So yeah the last few days... intresting to say the least... hung out with this girl from london i hardly know in cambridge that was kind of nice..kind of... now know where some of the good bars are. Did pretty much nothing else other then Halo muther fucking three... the rest of the time lol.... made officer rankings now yay for me lol I cant entirely be proud of it cause its nerdy and kind of a sign of little to no social life but then again I can be lol. I play with friends on line lol and some of those friends are people i hang with off line so ... shut up... you know you do the same. I m off of normal work for a bit which is nice 4 n 2 14 hour shifts suck majorly so this week is semi chilled... but then next week I leave for germany for two weeks of training in the hills and woods of germany for my six months in iraq coming up yay... well back to Halo I think just took a short break ... by the way if your on it looks for me I m BloodSpiderX ... outs
-Spider
OK So I just stole this but this is what its like tobe in my head seriously like whoa... and yeah..
What do you do?
What do you do when you don't know what to do? What do you do when just as things were getting better, they get much worse? What do you do when you can't just sleep it off or sleep it away? How about when you can't hide the way you're feeling. What do you do then? When those feelings are making others unhappy… do you pretend to feel another way? Is it better to hold things in or try to be honest? What do you eat when everything feels like it's just going to come back up? What do you do when you just don't want to do anything? What do you do when it feels like no one is listening? Or caring? Who do you talk to that will understand where you're coming from? Or give you another view on the situation? What do you do when you miss someone and they don't miss you back? Do you wait it out? Do you just hope things will get better? What do you do? Who do you think about if not that one person? What keeps your mind busy? How do you make it better? How do you solve a problem with only one participant? How do you react? How should you have reacted? What is there to be happy about? What is there to look forward to? How long will this last? What could I have done better? What can I do better? How do you improve with no feedback? When can I just be myself and be comfortable with that? Why should I always have to worry about what I'm doing? Am I really at fault for caring? Should I care less? Or more? Am I at fault for ruining things again? Am I once again overreacting? Do mistakes happen this often? Is it my mistake every time? Is my side of the story so hard to understand? Or is it just an invalid argument? Is it even an argument? Or is it just a bad situation? When does it stop? When does it get better? What can I do to better things? Is there anything I can do? How do I better myself? What do you do if you just can't think about anything else? When you can't move on? What do you do if you don't know if you're making things better or worse? What if you just don't have the energy to keep this up… but want to more than anything? When will things be the way they were? Why is that so rare these days? What is there to smile about? Why is happiness so difficult? Why is love so difficult? Will difficult make things better in the end? Or just ruin things? Or is that me who will just ruin things? What do you do when the other end of the phone is silent? Do you call again? Or do you wait? What are you waiting for anyways? Is it worth the wait? Will waiting even work? What if that just makes it worse? What won't make it worse? What will help you through the week? Who will be there to care? Will there be anyone there at all? What do you do when you don't know what to do? …I just don't know.
-Spider
OK So I just stole this but this is what its like tobe in my head seriously like whoa... and yeah..
What do you do?
