So Long, Been Good to Know You, No. 2

For the second time in just over a year I'm headed across the country, this time to more familiar waters, but another uncertain future. I'm pretty much beginning to like the concept- the uncertain future. Has a nice ring to it as well as more appeal than, say, certain death from massive drug overdose or sudden and irreversible liver damage. No, we'll take The Uncertain Future and not dwell on these miserable thoughts any longer. Any day of the week, we'll take The Uncertain Future.

So, off to Philadelphia, for bona fide, gainful like employment, steady paychecks, and back into the arms of the city that somehow still loves me after all that awful stuff I've said about it over the years. And despite the peeing down dark alleys on far too many drunken evenings. Back into the waiting arms of family and friends closer than blood, bars that turn a blind-eye to the smoking ban and have good men with heavy hands on the opposite side of them, back to everything I left behind and I even get to bring the beautiful woman I came out here for in the first place back with me.

Which is by far more good luck than I deserve, and much more than I could just as easily chalk up to my shocking and awesome personal presence and incredible charisma and charm.

Just lucky, I suppose.

It would be easy enough to turn my back on California, set the bridge alight on my way out of town, and let the thick smoke from the gasoline fire blot it all out as the horizon vanishes into the distance. Too easy, but hardly fair. In many respects the last year of my life has been the most godawful, isolated, miserable, depressed, hard-up, fucked-up, drunken, drugged out, uncreative year of my life. Probably would've done myself in intentionally or accidentally if I didn't have the previously mentioned beautiful woman to wake up to every morning, the support, kindness and caring of a few good people out here and a great number of ones spread out around the country and world, some who don't even know how much the short bits of conversation and little human connections add up to actually Mean Something.

So, yeah, it would be easy to say fuck this place and everyone that looks like it. But it would ignore the good people who've taught me cool shit, hung in with me when I was going off the path, and generally been good friends at best and excellent company at worst. And it would be terribly unfair to The Place, because I just never gave it an honest-to-god chance. The logistics started coming off the rails before I even boarded the flight out of town and didn't stop for about nine months. Which would've been bad enough in and of itself, of course, but I let myself- and worse- the woman down, because I didn't dig in and fight hard enough. I just laid on the canvas and heard the count.

So I can't say fuck California, not just for the cool cats I have met out here, but because I let it down a fuck of a lot more than it let me down. Maybe in another year we'll be coming back out her to try it all over again, or San Fransisco, The NYC, Lisbon, London, fuck it. The Uncertain Future sounds so good sometimes you can just about taste it.

Because I've learned at least one thing in the last year, its that its never over. You just keep trying and the fall doesn't matter half as much as the getting back up. The scrapes heal over into scars and toughen you up, thicken up that skin and get you ready for the next round. Its never over, you just learn whatever you can when you fail and make sure you do your best not to do it Wrong all over again.

So, so long Long Beach, so long California. It's been nice to know you, and we'll soon meet again.