August is haunting me.
I'm pissed, cause I woke up in his bed.
Cause no one was watching my drink when I went outside to take a call.
Cause when I woke up, I couldnt help it, and I started to cry.
Cause it felt like someone had slammed me up against a wall.
Cause all I could say was "please hand me my clothes and call me a cab"
Cause I still showed up the next day to work.
Cause he fired me for saying no the next time I was actually given the chance.
And I hate that when I reached into my purse to pay the cab fare I found an extra grand laying there.
I feel sick to my stomach when I run into him today.
He offers me lunch and all I can think of....."Is that your fucking way of saying sorry? For taking what was not yours to take?!?!?!??!?!?"
I am broken. And when he sees me, he sees me so young and pure, but I swear I am broken inside. I blame him.
He is sick and I have never hated anyone or wished ill but for him I wish nothing but hell.
I want to flee this town. But this too shall pass. My question is how fucking long?
I'm pissed, cause I woke up in his bed.
Cause no one was watching my drink when I went outside to take a call.
Cause when I woke up, I couldnt help it, and I started to cry.
Cause it felt like someone had slammed me up against a wall.
Cause all I could say was "please hand me my clothes and call me a cab"
Cause I still showed up the next day to work.
Cause he fired me for saying no the next time I was actually given the chance.
And I hate that when I reached into my purse to pay the cab fare I found an extra grand laying there.
I feel sick to my stomach when I run into him today.
He offers me lunch and all I can think of....."Is that your fucking way of saying sorry? For taking what was not yours to take?!?!?!??!?!?"
I am broken. And when he sees me, he sees me so young and pure, but I swear I am broken inside. I blame him.
He is sick and I have never hated anyone or wished ill but for him I wish nothing but hell.
I want to flee this town. But this too shall pass. My question is how fucking long?
Back In S.F. Back to the daily grind. I've been here less than 24 hours and have taught a dance class, worked a seven hour shift, gone to an interview and been hired at a new place. Nothing like hitting the ground running, no....flying at top speed!
I miss my family dearly. The worst thing about being here is the issue of being alone. As I hate being alone I feel I let my guard down, and allow other people and things...vices, to fill my time where... if I were not filling it, I would without a doubt find myself in a puddle of tears. Being home for the first time in two years made me open my eyes to how very blessed I am. I regret now, leaving the way I did but I do think amends have been taken and hearts are well and at peace. My vices are killing me. I don't yet feel like sharing the specifics, mainly because I am ashamed, but I have realized that if I do not stop myself and come to peace with being alone, I am without a doubt going to ruin myself and break my world into pieces so small they can not be glued.
School is starting back up on Monday. I am very very very thankful for this. I need this. I am taking a lit class, stats, physiology, tango, Haitian African dance, Pointe, and nutrition as part of my intro to culinary. My schedule is soooo busy, but at this moment I am so thankful......remind me of this later if I start complaining....
Anyway. LOVE. HUGS. KISSES.
I miss my family dearly. The worst thing about being here is the issue of being alone. As I hate being alone I feel I let my guard down, and allow other people and things...vices, to fill my time where... if I were not filling it, I would without a doubt find myself in a puddle of tears. Being home for the first time in two years made me open my eyes to how very blessed I am. I regret now, leaving the way I did but I do think amends have been taken and hearts are well and at peace. My vices are killing me. I don't yet feel like sharing the specifics, mainly because I am ashamed, but I have realized that if I do not stop myself and come to peace with being alone, I am without a doubt going to ruin myself and break my world into pieces so small they can not be glued.
School is starting back up on Monday. I am very very very thankful for this. I need this. I am taking a lit class, stats, physiology, tango, Haitian African dance, Pointe, and nutrition as part of my intro to culinary. My schedule is soooo busy, but at this moment I am so thankful......remind me of this later if I start complaining....
Anyway. LOVE. HUGS. KISSES.
So,I am now into my third week back home in Nashville. It's been very good for me to be away from the city. I've done a lot of thinking and had a lot of time to be with my family. I am very excited about the new year coming to greet us tonight! This next year is going to be, I hope, the best year of my life! I have no idea why it should be the best year other than the fact that I think I am due for a wonderful year.
So here is to a beautiful year, for everyone. I do hope it is the best.
So here is to a beautiful year, for everyone. I do hope it is the best.
Lately, I've been going through a lot of changes, which I suppose, are needed and good. It has, however, been a very challenging time in my life. Even more so in that I have felt very alone though the whole process. This is more than likely for the best as the changes would have been difficult to make or go through if I had not been solely focusing on the issues at hand.
