IPOD
RADIO
Just a minor update. . . Ive been in a much better mood. Guess I just needed to freak out before I could get back to my normal self again. I think this is the first time Ive been home for more than and hour in about a week. My bed doesnt even have sheets on it bc I havent been sleeping here. . . Ive been working so much that I tend to crash at people's houses that are allot closer to work. But my weekend is over and now I have tomorrow off. Im stoked about it. Im gonna do a bunch of cleaning and rearranging and hang some new curtains and maybe wash my car. . . That last one is iffy though. Even being a Texan all my life I still cant handle this heat. FUCK. . .My albino skin cant handle it . . . Danna is in New York till Tuesday. Its nice to have a quiet house when ever I am here. Too bad I dont have a man to come noise it up a bit. Hey, Im just saying. . . I could be loud for once. uh. . .moving on. . . Hope you all are doing good. . . 
Well I was going to post about my weekend more than anything but something just happen that has gained importance. . . I do have to explain a bit about my weekend though.
So Ive been really lonely lately and decided since I work so much and dont get out allot that I would put a personal ad on Craigslist. Been talking to a few people and all seemed to be really nice for the most part. I decided to go ahead and meet one of them. Aaron was his name. Gutter punk kinda guy. Into allot of crazy BDSM. Im pretty open sexually and Im ok with what he is into (would not practice it but to each their own). Come to find out he is into Scat play and water works and all that. . . .Like I said. . . NOT INTO IT. We had a good time though and talked and laughed and just hung out. He explained allot about what he likes sexually and I ended up getting the idea that it was allot more important to him that he had a partner that was into it than he had originally pointed out. I dont know if Im making much sense right now so bare with me. . .
So once the night was over I figured he wasnt that into me bc of me not being THAT sexually open. I waited a few days and today I decided to message him and tell him that even if he thought we werent a good match that I was totally cool with just being friends. Thats not crazy is it? I said it nicely and honestly. . . Well he blows up at me. . . Starts calling me crazy and being very irrate. I dont know why it got to me but something snapped. I stayed nice and told him I hope he found what he wanted and that it sucked he wasnt willing to just be friends. . . . he continued to call me names and degrade me. I will say that I didnt compromise my character and steep to his level by doing the same back to him. . .and bc of that I just freaked out privately. In fact I would call it more of an anxiouty attack. Couldnt breathe, crying out of control. I dont know what happen. . . The tone he took with me not only hurt my feelings but also scared me. I guess coming from an abusive father that did the same I just couldnt deal. I feel rediculous and weak by doing that. . . I should have stood up for myself. The only way I saw myself doing that was by degrading him though. . .and even though I know he isnt a good person (obviously) I couldnt be a "bad person" myself by doing that. So instead I "killed him with kindness" i guess.
What bothers me the most is that I dont understand nor can i comprehend how people can be so mean. How can anyone feel good by making someone else feel bad? Does it make me a weak person by not doing that or does it mean Im a stronger person by fighting my anger and holding my tongue? A question to the people that dont hold their tongue. . . .Does it effect you more when someone refuses to fight with you? Does it make you feel angry when you cant seem to make someone else angry? I only ask bc I hope it did him. . . .Im still a bit shakey and my head hurts now so Ill stop ranting but thank you for leaving comments. Im sure my spelling sucks and my grammer is horrid but do yall even care? Im only human. . .
P.S. This was the last straw . . . Im cutting away from men for a long while. . . Someone wants to be with me then they can come to me. . . Im not gonna be treated like this anymore. There has to be a man out there that has the same mindset I do. . . that or he will be kind to me and hurt everyone else that isnt. . . Untill then. . . ha. . . until then. . .
