So I talked tough. The truth is I hate love. I hate when I fall in love. It's only happened a few times in my life really. A few others I could see how a woman had this perfection about her and could imagine the ways we could make eachother happy but I knew those wouldn;t work out. I could picture them when they were sad when I ended it and it made me sad. I thought how the fuck does this world have such strange occurences. Then tried to never think about again. Except when it was me who had the broken heart. The big one made me so sad so i went on a fucking binge. But I couldn't stop thinking about her so I just got really sad. Then life got all fucked up. Then I joined the army. After years it went away.

I started a few relationships when I was better but they didn't work out for various reasons which was fine. So I just lived and figured my shit out. Then as it always seems to happen I wasn't looking for it, life was getting better and better successes were mounting and I was just enjoying life. Went to an afternoon hockey game with a good, old friend and it happened to be the Saturday that St. Patty's day is celebrated on. It was a happen-stance conversation in the middle of the street. It started, "That guy just asked me to strap a dildo on and fuck him. He thought I was a cross dresser." WHAT. I mean seriously you don't expect those words to usher in love. Not in a million years. It was awful really but then when I started saying the fucked up shit I always say it really didn't matter. Then when you're getting to know a girl and at the same time helping to babysit her overly-drunken sister and getting to know one another you're like fuck. No guards, "high-light reel you," just plain you. Impressing with the slightest hint of pretense only in the mocking pretenses sort of pretense and bam. The bus you didn't see coming that used to be the fucking arrow in the ass hits ya.

Then you fall hard. But there's those ideals tha get in the way sometimes. You forget about the person. You start thinking fuck I'm going to be in Iraq in a few months again. There's precious little time and you start panicing and there's distance between you, physical distance for a short time. And you're thinking man I'd love to do this with her. I always wanted to do this because it'd be special. And people get busy and you want to spend some time with her but it's a fucking telephone and you can say shit on the phone but it gets hard after a while. But it's hard not to think that one of the two guys she lives with might make move. You're envious of those fucks though they supposedly have no chance. But you remember when that was you and two girls and you used to date one and basically were fuck buddies the whole time you lived together. And it twists the mind a bit. Then she's not calling or texting like she was. Goes camping a few days without her phone and no fucking explanation. It's fucked really. All you want is to get a call or a text to hear those three words again. Feel reassured. But you texted her a bit freaked out because the last text you got when you were in the shower late at night was I missed you but I'll talk to you tommorrow. You buy flowers for her the next morning because finals are coming up and she's been stressed and you want to make her happy and excited and take the stress away for a few moment.s Sort of put order into the chaos. No call and the day moves on. And you're thinking she's avoiding me because she's hooked up with someone. I mean how can you not? So you send a text saying tell what's going on because in the back of your mind you're thinking my god maybe she was raped, beaten or murdered or had some strange illness and no one knows to contact you. But you're hoping maybe it's just another guy and at least she's all right. then you recall what it's like to be raped. And it's fucked up really. So you write a text saying just tell you're okay because I'm afraid.

And in the end really it's all about being scared shitless because you find yourself vulnerable and really we're always vulnerable to so many things but we like to pretend things are fine and orderly and the next day will be somewhat like the last but that gets boring so you look for a little excitement. Then she texts you about the camping and you call her back b/c you're driving back home going 90 and it's hard to text going 90 on a two lane highway. And it seems like everything's fine but you sense an awkwardness. Then you don't hear from her.
And you beat your head over and over.

I declare war on all women. I decided to be nice to my girlfriend and as predictable as can be she's gone and pissed me off.

That was my final attempt at having a relationship. It's possible she's lost her phone. It's possible she's been busy or some ungodly thing has happened. But I generally have a sense for these things. Because of this I will simply revert back to ways of being an ass hole. I'm going back to fuck'em and leave'em. This should be one hell of a summer, the time I have to go out will be spent seeing how many women I can fuck in roughly six weeks of time if I have that much available to me.

I imagine this free account thing should end fairly soon so I'll be out.

Besides I'm out and about enjoying life, so not so much time to always waste my time on the internet.

