Wow.
I think it's absolutly fantastic how someone can change so much in just a year.
Really.

I was reading my old blogs, BAHAH, Lame. I sound so young, and naive.
Geesh.

Well, since my last visit to SG, I have indeed gone through a lot. I pulled myself out of the worst part of my life and developed more as an individual, and transformed into more or a woman. Yes yes.

And to top things all off, I have recently gotten engaged. To a lovely lovely boy, who is extremely sweet and supportive..and..bah..He's fantastic...

<3

I know I should write more and keep you all more updated, but..bah..
I am terrible at these things now.
But, all I can say is that I am extremely happy..
Couldn't be happier actually. ))

Hope everyone else is doing well!!


OH..

AND MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING UP.

The big 2-0..
In less than a week.
Wow.
Wrinkles and saggy boobs..
Here I come. ))

Hah, so I have neglected the internet for long enough and now I do believe it is time for my return.

A lot has happened to keep me away. After I thought things were finally getting good in my relationship, the bastard says that I mean nothing more to him than a friend. So he drags me through nearly two years of hell to break me apart like that. I finally admitted to myself that I did indeed love the boy, and apparently that's all he was waiting for .. then blam...break up.

Sooo, I've been trying to pull my life back together and remember what it was like to be single. It's been a complicated past few months, and my feelings are on a constant up and down cycle. Lot's of parties and grown-up behaviors to kill the sad feelings. And lots of bad memories and lonliness to kill the happy ones.

But it's getting better, with time. I'm hoping. I just try and live day to day, reaching my own goals one at a time.

I have a new job though, which is pretty nice. I'm a daycare teacher, pretty much. I mean, I'm an aide, but I do teach lessons and everything. And it's even nicer because I get to keep my insane hair colors and my peircings in, I'm diffrent but exciting, as my boss says.

Soooo, my life is good with that. I love every kid in my class, and even though Im not supposed to I've picked favourites. But shh.

That was the update on my life. hope to talk to you guys soon. I miss the internet life. muaha. xx

I havn't written a blog in awhile.
Shame on me for falling behind in my SG account.
Im trying to figure my life out right now...

With the boyfriend, and school, and everything else.
And Christmas is coming up.
How exciting.

Im getting a new camera and I couldnt be happier.
So new pictures soon, lots and lots of them.

My current camera is a 4.1, and this new one is supposed to be a 6. Not that much better, and not nearly as great as the 8 my dad was pushing to get me, but we can't afford it..so I have to settle with the 6. Beggers cant be choosers, and 6 shall be way better than nothing.

Anyways..
I swear I will try to keep up with this.
And Im sorry for all the delayed accepting of friend requests.
Annnnnnd...I absolutely LOVE the fact that I got a testimonial..
That makes me happy...REALLLLLY happy.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN is on right now...makes me warm and fuzzy, you know?
And uhhh...
My boyfriend's friend's all think Im fat and ugly, and that he could do much better than me.

Aha...what a wonderful thing to learn.

Hope everyone is well, and having a great holiday season!!

WATCH ABC FAMILY...it's pretty much amazing. <3

xx

Oh my, Thanksgiving already. It seems like just yesterday it was Halloween.

I woke up this morning rather late, getting to messed up the night before was not the right idea at all. I woke up to the sounds of my mother yelling at my dad about somthing to do with corn. The only problem of living with your parents while attending college, is that your normally woken up far earlier than neccessary. And it's usually for no better a reason than 'corn', or somthing as as meaningless.

We headed out to my grandma's shortly after that. I absolutely love my grandmother, she is so amazing and so wise and everything I hope to be someday. BUT the rest of my dad's side is awful.

Everyone on my father's side is unbelievably obese, besides my grandma. I have nothing against obese people, but my obese family is the grossest people in the world. They eat and eat and eat and then just leave. No thank yous, no helping to clean up, nothing.

And they always give me so much crap. >_<

I know all family's do this. But really. It's ridiculous. Im the only child that didn't become a scholar, or a national champion cheerleader, or can play the guitar so well its ridiculous..

Im just the big alternative whore , whom noone understands.

My cousin Tom, lives in a cabin in the middle of the woods, with no running water and no heat with his amazingly large ugly woman...yet everyone loves them. Her especially, Tom really did win grandma's heart by bringing Rachel into the family. Everyone just fawns over her, at how 'amazingly nice and wonderful' she is. THEY LIVE IN A CABIN IN THE WOODS WITH NO RUNNING WATER. THEY ARE PRIMATIVE. >_< And either of them doesnt work, and they are just bleh..


It wouldnt bother me so much if everyone didn't give me so much junk about how terrible my boyfriend is. It's all I ever hear, is that Im with a loser...who hates me, probably cheats on me...blah blah. And then when I walk away my uncles always quickly whisper to my parents about how 'skinny' Im getting, and then the questions stream out about if Im on drugs, and then it turns into a matter of that I MUST be on drugs...

