The job hunt and apartment hunt is still on...not sure what I'm doing with the boys but what else is new? I went on a really inspiring job interview yesterday that was like 2 hours long, because we were talking so much. One of the owners said they thought I'd fit in really well there, and I hope I didn't scare them off with the salary I was asking. Anyhow if I got that job that would be so sweet. Back to the work force would make me feel much better about contributing to this household, and my own bills, taking care of business basically and being a little bit more independent. Much as it is nice to have boys buy you things, I like having my own money and being in charge of myself financially for the most part.
Today I have to run some errands for basic household needs, and then will probably have dinner with Josh. Last night I kinda blew him off to eat with Ben and have a conversation about our relationship in the future and what that could entail. Everything is on such a truncated time table being that we have to get out of this apartment in the next month. It sucks.
Anyhow, I hope everyone's having a nice hump-day.
<3
Question of the day: What are you going to be for Halloween?
Today I have to run some errands for basic household needs, and then will probably have dinner with Josh. Last night I kinda blew him off to eat with Ben and have a conversation about our relationship in the future and what that could entail. Everything is on such a truncated time table being that we have to get out of this apartment in the next month. It sucks.
Anyhow, I hope everyone's having a nice hump-day.
<3
Question of the day: What are you going to be for Halloween?
Hey I had to post this because I just found it.....OMG made by her majesty, the gorgeous, the fantastic Elvis <3<3<3
But I can't stop now
I've got troubles of my own
Cuz I'm short on time, I'm lonely and I'm too tired, to talk.....
I'm listening to Keane, from their first album I think it is, reminds me of Ben, being together with him, happy, having fun. Damn we were a great couple when we first got together. It was him and me against the world...why'd I have to go fuck everything up? Well for one, things haven't been normal between us for about a year. It hasn't been bad, we've been going through a "rought spot" and I kinda got interested in someone else, and that went farther than it should have and now I'm sitting here, asking the advice of everyone, when it's a decision that I have to make from inside.
I went on a very possible job interview today, I got a really nice vibe from both the owners, nice small company, lots of room for advancement, fairly casual, not too far from home, I think the money would work at this point. I think getting a job is a step in the right direction to get my head on straight that's for sure. Much fun as it is to be at home, I get so lonely being by myself.
<3
I've got troubles of my own
Cuz I'm short on time, I'm lonely and I'm too tired, to talk.....
I'm listening to Keane, from their first album I think it is, reminds me of Ben, being together with him, happy, having fun. Damn we were a great couple when we first got together. It was him and me against the world...why'd I have to go fuck everything up? Well for one, things haven't been normal between us for about a year. It hasn't been bad, we've been going through a "rought spot" and I kinda got interested in someone else, and that went farther than it should have and now I'm sitting here, asking the advice of everyone, when it's a decision that I have to make from inside.
I went on a very possible job interview today, I got a really nice vibe from both the owners, nice small company, lots of room for advancement, fairly casual, not too far from home, I think the money would work at this point. I think getting a job is a step in the right direction to get my head on straight that's for sure. Much fun as it is to be at home, I get so lonely being by myself.
<3
So,
Here's the scoop. Ben and I went to dinner and a movie on Saturday night, after I spent the day with Josh and really enjoyed myself. We went shopping, Victoria's Secret, Candles, Sephora, I swear this guy is every shopping girl's dream, even a better sport than Ben I was mesmorized
Anyhow had a great day, came home, made plans with Ben so far so good.
We ate dinner, and during dinner I proceeded to admit that I had slept with Josh. He said he "already knew" and continued to act like a good sport, as we had already mutually decided we were breaking up anyhow, and taking a "break" this was not such a hard blow, and I was impressed he was taking it so well. Then I texted Josh and told him I loved him, he replied bitter and jealous b/c I was out with Ben. I told him we were talking about "us" and he continued to send me angry texts which sucked. Ben got pissed that I was texting with him while we were out, downright jealous, and he got really pissy and said I could call him and he'd go home if I preferred, which I didn't. Anyhow, after the movies, we walked to the car, he held my arm, it was like old times, and I enjoyed being with him. This is the Ben I've been missing. This is the Ben I forgot how to appreciate.
