I am having the worst week! Last weekend, I poured my heart out to my perfect guy, one of my closest friends for years. He spoke to me as if I was a patient he was counseling and made it clear I am insignificant in his life. I decided I can no longer have him in my life. Now I feel like my whole reality has shifted. Everything else past that is just icing on the cake. . .

I stopped eating for 4 days, yet I GAINED a pound. My manager lectured me about the importance of doing a task I already do every shift and do correctly. I had to write a letter to my mom explainig to her I am not "stupid" or "immature" (her words) for wanting to love my body and to feel comfortable in my own skin. My cable box is over-heating and I'm terrified I'll forget to unplug it and my apartment will catch on fire. And now my computer has decided to no longer recognize my wireless router.

I'm over it!

There is an article on MSN today regarding a new development that may someday lead to an AIDS vaccine. The vast amount of resources going into AIDS research never ceases to amaze me. Unlike other commonly researched diseases, such as cancer, there is little to no financial benefit for treating AIDS patients. The current anti-viral medication used in HIV treatment is expensive by typical American standards and well beyond the reach of the vast majority of those infected. Yet, so much money continues to be pumped into AIDS research and treatment by people who are statistically at little risk of being affected by the disease first hand. In the last 20 years, we have learned so much about this disease and made so many advances in treatment.

When I was 12 years old, a portion of the AIDS quilt came through my home town. That was the first time I saw my dad cry. Earlier that year, the quilt had been on display in its entirety for the last time. There is now no place on Earth large enough to display the whole quilt. It reminds me of driving past a military cemetery; the numbers and statistics mean nothing when you see all those markers, square upon square.

I am proud to buy RED and grateful I have that option in my everyday life. I feel a sense of satisfaction to see how large and influential AIDS organizations are. However, the Lazarus Effect/Project is a horrible name choice for this cause! The name is dehumanizing and implies that people infected with HIV or AIDS are the walking dead or zombies. It is all too easy to forget that the infected are people like everyone else. They are human beings with thoughts, feelings, families, lives. . . .Their disease does NOT define who they are. Every time I encounter the Lazarus Effect I cringe with offense. I want to scream out “my uncle was more than a statistic or cause!” Kelly was a human being with all that entails.

At this point in my life, I am trying to decipher if the worries and concerns that plague my decision making are legitimate or the result of my own self-doubt. I don’t know if I limit myself because it is the prudent thing to do, or if I subconsciously believe I will not succeed.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I've decided a wooden baseball bat will be my weapon of choice. Obviously, a gun would be nice. However, not only do I not currently own one, but I have limited gun knowledge, not enough to feel completely comfortable and confident in my ability to shoot. Plus, there's the obvious problem of ammo: both maintaining a supply and hauling it. My baseball bat is readily available, plus it's a junior size so a lady like myself can easily maintain control.

A major concern I have in the what if scenario of a zombie apocalypse is what to do with my dog. A prissy, 10lb pomeranian will make no contributions to survival, but he's my best friend and means the world to me. He's incapable of fending for himself, so I couldn't leave him behind. Perhaps I could carry him around in one of those dog carrier back packs and hopefully he would bark when there's a zombie behind me.

Sometimes I wonder why the hell I think about pointless stuff like this.

I've never had the pleasure of having a guy dress up in lingerie for me. Not even sure if I'd be into that, but I'm curious. I'm curious to see how far my attraction of androngynous men goes. Or perhaps, it's just my thing for Tim Curry. I like to imagine that he wears silk panties underneath his fancy suits and maybe even high heels in the privacy of his home.

My favorite Mickey Avalon line:
"Even when I wear panties, I stay manly."

My least favorite thing about being a girl is shaving my legs. It is such a pain in the ass! I have no issue with shaving everything else on a daily basis, but I loathe shaving my legs. But then I'll randomly shave my legs on laundry day and realize why it's so nice. I think freshly shaven and lotioned legs on freshly laundered sheets is pure heaven!

Cinderella's carriage on my arm now has a pretty pony leading it. My Grimm's Fairytale sleeve is really coming together. Surprisingly, putting the gingerbread house right under my armpit didn't hurt all that much. The area close to my elbow was the worst. I'm really not looking forward to getting my elbowfilled in, but I hate how it looks when people leave that area blank on sleeves. So far I have Rapunzel's tower, the frog prince, Snow White in her coffin, Cinderella's carriage, and the gingerbread house. Next up is Little Red Hiding Hood, the big bad wolf, and dancing slippers.

You know those days when you wake up in a great mood for no real reason? I'm having one. I've noticed I tend to feel this way when I wake up to gloomy weather, is that weird? Maybe I should move to Seattle. Between the chill weather and the yummiest (and healthiest) french toast I've ever made I'm content with life right now. I'm sure listening to Passion Pit is helping set my mood too.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think my love life is almost perfect. I have my recently single, no strings attached fuck buddy who keeps me smiling with his lude texts. I also have the cute arm candy to tell me I'm gorgous and drunkenly make out with at the bar. And to top it of I'm stuck in my favorite part of a relationship with my perfect guy. The stage of a relationship when I get butterflies everytime he walks into a room, and my heart starts beating faster when I hear his ring tone on my phone. The stage where there's obvious feelings on both side but I can't talk about it without blushing. I'm not looking to be anyone's girlfriend and my perfect guy is way too busy to have a girlfriend so I'm stuck in a wonderful limbo.

Enough already, I want my life back! I have been in such a funk lately and I'm hating it. Between working too much, not sleeping, and getting sick I've had no energy and no motivation. This is supposed to be my year to shine, I need to snap out of this funk in a bad way. I've started jogging with my dog again. Hoping the sunlight and exercise will get me feeling like myself again.