What do you do when you don't know what to do? What do you do when just as things were getting better, they get much worse? What do you do when you can't just sleep it off or sleep it away? How about when you can't hide the way you're feeling. What do you do then? When those feelings are making others unhappy… do you pretend to feel another way? Is it better to hold things in or try to be honest? What do you eat when everything feels like it's just going to come back up? What do you do when you just don't want to do anything? What do you do when it feels like no one is listening? Or caring? Who do you talk to that will understand where you're coming from? Or give you another view on the situation? What do you do when you miss someone and they don't miss you back? Do you wait it out? Do you just hope things will get better? What do you do? Who do you think about if not that one person? What keeps your mind busy? How do you make it better? How do you solve a problem with only one participant? How do you react? How should you have reacted? What is there to be happy about? What is there to look forward to? How long will this last? What could I have done better? What can I do better? How do you improve with no feedback? When can I just be myself and be comfortable with that? Why should I always have to worry about what I'm doing? Am I really at fault for caring? Should I care less? Or more? Am I at fault for ruining things again? Am I once again overreacting? Do mistakes happen this often? Is it my mistake every time? Is my side of the story so hard to understand? Or is it just an invalid argument? Is it even an argument? Or is it just a bad situation? When does it stop? When does it get better? What can I do to better things? Is there anything I can do? How do I better myself? What do you do if you just can't think about anything else? When you can't move on? What do you do if you don't know if you're making things better or worse? What if you just don't have the energy to keep this up… but want to more than anything? When will things be the way they were? Why is that so rare these days? What is there to smile about? Why is happiness so difficult? Why is love so difficult? Will difficult make things better in the end? Or just ruin things? Or is that me who will just ruin things? What do you do when the other end of the phone is silent? Do you call again? Or do you wait? What are you waiting for anyways? Is it worth the wait? Will waiting even work? What if that just makes it worse? What won't make it worse? What will help you through the week? Who will be there to care? Will there be anyone there at all? What do you do when you don't know what to do? …I just don't know.
Tell me the last time you knew someone that put your mind to the test,had a come back for all the smart ass things you said, that made you nervous, set you off your normal momentum, the perverbial curve ball of life, that the mere thought of caused you to smile, one that on your best days gave you the desire to do just a little bit better and on your worst brought you back from the brink of chaos, people like that dont come around often enough, now what do you do to not lose them.
I ve met possibly one of the greatest girls I ve have ever met and I do not know what to do to not mess this up.
-Spider
I ve met possibly one of the greatest girls I ve have ever met and I do not know what to do to not mess this up.
-Spider
Personally my history repeats, if my history has told me anything at all its that it will come full circle time and time again and alomst repeat it self. The tone maybe different the style of it all may look nothing like the past, yet the end result and the base story of it all remains the same.
It could just be me but I think almost everyones life almost follows the same pattern, mine especially. I have either not learned from my past mistakes or I m just going to make them over and over agaqin till I get it right or something. Once again I find myself infatuated with a woman I should know better then to even set my sights on, perhaps its my need for a challenge in my life the stubborness of my nature. I have always had a great sense of character in a person, a good sense of who I will get along with and who I will not. On the surface nothing really matches up right opposite ends of the spectrum really, but there is still this attraction I felt instantanously, lust at first sight. Granted that can only be based on pure physical attraction to say anything else would be a lie. I did not know her I did not even know of her existance and as fate would have its fun and games I saw her fell for her then was posted with her. Insanity almost enough to make a agnostic move to side of blind faith, so I learn through out the night adding on to the instant physical attraction crating a grander infatuation. Not only is this woman a beautiful creation graced upon this speckel of dust in this vast universe, she is intelligent, sarcastic and of the two I am not sure which attracts me more. I hold sarcasim and the ablitly to throw out sarcastic lines and the ease of understanding of my own cheesy sarcasim as a great sign of inteligence. For the first time in a long time I found someone, yes just someone not just a woman but both sides of our species I have encountered someone who can not only grasp my quick one liners but retaliate with lines of their own just as fast as I throw them out. Best way to my heart out smart me lol, I m such a nerd.
Time to go back to fate and its fun and games. I have been on station seven months now, wow seven months time does move quickly doesnt it? Seems like only a a brief time ago I was sitting in the recruiters office deciding if this was what I really wanted to do with my life. Three years, three years ago I was sitting here in love and now I m debating over a infatuation I shouldnt even be concidering. Two years ago and year ago I was nuturing the same concept, each time the match in my mind seems to be more perfected. I m just delusional perhaps, wouldnt surprise me. Back to the fun n games before I run away on this tangent too far. Before a week ago I had never even hear this womans name, and now I ve heard it daily almost I have run into her on numerous occations and now Work with her.
