I haven't posted in a really long time. I'm a failure at that, I know it now. The only reason I'm up this fucking early is because I thought I had a midterm at 9:30 but apparently its snowing and Washington D.C. doesn't know how to handle snow so they canceled my class. Which relieves me. But pisses me off because I just woke up and now i can't sleep again but I want to. Lots of shit has been going down around me. Not really with me. I guess I see through the bullshit. It's a lot easier to tell people off or not bite their bait to get the sympathy and start the use me-abuse me cycle. I love being in control of my self as well as my emotions. I used to be one of those people that tries to save everyone. I never got to know anyone based off of who they were as people but rather I would ask them their problems and then the relationship would be based on that. I constantly felt guilty and blamed myself for everything. Pretty pivotal to creating an environment where I pretty much lose every fucking time. So I went to therapy. I was pretty skeptical but after about 7 months, it actually worked. Of course the root of my problems started in childhood. I was abused at a young age. And then my step dad comes along and he runs a military style regime in my own house with impossible tasks and kills my childhood. So i'm naturally a little guarded and bitter. But i've let a lot of it go. Things I used to think that were taboo I can now do. It is ok to think about myself. It is ok to be able to not make everyone happy. And it is ok to make one of my primary goals in life to find love. To allow love to be more precise. It's all helped me. So until I have another exam canceled or I just decide to write, here's to a good week and a hell of a year.

I was there. That seems to be a recurring theme throughout my life. It's really how I look at my life to begin with. I was there in the worst times of my life with the family abuse. I was there in the good times with fond memories that I long to bring back but know I must never take that road for it never lets me progress. I was there when tragedy struck Oklahoma City in April of 95, I could feel the tremors of the building collapsing. I was there waiting in suspense as to what to do on 9/11. And now I can say I was there, as the nation welcomed the first African American President. I was there in the parade route watching the procession. I was there as he came by. I was there in a city that catered to 3 million more people than it is truly designed to do. I was there as I could hear his inaugural speech that echoed throughout the city on loudspeakers as everyone fell to a silence only championed by death itself. I was there as people began to cry and weep with joy as they heard the powerful words of a president who has decided to shoulder the burden not only as a family man but now as the President of United States of America. I was there. I was there. When people ask me in the future, that will be my only reply. Not describing what it was like, not going into details and nuances, not even talking about the feelings I myself had. Not because i'm selfish. But because there are simply no words to describe the feelings I had. I had emotions just as much as anyone else. I teared up with people next to me I didn't even know, vagabonds and the rich embraced as if they were lifelong friends. Because on that day, those who truly understand the message our President spoke of, it didn't matter what reservations you might have had with anyone. For we are one, that was the message that started the process and that is the message that truly finished it. And for me to go into details, I would be here posting infinite pages to no end. Not because of the numerous amount, but because the experience keeps growing everyday. The message is resonating within me and I will hold that until the day that I die. Nothing can take that away. So to my friends and family, I say only this. I was there.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/30177797@N02/

So I know i passed my week long initiative but i'm human and lazy and therefore feel that within a good 14 days should be enough. School here just started back up again. I'm happy my professors are all about striking back at the administration so my books are about 200 bucks instead of 600 like they could be. Also i keep running into a lot of professors who have been on tv and end up talking to them because they teach a class. My math and politics class is based off a physicists class at UVA called how stuff works? Which is basically physics for nonmajors . So my math is how to predict elections without knowing real math. But I didn't know this professor had talked to the lawyer who sued big tobacco and won who happens to be a professor here as well. So I met Banzhaff as well ( See Banzhaff in Supersize Me where he takes on fast food for making people fat). Likewise my advisor is a regular contributor to world archaeology and ends up on National Geographic all the damn time. Funny guy, looks serious on tv but he drinks like no other, I know, I took him out for a beer. So this week in general is pretty damn exciting here in DC. Really it seems this is where my 50k a year goes. Everything is getting set up for inauguration and I just heard there will be a free concert with Bruce Springsteen, U2, Beyonce and others about 3 blocks down from me at the Lincoln Memorial area this upcoming Sunday. So i'll be swinging by that shindig later as well. I plan on taking massive amounts of photos and hopefully getting recognition for these this time. I found some of my photos were taken and used on peoples websites in the past particularly for the anti-war protest I was in but hey, I'm not here to make money, I just want my name out there. So heres to a good week, hopefully filled with Flickr dreams and I hope everyone finds the inauguration as exciting as I do wherever you may be.

