So I went out on the 'date' with the girl from work. She picked me up outside of a company party looking STUNNING. So amazingly hot and beautiful. We had a really amazing evening. Conversation was light...mostly silly. We cracked jokes and talked about this and that. I gave her a little gift to commemorate the evening, which she loved, and the ride back home was spent singing along to our respective theme songs. I don't think things could have gone any better. But then we roll up to my place...and I asked her for a hug. Earlier in the evening she said something about how people should not 'dip their pen in the company inkwell' so I kind of took that as a cautionary tell.

I was up all that night after that...not really because I was thinking about HER...I had some wine with dinner and my heart was racing. I think I may be allergic to sulfites or something. Anyway, I got up about 5am and sent her a relatively short and sweet email saying that if she hadn't made the 'inkwell' comment, I would have asked for a kiss instead. It was a lighthearted comment. I also asked her where I stood with her and that my feelings for her will likely intensify as things go on...so I wanted to clear the air and tell her. I've known this girl for a couple of months now. We always have an amazing time together...we're so compatible it's disgusting....but I get the feeling she doesn't want to be tied down now. I don't know how to tell her that I want to move us beyond friends, without tying her down. I want to have this discussion face to face, but I'm giving her some time to breath and think about it. I just want her to be honest with me...either we're friends, or we are more than friends.

The reason I think we are 'more than friends' is because lately she's been asking me out more...I mean she says 'we should go here..." or "let's do this..." though then when I come collecting, she never has any time for it. She has lots of dance classes and a ton of other friends she spends time with...99% female as she keeps telling me. She has also started sending me more and more sexually suggestive emails...innuendo and such, but sexual nonetheless. I'm so confused right now and the fact that I'm smitten about this woman makes it worse. I wish she would just respond to me and put me out of my misery. WTF is going on?!

Well, my big date is back ON...no 'all fish' menu this week! The relationship has gotten a lot more interesting...but I'm still wondering where it's going.

Well, sucks to be me! I had a special dinner planned with the girl from work...been waiting a month for dinner at Chez Panisse. Unfortunately, the night we planned to go features an all-seafood menu. Sounds great to me, but SHE doesn't eat seafood. *sigh* I think the fates are conspiring against me.

Things are still quite 'interesting' with this girl I've been talking so much about. She and I have shared so much...we have these amazing conversations that can last for hours. She drops a lot of suggestive (I think) hints that she wants to go out and such, but when I ask her, she gets weird about it. We actually have a dinner event planned next month, so I eat the air promise-crammed. Recently, some people at work have been gossiping about us. We have lunch together 2-3 times per week and apparently that is some sort of scandal. Of course I tell her about it...she seems cool, but when we talked about it yesterday, I could tell she felt a little weird about it. Then she tells me she has absolutely no plans this weekend and so of course I ask her if she wants to hang out...no answer yet. I dunno, maybe I'm pushing too hard. I don't think I am, but I don't know how women think anymore. LOL I'm not really sure what to do beyond just keep being her friend and being myself. ANyone want to give me some sisterly advice? I'm desperate!

I've been sleeping pretty well this past week...almost too well. Going from 3 hours to 7 per night is great, but all this lying down is making my back hurt. So now it's a choice between being tired and being achy and stuff all day. As a wise man in 'Superbad' said, "Fuck my life...." MEh, it's not all that bad I guess.

I've been sending my resume out and seeing what my options may be outside of my current company. I'll do my current job if it means not getting thrown out on the street, but I'm no longer challenged or satisfied by the work. It's time to move on. I'm not one of those people who lingers in a situation I don't like, so I think my timeline is 2 months tops.

Oh man, this woman I've been hanging out with just gets more and more amazing. She's absolutely the type of person I need in my life right now. I hesitate to call us anything more than friends at this point, but I really like spending time with her. She's so smart and fun...and her smile really brightens my day. Unfortunately, we're co-workers, so we can't really be more than friends right now. Another good reason to find another job. Until then, we'll just keep having our lunches together, and making flirty, suggestive comments at each other. Plus, she's going through a lot of stuff in her life right now...positive and negative. I think she just needs a friend right now for support. I don't get the sense that she has many people she can count on. *sigh* Am I smitten or what?

Well, my coffee is ready...fresh roasted, fresh ground Sumatra with cream and sugar. Mmmmmmmmm.

I went on a hike today. The trail was called "steep canyon," which is one of the dozens of hiking trails around Mt. Tam. It made me realize how out of shape I am. I was with two dudes who do this all the time, so for them, the 8 miles was no big deal. I made it to the beach and halfway back without trouble, then my calves started balling up, so the last 2 miles was pretty painful. At the end of the day, I made it, though my feet are killing me and I think I threw my back out. I avoided the poison oak too. Here are some shots I took from my mobile phone today..I wish I had my REAL camera, but like a dickhead, I forgot to charge the battery.