After I got home, I called Josh. I was worried he was upset, and wanted to concole him and also to go over to his place. I figured since Ben was cool with us going out, this wouldn't be an ordeal, but we got into a huge fight, crying, yelling, and I left. I was crying so hard, that Ben wouldn't let me leave b/c he said it wasn't safe for me to be driving upset like that. I thought that was sweet, and I went to Josh's to sleep over, and be with him. He made me feel better, but still deep inside, I knew how much I'd hurt Ben, because he'd finally SHOWED me, and quite honestly since then I haven't been able to get out of this rut I'm in. I just feel sad, like crying on a moment's notice, and every little damn thing reminds me of Ben. I just honestly am not sure what to do.
So Sunday night Ben and I had a conversation, and it escallated into yelling. He was so mad, I've NEVER seen him so mad. He left, I left, it was awful. I told him he shouldn't be driving upset like that, and he just talked to me for a few minutes and said he wanted to go start a bar fight or whatever, real mature. I said I was going to pick up my cell phone as I left it in Redondo at Josh's and told him I'd stay there and not come home....so he could have the apartment. I proceeded to call him all night, b/c I was so worried about him, but to no avali , he wouldn't even text me.
So today, Josh and I ended up looking for apartments. We found out b/c my credit sucks that the place we applied to yesterday the lady wouldn't take us, which sucks ass. God I hate looking for apartments. We saw a few really nice ones today, Josh took off work to spend the day with me b/c I was so upset, so we made the best of me being depressed and went looking for apartments. All the time we're looking at apartments I'm thinking about how I can't imagine living without Ben, or what would Ben think of this place, blah blah blah, but not telling Josh this. Then I'm thinking about how Ben keeps telling me I shouldn't live with Josh, b/c it's not a good idea in the early stages of a relationship, which is true, and also if I ever wanted to get back together with Ben, obviously living with Josh would hinder that some. Anyhow I came home to talk to Ben for like an hour before he went to the Kings game with my brother. I can't imagine that breaking up is supposed to be this hard. What I keep wondering is does this mean I'm still in love with Ben? I was just a fucking moron until now? I dunno....
So I told Ben tonight, that if there is one person for everyone, I really think he and I were made to be together, and relationships do work through things like this. He told me he has no respect or trust in me, so how can he love me, or trust me to be together with, and what's his assurance I wouldn't do this to him again? I told him it's early, this just happened, I don't have all the answers, but to think about it b/c I have to make a decision about where I'm going to live, and that is important with respect to our future together, or not. He said "don't count on me" whatever that means....so I don't know what to think.
Am I just doomed to fuck myself over here? Take the guy that I did all this for and flush him down the toilet b/c that would just kill that poor kid. I don't know what the fuck to do and I wonder if I should just get a place on my own, and date, or just be on my own for awhile? Then if Ben and I or Josh and I are supposed to be together it will work itself out?
Just feels so hopeless right now...
Here's the scoop. Ben and I went to dinner and a movie on Saturday night, after I spent the day with Josh and really enjoyed myself. We went shopping, Victoria's Secret, Candles, Sephora, I swear this guy is every shopping girl's dream, even a better sport than Ben I was mesmorized
Anyhow had a great day, came home, made plans with Ben so far so good.We ate dinner, and during dinner I proceeded to admit that I had slept with Josh. He said he "already knew" and continued to act like a good sport, as we had already mutually decided we were breaking up anyhow, and taking a "break" this was not such a hard blow, and I was impressed he was taking it so well. Then I texted Josh and told him I loved him, he replied bitter and jealous b/c I was out with Ben. I told him we were talking about "us" and he continued to send me angry texts which sucked. Ben got pissed that I was texting with him while we were out, downright jealous, and he got really pissy and said I could call him and he'd go home if I preferred, which I didn't. Anyhow, after the movies, we walked to the car, he held my arm, it was like old times, and I enjoyed being with him. This is the Ben I've been missing. This is the Ben I forgot how to appreciate.
