish me luck.
BTW, check out this interview with Javier Grillo Marxauch. Javier is the writer for a comic (and some Tv show called "Lost") that my college-friend Les is doing the art for. Check the book out! The Middleman
current itunes song: Lobster Bucket the Aquabats
Gotta nervous kind of feeling
Gotta painful yellow headache
Every picture in every magazine's
Come real
Every face looks out
And screams at me too real
Cold sweat on my collar
Dripping to my boots
The waves of nauseous pain
Sets off the pressure pad alarms
Gotta get outta here
Gotta get outta here
Gotta get outta here
Gona get outta here
Gotta painful swelling brain
Banging in my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
And I called off sick
Gotta swelling itching pain
Got me pulling out my hair
Gotta swelling itching pain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
In the back of my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
And I called off sick
Gotta swelling itching pain
Got me pulling out my hair
Gotta swelling itching pain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
Got me laying in the floor
Gotta painful swelling brain
Think I left my senses
Gotta swelling itching pain
Seems like endless torture
Gotta swelling itching pain
Banging in my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
In the back of my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
And I called off sick
Gotta painful swelling brain
Got me pulling out my hair
Gotta painful swelling brain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Driving me up the wall
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Gripping at my eyes
Ears, nose and mouth
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
It's bloating my thoughts
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Leaves me holding the front door now
Gotta swelling itching pain
Swelling itching pain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Got me lying on the floor
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Going out of my skull
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Burning up my thoughts
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Gripping at my eyes
Ears, nose and mouth
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Tearing me apart
Gotta painful yellow headache
Every picture in every magazine's
Come real
Every face looks out
And screams at me too real
Cold sweat on my collar
Dripping to my boots
The waves of nauseous pain
Sets off the pressure pad alarms
Gotta get outta here
Gotta get outta here
Gotta get outta here
Gona get outta here
Gotta painful swelling brain
Banging in my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
And I called off sick
Gotta swelling itching pain
Got me pulling out my hair
Gotta swelling itching pain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
In the back of my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
And I called off sick
Gotta swelling itching pain
Got me pulling out my hair
Gotta swelling itching pain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
Got me laying in the floor
Gotta painful swelling brain
Think I left my senses
Gotta swelling itching pain
Seems like endless torture
Gotta swelling itching pain
Banging in my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
In the back of my head
Gotta painful swelling brain
And I called off sick
Gotta painful swelling brain
Got me pulling out my hair
Gotta painful swelling brain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Driving me up the wall
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Gripping at my eyes
Ears, nose and mouth
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
It's bloating my thoughts
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Leaves me holding the front door now
Gotta swelling itching pain
Swelling itching pain
Clutching at my brain
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Got me lying on the floor
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Going out of my skull
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Burning up my thoughts
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Gripping at my eyes
Ears, nose and mouth
Gotta painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Painful swelling brain
Tearing me apart
Went to this small coffee place for Lunch today. I go there every so often to write or sketch during my lunch break. The cute girl was behind the counter, and so I started to chat. Today was her LAST DAY working at the place, and she's goin on a whirlwind "Anywhere but the Snowy NorthEast" trip through Seattle, Oregon, Cali, and other South Eastern States with her sisters.
if only I became a regular at the coffee place SOONER...
I drew a little caricature of her, daydreaming of Airplanes, sun, travel, and a little "Meanwhile" box in the corner showing Syracuse completely engulfed in snow, and myself trudging through it saying "crap".
I jotted down tips and places to see in Oregon and Cali, smiled, chatted a little while longer...
It wasn't until after I was back at the office that I realized I didn't put my phone # on there. Is that considered creepy, or bad pool? To give your phone number out, without being asked for it? Maybe an email address would be less creepy?
Whatever the answer is, she didn't get it anyway.
Thankful for:
- New apartment
- Episodes of "Spaced"
- Knowing that despite what I say during my depression or low points, knowing that I'm OK in the grand scheme of things.
Wishing for
- Reduction in irrational episodes of panic
- Eloquence
- Destroying this damn creative block I got
Current iTunes song: the A-Team Mike Le Watt remix the excellent electric version on "Spaced" S1 Ep.6
if only I became a regular at the coffee place SOONER...
I drew a little caricature of her, daydreaming of Airplanes, sun, travel, and a little "Meanwhile" box in the corner showing Syracuse completely engulfed in snow, and myself trudging through it saying "crap".
I jotted down tips and places to see in Oregon and Cali, smiled, chatted a little while longer...
It wasn't until after I was back at the office that I realized I didn't put my phone # on there. Is that considered creepy, or bad pool? To give your phone number out, without being asked for it? Maybe an email address would be less creepy?
Whatever the answer is, she didn't get it anyway.
Thankful for:
- New apartment
- Episodes of "Spaced"
- Knowing that despite what I say during my depression or low points, knowing that I'm OK in the grand scheme of things.
Wishing for
- Reduction in irrational episodes of panic
- Eloquence
- Destroying this damn creative block I got
Current iTunes song: the A-Team Mike Le Watt remix the excellent electric version on "Spaced" S1 Ep.6