That first night however was enough to dig her into my brain like a song that just wont leave, constantly on repeat. Up until and hour after being on shift I was posted with her yet again, and yes I will admit I was slightly exstatic until those fun and games came along and like I said it was only an hour into shit then, fate interviened and that hour I can say I didnt not give off the greatest impression, naturally. I instantly go into into this retardation.
My sense of reason and speach just loose their all rational thought. I just make a complete jack out of myself, I ll say something that makes no sense thats stupid or on and on and on it really does not matter base line fact of the matter is that I act like a fool. I cannot keep my composure when I m around her, just the same as it was with her predicessors. I have six days six more, then its off to Germany where the fun continues, she will be there as well.
As fate will have it as well there are six months that follow where we will be down range in the desert together as well. In the past all I have done is made a complete fool out of myself and at most gained a great friend which as much as I wished before hand for us to be much more then friends I cannot denie I like where the end of the story has come. The conclusion to my past trangressions has been more then sadisfactory. But great friends only come once in a while and I always appreciated my great friends ones I feel I can truely trust especially with my trust issues one can only take on so many good friends before the need the want and desire of something more completely drives one self and ruins all friends anyway, I do not want desperation to drive me to where this third possible more or friend get driven away due to my own inability to create a concrete relationship.
Nothing would please me more then to finnaly have someone to share these thoughts with someone who can put up with my insanity some one I can show emotion to. But deep down I think I know that I m one who will more then likey be the one to finish last. I spend my time with comics video games the internet and movies, not the top line attractions to the opposite sex. TO top it off one last kicker I fall in the darker slice of the pie the, social suicides ones that choose to be different. I wouldnt want it anyother way the combinations of my persona are what I firmly believe make me a better person. I am the nice guy I will more then likly finish last. But when the day is over if I have to stand at a gate and have someone judge my life I can with confidence say, yeah I was a good person I lived by what I believed was right and did what I could to correct the wrong. Dispite my lack of faith in some sort of higher power some divine being to dictat what I do, I will always do what I believe to be is good not out of fear of some eternal damnation but because it is the right thing to do. If there is a greater being out there, it should not need my faith to see that I am a good person. PLainly and simply, yet I rant on about it as if I am concerned over it. It is I suppose ratteling my cage a bit, due to the fact my infatuation is from what I m told and from what I have seen a devoute believer in her choosen faith. Theres nothign I can really do however just ride the ride see how this goes I cannot change who I am only hope how I am is how things need to be
Bewary of cryptic messages you never know where they are and how easily the can be spotted.
Even though I type away at what seems like constant gibberish it all has value
Theroputic value at the very least.
Someday I might express my self in a clear cut manner but until then,
You will have to fight through the fog of my mind.
Accept it for how it is.
Now is the time
Nothing else matters
-Spider
It could just be me but I think almost everyones life almost follows the same pattern, mine especially. I have either not learned from my past mistakes or I m just going to make them over and over agaqin till I get it right or something. Once again I find myself infatuated with a woman I should know better then to even set my sights on, perhaps its my need for a challenge in my life the stubborness of my nature. I have always had a great sense of character in a person, a good sense of who I will get along with and who I will not. On the surface nothing really matches up right opposite ends of the spectrum really, but there is still this attraction I felt instantanously, lust at first sight. Granted that can only be based on pure physical attraction to say anything else would be a lie. I did not know her I did not even know of her existance and as fate would have its fun and games I saw her fell for her then was posted with her. Insanity almost enough to make a agnostic move to side of blind faith, so I learn through out the night adding on to the instant physical attraction crating a grander infatuation. Not only is this woman a beautiful creation graced upon this speckel of dust in this vast universe, she is intelligent, sarcastic and of the two I am not sure which attracts me more. I hold sarcasim and the ablitly to throw out sarcastic lines and the ease of understanding of my own cheesy sarcasim as a great sign of inteligence. For the first time in a long time I found someone, yes just someone not just a woman but both sides of our species I have encountered someone who can not only grasp my quick one liners but retaliate with lines of their own just as fast as I throw them out. Best way to my heart out smart me lol, I m such a nerd.
