Hello my dear friends…

Sorry for not blogging in a long time, I have to say that I am truly happy, for once in a long, long time. Still single…unfortunately. But do I have an article published here on SG! My first and (hopefully, not last) one. I also decided to use my full name as opposed to AvarvS. As most of you know (if anyone has read my profile) I am a writer. It is more of a hobby than a profession, however I hope to use this passion for writing into a career. I truly love doing it and I hope all of you will enjoy it. Marilyn Monroe has influenced me in so many ways, so it is kind of a ’thank you’ from me. As today marks 49 years since her passing, it is a genuinely sad and poignant day for me.

I also hope to buy another camera and start taking photos again…fine art, scenery, nudes etc. Not really doing any commercial work, unless you count taking photos of hopefuls and SG as ‘commercial’. I am trying to work on my art as well. I forgot to add something to the article however…my granddad gave me an old Kodak camera from the 1930’s, it didn’t work but I pretended to use it anyway. It amazed me how such a small device could capture an image…trust me as a 9 year old boy, it amazed me. I did have a camera that I used (believe it or not, it was the days before the digital revolution) when I was a teenager, it was cheap, used 35mm film but I loved it.

Well here is a link to the article…please enjoy it.

http://suicidegirls.com/news/culture/24647/How-A-Photograph-of-Marilyn-Monroe-Changed-My-Life/

I want to thank Nicole for doing such a great job editing and giving me a chance and for adding such beautiful pictures of the beautiful (yet retired from SG) Jami Suicide!

We all get inspiration from somewhere, somebody or something. All of you inspire me with your friendship and your beauty.

Talk to you all soon…take care.

Howdy all!

I know its been a while, a long while since my last blog entry so here goes...

Over the past few months I have come on here and constantly whined about my health. Well the good news is that in these past few days I have been feeling pretty decent, hell last Friday I actually spent a good 6 hours outdoors. Of course I also wanted to say to all of you, my friends, my amazing peeps that I will be online more within the next few days than ever before and I promise to write (and yes, even post on my blog more ) and keep in touch. I hope most of you will forgive me for not messaging as much as I should. Some of you I haven't written to in months...again sorry.

I have to get some blood drawn tommorrow so my oncologist can check my blood count and to see if anymore cancer cells are lurking about. Then on the 15 of June I will find out the results and see if I have to have another chemotherapy session at the end of the month. Fuck I hate the thought of that, however I guess we have to do what we have to do.

On a postive note, I will be going to Southern California (ie: the Hollywood area) at the beginning of August for a little R&R that for me, is long overdue. Beach, sun, movie stars (ok, I don't care much for movie stars in general and the only one that I really like is deceased) and just a break from Vegas. Funny thought, I noticed folks in L.A. always trash SoCal as people here trash Vegas, trust me I have verbally flushed Vegas down that proverbial toilet to so many peeps. Maybe I am just so used to this shit-hole since I moved here over two decades ago from Michigan when I was but a mere boy of 19. I miss those days.

In short, at least my days are proving to be better and better with increased appetite, more energy and a little less pain than before.

Take care all of my beautiful, sweet peeps!!!

Thx for replying to my last blog (you know whom u are)

Anyway, I am starting to feel useless as a man, I know I shouldn't keep these feelings all the time but seriously how can I not. I am getting tired of the internet thing. Maybe I should turn homosexual, although the thought of same sex (for me anyway) is repulsive, I am completely straight. Although I seem to attract men rather than women. Maybe its my aura or some shit like that. I am not sure I just know that I am sick and tired of the same thing. I know I am not much to look at, hell i've been told by enough females my whole life, hell I still shutter when I look back at my puberty...I really hated the girls I went to High school with. I mean I wasn't the best looking (shit, still ain't) but I was a nice guy. Maybe thats my problem, I am not built like a brick shit house, I don't have 2 dozen tattoos and only have pierced ears. I like to read, write, draw and maybe because I don't like fast cars, motorcycles or living on the edge (I should though, this whole Cancer thing sort of wakes you up) makes Timmy a dull boy to 99.9% of the women alive on this Earth.

Its difficult to express how I feel at any given point in my day. But lonliness (ie: fear of dying alone) is my biggest problem. I am at the age (40) where women my own age tend to be looking for a father for their children or a 'friend' as oppossed to a real partner. Younger women are different because they tend to len towards more attractive men (PS: this is just what i've experienced first hand...NOT ALL women, just the 1,000 or so I met during my lifetime) and maybe I am being a "baby" but when you have this feeling and are going through what I have, you would give anything to just lay with someone, to hold them and just feel like you actually mean something to someone, that someone loves and cares about you, family counts by the way, they are all supportive of me. I am talking in a romantic way. I have always heard that if you look for love, you will never find it, but if you act all "blah" about it, it usually hits you in the face...well I have been "blah" about it for nearly 4 damn years and it hasn't done shit for me at all, just makes me feel as though I am not good enough. Does that make sense. I know I may get blasted for this but for men it is different than it is for women. That is to say that for me, I find women in general attractive, whether its there eyes, lips, nose (yes 'nose') smile, laugh, voice , accent or no, hands. All those things mean more to me than weight, tit size, legs or anything else. Most people when we talk about our 'ideal mate' generalize it to a fault. It is true that a good sense of humour is important as is character, a trustful and trustworthy woman but also someone whom keeps me on my toes. A friend, someone to talk to about my problems, trust me I have problems, but she would accept me for me.