P.S. If you're in the area, let me know, might have couches for you to crash on if you need em

Set of the week- My pride of a newcomer- Zosey-Soaking up the sun.... Love it

5 Songs that don't suck-

1. Beck- Nobodys Fault (But My Own)
2. The Bravery- Believe
3. Cold- Cure My Tragedy
4. The Duke Spirit- Win Your Love
5. The Eels- Your Lucky Day in Hell


Korean War Monument
Even the geese came back for inauguration
Couldn't resist the lighting
Got pee?

Oh happy day its the new year. Time to reflect on what happened in the past year....Ok awesome. Glad I had time to reflect. Sitting here with a headache while listening to my itunes, I thought about why I joined this site in the very beginning. I used to think it was because I was a horny 16 year old at the time. But I don't think that was it. Something lured me to this site and its women. But I think today I figured out that it was the candid nature of the women here that sucked me in. These women are exposed. Not just literally with their pictures but also emotionally. It became evident that these beautiful women were baring their souls to anyone who would listen. And thus, I realized that SG was more than a site. It was a therapy session. A long, supportive, unconventional therapy with amazing results. It offers empowerment, protection, love, support, and a constant in the lives in so many. But its the voice that it offers to so many that allows it to become something special.

I think i've come to rely on the site itself even though I myself am not equipped to be an SG. God just didn't feel I would make a great lady. But in reality, I've used this site as a opportunity to learn about the opposite sex in a way that only few can. Because unlike a majority of men on here who come on and leave comments on sets and blogs that most would expect, "your hot", "love your tits", "get more dirty next time" and more and more of the trash, I decided to listen instead. I read the stories of happiness, heartbreak, depression, medical problems, life problems, mindless ramblings, and the general. I read them all. And I learned that women are truly beautiful creations that must be cared for and nurtured just as much as they want to care and nurture for men. Constant and stability seem to be the key words of the day for most every problem. Remaining true to myself, not changing and not becoming a disloyal prick who cares only for himself. Yet chasing my dreams and being happy myself is key and crucial to women as well. I think it boils down to wanting to be a part of each others lives and sharing in the glory as well as the hard times so that in the end you can each look at each with loving eyes and each say "we made it babe." I think that is the beauty of the end we can all hope to achieve.

It should be no surprise that I've had horrible luck with women.Even though I have nailed some key points on the understanding of women, it doesn't mean I would be great at relationships. Even the guy who wrote the Kama Sutra was supposedly a virgin. Even though I listen, I care, I nurture, and I even embrace the bad boy appearance with the heart of gold, I still fail miserably. It takes a toll. It takes a huge toll truth be told. I've even had to get counseling to figure this one out. Something that I normally wouldn't do. Inevitably with all of the soul searching, I found that it's not always my fault (I blame myself for everything) and that I have to chase my own dreams and not give into someone else completely. Once I saw it from the other side perspective (I have a woman counselor), I could see that giving up on my dreams, not vocalizing my passions and constantly devoting myself to a girl lays a huge sense of guilt and worry that maybe they were hindering me from moving on. Factor in the nice guys finish last mantra and you've got me. So I've made changes in life. I've started to dare myself and do things I normally wouldn't do. I joined social clubs. I'm taking ballroom dancing lessons. I'm going to audition for theater. I'm going to hike mountains in West Virginia and might spend spring break in Joshua Tree if my finances permit. I've spent so much time pent up and wondering what life could be like, I missed out on a lot of key years. But no longer will I do that. Because life is about fun. Its a playground and it has so much to offer. And hopefully I'll meet the right girl that pushes me and loves me for being just me.