I just hate it. Hate it hate it. There is so much more to it all. But bleh.
I've just had an awful day.


I really hate Thanksgiving.


xx

It's almost Halloween, and you have no idea how obnoxiously excited I am.
Halloween is my favourite Holiday, only for the fact that it gives you a reason to be creepy and morbid.
But, there is a big big Halloween show this weekend, that I am getting all dressed up for. I will take plenty of pictures, my costume should be good. Totally. I'm a zombie, cliche, I know, But Im doing all my own makeup (making everything from scratch) and got my clothes from a thrift store, so it should go over super-great.

Ahhh, I love Halloween. <33

Squeeeeeeee..xx

Allright, I wouldn't post a new blog if I didn't find it absolutely needed.

Sooo, I went into the frontroom and one of my many cats, had caught a mouse. I didn't think anything of it, I was just going to clean up the poor dead thing and throw it out. But, on closer inspection I noticed that it was still moving, and moving alot. It did seem to be in pain, so picked it up and stroked it with my finger. It was a young mouse, and was about half the size of my palm. But, it's body quivered and as I looked at it's stomach I noticed a dark brown circle slightly poking out of the skin.

Ew , I thought it's guts were coming out. I thought the cat had punctured it's stomach and the guts were coming out. I thought about giving the mouse back to the cats and letting them just finish it off, or even feeding it to my dog , but.. I couldn't do either. The Vegan animal lover in me was screaming and told me that if I did either I would feel horrible for weeks, and I would.

So instead I folded some paper towels and laid the mouse on my washer. I pet it with my finger a few more times, and left it there to die peacefully and by itself. When my mom came home, I made sure to show her so she wouldn't freak out about a dying mouse on her washer. She was ok with it, telling me to throw it out once it had passed.

So we carried on with our evening, and about an hour passed. My mom, going out to grab somthing in the laundry room suddenly yelled out my name. I went in there, and all she said was "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" , and I looked down where the mouse was, and where it's guts were coming out was just a large pink fleshy hole. Beside the mouse was a crawling, moving, VERY ALIVE cattipillar looking thing. It wasnt a tape worm, and it certainly wasnt just some guts. It looked like a very large brown cattipillar ( I know I am spelling that wrong), and it was just moving all over the place. We had never seen ANYTHING like it.

My dad came out and inspected it, and he has never seen somthing like it either (living here for well over 40 years) , and he inspected the worm thing, and told us both that it most deff had a MOUTH, and CHEWED it's way out of the mouses body.

Now, you know your average house mouse? Well, you know how big they are? This worm could fill that entire mouse's body. It was no small thing. It was very large and very fat, and had segments, and it was brown, and had a round mouth on one end, with many many small looking teeth.

Sounds fake to you? I totally saw it!!

I googled it, and still can't find ANYTHING on what it could possibly be. So, my dad wanted to flush it down the toilet, but have you ever seen the movie Slither? I was totally worried that thing would grow humongous and when I sat on the pisser one day it would just shoot up out through me.

Crazy. I totally want to know what it is though, Im scared to even go out past the trash can where it now is.

>_<

xx

I'm so bored. It's insane.

All of my friends are always so busy now it's crazy. Everyone is always working, or they are all to tired too hang out. I miss the good old days of being young and always hanging out, from dawn till dusk. I never really appreciated those times until now.

I know we always used to say "Oh, just wait until we are older, things will be so much better." , and how we would brag that we would stay out way past parental recommended time and cause havoc across town.

But, none of that has yet to happen.

On the concert scene side of things, nothing has been going on with that either. There used to be a local show every other day, and now...we are lucky to get one a year. There is one in a couple of weeks. One of my all time favourite local bands, I'm pretty tight with them so that always makes the show fun.

I'll probably take loads of pictures and post them all on here. Candid shots of random friends is always fun.

The boyfriend is still not here, and even though it's Thursday already, the thought of him not coming home until Sunday still upsets me. I know he lives with me, and he is practically always here, but having someone live with you for that long, and then be gone for well over a week is just plain awful.

I havnt been able to sleep right since he left. I've grown accustomed to having someone in bed with me. I would call Kayla, but she is too far up her boyfriend's behind to care about me right now.

Which pulls the circle back to the fact that all my friends are leading their own lives now, and nothing is like it used to be.

Bleh, I need to move or somthing.

xx

I had the worst conversation of my life with the boyfriend tonight.

The topic of SuicideGirls came up, which is always an awesome topic for me to talk about. It seems I never stop talking about it actually, but anyways..

