Well, my year long SG subscription is about to run out, and I am not sure if I will pay the 50 dollars to renew it or not. I get on here enough, but not many people read my blogs anymore... so I feel a little out of place when it comes to the community. A lot of old friends have disappeared or moved on, so we will see.
I didn't do anything for Paddy's day. I didn't feel like dealing with the crowds or drunk people, so I stayed home and relaxed. It wasn't terribly awful, but it was so dreadfully boring.
I'm currently trying to decide if I want to go back to school in the fall to finish my teaching certifications because I know I don't want to be stuck in the IT field forever. There is hardly any satisfaction whatsoever. Makes me sad seeing these 40-something guys stuck in that field and hardly making enough money to support their families. I don't want to fall into that blackhole of an occupation.
So, it's time to decide if I want to take the next year of my life to go back to school and get a second degree (in English lol). It would be nice to have something to fall back on, but my parents' lack of support is really scaring me. The current job I am only lasts through the summer (so far), since it is a contract gig, and they could extend me out longer, but I won't know until almost two weeks before they decide to cut or extend me. I hate that because it doesn't allow me to plan at all. I need to know if I can move or save money for school or anything really.
So much uncertainty. I've also begun writing a short story manuscript to use for graduate school applications for the Fall of 2014 (never too early to start preparing, right?) It's an interesting process, to say the least. I hope you all are doing well out there and not too hung over from the weekend
El Fin <3
I didn't do anything for Paddy's day. I didn't feel like dealing with the crowds or drunk people, so I stayed home and relaxed. It wasn't terribly awful, but it was so dreadfully boring.
I'm currently trying to decide if I want to go back to school in the fall to finish my teaching certifications because I know I don't want to be stuck in the IT field forever. There is hardly any satisfaction whatsoever. Makes me sad seeing these 40-something guys stuck in that field and hardly making enough money to support their families. I don't want to fall into that blackhole of an occupation.
So, it's time to decide if I want to take the next year of my life to go back to school and get a second degree (in English lol). It would be nice to have something to fall back on, but my parents' lack of support is really scaring me. The current job I am only lasts through the summer (so far), since it is a contract gig, and they could extend me out longer, but I won't know until almost two weeks before they decide to cut or extend me. I hate that because it doesn't allow me to plan at all. I need to know if I can move or save money for school or anything really.
So much uncertainty. I've also begun writing a short story manuscript to use for graduate school applications for the Fall of 2014 (never too early to start preparing, right?) It's an interesting process, to say the least. I hope you all are doing well out there and not too hung over from the weekend
El Fin <3
I apologize ahead of time for this blog. It's going to be quite the read, so if you can't handle a lot of words coming out you, then this is not the blog for you.
I just watched Silver Linings Playbook (streamed from home and now I regret it because I want to pay for this), and I'm laying here in bed just trying to put all the thoughts and emotions together. The problem is... I'm so speechless right now. I have not been touched and forced to think about life in quite some time. Probably as long as years.
I'm going to talk in-depth about the movie, so I'll spoiler the rest of my blog.
I just watched Silver Linings Playbook (streamed from home and now I regret it because I want to pay for this), and I'm laying here in bed just trying to put all the thoughts and emotions together. The problem is... I'm so speechless right now. I have not been touched and forced to think about life in quite some time. Probably as long as years.
I'm going to talk in-depth about the movie, so I'll spoiler the rest of my blog.
I think that is all I have at the moment. I feel so spent from all the thinking and crying I have done tonight. I hope you all are doing well. Any good vibes you can spare for me would be appreciated
El Fin <3
Music
It's probably the strongest healing and meditative force in my life right now. There is a song "Madness" by Muse that I just stumbled upon last night for the first time ever (which is a huge deal since I have been a long-time Muse fan) and I cannot stop listening to it. It makes me want to bob my head and smile while I close my eyes and take it all in.
What song makes you just feel good about life?
It's probably the strongest healing and meditative force in my life right now. There is a song "Madness" by Muse that I just stumbled upon last night for the first time ever (which is a huge deal since I have been a long-time Muse fan) and I cannot stop listening to it. It makes me want to bob my head and smile while I close my eyes and take it all in.
What song makes you just feel good about life?
Happiness vs. Settling
This will be a partial add-on to a previous blog dealing with happiness. I do apologize for this, but I feel it's justified only because I have had ample time to think about everything. Plus, my father and I had quite the conversation that set me of. So please, bear with me.
As children we have dreams of growing up and living a perfect life. We have our majors picked out, the jobs we want, and sometimes we even pick a city to live in and settle down. As we get older and the time comes for the dreams to take shape, the outline we have in our minds change or alter slightly. We accept it and move forward and still the shape changes more. After a while what we had intended from the start is noting like what it is now. (I"m going to be general here slightly) I call this settling. We "settle" into something that is good in the here and now. We get desperate looking for a job so we take that fast food job that pays just minimum wage instead of the job that you went to school for. We start a relationship with someone that makes us feel less lonely but we don't really have feelings for them, etc, etc. Again, I'm being super general here, and I know not all of the people in the world have this issue, but it is out there. I have talked to many people over the last few months where this is the case. Happiness takes a backseat to "settling" only because we have no options.
Now, the conversation with my father. I was telling him that in my current job (doing IT at a hospital) is not something that I would do in the long term (years) only because I don't like the environment. Some of you know that I have been having issues dealing with people (mainly elderly and children) in pain. I have to work in the general vicinity of these people and it breaks my heart to see these injured souls cry out. My dad took offense and said that I was just trying to find an excuse to get out of working there and that I was destined to drift from one job to another for the rest of my life.