Time to go back to fate and its fun and games. I have been on station seven months now, wow seven months time does move quickly doesnt it? Seems like only a a brief time ago I was sitting in the recruiters office deciding if this was what I really wanted to do with my life. Three years, three years ago I was sitting here in love and now I m debating over a infatuation I shouldnt even be concidering. Two years ago and year ago I was nuturing the same concept, each time the match in my mind seems to be more perfected. I m just delusional perhaps, wouldnt surprise me. Back to the fun n games before I run away on this tangent too far. Before a week ago I had never even hear this womans name, and now I ve heard it daily almost I have run into her on numerous occations and now Work with her.
That first night however was enough to dig her into my brain like a song that just wont leave, constantly on repeat. Up until and hour after being on shift I was posted with her yet again, and yes I will admit I was slightly exstatic until those fun and games came along and like I said it was only an hour into shit then, fate interviened and that hour I can say I didnt not give off the greatest impression, naturally. I instantly go into into this retardation.
My sense of reason and speach just loose their all rational thought. I just make a complete jack out of myself, I ll say something that makes no sense thats stupid or on and on and on it really does not matter base line fact of the matter is that I act like a fool. I cannot keep my composure when I m around her, just the same as it was with her predicessors. I have six days six more, then its off to Germany where the fun continues, she will be there as well.
As fate will have it as well there are six months that follow where we will be down range in the desert together as well. In the past all I have done is made a complete fool out of myself and at most gained a great friend which as much as I wished before hand for us to be much more then friends I cannot denie I like where the end of the story has come. The conclusion to my past trangressions has been more then sadisfactory. But great friends only come once in a while and I always appreciated my great friends ones I feel I can truely trust especially with my trust issues one can only take on so many good friends before the need the want and desire of something more completely drives one self and ruins all friends anyway, I do not want desperation to drive me to where this third possible more or friend get driven away due to my own inability to create a concrete relationship.
Nothing would please me more then to finnaly have someone to share these thoughts with someone who can put up with my insanity some one I can show emotion to. But deep down I think I know that I m one who will more then likey be the one to finish last. I spend my time with comics video games the internet and movies, not the top line attractions to the opposite sex. TO top it off one last kicker I fall in the darker slice of the pie the, social suicides ones that choose to be different. I wouldnt want it anyother way the combinations of my persona are what I firmly believe make me a better person. I am the nice guy I will more then likly finish last. But when the day is over if I have to stand at a gate and have someone judge my life I can with confidence say, yeah I was a good person I lived by what I believed was right and did what I could to correct the wrong. Dispite my lack of faith in some sort of higher power some divine being to dictat what I do, I will always do what I believe to be is good not out of fear of some eternal damnation but because it is the right thing to do. If there is a greater being out there, it should not need my faith to see that I am a good person. PLainly and simply, yet I rant on about it as if I am concerned over it. It is I suppose ratteling my cage a bit, due to the fact my infatuation is from what I m told and from what I have seen a devoute believer in her choosen faith. Theres nothign I can really do however just ride the ride see how this goes I cannot change who I am only hope how I am is how things need to be
Bewary of cryptic messages you never know where they are and how easily the can be spotted.
Even though I type away at what seems like constant gibberish it all has value
Theroputic value at the very least.
Someday I might express my self in a clear cut manner but until then,
You will have to fight through the fog of my mind.
Accept it for how it is.
Now is the time
Nothing else matters
-Spider
So I m back from Scotland.....was a blastie... got the full Scotish experiance... went there and got fucked by the english... 
