Well, sucks to be me! I had a special dinner planned with the girl from work...been waiting a month for dinner at Chez Panisse. Unfortunately, the night we planned to go features an all-seafood menu. Sounds great to me, but SHE doesn't eat seafood. *sigh* I think the fates are conspiring against me.

Things are still quite 'interesting' with this girl I've been talking so much about. She and I have shared so much...we have these amazing conversations that can last for hours. She drops a lot of suggestive (I think) hints that she wants to go out and such, but when I ask her, she gets weird about it. We actually have a dinner event planned next month, so I eat the air promise-crammed. Recently, some people at work have been gossiping about us. We have lunch together 2-3 times per week and apparently that is some sort of scandal. Of course I tell her about it...she seems cool, but when we talked about it yesterday, I could tell she felt a little weird about it. Then she tells me she has absolutely no plans this weekend and so of course I ask her if she wants to hang out...no answer yet. I dunno, maybe I'm pushing too hard. I don't think I am, but I don't know how women think anymore. LOL I'm not really sure what to do beyond just keep being her friend and being myself. ANyone want to give me some sisterly advice? I'm desperate!

I've been sleeping pretty well this past week...almost too well. Going from 3 hours to 7 per night is great, but all this lying down is making my back hurt. So now it's a choice between being tired and being achy and stuff all day. As a wise man in 'Superbad' said, "Fuck my life...." MEh, it's not all that bad I guess.

I've been sending my resume out and seeing what my options may be outside of my current company. I'll do my current job if it means not getting thrown out on the street, but I'm no longer challenged or satisfied by the work. It's time to move on. I'm not one of those people who lingers in a situation I don't like, so I think my timeline is 2 months tops.

Oh man, this woman I've been hanging out with just gets more and more amazing. She's absolutely the type of person I need in my life right now. I hesitate to call us anything more than friends at this point, but I really like spending time with her. She's so smart and fun...and her smile really brightens my day. Unfortunately, we're co-workers, so we can't really be more than friends right now. Another good reason to find another job. Until then, we'll just keep having our lunches together, and making flirty, suggestive comments at each other. Plus, she's going through a lot of stuff in her life right now...positive and negative. I think she just needs a friend right now for support. I don't get the sense that she has many people she can count on. *sigh* Am I smitten or what?

Well, my coffee is ready...fresh roasted, fresh ground Sumatra with cream and sugar. Mmmmmmmmm.

I went on a hike today. The trail was called "steep canyon," which is one of the dozens of hiking trails around Mt. Tam. It made me realize how out of shape I am. I was with two dudes who do this all the time, so for them, the 8 miles was no big deal. I made it to the beach and halfway back without trouble, then my calves started balling up, so the last 2 miles was pretty painful. At the end of the day, I made it, though my feet are killing me and I think I threw my back out. I avoided the poison oak too. Here are some shots I took from my mobile phone today..I wish I had my REAL camera, but like a dickhead, I forgot to charge the battery.

My post yesterday was a big pile of crap. If I spent half as much time DOING as I did writing bullshit, I might be better off. I am happy actually. It just sort of happened one day.

My roommate is staying with a buddy tonight. I was hoping to talk with him tonight but it's nice having the place to myself and all. I'm in a pensive mood anyway. Going to write to a friend. Only my closest friends receive my infamous 10-page diatribes written at 2-3am. It's a dubious honor, I'm sure.

I'm brain-dead again. Time for pizza and Family Guy.

Literally just got a message from a friend...his dad died. Fuck...fucking fucking fuck.

Gotta go...

I was up all of the other night, so last night I actually got a full 8 hours of sleep...for the first time in months. I've been making do with 3-4 hours per night, but it was wearing me down bigtime. Today was great though...no fatigue...no massive headaches...no jitters. Unfortunately, the only aids that help me sleep are valium and tamazipam and there's no way I'm making a habit out of those. I generally just kind of stare at the ceiling at night. I wish I knew what was bothering me, so I could fix it and move on.

I wish I had some penetrating insights to share today. I have a lot to talk about, but nothing I'd put here for all to see. I have a date tomorrow night. I hope I at least get a new friend to hang out with...not sure I need a relationship right now with all the other crap I'm dealing with. Past girlfriends have told me that I'm "aggressively independent." I thought I was doing them a favor by not being a burden on them. I have my own money...my own place...my own friends...my own hobbies. I'm not intrusive, or clingy, or dramatic. Well...that last one is a lie. Turns out they wanted someone to use them as a crutch. I just can't do that. It makes me feel pathetic. I always tell my friends to not be too proud to ask for help, yet I never ask them for help. I prefer to lock myself up in my apartment for days...or just stay up all night figuring things out. Change is too hard when you have been doing things your own way for so long.

I think I have talked about this before, but I've watched all my friends grow up, buy houses, get married, and have kids. I've known them all for 15+ years, which baffles the hell out of me. This is all depressing the crap out of me. I was in a good mood when I started typing this. I guess that's why I don't blog much.

Do I really have to do this another 40 years? ugh...

Today was a good day. I learned a little bit more about Logic Pro Studio, which is the most amazing piece of software I've ever owned! My roommate thinks I'm a talentless hack, but that's why it's a hobby and not a job. I have to go into work tomorrow...er...later today, but it's by my own choice. I need to power through a lot of busy work and I can work better and faster when I'm alone.