The thing is most of you can't understand why someone like me enjoys being a warrior except when you feel the excitement in a film. You might even think that war films are like war when in the end very few and not so much.

How can I be this and be a loving person who appreciates the beauty of the world and wish that moe suffering would be ended? Why do I loe freedom so much and am not sure the wars I fight in help further their cause? because we can pretend we have the information or knowledge to make judgement calls on life. In the end, we are a;; fallible human beings most of whom rarely apply knowledge which to me is the act of wisdom, knowing how or when to apply knowledge. We have no real idea why were are what we are or where we're going except at quiet times we sense something and it's probvably too heavy for us so we go back into this noisy world.

I hope that you lives are great and fullfilling. That you come to understand others, those that you fear or do not understand or can't understand allow for your short-sitedness and limits before judging someone. To smile like the sun and shed some warmth on the world. To not think that money and things are everything. To trulu share with someone in need. To reach out evey once in a while to help someone. Never trust the government no matter how good of a job someone might be doing(though I haven't seen that yet).

Why are women so fucking easy to please? How are their men out there that don't have a clue what they're doing? It's so fucking easy. I can almost go step by step with slight variations. Because you always need variation of speed and thrust, tongue, what you say to them.

And why do women not trust good men? When ever I'm an ass hole I can't scrape you all off my boots fast enough without the phone ringing or flirtation that borders on offense. But when I show my kindness. When I say this is who I am they assume I have some sort of vast closet stuffed full of insecurities. The fuck I do! Sure I've had my bad times. People have tried to murder me in numerous ways, one fucked me uninvited, been smoked by a bat and still I stand. Bombs, bullets, fists and feet and all I've got are a few scars and a certain level of skepticism. I have no qualms about my fears. I know if the shit goes down and gets crazy I'm the one anyone that needs to count on can count on. But I'm not into greed so you won't see me working some fucking job that figures out an angle and dresses it up as legitimate and steals. The only thing I regularly steal are hearts and on lonely nights they haunt me. I'd like to breed to find the solace of the other half the perfection of two opposites coming together and learning acceptance. Striving. Striving and living, giving and getting, sharing, taking part in not jocking, plotting, climbing, contriving. One shot, One kill. Always a thrill to kick in a door not knowing what's on the other side. Flying into the locked doors of subconscious and keeping the talisman of hybris around your neck to know your limits and where you can not transverse. Empathy not Apathy. Forgiveness not damnation. Words that bind. Honor. Memory that's long and hard. Accomplishment. All in the end surviving. This hostile universe seeking to snuff out our breath every moment of every second. In us all the destroyer that both belongs to us and is seperate; Yearning to rip open and howl, scratch and scream and devastate.

I'm hitting a sweet spot in life.

I don't care about all the bull shit. Insecurties are fleeing in a masss drove of obviously not needed fears or concerns. My life has bourne out my ability to surivive some pretty harsh situations. I have been trained to kill and to save lives. I'm more about wisdom than straight up knowledge. I guess it's like this you can train a guy to play the piano for twenty-some odd years and learn him up and down and across and sideways when it comes to the contruction of music and then a five year old kid can sit at a piano and play music that man has tried to wring out of the depths of his soul. The kids alive and the man's long since started living in the house of the mummies.


There's a beauty to truth. There's a beauty to knowing we all have limits and that were fallible and shit happens and it can be perfectly random or already divined but you'll suffer it one way or the other.

Me I'm gonna rock out and float on througha few songs and enjoy the day. Watch complexity fall away,
jump in puddles, get dirty and enjoy the texture of the mud.
Watch two people outside their cars argue you right and wrong while I get along just sitting and listening to my song. Then I'm gonna find a big hill to roll and tumble down. Feel the grass making my back itchy when it's alchemy combines with my sweat and dig that feeling of butterflies dancing in my tummy and the pure joy.

See from a distance a man and woman struggling with their emotions and coming out screaming with hurt looks sculpted in their faces.

i'm gonna walk up to random beauty and plant a kiss on her and walk on. Temporal and temporary. I'm going to carry on as the clock moves in it's endless circles. I'm going to know that space is cold but black velvet with a bunch of holes punched in it with luminous white shooting through it makes you feel like you're flying.

