i'm in the worst mood ever. I'm fucked up. i'm distraught. i'm having trouble focusing.

my thoughts are scattered, and my brain feels fuzzy.


in other words, i'm stoned as fuck.


and therefore, I'm being extremely honest right now...




I'm at my wits end. i'm tired of getting my heart broken time and again. guys using me... my heart being smashed to pulp. i'm tired of FUCKING CARING for egomaniac, bullshitting, motherfucking players.


ALWAYS THE SAME.


ALWAYS ASSHOLES.


ALWAYS DICKWADS.



i know this doesn't sound like me. i'm not usually this mean or fucking candid like this on here... i usually like to talk about happy things and beauty and art and poetry and squids... but this occassion (sp? i always screw up that word dammit) seriously calls for it.


i'm tired of being screwed over. time and again.

i'm standing up for myself this time.

no more bullshit.

no more empty promises.

no more giving,


and not receiving.



i hate having the feelings that i do. i hate that i give a shit. i'm going to stay away from drama at all costs.

no more highschool bullshit.


::jealousy:: =


i'm not usually a jealous person. i'm hardly ever jealous. So when i am, i hate myself for it. i think that if the other person involved doesn't want me, doesn't try to be with me, doesn't try to get to know me, then fuck him/her. i'm not going to be jealous over someone who doesn't really want me anyways. he/she's not worth it.


anyways, i'm over it. i'm done. i'm through.



no more relationships. no more men... maybe women... but no more emotions getting invested. at least for a little while.


i'm closing myself down. no more fucked-up relationships. no more putting myself out there. i just don't care anymore.


over.

done.

First photos of giant squid show it very active
SignOnSanDiego.com

By Takanori Isshiki


TOKYO – The first photographs of a live giant squid – one of the most mysterious creatures in the deep ocean – suggest it is a more active creature than previously thought, a Japanese scientist said on Wednesday.

Until now the only information about the behaviour of the creatures which measure up to 18 metres (59 feet) in length has been based on dead or dying squid washed up on shore or captured in commercial fishing nets.

But Tsunemi Kubodera, of the National Science Museum, and Kyoichi Mori of the Ogasawara Whale Watching Association, both in Tokyo have captured the first images of Architeuthis attacking bait 900 metres (yards) below the surface in the cold, dark waters of the North Pacific.

'Up to now, giant squids were thought to be relatively sluggish squids that stay in deep waters without moving much ... But we found out that they move around pretty actively,' Kubodera told Reuters in an interview.

Kubodera and Mori published their unprecedented finding in the journal Proceedings B of the Royal Society on Wednesday.

Kubodera said he was particularly struck by the way the giant squid – which was captured on film in a sequence of photographs taken every 30 seconds – tangled its prey in its elongated feeding tentacles.

'It's probably almost exactly the same as the way giant snakes wrap up their prey ... with their bodies,' said Kubodera as he stood before a mounted specimen of a separate giant squid displayed at the National Science Museum in the Japanese capital.

'That surprised me a little bit,' he said.

The Japanese scientists found the squid by following sperm whales, the most effective hunters of giant squid, as they gathered to feed between September and December in the deep waters off the coast of the Ogasawara Islands in the North Pacific.

They used a remote long-line camera and depth logging system to capture the giant squid in the ocean depths.

The photos showed the giant squid thrashing its tentacles about after one of its tentacles got caught on a hook that the bait had been attached to.

It eventually escaped, but left behind a part of a white tentacle.

'When we stuck our fingers out it (the tentacle) stuck on pretty firmly. It got stuck on the deck of the boat ... and didn't come off easily. It was still alive,' Kubodera said, referring to the tentacle.

Little is known about giant squids, which may have been the basis for the legend of the 'kraken' – huge, tentacled monsters that sailors claimed to have encountered in seas off Norway in the 18th century.

Despite the surprising activity of the giant squid captured on film, Kubodera said he thought it lived too deep underwater to pose a menace to sailors like the legendary sea monster.

'They live in areas 900 metres to 1,000 metres deep although they come up at night to around 400 metres to 500 metres.

'It's unthinkable that the giant squid that we photographed would come up to the surface and drag ships down like that,' Kubodera said, referring to the kraken of legend.

'But with the ocean, there are still many unknowns,' he added.




**I sure as hell wouldn't want to be in the water with that thing!! Holy shit!!

I changed my "5 items I can't live without" to:


art.
poetry.
love.
compassion.
sex.












a turning point
in my life,
alone as usual







i feel like my heart is dying
i feel like such a fool
again

After all the drama that's been going on around SG lately, and the fact that my favorite SG, Stormy, has now left, I took a little break from the site and was deciding on whether I even wanted to stay...