The landlady's handyman came by today to fix some stuff in my apartment. I was thankful, but the biggest job was left undone. Apparently it will require significant work and the landlady needs to authorize the expense. Basically, one of my windowsills has rotted away and every time it rains, the water goes straight into the wall, so there's a bit of water damage. This is going to be my roommate's bedroom eventually, so I was hoping that he'd be able to move his shit outta the living room.

It was a good day, yet I can't sleep. I laid down a couple of times, but no luck. I'm not even remotely tired. Too bad it's frickin 3am and I can't make any noise. I have a season of Deadwood to power through, in addition to Family Guy and Ghost in the Shell. I could stay up for days at this rate.

I've been thinking about renting out some workspace in an attempt to get back into my childhood fantasy of becoming a luthier. I think when I'm done with this 9 to 5 bullshit job of mine, I'm going to retire to a cabin in the mountains and restore old violins. I think it would be very satisfying to take something that's old and broken -- discarded by its owner -- and make it sing again. Doubt I'll be rolling in cash, but it's something to do with my hands I guess.

I suppose I can attempt to lie down again and sleep, though it seems like an exercise in futility. I suppose I have too much of my soul to search. I need a change. These are dangerous thoughts.

Well, it's travel season again. A short trip to L.A. kicks off what will be 6 months of living out of hotels 2 weeks a month. I like traveling, but only once I hit my destination. The idea of going to the airport, flying, dealing with taxis and trains, etceteras just fills me with dread. I suppose I should count myself lucky...there are plenty worse jobs to have.

Things are going well with the new roommate. We continue to bump heads once in awhile, but it's just growing pains. I'm used to being alone and he's used to being in a house where everything is communal.

I finally bit the bullet and bought some new music production software that I've been coveting for years. This stuff is professional grade though. It's overwhelming actually...sooooooo many features and I have no clue what most of them do. I'll enjoy learning about it though. In just a couple of hours, I banged out what you'd consider a generic trance track. It's nothing amazing, but I'm sure if it were played in a club, people could dance to it.

I met a girl recently. The good news is that she's amazing...fun, smart, talkative, and talented. The bad news is she's a co-worker. It's very well possible that I'd never even see her in the work sense, but I still don't want it to be awkward. I'm kinda of glad I'm going away. It gives me time to consider the situation without seeming evasive. As with everything, I over-analyze it. I don't want this one to get away though. It's hard enough to find someone whose company you enjoy, let alone someone who amazes and inspires you.

If I don't update for awhile, it means that either my social life has taken a turn for the better, or that I'm holed up in my bedroom completely depressed.

It's been too long. I really tell myself I should be more faithful to my blog, but then I think to myself "no one reads it anyway." I know that's not true, because every once in awhile I'll get a new friend request or something...always make me feel good. The other reason I've been reclusive is because life has been interesting these past couple of months and I don't want to come here and just piss and moan about it.

To be honest, things haven't been THAT bad, so I feel like an ass for whining when there are others out there who have it worse. People like many of my friends and co-workers who were laid off last week. I was on "staycation" and missed the event itself. The gravity set in when I returned to work yesterday and saw all those empty offices and cubes. I've been a little emo about it.

My cat is feeling much better. Since her surgery, she rarely leaves my side...always sits or sleeps in a place where she can see me. She's also been testy and nippy though. Maybe this was a bad habit I never noticed. The vet blamed me for her being "uppity" anyway.

One of my best friends on Earth is staying with me now. I'm helping him out while he gets back on his feet here in SF. We've butted heads a few times...mostly because he was pushing buttons he didn't know existed. He must be an empath because I had rehearsed a "ever hear of a sponge?!" speech, only to come home to a sparkling clean kitchen. I don't like taking money from friends in need, so it's the little things like that I a appreciate.

I've been addicted to Diet Pepsi lately. I dunno why...it partly has to do with the fact it was on sale and I had 60 cans of it in my fridge. But mostly it has to do with the fact that I'm looking for for little ways to get back into some kind of healthier living. I've also been addicted to caiphirinas (?), the national drink of Brasil. I picked up some cachaca last week in addition to limes, oranges, a pineapple, strawberries, and raspberries. The concept is simple...muddle a few chunks of your favorite fruit and soe castor sugar in a class, add ice followed by cachaca. They call it "rum"...guessing because it's distilled from sugar cane, but it tastes nothing like rum. It's much sweeter and has more of a raw sugarcane flavor. I don't like it much neat, but mixed with fruit, it becomes epic.

Well, it's time for din dins. I've been cooking more at home lately, which is good. It's great stress relief and a hell of a lot cheaper than eating out all the time. All of my killer cooking stuff is in storage, but I'm making do with simple things...mostly 1 pot meals like spaghetti sauce. I should bust out my crock pot and start making things that make awesome leftovers...pot roast, etc. I have a 16 lb turkey in my freezer that I'm wondering how to cook without a roasting pan.

Enough randomness for now. Someone tell me a joke.

Well, it seems I'm not in the dire straits I thought I was in. Basically, my cat was on the verge of death and the vet quoted me $5K to deal with it. In the end, the problem was bad, but not as bad as they thought and they were able to do it for $1500. Still a lot, but I have peace of mind now.

Guess I should reactivate my sub!