Gonna hop in my car with a clutch of good music and go no where and get somewhere.

I don't want to overly concern myself with politics but since a bunch of fucking criminals are trying to steal my rights I have been paying more attention lately.

Last night I listened to Obama's speech. This from the guy who promised change and not more of the same. He made the same promises I have heard before and offered up the same policies. LMFAO! Are you fucking kidding me? A promise to cure cancer. A promise of more jobs. A promise of less taxes while balancing the budget. A promise to the troops. A promise to help the middle and lower classes out while at the same time transferring our wealth to the already stinking rich. A promise to fix education. A new promise to get kids to graduate college more often than the current numbers. A promise to send more kids to college. A good one was mentioning our falling behind in production of alternative energy. But a bad new one in the mentioning of a carbon tax. A carbon tax? Are you fucking kidding me? You want us to pay a tax for breathing and using equipment and tools that allow us to live? But you don't want to tax all of the industries that polluted the world for years and have the resources and money to make it so that tere is minimal pollution coming out of their places?

Barrack you can go fuck yourself. And I especially do not care for someone who speaks down to me. Who tries to explan the current crisis and why it has occurred. And another thing if the problem was because of people taking on so many loans do you really believe that the solution is to make more money available for loans? And forcing kids to do what you want? That's more of the same. that's more of pissing on the Constitution and our rights.

What about my brothers in Iraq? thought that deal was done? And I love how yet another one of my friends after completing their contract has been called back up to go back to war yet again. Thanks for being another liar who thinks they have more rights than anybody else in this democratic-republic. You do Not represent me. You represent the interests of people who do not require any more wealth. You represent something that is sickening.

I'll tell you what socialism and communism brought to fellow writers back in the day--FEAR. The inability to publish their works freely. They had to carefully write and peak about art because if it wasn;t what was acceptable they were sent to gulags. They were tortured and murdered. So if you think that is how we can help one another and the world you are mistaken.

If you want to have money in America again stop fighting other people's wars so that some rich guys can get richer. Stop sending weapons and money to other countres. Stop excessively taxing the people of this country. get rid of the current banking system. Know your history. Know what ti says on Andrew Jackson's headstone and the reason for it. Don't just judge him for your perceived wrongs that he committed. You can't judge history through your frame of reference. You have to understand what was happening back then as well, so that you just don't make a judgement out of ignorance. Fiurthermore, men and women are not either completely good or bad. We all do things that are good and bad. Of course there are limits of wrongs. Those are the type that Obama has committed.

I hears it you but it's one of those strange days, strange weeks. Might be moving back to Chitown, starting a magazine, finally putting in work on a project, trying to make sure I spend enoug time listening to good music, riding this wonderful wave of danger sensing something big is happening which kept me from opening my cafe at least delaying it for a little while longer, all this plus my strange job and dealing with the VA ugh.

But in the end a glorious hot bath, a little something something with a twist, a good tune and a layer of silence between you and the insanity of a thousand cars passing over a highway in less than hour greatfully removed from my new place. Digging finally feeling free. Hells yeah free.

Lost my best friend. Well semioticly speaking I don't think it's possible to write down some easy words in this manner b/c lost usually implies death but it wasn't a physical death unfortunately a metaphysical one. Which is weird. Makes the shades of colours of things different. Then it feels right because the changes that happened, well happened for reasons I do not wish to disclose as it would betray good memories I'd like to have in those rare moments unexpected that make you smile then move on, like if you had this net that could scoop up wishes and prayers and you plucked one down and experienced it, you just say thank you, smile warmly so that when you close your eyes you hug that friend and send it out into the sky.

gained a few others. anD the World mOves oN...

But I am enjoying my new joint but not sure how long'll be here and that'll be one hell of adventure.

Enjoy rehashing out Christian Bale's tirade whenever someone does something stupid and feel even the slightest bit of anger so that can quickly laugh it away by hearing the ridiculousness of it all.