....the bunk mate i had never met was not quite happy at all about that one
Pictures!!!:
At The Boarder
In the shadow of we came to call death tower
Ratteling the nerves of the locals
Piss'in in tow countries at once
I have more of scotland but I m a bit knackered as an engilsh lass i met would say so I leave you with this and a good day
-Spider
....the bunk mate i had never met was not quite happy at all about that one Pictures!!!:
At The Boarder
In the shadow of we came to call death tower
Ratteling the nerves of the locals
Piss'in in tow countries at once
I have more of scotland but I m a bit knackered as an engilsh lass i met would say so I leave you with this and a good day
-Spider
I m going to do a real update real soon, work sucks eats my time... even though i still do waste hours upon hours of my life on the internet and xbox live... i ve ben re addicted to gears of war.... but i had to post this video cause my sides now hurt from watching it.. enjoy.
"Hey There Vagina"
-;rtloi thats spider spelt if the keyboard was backwards
"Hey There Vagina"
-;rtloi thats spider spelt if the keyboard was backwards
Hi all
First off want to rant on about Paramore... I m not a huge fan, they have always kind of been there in the eh sounds good but not really my thing category. I m in to much more heavier stuff, but I m a sucker for female fronted bands and especially when I see some raw talent as well. I saw Paramore live at Download Fest 07 even passed up a heavier show to see em.... maybe I m getting weak on my genra if you want to think that but trust me I still hold up with the heavy hitters just broadening myself in the rock genera alittle more. Anyway they put on a hell of a show and do please take a gander at this an acustic performance and holey hell she sings it flawlessly. Its hott lol perfect performance love the watching it lol
Ok I ll end rant on Paramore and move on to KITTIE!!! haha my true love Paramore good but Kittie those are my girls, anywya wanna hear somethign disrepectful, the lead singer got gropped at a recent show in baltimore what the fuck!? Seriously they are the sweetest girls I know especially Morgan (lead singer/guitar) who are so great with their fans always out after shows always interacting with us. She stepped down from the stage to get a little closer and sing upfront with the fans in the fron and some guy grabbed her chest, its wrong to do that with any girl but someone whos putting on a concert what the hell.... the crowd promptly put out some vigilantie justice but none the less wrong. Morgan was pissed and so was Mercedes as I m sure was the rest of the band as our many of the fans, my sugestion was find him and make him a pinata be a great street team project
Anyway that pissed me off and if anyone doenst know Kittie has a new'ish album out cae out in Feb you should give a shot they have grown alot since their earlier days and thats the alst time many people listened to them
-Spider
First off want to rant on about Paramore... I m not a huge fan, they have always kind of been there in the eh sounds good but not really my thing category. I m in to much more heavier stuff, but I m a sucker for female fronted bands and especially when I see some raw talent as well. I saw Paramore live at Download Fest 07 even passed up a heavier show to see em.... maybe I m getting weak on my genra if you want to think that but trust me I still hold up with the heavy hitters just broadening myself in the rock genera alittle more. Anyway they put on a hell of a show and do please take a gander at this an acustic performance and holey hell she sings it flawlessly. Its hott lol perfect performance love the watching it lol
Ok I ll end rant on Paramore and move on to KITTIE!!! haha my true love Paramore good but Kittie those are my girls, anywya wanna hear somethign disrepectful, the lead singer got gropped at a recent show in baltimore what the fuck!? Seriously they are the sweetest girls I know especially Morgan (lead singer/guitar) who are so great with their fans always out after shows always interacting with us. She stepped down from the stage to get a little closer and sing upfront with the fans in the fron and some guy grabbed her chest, its wrong to do that with any girl but someone whos putting on a concert what the hell.... the crowd promptly put out some vigilantie justice but none the less wrong. Morgan was pissed and so was Mercedes as I m sure was the rest of the band as our many of the fans, my sugestion was find him and make him a pinata be a great street team project
Anyway that pissed me off and if anyone doenst know Kittie has a new'ish album out cae out in Feb you should give a shot they have grown alot since their earlier days and thats the alst time many people listened to them
-Spider
These are from a book a extroidinary book that I suggest everyone reads
-Spider
There are no ordinary moments.
If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.
Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's dilemma. It's neither doing nor not doing. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence-sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation...is lukewarm tea, the devil's own brew.
Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is...The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds
Wake up! If you knew for certain you had a terminal illness--if you had little time left to live--you would waste precious little of it! Well, I'm telling you...you do have a terminal illness: It's called birth. You don't have more than a few years left. No one does! So be happy now, without reason--or you will never be at all.
You haven't yet opened your heart fully, to life, to each moment. The peaceful warrior's way is not about invulnerability, but absolute vulnerability--to the world, to life, and to the Presence you felt. All along I've shown you by example that a warrior's life is not about imagined perfection or victory; it is about love. Love is a warrior's sword; wherever it cuts, it gives life, not death
-Spider
There are no ordinary moments.
If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever. Your mind is your predicament. It wants to be free of change. Free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death. But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.
Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's dilemma. It's neither doing nor not doing. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence-sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation...is lukewarm tea, the devil's own brew.
Pain is a relatively objective, physical phenomenon; suffering is our psychological resistance to what happens. Events may create physical pain, but they do not in themselves create suffering. Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is...The only problem in your life is your mind's resistance to life as it unfolds
Wake up! If you knew for certain you had a terminal illness--if you had little time left to live--you would waste precious little of it! Well, I'm telling you...you do have a terminal illness: It's called birth. You don't have more than a few years left. No one does! So be happy now, without reason--or you will never be at all.
You haven't yet opened your heart fully, to life, to each moment. The peaceful warrior's way is not about invulnerability, but absolute vulnerability--to the world, to life, and to the Presence you felt. All along I've shown you by example that a warrior's life is not about imagined perfection or victory; it is about love. Love is a warrior's sword; wherever it cuts, it gives life, not death
OK so here are some pics didnt take as many as I would have liked but... its been three years since I ve seen the girls of Kittie live so I had to thrash around 
Show was awesome wish it would have been a full set
ok soo here we go.
Welcome to Band Camp...
The Girls Start Rocking... along with Jeff..
Mud is flying..
Crew is hiding...
Jeff keeps rocking
As always the ladies put there all out for their fans
Taking photos with mud covered Spiders n all
Kittie Came Kittie Saw Kittie Rocked
See the mud bottles and flip flops fly!!
Mud and Bottle Wars:
See Kittie bring the place alive.... quality is sub decent had to shrink it a bit to get it on you tube,,, and the camera shakes pretty much the whole time and yes I do jump into a pit for a bit cause I could not resist :rockon: Kittie's Opening Song, Witch Hunt off Funeral For Yesturday
Over all awesome time glad I could see the girls live againits been waaaay to long.... another plus Morgan remembered who I was super awesomeness there and its been three years since I ve been able to see them live and I ve been alot less active on their forums then I would like but still she was like spider... the spider.. off the boards that would be me...... I m telling you there is no band out there with a deeper connection with their fans then Kittie. They work so hard to keep the music coming and keep the repore they have built with their fans
-Spider
Show was awesome wish it would have been a full set
ok soo here we go.
Welcome to Band Camp...
The Girls Start Rocking... along with Jeff..
Mud is flying..
Crew is hiding...
Jeff keeps rocking
As always the ladies put there all out for their fans
Taking photos with mud covered Spiders n all
Kittie Came Kittie Saw Kittie Rocked
See the mud bottles and flip flops fly!!
Mud and Bottle Wars:
See Kittie bring the place alive.... quality is sub decent had to shrink it a bit to get it on you tube,,, and the camera shakes pretty much the whole time and yes I do jump into a pit for a bit cause I could not resist :rockon: Kittie's Opening Song, Witch Hunt off Funeral For Yesturday
Over all awesome time glad I could see the girls live againits been waaaay to long.... another plus Morgan remembered who I was super awesomeness there and its been three years since I ve been able to see them live and I ve been alot less active on their forums then I would like but still she was like spider... the spider.. off the boards
that would be me...... I m telling you there is no band out there with a deeper connection with their fans then Kittie. They work so hard to keep the music coming and keep the repore they have built with their fans-Spider