So Ive been really lonely lately and decided since I work so much and dont get out allot that I would put a personal ad on Craigslist. Been talking to a few people and all seemed to be really nice for the most part. I decided to go ahead and meet one of them. Aaron was his name. Gutter punk kinda guy. Into allot of crazy BDSM. Im pretty open sexually and Im ok with what he is into (would not practice it but to each their own). Come to find out he is into Scat play and water works and all that. . . .Like I said. . . NOT INTO IT. We had a good time though and talked and laughed and just hung out. He explained allot about what he likes sexually and I ended up getting the idea that it was allot more important to him that he had a partner that was into it than he had originally pointed out. I dont know if Im making much sense right now so bare with me. . .
So once the night was over I figured he wasnt that into me bc of me not being THAT sexually open. I waited a few days and today I decided to message him and tell him that even if he thought we werent a good match that I was totally cool with just being friends. Thats not crazy is it? I said it nicely and honestly. . . Well he blows up at me. . . Starts calling me crazy and being very irrate. I dont know why it got to me but something snapped. I stayed nice and told him I hope he found what he wanted and that it sucked he wasnt willing to just be friends. . . . he continued to call me names and degrade me. I will say that I didnt compromise my character and steep to his level by doing the same back to him. . .and bc of that I just freaked out privately. In fact I would call it more of an anxiouty attack. Couldnt breathe, crying out of control. I dont know what happen. . . The tone he took with me not only hurt my feelings but also scared me. I guess coming from an abusive father that did the same I just couldnt deal. I feel rediculous and weak by doing that. . . I should have stood up for myself. The only way I saw myself doing that was by degrading him though. . .and even though I know he isnt a good person (obviously) I couldnt be a "bad person" myself by doing that. So instead I "killed him with kindness" i guess.
What bothers me the most is that I dont understand nor can i comprehend how people can be so mean. How can anyone feel good by making someone else feel bad? Does it make me a weak person by not doing that or does it mean Im a stronger person by fighting my anger and holding my tongue? A question to the people that dont hold their tongue. . . .Does it effect you more when someone refuses to fight with you? Does it make you feel angry when you cant seem to make someone else angry? I only ask bc I hope it did him. . . .Im still a bit shakey and my head hurts now so Ill stop ranting but thank you for leaving comments. Im sure my spelling sucks and my grammer is horrid but do yall even care? Im only human. . .
P.S. This was the last straw . . . Im cutting away from men for a long while. . . Someone wants to be with me then they can come to me. . . Im not gonna be treated like this anymore. There has to be a man out there that has the same mindset I do. . . that or he will be kind to me and hurt everyone else that isnt. . . Untill then. . . ha. . . until then. . .
Crazy Crazy weekend. . .Ill explain later on today. . . right now I really need to get my ass in the shower to get ready for work!!!
Im feeling a bit better today. . . I think I slept about 20 hours yesterday. . . I still feel a burn on my throat and my ears feel like they are clogged up but Im just gonna keep pumping Vitamin C in me (regardless of what Jim says) and other meds and hopefully Ill be good to go back to work tomorrow .
On a different note. . . I want everyone to know that I fucking love you!!! Lately Ive been writing allot on here and it doesnt matter how small it is I have people from all over the world sending me good vibes. How can someone not love that. I know SG has some shit going on with Lithium Picnic and all but regardless of all that I enjoy SG for the community of people, the openness and the inspiration. I wish I could fly everywhere and give averyone that reads my page a big fucking hug. I know its corny but the fact that people take five minutes to read and then send me a little bit of themselves means a hell of allot to me. Rock on my friends. . .
On a different note. . . I want everyone to know that I fucking love you!!! Lately Ive been writing allot on here and it doesnt matter how small it is I have people from all over the world sending me good vibes. How can someone not love that. I know SG has some shit going on with Lithium Picnic and all but regardless of all that I enjoy SG for the community of people, the openness and the inspiration. I wish I could fly everywhere and give averyone that reads my page a big fucking hug. I know its corny but the fact that people take five minutes to read and then send me a little bit of themselves means a hell of allot to me. Rock on my friends. . .
Today was a bit better. I kept myslef busy at work and then went and hung out with a really cool guy from work. Its nice to find chill friends sometimes. Thank you for the encouragement.