I used to always recomend some song that was playing in my head as I write these. Yeah earphones not imaginary ones thank you(yeah have those also but those are for work so I mean it's not like the ones people should be afraid of if they're hearing them or know someone that does.

kind of wish I had a nice beer at the moment but hey working all the time so that you forget to deposit your pay checks until one day you check online and are negative because oops!..forgot to show the paper to a teller so she can type the key into the code... yEah foR christ sake you thinkI'd have caught that whole thing.
oh well. it's good problem to have.

hAd a vErY baD caSe of Writer's bLocK for a while. I can't say i reccomend it. Nah, not really. Fuck it though it's lifted and that's good. Time to go to work again. Plus the other work plus work already done still collecting on and it's all good. Happy I no longer play cards for a living. But miss the feeling of always being to produce a fat roll of hundreds because i scored higher on the iNtelligenCe quizz.

Mostly really wanting to know who hooked me up with this particular subscription to this joint. It said anymous the immortal who's died and is still alive a million times over extended this handshake, slap on the ass sort of thing and I'm eternally curious so...Cheers to you if you choose to stay unknown by me.

i'm doing well. just came back to st. louis from michigan after a month. i think i stumbled upon my identity. strange how a war can rob you of that. or maybe i just finally opened my eyes to the brutal reality that is our world.

i don't mean that in a tragic way. i see a person behaving horridly and yet there's more of a poetry to it, a truth, the perfume of life ripped away leaving a man/woman in their true nature.

the moment i digested it and it solidified in me was when i was watching a documentary on sam fuller. he's talking about his experiences in world war 2 and i could relate to the baser instincts he was talking about and the sick twisted humor of rules to wars and the fact they exist on such broad stupid levels, then you see it on the micro level--a couple arguing. over what? unable to see the other person only the ideal or seeing the other person too much and not their ideal enough and so they fight and claw at their dreams trying mail one another into what they wanted. not all the time but it happens quite frequently. words with lovers can be like bullets from a soldier's gun in the game of love. in the game of war a soldier's demeanor is like a lonely man climbing up onto the bar stool and watering away the scarred memories of her laugh and her perfume, maybe more intimately the way she moaned her eyes ad lips swelled with desire for a moment that should have lasted forever.

anyway i'm getting way out of hand trying to explain something really simple.

of course enjoyed your set.

original and whole message to lilith. just thought it was a tad long to post in a comment section. though that spooky house shit sounded fun and scary.

anyway hope you catch this and understand it.

a long time ago this place was different smaller.

not long ago i used to be alive.

not long ago i never thought of killing myself as viable solution.

not long ago i wasn't much afraid of anything.

a few minutes ago i felt good; i felt alive for the first time in so long. a short second ago the music in my ears pierced my heart, transported me above a city and the world felt very real again. the fear of ending up on the street or in an institution began to recede. a millisecond ago i became fixed. right now is so right on. in a moment i will free myself the concerns of all the problems that have never resulted from my actions or lack of action.

if only i could write again. the anxiety, the trepidation... trying to understand too much and not trusting or placing enough faith in myself.

i've been watching a lot of interesting film of late, ranging from zeitgeistthemovie.com to eastern promises.

making money i don't care about. reading an interesting book other colours essays and a story by orhan pamuk a nobel winner for literary.

playing a lot of ice hockey, the fluid movements on ice are poetic and it makes excercise easier.

went out with a crazy girl. i mean literally insane. she was like the seinfeld episode where from different angles and lights she looked great or old and scary. well, she said some frightening things so i tried to figure out a way to say i'm not interested but not too harshly.

a buddy of mine who got out is thinking about going back in the army. that's just how fucked up we are and how nice it is to have much of your decisions made for you and a pay check every two weeks. but mostly the brotherhood you develop. after that somethings are fun but mostly stupid shit fills your days. also you kind of wonder how being in iraq is defending the constitution.

i'd ponder how not fighting to get out of iraq would not be more of a defense of the constition. so i got inactive reserve papers in the mail. i'm still sort of property of the united states government which i don't think is for the people by the people any longer.

anyway it'd be nice to hear from some of ya i haven't heard from in ages.