Oh my lord.

I just found out that CONTRARY to what I was told months ago when I was making plans to go back to school, I am NOT eligible to receive Unemployment Benefits while I am studying.

A whopping $844/month just got snatched away from me.

And I am extremely upset with the Manitoba Métis Federation who just threw up their hands and basically said: "Oh well! We fucked up... sorry we can't help you!". I mean we're not talking pocket change... It's almost $900/month while I'm going to university FULL-TIME. I don't have TIME to make that kind of money while going to school and you're the idiots who told me that I would be supported while going to school... the ONLY reason I decided that it was a viable option. Fuck!!

Even if I had really great website jobs lined up from here to April, I would still somehow have to find the TIME to work on those projects without sacrificing my education, my friends, my weight loss plan, my "responsible adult who keeps the house clean and organized plan" and most importantly, my still slightly precarious relationship with Travis. I mean, it's going great right now, but it's because we're both working hard and putting in the time and effort to get it there... and if I don't have the time... it's too soon for us to be able to weather that kind of pressure right now.

I'm applying for all kinds of bursaries right now, but it's still not guaranteed money and I'm already fucked for this months bills. I won't even get paid for my next projects for another 3 weeks at least.

What the FUCK am I going to do? Any suggestions?

Brigette

Hey guys... I'm gonna be taking some kind of break from SG for a while. I've got a lot of work to do to catch up on the last 4.5 years of my life that I've wasted!

Travis and I had one of the best weekends we've ever had together, but he's been asking for time and space to figure things out. Out of respect for that request, I decided to break up with him on Sunday and move out. Our plan is to still keep each other in our lives as friends for now and see where that leads us.

I will say that Travis taking the initiative like this was seriously what I needed. We've been walking around dazed and hurt in this continuous cycle of pain for a very long time. Of course we had our good times, but the reality was that we were getting worse and worse all the time, emotionally, physically and financially.

Him pulling away has made me realize everything that was wrong with me and I've never been so happy in my life. I finally know why I was miserable and dependent and while I've changed a lot already, I'm working very hard to make sure I never become that person again.

I'm not saying that Travis doesn't have some work to do and that he was in no way responsible for the decline of our relationship, but I will say this: I was the one who should have known better.

I'm hoping that he realizes that he does love me and that he gives us another chance, because I love him so much and I know that we will be amazing together.

Thanks for all your support guys.
xoxo
Brigette

Thanks so much for all the birthday love guys. It really made me happy to see them all!

Last Saturday my parents, my brother, Travis and I went out to Shogun, a Japanese restaurant in town. We booked one of their private rooms (I think they're called Tatamis?) where you sit on the floor and there are screened walls and doors. It was really fun and it was my mom's first time eating sushi and the like, so we got lots of different things and of course it was absolutely delicious!

Afterwards, we debated going black-light mini golfing or to the casino, but we decided to just go back to our place where we play Scattergories (the best board game in the world, IMO) and LIFE. Haha! We are so 12. My dad had a nap with the kitten in our bedroom while my mom, Travis, my brother and I battled it out till 1 in the morning.

Sunday we drove into Selkirk and played embarrassing amounts of Rock Band. Monday was my official birthday and I got 2 bouquets of flowers at work and a cake. My mom and I went shopping after school and then to see the movie "The Other Boleyn Girl" which was good, but not a birthday movie and certainly not as good as the book! Yesterday I went shopping with my brother and tomorrow my mom and I are going to Winnipeg for some mani/pedis and then I am going shopping AGAIN as I have my eye on a gorgeous purse and I'd like to try on some outfits before Travis and I go Saturday morning... that way it will take a lot of pressure off me and I won't be dragging him around the mall for hours on end.

We booked a couple hotel rooms with some friends at a downtown hotel and we've got connections with one of the downtown bars, so we've got reserved tables and VIP entrance for Saturday night. In the afternoon, a bunch of people are coming over to the hotel to swim and then my hairdresser is coming to do our hair. The plan is once again to be total whores and I really hope it happens this time because I want to see Travis making out with a totally hot girlie. I would LOVE for him to get that confidence boost, plus it would be hot to watch and then I would feel better about exploring other men as well.

I've been staying at my parents place in Selkirk this week as Travis is working nights and I've walked home from school every day so far. It brings me back to when I was in high school and walked down the very same roads every day and I love the reminiscing as well as the exercise. I've lost 4lbs so far since Monday (lots of water retention from last week - Spring Break!) and I'm feeling really good. Hopefully I can maintain the rate of weight loss that I've had for the past months and lose another 40lbs by September. It would be really nice to start university with a hot, healthy body to help with the stress of school and making an entirely new group of friends.

I hope everyone is having a great week so far. I will put up pictures next time I update!

So. My birthday is in 4 days.

Every year I get a little freaked out and more than a little depressed right before my birthday. I start obsessing over things, I can't get any work done, I sleep a lot more than I should, I feel like shit about myself and I dread the celebrating. Last year, Travis and I had a fight the night before my birthday and I was so out of it that I almost killed myself walking across an intersection at 2 in the morning and then by jumping out of the car. Eventually he had to convince me that my brother would be lost without me and that I would be hurting my parents if I took my own life and I hysterically begged him to drive me out to my parents place so that I could hug the puppy. *sigh*.

In my heart, I would LOVE the celebrating, but there's always so much pressure. In the end I usually say fuck it, if my friends plan something, great, if not... we'll just eat and hang out.

But this year Travis wants to go all out. He wants to take me shoe and outfit shopping during the day, then take me out for supper with my friends, then get a hotel room, party at the room, then go to the bar for some wild and slutty times. Or... anything else I might want to do.

So then it all lays on me: Pick something to do that my whole family will like, pick a good restaurant, pick a good outfit, look absolutely awesome, pick a good hotel, pick a great, fun bar to get slutty at, invite awesome people, make sure everyone has a good time... plus the fact that the thought of spending that much money on me is almost making me sick.

Add in that I have very few "real life" friends right now because the group that I hung out with for 8 years turned into total cunts and I told them to go fuck themselves, and I'm really stressing out.

I just wish someone would plan it all for me, because I'm sick and tired of feeling responsible for everything. I have 70-year-old woman teeth and acid reflux because I'm too much of a goddamn perfectionist and if I can only do things half-way... I just can't do it, and then I stress out about it endlessly.

I don't know what to do.

Fuck.