This is my brain..I just want to hide today

So anyhow..My workout and diet and being fucking killed , and it really is getting to take its toll on me..So..last night they come and get me after work and tell me we are going out to dinner..so they pic this place where nothing is heathy really and their salads suck asss royally, so I order this grilled chicken and tomato with a side a sweet potato..thinking i'm doing good..then they want to go to Boarders and look at stuff, we dont get home'till 8 and i dont work out again..We had sex last night, and the entire time Im am peroccupied with my self hate.
Someone just fucking shoot me. enough is enough. If i'm tired and worn I just dont have the strength to keep my self postive. I feel I am completely worthless. I wonder what the fuck he is doing with me. I convince myself he will leave. then I want to leave him to spare him the hell if being with me.
I slept on the couch last night, i did something horrible, and am lucky to even be talking to you this morning.
I called out sick from work and was told I had to come in today, no questions asked.
thats it..I dont have much to say.
In lighter news. I will post some new shots soon from a certain set.

new stuff kinda bothers me..
why do i need 3 pics instead of one..if i already have pics in my folder..this baffles me. Some of this stuff just seems sorta bulky and unneed, just my 2 bits.

I was soooo tired and depressed last night that I didnt even work out..Tonight I am going xmas shopping so no working out tonite too..meh..but Im doing good anyhow.

I dont really have any "news" per se..lots of job offers. and that is cool..but some of these sights are a bit far out for me..and Im very hesistant of things that seem too good to be true..Im not up for being in a body bag.

I did get an offer to be a sex worker in a huge house for traveling men and women, I would only work weekends and I would only service women..yeah..not sure how i feel about that.

I am very happy with my life, did i tell you that..yeah i did-
Here's the thing, guys..I cant be happy with me..does that make sense. I was raised to be muble, to be modest, and in my warped head, modesty and humility bread lack of self confidence and self love..as a kid a took being humble as self hate..if that makes sense..So now as an adult I am doing my best to get out of that..Ima confident person on my own-but it comes to compairing myself to others, the others always win.

Im worried about my kid brother..He has these huge anger issues that he learned from my dad, combined with violent streaks, that e watched my dad display-so my mom told me this weekend that he has ripped 2 doors of their hinges and that he punched a hole in his wall a huge hole..now mind you he is a twig..so its like hulk strength..it comes from rage..my dad has never addressed his issues so my brother has no one male to guide him. I spoke to Brian about it last night, and Brian said over Christmas he is gonna take him out and talk to him one of the days we are there, he said he delt with it alot when he was younger, and that part of it is your testosterone producing more, ad that you have to learn to keep in check..

So..any girls want to go on a date this weekend..I need the girl love bad..

Keep me company today..
I remembered to wear deoderant.
Oh..before i forget..I was too tired to watch the Eagles game last night..so I went to be wearing my litttle Eagels t shirt and Eagles panties to cheer them on in my slumber, I woke up to my alarm radio, and they were going over the stats of last nights game..What can I say Jeff Garcia Shocked the shit out of me last night..Sometimes I laugh thinking of what would have happened if TO stayed in Philly and McNabb got hurt, It would be the 49ers all over again.
Take care

so yeah..
SG was down for me most of the day..
I thought they blocked me
but i suppose my network at work is retarded.
did i miss anything good.
so i had a ton of stuff i wanted to ramble about but i lost steam with not being able to get on.
I'm very sleepy today.
I just feel so removed.
I will work out tonight, and thats about it.
I missed everyone

this bitch can cook.
nothing i more rewarding to me then my hunny looking at me and telling me how I am the perfect blend of everytihg, and that he has never eating such good foood in his life. makes me feel so warm and loved.
I got myself so depressed before bed last night. Im so silly. Im over it, so its not worth going into right now.
Im listening to Ani Difranco, buring yummy wintery smelling candles, cooking some soup from brian for the week.
I feel so domesticated. and I adore it.

I had a long talk last night with a friend of mine that is trying to talk to me about modeling for a career. Im not wanting to do that. I like doing this for pleasure not as a job choice. and it wouldnt even be sexual modeling..just not my bag..ill get naked for a career howeve. I dont want to make that commitment. I also dont want it to be something that I dred doing. I like my life the way it is. How many people can say that.
I very happy. I have never been happy with my life before, so its a nice change.
I'm also fully aware at this point that my looks will never make me happy. But you move on.

Have a great day

I have high speeds fianlly.
I dont have blond hair, I have copper hair with light high lights..they couldnt do blonde witout my hair frying..I have to wait 10 days then I can go lighter, it'll be baby steps so my hair stay healthy..no pics yet.
I set someone to ignore, because they fucking creep me out and there really is no reason for them to be speaking to me, the end.
So yeah thats pretty much it. I have shit I should be doing today, and I may get around to it, but I wanted to tinker with this first.
I will take some pics this weekend I promise.
I had the most amazing taco for dinner last night..tinght i will make homemade baked ziti with my yummy mini meatballs.
I also will be sending out some more xmas cards.
I love you guys and hope you have a lovely weekend