After I got home, I called Josh. I was worried he was upset, and wanted to concole him and also to go over to his place. I figured since Ben was cool with us going out, this wouldn't be an ordeal, but we got into a huge fight, crying, yelling, and I left. I was crying so hard, that Ben wouldn't let me leave b/c he said it wasn't safe for me to be driving upset like that. I thought that was sweet, and I went to Josh's to sleep over, and be with him. He made me feel better, but still deep inside, I knew how much I'd hurt Ben, because he'd finally SHOWED me, and quite honestly since then I haven't been able to get out of this rut I'm in. I just feel sad, like crying on a moment's notice, and every little damn thing reminds me of Ben. I just honestly am not sure what to do.
So Sunday night Ben and I had a conversation, and it escallated into yelling. He was so mad, I've NEVER seen him so mad. He left, I left, it was awful. I told him he shouldn't be driving upset like that, and he just talked to me for a few minutes and said he wanted to go start a bar fight or whatever, real mature. I said I was going to pick up my cell phone as I left it in Redondo at Josh's and told him I'd stay there and not come home....so he could have the apartment. I proceeded to call him all night, b/c I was so worried about him, but to no avali , he wouldn't even text me.
So today, Josh and I ended up looking for apartments. We found out b/c my credit sucks that the place we applied to yesterday the lady wouldn't take us, which sucks ass. God I hate looking for apartments. We saw a few really nice ones today, Josh took off work to spend the day with me b/c I was so upset, so we made the best of me being depressed and went looking for apartments. All the time we're looking at apartments I'm thinking about how I can't imagine living without Ben, or what would Ben think of this place, blah blah blah, but not telling Josh this. Then I'm thinking about how Ben keeps telling me I shouldn't live with Josh, b/c it's not a good idea in the early stages of a relationship, which is true, and also if I ever wanted to get back together with Ben, obviously living with Josh would hinder that some. Anyhow I came home to talk to Ben for like an hour before he went to the Kings game with my brother. I can't imagine that breaking up is supposed to be this hard. What I keep wondering is does this mean I'm still in love with Ben? I was just a fucking moron until now? I dunno....
So I told Ben tonight, that if there is one person for everyone, I really think he and I were made to be together, and relationships do work through things like this. He told me he has no respect or trust in me, so how can he love me, or trust me to be together with, and what's his assurance I wouldn't do this to him again? I told him it's early, this just happened, I don't have all the answers, but to think about it b/c I have to make a decision about where I'm going to live, and that is important with respect to our future together, or not. He said "don't count on me" whatever that means....so I don't know what to think.
Am I just doomed to fuck myself over here? Take the guy that I did all this for and flush him down the toilet b/c that would just kill that poor kid. I don't know what the fuck to do and I wonder if I should just get a place on my own, and date, or just be on my own for awhile? Then if Ben and I or Josh and I are supposed to be together it will work itself out?
Just feels so hopeless right now...
Still working things out, not easy, boys are upset...one or the other, I can't win. I guess that's why it's not a good idea from the start, but I SWEAR I did not fucking intend for this to go down like this.
Seeing Ben hurt is totally killing me...
On the brighter side, Josh and I found an apt that we applied for yesterday we should find out today, a step in the right direction, eventhough I still feel hopelessly sad about Ben. I don't know what to do, we're yelling, crying, it sucks.
Ok gotta go to breakfast....
XOXOXO
Seeing Ben hurt is totally killing me...
On the brighter side, Josh and I found an apt that we applied for yesterday we should find out today, a step in the right direction, eventhough I still feel hopelessly sad about Ben. I don't know what to do, we're yelling, crying, it sucks.
Ok gotta go to breakfast....
XOXOXO
I had a really good convo with Ben tonight over Pizza, and he understands what's going on. So we are getting let out of our lease, we will be out of here by 11/01...which is a good thing. We need a break. He knows I'm seeing Josh, who is beside-himself jealous about my dinner and a movie with Ben...lol. I swear, 2 bfs is the pits.
I had a great day with Josh tho, shopping, more Victoria's Secret <3....Really amazing candles, mmmm....other stuff too you name it, Aveda, was fun. I know that it was hard on him having me and Ben spend even just a few hours together tonight, so I'm going to go to Pink's with him and maybe sleep over at his house. I hope Ben doesn't have a meltdown over this, as I haven't told him yet.