5 Songs that don't suck:

1. The Beta Band- Dry the Rain
2. Zero 7- In the Waiting Line
3. Rock Kills Kid- Hideaway
4. Radiohead- High and Dry
5. Gorillaz- Kids With Guns

Set of the Week:

Holley- Charmer..... shes got charm what can I say?
Ok since this is my last full day here at home, I took my new camera out for a spin on the town, my flickr link has the rest up on my profile or for you lazy folks its here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/30177797@N02/ I think they turned out decent.

New Camera with some new editing tools Shots of a hometown lakeLonely woman looking beyondOKC Bombing MemorialMidwest Night Lights

Ok, so i figure i needed some motivation to blog on here because, well, i'm paying for this blog. Not that i'm complaining. Hot naked alt girls writing things on my blog certainly keeps me going. And I think blogs are a good form of therapy. So i will try to write at least once a week and become more active on this site since I never was to begin with. And by saying that, I'm going to post 5 songs that are my songs of the week I can't get out of my head and my favorite set of the week from SG and the hopefuls are in that running as well. Not that my opinion counts but like I said before on the last blog, I was here for the beginning, I know what I like.

Thank god the holidays are over. I had to travel to missouri (misery???) which to me is right up there with Kansas and Nebraska for being a long boring ass drive. Upon coming home I also realized two things in life. Leaving a coke in the freezer over 3 days is a bad thing to do and my two dogs really have no idea what the hell their names are because I never really stuck with one name. The white chihuahua is Pancho, but I call him various names such as Pancho Rockers, The white one, Skinny boy, and Pussy. Hes naturally a confused poor soul. And my doe colored one is called Godzilla (Think taco bell commercials). I call him 'zilla, fat boy, zilly rompers,and Piss ant. So naturally they both don't answer to their real names. But I love them and they love me just the same

But now that the holidays are over, I'm severely ready to get back to DC. Oklahoma has its high points.....or point.....well it has charm, but I really want my civilian urban life back in DC. And the inauguration is coming and I have a prime housing assignment from college that puts me a mere 5 blocks from the white house. I miss my new friends and the old ones have nothing to do with me and strangely i'm becoming ok with that. I'm moving on and taking chances and living it up at the age of 23 and I really think life is starting to go my way.

So with all that being said so far, i'll keep commenting on peoples sets and writing on peoples profiles and now for my personal rankings to keep me busy.

Best set of the week: LoveLola- Indian Summer, I love the simplicity and the artistic shots and the smile she brings to the camera. It really seemed like a fun set and less about rebellion and more about life appreciation.

Five Songs:

1. So Long, Goodbye- 10 years- This song says it all for anyone who wants to get past the troublesome people in their lives that they keep giving chances too and put optimism in the next life.

2. 23- Jimmy Eat World- Given the fact I just turned 23 not too long ago, it has its novelty. I'm sure it will wear off sometime.

3. Gabrielle- Shades Apart- I know no girl named Gabrielle but hey, its got a catch to it.

4. Shooting Star- Bad Company- I mean come one, who does not sing along with this song??

5. Boxer's Wife- Trentalange- I love the melody and the haunting tone. It gets to you after a while.


The Low Jack Crew The Only Sight I like in Missouri Highway Art Objects may be closer...

Good lord and thank heaven my school year is over with. Private school is not harder than public, believe me I have that experience far over anyone else you'll meet, but the people can be such needy bitches to the point I miss the wide open space of my home state. The only problem is there is too much damn open space out here with nothing to do. I came back mainly because I was kicked out of my dorm for the holidays and because I wanted to see old friends. But they don't seem to want to see me. Which I guess is ok. Its not really hurting me this time as much. Sure i have the pangs of hurt that come and go and I really wish they would put the same kind of care and love into me that I try to put into them but it's also their choice, not mine. I haven't been active on SG lately which is sad, I really need to jumpstart it again like I used to. I'm almost obligated these days, I was here in 2000 when it started and I was about 3 years underage but I found my ways to be a member. I remember the models that got me intrigued Flux, Tegan, Mary, Fractal, etc. They all caught my eye. And I think it really shaped my outlook on women. The girly girl sorority girls with their daddys credit card just doesn't do anything for me. I like the excitement of the alternative girl. Problem is I usually get run over and destroyed but hey, it comes with the territory and has made me stronger and more confident that maybe I'm not the one thats fucked up. So heres to a great christmas and hopefully a great new year that I can look forward to.