Now that I've had some time to think about it, I've decided that I still enjoy the site too much to leave. There have been a hell of a lot of changes going on, many of which makes me sad and disappointed that they've had to happen, but in the end, I enjoy the community that I've found here. I like that there have been so many new girls coming to the site - it keeps it fresh and diverse, and how can you not love more naked chicks? Maybe the quality of the sets isn't always the greatest, but I still love the fact that any "real" girl who wants to be an SG has the chance to showcase her beauty and uniqueness to the world. It's not just limited to fake blonds with fake boobs and porn-star bodies. With so many girls on this site (and counting!), there's a different favorite SG out there for everyone.

Regardless of the rumors going around MySpace and LiveJournal and the fact that many of the more well-known models have left, I still enjoy my time here. I won't say that some of the anti-SG opinions haven't influenced my perceptions of the site, but after a lot of consideration, I realize that none of that really matters to me. After all, I never personally met or knew any of those ex-SGs involved in the drama, so I really can't know the truth behind the situation, only what is revealed online. Even if everything I've heard is true, it doesn't change the fact that SG has a fun, interesting, and intelligent community of members that do enjoy interacting with each other on here. I've personally met some really awesome people off this site and have learned so much through the various forums and groups. Not to mention that I enjoy posting entries! I like that friends and even people I don't know can have a little glimpse into my eclectic, and often chaotic, world.

All that being said, I do feel the void left behind by the SGs who have left the site. It saddens me that they couldn't have stayed behind for their fans or for the community at least. It was too damn abrupt (at least for those members who had no idea that any drama was going on at all), and of course, they will all be missed. I remind myself though that the heart of the site doesn't just rest on them - SG isn't supposed to be a popularity contest or a clamoring for the spotlight (even if that does tend to happen). SG, in my opinion, is about embracing diversity, beauty, evolution, uniqueness, eclecticism... it's about coming together to share a love for beautiful, bold women and learning about and from each other.

The SuicideGirls are art to me. I'm here to stay.



Anyways, now for a crazy explosion of recent photos:

I find this very interesting.

The Silent Slaughter .01
A deviation by ~ragamuffin-designs (© 2004-2005)



according to ragamuffin-designs at DeviantArt:

"From the first performance in KCMO. The silent slaughter is a textile based perfomance peice orchestrated by artist emi hemeyer. Using recycled and organic materials, dying techniques, and natural decomposition.... the models are intended to represent American women stripped of their voices and lives by reproductive restraints. This performance crashed galleries during KC's First Night gallery crawl, still more to come. Check out Emi Hemeyer for more info. please email or leave comments if you're interested in participating or would like to see a Silent Slaughter performance near you."

*revised version*
my words are always a work in progress.

See revised version above.

This one is null and void.

WHOA!! Did you check out Marigold's lastest set???

It blows my mind away!! I adore it's originality, simplicity, honesty, artistic beauty... it's a breath of fresh air on this site.

My favorite pics:








Artists and poets always have my heart.

existential dilemma
by me

i’ve been feeling restless lately.
autumn is changing my moods into colored leaves.
the night breathes in and out, exhaling
cigarettes and insecurities,
beat poems and pot smoke,
words tumbling into the cracks in the sidewalks,
like quivering seeds stretching their roots into a paved reality.
my heart assumes the fetal position.
my mind assumes the worst.
i decide to escape from myself, and from the darkness
that plagues my dreams.

i greet the next morning with a weary acceptance
and a quiet resolve.
daylight means bloodshot eyes, cracked lips, and a headache
that splits me open. wasted thoughts spill out.
another shitty hangover. another fake smile.
time to smoke the pipe again. the same mindless drivel.
days seem to come and go, the pages are full yet blank.
shadows creep in unforeseen places, grasping onto the last drips
of the moon.
colored leaves gather in the courtyard, and i wonder
where my mind’s gone. i don’t remember.
the leaves dance in the wind like mini acrobats on parade,
exposed, yet invisible, and it’s not long
before they blow away.

God, I hate hangovers. Especially the one I have right now. I just re-read that last entry - boy, was I really fucked up when I wrote that. haha, it really makes me laugh actually. Out of all the things to write, that's what spews out of my brain when intoxicated. It's partially true, but I'm not that caught up in self-loathing right now. I'm just ready for some changes is all.