I just want things to be normal. Is that too much to ask? I know I created this fun little love triangle, but I didn't mean for it to end up this way. I just know it's going to turn out for the best. It has to
Anyhow, I hope everyone's having a good weekend.
I saw 2 movies recently both that I'd recommend:
1) the Covenant----lots of gratuitus booties, and hot young guy bodies, they are swimmers too yum yum
2) Jet Li's Fearless ----kung fu thru and thru, but good none the less
x0x0x
Cass
I had a great day with Josh tho, shopping, more Victoria's Secret <3....Really amazing candles, mmmm....other stuff too you name it, Aveda, was fun. I know that it was hard on him having me and Ben spend even just a few hours together tonight, so I'm going to go to Pink's with him and maybe sleep over at his house. I hope Ben doesn't have a meltdown over this, as I haven't told him yet.
I just want things to be normal. Is that too much to ask? I know I created this fun little love triangle, but I didn't mean for it to end up this way. I just know it's going to turn out for the best. It has to
Anyhow, I hope everyone's having a good weekend.
I saw 2 movies recently both that I'd recommend:
1) the Covenant----lots of gratuitus booties, and hot young guy bodies, they are swimmers too yum yum
2) Jet Li's Fearless ----kung fu thru and thru, but good none the less
x0x0x
Cass
Had some fun in the shower today, decided to go crazy and make a shower set, I'd love to hear what you think of it
What do you think of the brunette?
<3 Cass
Cassy-So Fresh & So Clean
What do you think of the brunette?
<3 Cass
Cassy-So Fresh & So Clean
Hey happy Thursday the week is almost over. Ben is here today, his dad's in town, then we can go get some breakfast at Toast, where I've always wanted to go....so that will be nice. I wish we were going to go to Venice Beach with them this morning but Ben didn't wanna go 
Well should be fun. I think we're going to the best Ribs place, called Mr. Cecil's...tonight for dinner. It's fun when people are in town from outta town b/c it's a good excuse to try new awesome places or eat places you've loved for years.
You'd think Los Angeles would be so awesome for food, but strangely I totally miss Minneapolis.
My family went to Laughlin today, I'm a bit sad and I feel kinda left out but they are really fuckin bugging lately so it's for the best. Oh, and I have a job interview for some piddly ass Customer Service job on Monday...hmmmmmm....Hope yer all having a good day lovies.....
<3 Cass
Well should be fun. I think we're going to the best Ribs place, called Mr. Cecil's...tonight for dinner. It's fun when people are in town from outta town b/c it's a good excuse to try new awesome places or eat places you've loved for years.
You'd think Los Angeles would be so awesome for food, but strangely I totally miss Minneapolis.
My family went to Laughlin today, I'm a bit sad and I feel kinda left out but they are really fuckin bugging lately so it's for the best. Oh, and I have a job interview for some piddly ass Customer Service job on Monday...hmmmmmm....Hope yer all having a good day lovies.....
<3 Cass
Another fun day of freaking job search, I'm so sick of it. But I have to stop obsessing on DR (www.drugrunners.com) and actually concentrate on it. You know I didn't make myself look like a clone for no reason.
Ben's dad's in town tonight, I hope I have time with Josh, but I dunno. Ben's sick AGAIN, which sucks, he better not get me sick! I guess construction leads are kinda low right now so work isn't great, not so good for us since Ben is our main source of income, ugh. Well he'll figure something out.
Anyhow...
Messy boys suck...Ben is such a slob he leaves his shit EVERYWHERE in here and he's totally just not conscious of it and it makes me BATTY. Okay PMS girls unite.
I'll shut up now Can we tell I'm a brat?
Cass
Ben's dad's in town tonight, I hope I have time with Josh, but I dunno. Ben's sick AGAIN, which sucks, he better not get me sick! I guess construction leads are kinda low right now so work isn't great, not so good for us since Ben is our main source of income, ugh. Well he'll figure something out.
Anyhow...
Messy boys suck...Ben is such a slob he leaves his shit EVERYWHERE in here and he's totally just not conscious of it and it makes me BATTY. Okay PMS girls unite.
I'll shut up now
Can we tell I'm a brat?Cass