Last week I noticed my jeans fitting tighter, my bra's from highschool not fitting, my shoes were all uncomfortable and as they were also from highschool, falling apart. My makeup was running low, my undies a bit to PINK and not sexy enough......so what did I do, after sitting and crying all the phone to my mum for about an hour? I bagged everything that failed to make me feel sexy and shipped all six moving boxes full off to goodwill. I was stuck for about all of a week rotating three shirts and one pair of jeans on my days off of work and when I did have to go into the office I was down to two dresses and one pair of flip flops. I am slowly but surely working on learning to listen to my body and what it needs. For instance, my hips have seemed to open up and a week ago as I cried to my mum and told her I felt like duck, wobbling from side to side as I could not figure out why my center of balance had suddenly changed......she simply told me to embrace my new curves, that I had become a grown woman without noticing until it all abruptly hit me.....she said "calm down and baby just swing em' cause believe it or not people want what you got" So now I'm learning how to dress and walk all over and I feel like a toddler.
On top of that, gaining my confidence in the dating game. A year ago I was "madly in love" and had already signed myself off to be forever a lover of a certain boy that up and left without a word. It's taken me a good year to find myself again. Out of the blue I hear from him. It's his birthday, it's the day he walked out. It's as if I waited, holding my breath for a year, hoping I would hear something and then when I do, it's too late and I have no want to reply. It feels good. I feel like myself again. To celebrate, I took myself out to dinner, out to a movie....I even snuck in my favorite pint of ice cream.
School keeps haunting me, I am not suppose to be in the nursing program. I am not bad at it but everytime I grab an extra second, I find it's with a cook book, or the food network, or Rachel Ray's Everyday mag. I don't want to be a nurse as much as I want to follow my passion for food. What's holding me back? Loans. My family's lack of belief in my want, my passion.
San Francisco, god, this subject would take forever to try and explain. The main question I'm dealing with pertaining to this city: why the hell am I here? Maybe I'll write on the subject later. (bad things keep happening to me here and well I would like to chill a bit before I blow up in thought)
On a light note, the night is beautiful and I am off to the gym.
Last week I noticed my jeans fitting tighter, my bra's from highschool not fitting, my shoes were all uncomfortable and as they were also from highschool, falling apart. My makeup was running low, my undies a bit to PINK and not sexy enough......so what did I do, after sitting and crying all the phone to my mum for about an hour? I bagged everything that failed to make me feel sexy and shipped all six moving boxes full off to goodwill. I was stuck for about all of a week rotating three shirts and one pair of jeans on my days off of work and when I did have to go into the office I was down to two dresses and one pair of flip flops. I am slowly but surely working on learning to listen to my body and what it needs. For instance, my hips have seemed to open up and a week ago as I cried to my mum and told her I felt like duck, wobbling from side to side as I could not figure out why my center of balance had suddenly changed......she simply told me to embrace my new curves, that I had become a grown woman without noticing until it all abruptly hit me.....she said "calm down and baby just swing em' cause believe it or not people want what you got" So now I'm learning how to dress and walk all over and I feel like a toddler.
On top of that, gaining my confidence in the dating game. A year ago I was "madly in love" and had already signed myself off to be forever a lover of a certain boy that up and left without a word. It's taken me a good year to find myself again. Out of the blue I hear from him. It's his birthday, it's the day he walked out. It's as if I waited, holding my breath for a year, hoping I would hear something and then when I do, it's too late and I have no want to reply. It feels good. I feel like myself again. To celebrate, I took myself out to dinner, out to a movie....I even snuck in my favorite pint of ice cream.
School keeps haunting me, I am not suppose to be in the nursing program. I am not bad at it but everytime I grab an extra second, I find it's with a cook book, or the food network, or Rachel Ray's Everyday mag. I don't want to be a nurse as much as I want to follow my passion for food. What's holding me back? Loans. My family's lack of belief in my want, my passion.
San Francisco, god, this subject would take forever to try and explain. The main question I'm dealing with pertaining to this city: why the hell am I here? Maybe I'll write on the subject later. (bad things keep happening to me here and well I would like to chill a bit before I blow up in thought)
On a light note, the night is beautiful and I am off to the gym.
I haven't been able to sleep much at all lately. Been going to bed super early but without any luck of actually sleeping. This week has been a bit of a drag but I am looking forward to tonight, when I will be out in the city for my weekly fix of blues dancing followed by a "good morning" meal at 2am with friends. Tomorrow I'll be waking up at six to go get fruits and veggies for the week at the market down by the bay. I am sooooo excited, it's almost tomato season. 
Been thinking about traveling back to France for Christmas, I need so badly to brush up on my French. On the other hand I miss Italy so maybe I'll skip France.....
Im still really sore from this weekends race. But my hair color is back to the normal shades of brown.
My mum is coming out here in July, I miss her, I can not wait to see her.
I'm at work as of now until then.
(sorry for blubbering......about nothing?)
My beautiful mother.
Been thinking about traveling back to France for Christmas, I need so badly to brush up on my French. On the other hand I miss Italy so maybe I'll skip France.....
Im still really sore from this weekends race. But my hair color is back to the normal shades of brown.
My mum is coming out here in July, I miss her, I can not wait to see her.
I'm at work as of now until then.
(sorry for blubbering......about nothing?)
My beautiful mother.