I'm reading Chuck Palahniuk's Invisible Monsters right now. The cover drew me in; the artist in me tends to measure a book by its cover. I truly believe that it says a lot about a book... in any case, there's hot pink paint splattered fiercely across the mouth of a black-and-white cartoon of a crowned woman. She doesn't look fazed in the least bit. She stares vacantly at you, slathered in paint, tarnished by the monster within her. Or so I would assume. I liked the idea of the book immediately. A fashion model who loses her beautiful face to a freak accident, and suddenly goes from having it all to having nothing at all - not even a face. A desperate tale of drugs, sex, money, power, inhumanity, and the struggle for reinvention... now that's my kind of story.

Give me malice.
Flash.
Give me drama.
Flash.
Give me self-absorbed sickos.
Flash.


And now, let's get psychological:

PHYSICAL BEAUTY INVOLVES MORE THAN GOOD LOOKS
by Emily Carlson

MADISON, Wis. -- There is more to beauty than meets the stranger's eye, according to results from three studies examining the influence of non-physical traits on people's perception of physical attractiveness.

The results, which show that people perceive physical appeal differently when they look at those they know versus strangers, are published in the recently released March issue of Evolution and Human Behavior.

In many studies evaluating physical attractiveness, people are often shown an array of strangers' photos, computer-generated images or line drawings and asked to identify which ones, based on differences in physical features, are most attractive. Results from these studies suggest that physically attractive traits include high degrees of bilateral facial symmetries, such as eyes that are identical in shape and size, and waist-to-hip ratios of 0.7 for women and 0.9 for men.

"You can find study after study that focuses on which waist-to-hip ratios or particular facial features people find physically attractive, and these studies have captured popular attention," says Kevin Kniffin, an honorary fellow in the anthropology department at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and an adjunct assistant professor at Binghamton University.

Kniffin co-authored the Evolution and Human Behavior paper with David Sloan Wilson, an evolutionary biologist at Binghamton University.

While these past studies do show which features people find physically appealing after just a glance, they overlook the non-physical traits that may influence a person's perception of another's beauty over time. In other words, people may see physical attractiveness differently when they know that person's other qualities, usually invisible to strangers, says Kniffin.

Pressures selecting for the influence of non-physical traits on the perception of physical beauty have operated across millennia. According to evolutionary theory, many animals, including humans, are attracted to those who are likely to increase their own fitness -- the likelihood of surviving and reproducing.

In the case of humans, "the fitness value of potential social partners depends at least as much on non-physical traits -- whether they are cooperative, dependable, brave, hardworking, intelligent and so on -- as physical factors, such as smooth skin and symmetrical features," says Wilson. "It follows that non-physical factors should be included in the subconscious assessment of beauty."

To systematically consider the influence of non-physical traits on how people who are familiar with each other perceive physical appeal, Kniffin and Wilson conducted three studies of beauty involving people who know each other and people who don't. For all studies, the participants were asked to rate physical attractiveness and non-physical traits such as liking, respect and talent. Strangers rated only physical attractiveness.

In the first study, the participants rated people photographed in high school yearbooks, including one that belonged to each participant. In the second, members of a college sports team, as well as strangers, rated each team member. Finally, students in a summer archaeological excavation course rated each other on the first day of class and six weeks later at the end of the course.

"In each case, non-physical traits known only to familiars, such as how much the person was liked, respected and contributed to shared goals, had a large effect on the perception of physical attractiveness that was invisible to the strangers," says Wilson.

Each study provided an illustrative example of this finding. For instance, one middle-aged subject who had not seen the familiar person photographed in the yearbook for decades responded with absolute disgust when she recalled the person's character and described that person as ugly. In the sports team study, team members considered the slacker to be ugly and one of the leaders to be physically attractive, while strangers, blind to the members' relative contributions, rated them as equally attractive on the basis of photographs. And, after six weeks of working together on an archaeological dig, students' perception of physical attractiveness changed based on interactions during the course.

In a world where people are bombarded with messages about physical attractiveness from magazines, television and advertisements, the researchers say their results point to the influence of other traits on people's perception of physical beauty. Kniffin adds that he hopes these findings may encourage the consumers of this information to rethink the value of cosmetic surgery, especially if it involves risk.

At the end of their paper, the researchers offer this beauty tip: "If you want to enhance your physical attractiveness, become a valuable social partner."

Look at what that did for Abraham Lincoln.

"During his lifetime, he was regarded as so ugly that he once quipped, 'If I were two-faced, do you think I would be wearing this one?'" says Wilson. "Yet his physical features have become beloved, not because of their physical qualities per se, but because of what they stand for."