He is a fan of SuicideGirls (of Stormy especially), but he hates the idea of me ever becoming one. Now, for awhile ( a few years actually ) this has been my own personal life goal. I know that it's incredibly hard to become a SG, and I know that I have a lot of things to fix about myself before Im comfortable enough to even go through with the first application process.

But he knows that this is my goal, my dream , my everything. And it scares him he says. He doesn't like the fact that millions of people will be able to see what only he himself should see. He doesn't like the fact that any of his friends will be able to get online and see me naked, and he doesn't like it that the world will veiw me as a "porn-star" and thousands of guys will wank to me , and want to bone me.

All I really want is for him to be supportive, and to respect my decision. I don't think it's a big deal to be naked, and I could really care less WHO sees me naked. Your born naked, many people saw my stuff when I was little , I ran aroun naked well past the age of four.

So being naked now really doesnt concern me much. I try and encourage his goals, and I never down-talk him about anything. It's just his lack in support for me upsets the hell out of me.

So tonight, this is how it went..

Josh : " I don't want you to be a SuicideGirl Kyrie, ever. "
Kyrie : " So, what are you saying? "
Josh : " Im saying, if it does ever happen, things are going to change. "
Kyrie : "You'll break up with me?!"
Josh : "Yeah, most likely."



Bleh, I don't want a boy to stand in the way of what I want to do. But trying to look past a year and a half of relationship is kindof hard...but ... I will probably never manage to achieve my goal...but even so...

Things just suck. xx

Soo, Im having a really deep mood moment. I've been sitting on my couch all morning watching MTV and wallowing in my own self-pity. I guess I've been having a rough couple of weeks on the relationship side of things.

It's not that things arnt absolutely wonderful and perfect, because they are. It's just that I'm always so insecure on my part. I never know really how to outright say this to Josh, but Im so scared every second. Especially when other girls come into the picture.

I guess it's not an out-of-ordinary thing, to be jealous of your Boyfriend hanging out or being around other girls, because it's not. It's just the extent that I take it to is ridiculous.

It's not that I don't trust Josh, because I do. It's just the fact that I'm always so scared of losing him to someone better. Because in my mine, practically EVERYONE is better than me. I can find all the good qualities in a girl and magnify them by a thousand. I always assume that he finds the girls prettier than me, or that he will get big fat crushes on them (and not tell me), or that one day..he will just up and leave me for someone.

It's crazy living like that everyday, and too see comments or messages or somthing from girls that I know he's had a past with. It just, irks me. I don't want to come off as a big bitch to everyone, because that's not it at all. It's entirely my insecurties with myself. It sucks.

I always think the world is prettier than me, better acting then me, funnier than me, just all around way better than anything I could ever be.

I just want that feeling of being loved and being content with it. Knowing that Im loved, and that Im better, and that no matter what Josh is going to be thinking of me, even if he's in a room filled to the ceiling with naked porn stars. Not that he would ever be in that situation mind you.

I belittle myself so much that I feel like a three week old banana peel or somthing.

But , as I ventured into my bathroom, I stopped and looked in the mirror. I havnt touched anything on me since I woke up, so my hair wasnt perfect and my makeup was slept-in smudge. But I saw somthing I suppose. I am pretty, and I do feel pretty, and I AM good inside, Im funny and Im kind..and I care about everything, even if Im not supposed to. Im compassionate and serious, yet I can be immature and crazy. But I'm not a three week old banana peel, Im far from it. I'm my own elegant woman, all wrapped up neatly and nicely like a christmas package.

This is what I want Josh to see, it's what I hope Josh sees. But when I think like that, it all shrinks away again and Im left wondering what will happen to my relationship..I guess it's a constant cycle of sorts.

I guess I've come to the conclusion that I am all of those things that I pick out of other girls. All of those things are in me, Im as good as they are. And, I guess somewhere in me I want to say that if Josh picks that over me, then ... I can't feel bad for myself, because it's not my fault. Im as amazing as anyone , and if he cant see that, then it's his own fault. Not mine.

But if I can say this inside..why can't I express it? Why can't I be ok with everything, and just get over the fact? Why cant I just proudly state 'Josh loves me and we are going to be together forever, duh'. Are my answers that unsure?

I'll find out I guess , someday. But until then. I'll go back and forth between being a strong confident woman, and a nasty three week old banana peel.

xx

Wow, so I finally figured out how to post a blog. I'm pretty sure this won't be a long one, because I have a very stoned boyfriend behind me and it's getting pretty late in the evening.

I guess I could make this blog about myself, but then again, I guess that would be a little weird..and tiresome. I don't feel like going over everything about my life right now. That's why Tom invented myspace. Hrmph, I had to work today (I work at an animal shelter) I guess that was pretty exciting..
Sorry Im a little lame today..

I swear I'll write a better blog in the morning.

Night kiddo's.

xx