Well I was going to post about my weekend more than anything but something just happen that has gained importance. . . I do have to explain a bit about my weekend though.

So Ive been really lonely lately and decided since I work so much and dont get out allot that I would put a personal ad on Craigslist. Been talking to a few people and all seemed to be really nice for the most part. I decided to go ahead and meet one of them. Aaron was his name. Gutter punk kinda guy. Into allot of crazy BDSM. Im pretty open sexually and Im ok with what he is into (would not practice it but to each their own). Come to find out he is into Scat play and water works and all that. . . .Like I said. . . NOT INTO IT. We had a good time though and talked and laughed and just hung out. He explained allot about what he likes sexually and I ended up getting the idea that it was allot more important to him that he had a partner that was into it than he had originally pointed out. I dont know if Im making much sense right now so bare with me. . .

So once the night was over I figured he wasnt that into me bc of me not being THAT sexually open. I waited a few days and today I decided to message him and tell him that even if he thought we werent a good match that I was totally cool with just being friends. Thats not crazy is it? I said it nicely and honestly. . . Well he blows up at me. . . Starts calling me crazy and being very irrate. I dont know why it got to me but something snapped. I stayed nice and told him I hope he found what he wanted and that it sucked he wasnt willing to just be friends. . . . he continued to call me names and degrade me. I will say that I didnt compromise my character and steep to his level by doing the same back to him. . .and bc of that I just freaked out privately. In fact I would call it more of an anxiouty attack. Couldnt breathe, crying out of control. I dont know what happen. . . The tone he took with me not only hurt my feelings but also scared me. I guess coming from an abusive father that did the same I just couldnt deal. I feel rediculous and weak by doing that. . . I should have stood up for myself. The only way I saw myself doing that was by degrading him though. . .and even though I know he isnt a good person (obviously) I couldnt be a "bad person" myself by doing that. So instead I "killed him with kindness" i guess.

What bothers me the most is that I dont understand nor can i comprehend how people can be so mean. How can anyone feel good by making someone else feel bad? Does it make me a weak person by not doing that or does it mean Im a stronger person by fighting my anger and holding my tongue? A question to the people that dont hold their tongue. . . .Does it effect you more when someone refuses to fight with you? Does it make you feel angry when you cant seem to make someone else angry? I only ask bc I hope it did him. . . .Im still a bit shakey and my head hurts now so Ill stop ranting but thank you for leaving comments. Im sure my spelling sucks and my grammer is horrid but do yall even care? Im only human. . .

P.S. This was the last straw . . . Im cutting away from men for a long while. . . Someone wants to be with me then they can come to me. . . Im not gonna be treated like this anymore. There has to be a man out there that has the same mindset I do. . . that or he will be kind to me and hurt everyone else that isnt. . . Untill then. . . ha. . . until then. . .