I'm feeling much better now.

Thanks to everyone for their comments, i just needed to look at things a bit better. Which i've done and i feel so much better about myself and my life. I just need to do things that i want to do and if people have a problem with it, it's not my fault. I think the biggest thing is my friends giving me a hard time for not going out much without realising that my priority at the moment is my studying. I need to get these assignments done so i can pass.

Anyways, that's all peachy. The only thing that has pissed me off in the last week is someone broke into my car and stole my weed, pipe and a full pack of cigarettes. Not cool, not fucking cool. Bad karma too. Bastards!

Hope your all well.

I've had a fucking relapse and am back in that horrible pit. I can't drag myself out of it and i feel like i did 2 months ago. My best friend yelled at me the on Saturday night because i stopped trying again. i'm taking everything personally and the wonderful joys of paranoia are raising its ugly head....again. I'm too tired to think rationally.

I thought this part was over. I just want to feel better again and i want this to stop. I'm doing all the things i should be doing to make it better but it's just not working in my head.

I'm fucking tired.

With George Carlin passing away a few days ago i've been watching as much as i can to remind me of awesome he was which lead me to watching more Bill Hicks who is always a reminder to not take life to seriously.

It's depressing when you think that there really are no comics left like this anymore, no more comics intent on breaking down that barrier between comedy and making people feel really fucking uncomfortable. I didn't know Bill Hicks before he died so it took me a while to find him but thank christ i did. It was only a matter of time really. I remember watching a stand up DVD while most of the people in the room sat in uncomfortable silence, i was peeled to the screen. I just wanted to watch and listen to everything this guy had to say. I wanted to talk to him and just talk about how he sees the world. Everything that flys out of his mouth is just fucking true. There are a few people in my life right now that i would love to sit down and psychically force to watch and pop their little safety bubble to show them that life isn't as serious as you would like to think it is.



I think this is the reason that i've been distancing myself from my friends. I don't find any that i have wonderful chats with any of them anymore, if there's something good on tv i'd rather stay home. If the choice is between going out, meeting with them, talking about what we're all doing, bitch and moan about the same old things, try and integrate and new line of conversation and then everything goes silent because no-one clearly wants to talk about shit as deep as that and then get bitched at for lighting up a cigarette OVER THE OTHERSIDE OF THE GODAMN OUTDOOR SMOKING GARDEN or on the flipside, staying home, watching some good film while painting, smoking weed alone out the back of my house....hmmm, tough choice. They all just need to really really get over themselves.

I think Bill would have alot of awesome stuff to say about the world today. I hope someone else steps up really soon. Someone else who can take the fucking piss out of everything and everyone.

I just feel like i'm the uncomfortable stain in the corner no-one wants to ask about. Fuck it, i'm just to awesome for them. And that's not just me trying to sound like i'm making myself feel better. That's the gods honest truth. I am just too fucking awesome.

okay, so eventually i want to be a writer, yes?

So for the last three years I've attempted to write a book, short story...paragraph even. But i can think of nothing. No characters, no settings and no storyline. Not even some witty repertoire to convince myself that i may have a future in this direction.

I've tried writers block website and books. I've taken a short course on how to write a novel and i could, just aslong as they told me what to write. I wrote emails home while i was overseas and received many back saying how wonderful they were and how much everyone enjoyed reading them because i wrote them so well. So i've decided that i'm good at writing reflections on life.

Now, how do i do that again?

EDIT: oh and don't base my writings on my blog writing. one's shit, the other is actually, you know...good.

I know i get obsessed with things like movies, tv shows or bands. Its awesome, its just what i do and i think people have just learnt to go along with it.

I freakin love Supernatural. I love the actors, the stories, the characters and everything about it. It's written, filmed and performed awesomely. I just love it. One of my fav things to do is get wasted and watch it and go right into it. By doing this, i have been convinced that it is one of the best shows on tele today.

I hate those stupid novella's that accompany tv shows but i really have to talk myself out of picking them up whenever i'm in the shopping centre. I'm trying to find out where i can get the graphic novels and am buying the encyclopaedia of the monsters featured in the show.

This is my sad little obsession, my foible. We all have our thing. This is mine.

That and Jensen Ackles is fucking hot.

Okay, okay...

The most annoyingly annoying assignment is over!!!!! It was one of those ones that no matter how hard you work at it and fluff it out without sounding retarded, was never long enough. Like some magical computer fairy would come in the middle of the night and shorten it without my consent. Bastards...

I don't know how good it will be, i don't think i'll get a very high mark but hey, it's out the way and my goal is not to beat myself up about it like the other ones. I got a distinction for an assignment and was really angry because i probably would have gotten a higher mark had i attached my reference list. So far this semester of the two assignments i have handed up i have received a High Distinction and a Distinction. Not to shabby...

Its amazing how when i look at people who are so caught up in their own relationships, i can't believe how they make excuses for themselves. Then i get all embarrassed as that's exactly what i used to do. I just wish everyone could see their potential and sometimes, being alone is better than settling for second best.

Its been over a year since someone has seen me naked. I'm so freaking randy that its almost uncontrollable. Even a little male attention would be lovely.

Anytime soon....hopefully..

I had the most random night last night.

A friend of mine can read jewellery and i asked if she could read me. The only piece of jewellery i have that i hardly ever take out is my tounge stud. So she tried that and it was like she had reached into my brain and was pulling out things one by one. She was talking about how her body felt, the weight and tiredness. How i'm in a rut and i'm stuck and dont know how to get out anymore. I think i started to cry when she talked about how much pain i was in and then when she talked about being so tired, i just started weeping.

Earlier in the night she had made me talk more about Nick and what had actually happened between us. I explained some situations and she basically turned around to me and told me that was domestic violence. She tried to get me to say it but i'm still not ready. I've been reading about it and i feel that what i'll just be ridiculed by saying that because it doesn't fit into the same as other stories but i know that that feeling is normal. I just don't know what to do about it next. We broke up 18 months ago but there is still so much shit., so much residue emotion and i'm still just so tired. I'm seeing a psychologist and a counsellor. I don't want meds, i want to do it on my own because i know that i can. I'm just so tired in the mornings and i could sleep all day.

But my friend did see some calm on the horizon, a helping hand. But it's a decision i have to make apparently.

I'm really really fucking over this.

Okay.

No more, it has to end now.

I will not let this beat me. I will not let this be how i live out my life. I know i have so much life and soul in me to do whatever i want to do. There's a few things i need to start doing to live just how i need to.

1. Just let it all go and get on with what needs to be done.
2. Be happy and realize all i have is all i need.
3. Start to see myself as others see me and not the washed up excuse for a human being that i see when i look into the mirror.
4. Just freakin live.

All this is easy and achievable. I just need to stop being so scared of everything.

I started the meds today again. I just need to get on the right path, i don't know if will be this way. If there is anyone out there that has had any kind of experience with this, i would love to hear what you have to say. My best friend went through a hard time a few years ago and her doctor tried to get her to go on meds but she refused. I don't know what there going to do to me or make me feel so yeah, if anyone has anything to comment on, it would be awesome!

Thankyou for listening.