Hey peps, I am still around... Just been focusing on being a mom and other stuff. Not much going on with me anyway. I had had surgery yesterday though. Had to get a pesky tumor removed from underneath my nail. They took of my finger nail. So now ill be withought a middle finger nail for 6 months or so. But that's it in the world of me... What's new with you guys?

How do you get a "crush" out of youre head? what do you do to make your mind stop seeing them that way?

*back story*

back in 2003, my junior year of highschool i had a huge thing for an awesome guy, and feeling where mutual.

funny story, my now husband (who i also knew in highschool but did not date until 2 years after he graduated) Knew about my "crushes" feeling for me. i think they talked about it once, anyway my husband told me years later he figured he had no chance with me because of that mutual affection we had.

anyways me and my "crush" never dated, (i was in a relationship at the time) nothing, just a school friendship. he graduated 2 years before me and i never seen him again. but he was always in the back of my mind. the one who got away sorta thing.

thanks to social media we connected through myspace. talked a bunch then outa nowhere he stopped msg. me.
i gave up, moved on... and placed the thoughts back inside deep away. a few weeks after that i meet back up with my now husband through a link of events. we started dating, weeks turned to months, months turned to years. then i had my son. then i married.

then outa the blue i get a friend request on fb. its my "crush" (hes also requested my husband too) now this is fine no big deal, no grief from my husband, after all it was just a highschool crush. no big deal.

but for some reason it still burns in my head. those feelings come back when i see his post, or a picture.

just to mention, I would never leave my husband... i would never act on these feelings.these are all just thoughts and memories in my head. but as a human these feeling are there and are natural. its okay to feel this way to an extent, but i feel like its going to fare, and i these feeling gone! i dont want that flame lit.

but i also dont want to delete him for some stupid reason like this. i am still intrested in being a friend, after all that is all we ever where in highschool. and like i mentioned he is a good guy...

Social media is a very tricky thing now a days.

So the dreads where a bust, didnt end up happening (no show) sorta upset.

Haven't had the money to see my therapist, and i feel like therapy really isnt the key for me (my therapist even said "i have great insight, and i am very self aware) makes me feel like i dont really need one after all

My glasses broke in half on Sunday (i am blind without them) and i loved my frames so it was a sad day, and i still miss them. Now i am transitioning into contacts. and i feel so weird without my glasses, iv worn them for 8 years and i feel like they have become apart of my "look" without them i feel like i look strange. i dont look the same anymore. funny my whole life i thought i looked better without them, until i had to be without them.
so to all my contact wearing friends, throw some tips and tricks my way for a contact newb.

No Glasses

with Glasses

Going to be working on one of my little skills that i don't get to use often. Dreading some hair this weekend! its been a long while since i last dreaded a head. and iv come such a long way (started on myself about 7 years back) since then i have Dreaded hair about 3 times, and with each one i gain more knowledge on the proses.

This time around i am going to try my best to use no wax what so ever! and i will not be sectioning the hair in a grid patter. Instead ill follow the natural flow of where the hair falls. to give it a more natural look. So if all goes well maybe this weekend ill be working on some hair. If not the end of october will be the date. Ill be sure to post pictures.

I would really love to make this something i do more often. So spread the word my Ohio friends.

her is a shot of the last dreads



Here are my dreads from 7 years ago (i was 19 at the time, and dumb. lol, but i did these myself)

my life, my feeling, my fight, is all in these lyrics... go look them up lazy people


me at the golden age of 13 or 14 so goth

no real news today, just been seeing doctors non stop for the past few weeks, meet my pharmacologist yesterday! that was fun and exciting... DRUGSSSSSS

Having my first therapy session today as well. not excited about that. sorta nervous... not sure what to expect.


so now its picture time; monster trucks and my baby






Me My father, and my lil Brother steve.... (hes my only brother but hes the best brother)

my Therapist Consultation when great on Friday! i am very excited to be getting help and doing whatever it takes to be normal again.

So fare i am dealing with Aggression, Abandonment issues, and GAD... Generalized anxiety disorder. So ill be seeing my thereapist weekly. shes a very sweet kind women. so i see this going great.

the down fall is i have to attend some thing like AA meeting but these are for people who have family and are dealing with family's addiction. fun fun. NOT! ill also have to start writing in a journal about my feeling and emotions, then compiling them together for notes on things to change in my meeting.

all in all i am very excited for this, and the anticipation for next Friday is killing me.

My therapist suggested this;

i was told to take this in place of Xanax for my anxiety. and omg, does it work! its like the legal form on xanax! does the trick and calms me down (i let it sit for a good 10) before drinking though. i may never need the Xanax again! try this stuff out guys.

going to see a therapist tomorrow for the first time in my life. not sure what to expect or how to do this but i am diving in head first.

Getting a little more comfortable with the site again. i feel like i settled in real nice and easy like.

really wanna get my foot back into the door and start modeling again. but i need a good photographer and i need some suggestions on SG girls who are more my body type (140+ in weight) so i can get some ideas on posing for a girl my size.

take care friends and wish me luck. suggestions and advise needed too thanks.

I am slowly trying to get back into posting and interacting more on this site. Its so hard though. not sure where to start or where i fit in? i feel like the new girl at school all over again.

Iv been dealing with allot of personal problems (emotional well-being.) and i feel as if finally the light is shinning through these dark looming clouds. All thanks to a new mix of crazy meds! lol. a while back i was forced to admit to myself along with to other that i am in fact bipolar (bipolar 2) while i always knew i was admitting it to my husband and friends and family was extremely hard. it has such a stigma surrounding it!

Now the hard part is fixing myself and letting the past go and figuring out a way to not be so hard on myself.
my biggest problem is accepting complements about my personal self. When some one says "you're a great mother" or "you are a good person" and so on... i just feel sick to my stomach! hearing people say good things about me makes me sick. and i just cannot figure out why. i truly do think i am a good person, a great mom, and a loving wife. but i cannot stand to hear it from other people. its nuts

Now to the good stuff, and a little inside look at me and my kid... enjoy

Hey SG land. Sup? hows everyone... i feel so lost here now a days. maybe one day ill try to get back into the swing of this site.. maybe just maybe

until then here are some pictures of me, and my 18month old son.

(can some one do me a favor a re size this pictures so i fits nice and snug in my profile picture? i have photo editing programs!!!)





i love this affect.. lol


IHOP chillin with daddy







Gavin loves Sally, and it turns out Nightmare before Christmas is his favorite movie!




Gavin try so hard to be a big boy


Hes a huge fan of SOA!


Its in his blood to grow up to be fully tattooed


a few of my newer tattoos, love them so freaking much!