Not suicidal now, just sick as hell. Seems i'm paying the price to god for thinking badly about myself. Lately i'm obsessed with flickr. Cannot stop posting random picks of DC but i get some damn good shots for a cheap camera I feel. School is dragging on and I'm starting to think i'm committing to the facade I've created. I truly am living the double life now. A frat boy who doesn't care and does what he wants. And then theres me inside. The geek who likes odd photos, walks at night, alternative music, and sees the irony and humor in the little things. Its almost like this outer persona is my armor for the battle of life. I can take it off at anytime but it protects me so damn well.

I feel i'm a prisoner trapped in my own mind. Forced to see everything I don't want to see play over and over. A torturous contraption with no mercy. I'm at the will of my greatest enemy. The one that knows my every secret and desire. The one that can destroy me at a given time and strike at any moment. How do I escape the perfect weapon, my own mind. This is depression in its most candid and vivid form. Why am I not good enough? Why have I failed those I car about so deeply? Why can others not put effort into me as much as I put into them? Why am I being attacked by my own inner thoughts and mind? Why is my consciousness not on my side to make me happy? Why is it trying to bring me down?The trigger. The trigger. Being forgotten, feeling as if no one would care if i lived or died today. Not having the closeness to people when you need it. The only network I have is family but thats a definite road to being told to shape up. Nothing I hear makes me feel better. I see through the veils of lies and cliche remarks. " you mean everything to people." "Death is not the answer, you mean something." There's always this such and such number, place, website, testimonials of those who were saved. How is a number or a website going to convince me that yes, i am valuable? How can I identify with someone who knows nothing of me or my past. It's not convincing enough even with people who do know my past. Nothing helps me. And I truly feel alone when even my support groups can't relate. These services won't solve my problems. They just provide the means for a school to say 'yes, we have services to prevent harm, its this number." but it doesn't solve anything. What do I do? What do i do? The fam is a shut down, the friends triggered the depression thats a no go, the suicide lines and 24 hour help are bs with their impersonal help and religion hasn't helped me in 15 years. What do I do? I wish everyday that my head was free and clear. That I could just worry about stupid things. That I have people who care about me and contact me when they think I'm feeling down. Not because I tell them, but because they just know that I'm down. Where is my help? Where are the people that are as intuitive as me? Where are the ones that can understand me and my problems? Where are the people that speak my language? Why do I feel alone everyday?

Suicidal. Suicidal. What does that really even mean? Am I ready to take my own life? I think under any given circumstance that deems it a worthy cause i would do it. But does it go from suicide to a self sacrifice? To die, to give a purpose to someone and make them see that death is very real to each and every one of us. It could hit home. I'm not mentally ill. I'm not from an abused house. I don't rebel against the norms of society, I welcome them in fact. I don't fit any profile a psychologist can throw at me, and yet here I am, probably at my most depressed state. Why are you not happy? You always look depressed? Spend a day looking through the veil I see the world through and it won't take but a few minutes to swing you to my side. But no, no I can't be this way. I don't fit a profile. I don't match a statistic. I have to be happy because i'm not a bum or a misfortunate case. I write to show that depression and suicidal thoughts are not discriminatory. They don't care who you are or what you did. They latch onto you and remind you constantly of the dismal state you're in. Emotional triggers everywhere around me, i'm in a world of pain that I can't even escape even in my mind. Why then do we label everything in our world with a tag and symptoms? How can we strive to be different when in fact, being different is now a class of people. Rebel? Ten thousand people rebel in any given moment. There is no difference in our world. We sustain. We Love. We die. We are all the same.

I'm a scorpio. Thats a water sign. I love to take long strolls on the beach at moonlight even though the moon is covered by rain clouds and we have no beaches in a land locked state. What else could you want from me?