My post yesterday was a big pile of crap. If I spent half as much time DOING as I did writing bullshit, I might be better off. I am happy actually. It just sort of happened one day.

My roommate is staying with a buddy tonight. I was hoping to talk with him tonight but it's nice having the place to myself and all. I'm in a pensive mood anyway. Going to write to a friend. Only my closest friends receive my infamous 10-page diatribes written at 2-3am. It's a dubious honor, I'm sure.

I'm brain-dead again. Time for pizza and Family Guy.

Literally just got a message from a friend...his dad died. Fuck...fucking fucking fuck.

Gotta go...

I was up all of the other night, so last night I actually got a full 8 hours of sleep...for the first time in months. I've been making do with 3-4 hours per night, but it was wearing me down bigtime. Today was great though...no fatigue...no massive headaches...no jitters. Unfortunately, the only aids that help me sleep are valium and tamazipam and there's no way I'm making a habit out of those. I generally just kind of stare at the ceiling at night. I wish I knew what was bothering me, so I could fix it and move on.

I wish I had some penetrating insights to share today. I have a lot to talk about, but nothing I'd put here for all to see. I have a date tomorrow night. I hope I at least get a new friend to hang out with...not sure I need a relationship right now with all the other crap I'm dealing with. Past girlfriends have told me that I'm "aggressively independent." I thought I was doing them a favor by not being a burden on them. I have my own money...my own place...my own friends...my own hobbies. I'm not intrusive, or clingy, or dramatic. Well...that last one is a lie. Turns out they wanted someone to use them as a crutch. I just can't do that. It makes me feel pathetic. I always tell my friends to not be too proud to ask for help, yet I never ask them for help. I prefer to lock myself up in my apartment for days...or just stay up all night figuring things out. Change is too hard when you have been doing things your own way for so long.

I think I have talked about this before, but I've watched all my friends grow up, buy houses, get married, and have kids. I've known them all for 15+ years, which baffles the hell out of me. This is all depressing the crap out of me. I was in a good mood when I started typing this. I guess that's why I don't blog much.

Do I really have to do this another 40 years? ugh...

Today was a good day. I learned a little bit more about Logic Pro Studio, which is the most amazing piece of software I've ever owned! My roommate thinks I'm a talentless hack, but that's why it's a hobby and not a job. I have to go into work tomorrow...er...later today, but it's by my own choice. I need to power through a lot of busy work and I can work better and faster when I'm alone.

The landlady's handyman came by today to fix some stuff in my apartment. I was thankful, but the biggest job was left undone. Apparently it will require significant work and the landlady needs to authorize the expense. Basically, one of my windowsills has rotted away and every time it rains, the water goes straight into the wall, so there's a bit of water damage. This is going to be my roommate's bedroom eventually, so I was hoping that he'd be able to move his shit outta the living room.

It was a good day, yet I can't sleep. I laid down a couple of times, but no luck. I'm not even remotely tired. Too bad it's frickin 3am and I can't make any noise. I have a season of Deadwood to power through, in addition to Family Guy and Ghost in the Shell. I could stay up for days at this rate.

I've been thinking about renting out some workspace in an attempt to get back into my childhood fantasy of becoming a luthier. I think when I'm done with this 9 to 5 bullshit job of mine, I'm going to retire to a cabin in the mountains and restore old violins. I think it would be very satisfying to take something that's old and broken -- discarded by its owner -- and make it sing again. Doubt I'll be rolling in cash, but it's something to do with my hands I guess.

I suppose I can attempt to lie down again and sleep, though it seems like an exercise in futility. I suppose I have too much of my soul to search. I need a change. These are dangerous thoughts.

Well, it's travel season again. A short trip to L.A. kicks off what will be 6 months of living out of hotels 2 weeks a month. I like traveling, but only once I hit my destination. The idea of going to the airport, flying, dealing with taxis and trains, etceteras just fills me with dread. I suppose I should count myself lucky...there are plenty worse jobs to have.

Things are going well with the new roommate. We continue to bump heads once in awhile, but it's just growing pains. I'm used to being alone and he's used to being in a house where everything is communal.

I finally bit the bullet and bought some new music production software that I've been coveting for years. This stuff is professional grade though. It's overwhelming actually...sooooooo many features and I have no clue what most of them do. I'll enjoy learning about it though. In just a couple of hours, I banged out what you'd consider a generic trance track. It's nothing amazing, but I'm sure if it were played in a club, people could dance to it.

I met a girl recently. The good news is that she's amazing...fun, smart, talkative, and talented. The bad news is she's a co-worker. It's very well possible that I'd never even see her in the work sense, but I still don't want it to be awkward. I'm kinda of glad I'm going away. It gives me time to consider the situation without seeming evasive. As with everything, I over-analyze it. I don't want this one to get away though. It's hard enough to find someone whose company you enjoy, let alone someone who amazes and inspires you.

If I don't update for awhile, it means that either my social life has taken a turn for the better, or that I'm holed up in my bedroom completely depressed.