I am not into 'soul-mate' shit. Its just a way for Hallmark (like Valentine's Day) to sell their crap. On top of all of that, as I stated above it would be nice just to lay with someone, to hold them. Just that feeling is amazing by itself, no sex. Most of you whom will read this know that I can't get wood even if I tied 2 popsicle sticks to each side of it and made a splint...my meds and the chemotherapy did that in. Sex isn't an issue at all. Hell I wish I could, it would be nice. I won't lie.

All in all, I apologize if I offended anyone here, I just had to vent. Its so frustrating to be alone all the time, to feel alienated from the female sex 98.99% of the time (not talking about my friends of course). It just makes a man feel 'un-manly', unwanted, unattractive and simply put...like comeplete dog-shit. Albeit 6'0", brown eyed, shave-headed dog shit but still the same.

Thats all for now...

Sorryfor the lack of posts my friends, lack of energy, time and the ability to pull some of magically here. I am still fighting my way out of what seems to be a lose-lose battle with my illness. I finally lost my eyebrows, hair on my scrotum, even my eyelashes are flling out now (let alone I have the chest of a somewhat flat-chested girl with only a few hairs , here and there. So I am not feeling like a man, I feel like less of one. I haven't (before I here TMI) had sex in a long time...4 years. I do miss it. Even though my sexual energy comes and goes (but mostly is gone at this point) I still wish I had someone to cuddle with on on those rare periods my muscles dont ache or my headache finally absolves completely, I would love to feel the touch of a young woman, have her carress my (almost) bare chest, to press her breasts against my skin, to take in her scent, to breathe it imto my soul. To gently lick her lips with my tongue and taste her chin, neck and ears and to know tha=t she really feels that I am truly sexy enough. The way I have been feeling sex is out of the picture and I don't know when it will ever, if ever it will return. I just feel less of a man without sex. I love to please women (more I think than most men want to worldwide. I am not the greatest catch but I do have a heart, passion and as I said i do have the urge to merge on occasion.

Cuddling is far too inmportant, to wake up in the morning and hold her in my arms, see her smile knowing that I made her happy by just holding her all night.

Am I going nuts? I wish this cheno would stop becasue the more I do it it feels like my manhood will wither away and die...and so will I.

Hello all of you beautiful, amazing peeps.

Sorry for the lack of updates on my blog but I still don't feel very well, I mean thats an ongoing thing with me lately. I have been writing few stories (ie: novels, shorts etc.) and trying to draw some other interesting stuff as well as a picture I promised for the dear, sweet Dalilah. I haven't forgotten by the way.

I have finished with the long, seemingl endless first 6 sessions, now I have to get another CT scan and have another Bone Marrow biopsy within the next 3 weeks. I wont have another chemo session at least until June. Of course 3 more weeks scares the living shit out of me. I have started to take the anti-Nausea/Vomitting pills within these past 2 weeks and that isn't fun.

Anyways, I miss you guys and sorry for not posting on your blogs. I hope forgivness is in order?

Take care my lovelies...

Sorry for the lack of updates peeps of mine, just trying to keep fom hurling from the chemo. Of course when the chemo wears off, I end up getting a complete cancerous kick in the ass from my body doing a battle to the death with it. I didn't have internet for a while there as well so I couldn't even drop a line to any of you until more recent days.

I hope you are all doing better, Pthalo, my friend, I have not forgotton to send you a card, as aboved stated I haven't felt too well these past 7 weeks. However I wanted to create something for you as I am an artist (well, you can judge that for your self) and I want to do this sweet thing for you as gratitude for what you sent to me, did I mention I loved the Christmas card and the other card? The magnet was so great, really, truthfully.

Again I am so sorry not to have been around with any new photos, just felt that i didn't want to scare the shit out of any of you. ***LOW SELF-ESTEEM CHECK IN AISLE 5***

Take care my lovely, beautiful, sexy and oh so sweet and nice peeps...Thinking of you all.

Well, sorry for the lack of updates, I have been sick and really worried about this port surgery tommorrow afternoon, I know I shouldn't, I mean I have two piercings and a tattoo so needles should have no effect right? I just hate the thought of doing it, but I guess its either this or have to deal with my arteries hardening like a damn rock.

I hope everybody had a great Christmas. Mine wasn't really bad considering.

Love you all and take care of yourselves.

Well, I just found out recently that I must have surgery to place a port on my chest as it will make getting the chemotherapy a little easier on my veins. My Oncologist was checking me out Friday and said that my vein in my left arm was hardened (the first time anything has been hard in awhile...I know bad joke) from the chemicals...so I will do this and it will save the rest of my veins, I heard that the veins will heal in time so thats good I guess. I also just started losing my eyebrow hair, thats weird. The doc said that other hair will also follow suit, wow, thats reassuring huh?

Its not like I dont look bad enough already. LOL!

I think my biggest worry is I really dont like the idea of having someone cut into me and attaching something to a major artery, even though it is a 'routine' deal, still I have many qualms about this procedure. In any case I should know the exact date in about a week or so, maybe by next Thursday for sure.

I just wanted to thank everyone for excepting my friend requests, it means alot to me...its not about the number its about the quality. All of you are very important to me even though I know I don't post on blogs that often, i do try. Some of you I have known for many years and others more recently, but thank you for putting your trust in me and please dont hesitate to drop me a line from time to time as I will always reply...

Some pics of Quasimodo for everyones amusement...

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As you all can see, I have lost a considerable amount of weight since the last pics I posted awhile ago (I think I lost like 40 pounds in 5 months - without trying to).

Just playing around on the internet and listening to some Beatles, Van Halen, Kiss and Steely Dan, wow, that does show my age a little eh?