This point made me quite mad simply because his position is that as long as it pays me money, I should suck it up and put my happiness out of my mind. That I should start considering the idea of settling down and providing for a family. A job will do that, he says. I told him that I wanted to go back and get my teaching degree and apparently teachers don't make enough or rather make less than I do now. When I try to make a valid point I get the passive-aggressive "it's your life" line and the phone call ends. I don't know when it happened or why it happened, but I feel like some of us got to a point when we were tricked out of our dreams. Like a sly snake-oil salesman rolling into our minds and swindling us out of our hopes and ambitions only to be left with bottles of "settling tonic." Of course it comes with a guarantee to make us feel warm and cozy at night, but in the end it's just the minimum. It's the average line. I don't like average.
Sorry, but I have been thinking about all of this all weekend, and I thought putting it in this blog would help me. I do feel a little better, but I know for CERTAIN that I will not do IT for the rest of my life. It is the least fulfilling job I have ever had. The work is super easy, but there is nothing to show for it. I want to make a difference; an impact. Not just survive. I want to flourish.
What do you want?
El Fin <3
This will be a partial add-on to a previous blog dealing with happiness. I do apologize for this, but I feel it's justified only because I have had ample time to think about everything. Plus, my father and I had quite the conversation that set me of. So please, bear with me.
As children we have dreams of growing up and living a perfect life. We have our majors picked out, the jobs we want, and sometimes we even pick a city to live in and settle down. As we get older and the time comes for the dreams to take shape, the outline we have in our minds change or alter slightly. We accept it and move forward and still the shape changes more. After a while what we had intended from the start is noting like what it is now. (I"m going to be general here slightly) I call this settling. We "settle" into something that is good in the here and now. We get desperate looking for a job so we take that fast food job that pays just minimum wage instead of the job that you went to school for. We start a relationship with someone that makes us feel less lonely but we don't really have feelings for them, etc, etc. Again, I'm being super general here, and I know not all of the people in the world have this issue, but it is out there. I have talked to many people over the last few months where this is the case. Happiness takes a backseat to "settling" only because we have no options.
Now, the conversation with my father. I was telling him that in my current job (doing IT at a hospital) is not something that I would do in the long term (years) only because I don't like the environment. Some of you know that I have been having issues dealing with people (mainly elderly and children) in pain. I have to work in the general vicinity of these people and it breaks my heart to see these injured souls cry out. My dad took offense and said that I was just trying to find an excuse to get out of working there and that I was destined to drift from one job to another for the rest of my life.
This point made me quite mad simply because his position is that as long as it pays me money, I should suck it up and put my happiness out of my mind. That I should start considering the idea of settling down and providing for a family. A job will do that, he says. I told him that I wanted to go back and get my teaching degree and apparently teachers don't make enough or rather make less than I do now. When I try to make a valid point I get the passive-aggressive "it's your life" line and the phone call ends. I don't know when it happened or why it happened, but I feel like some of us got to a point when we were tricked out of our dreams. Like a sly snake-oil salesman rolling into our minds and swindling us out of our hopes and ambitions only to be left with bottles of "settling tonic." Of course it comes with a guarantee to make us feel warm and cozy at night, but in the end it's just the minimum. It's the average line. I don't like average.
Sorry, but I have been thinking about all of this all weekend, and I thought putting it in this blog would help me. I do feel a little better, but I know for CERTAIN that I will not do IT for the rest of my life. It is the least fulfilling job I have ever had. The work is super easy, but there is nothing to show for it. I want to make a difference; an impact. Not just survive. I want to flourish.
What do you want?
El Fin <3
Superbowl Sunday... you may be asking yourself if I care or not, and I respond, "not really."
It's Sunday... just like any other weekend. Sure, it's an annual clash of titans on the football field, but I stopped caring about professional sports when I was in high school. The only redeeming factor of the whole ordeal are the commercials. They are usually clever and/or witty in their marketing strategy, and I can appreciate that.
I'm spending the day at the coffee shop with my friend Michelle. We are hashing out short stories and other fascinating facets of the universe. I'm also trying to fend off the dull throbbings of a headache, which is not fairing well. I figured that the caffeine from my mocha would combat it nicely, but alas, it's not.
Tomorrow starts another week at work, and I am more than grateful for the paycheck that awaits me every Tuesday morning at 8:30am sharp, but the job is a rollercoaster. A whirlwind of technological problems, office politics, and post-work alcoholic adventures. Maybe this is what it means to be an adult? It seems to be the case, based upon what I have observed from the veterans in the office. A group of early 30 to late 40 year old nerds that have devoted themselves to the world of ever-advancing technology, but really they are all man-children (which can be seen by how they interact with a severe lacking of interpersonal skills).
Back to Sunday... It has always been a day of reflection. I think it's because it is the end of one week and the beginning of another. The whole "clean slate" approach comes to mind, but with that, I feel that if I make some grave mistake on Monday that the rest of the week is unsalvageable for me. It must be scrapped and I must wait until the week resets until giving it another go.
That's all for now. I thought there was going to be more drivel in this blog, but I think I made the point I wanted to. Hope you are all well
El Fin <3
It's Sunday... just like any other weekend. Sure, it's an annual clash of titans on the football field, but I stopped caring about professional sports when I was in high school. The only redeeming factor of the whole ordeal are the commercials. They are usually clever and/or witty in their marketing strategy, and I can appreciate that.
I'm spending the day at the coffee shop with my friend Michelle. We are hashing out short stories and other fascinating facets of the universe. I'm also trying to fend off the dull throbbings of a headache, which is not fairing well. I figured that the caffeine from my mocha would combat it nicely, but alas, it's not.
Tomorrow starts another week at work, and I am more than grateful for the paycheck that awaits me every Tuesday morning at 8:30am sharp, but the job is a rollercoaster. A whirlwind of technological problems, office politics, and post-work alcoholic adventures. Maybe this is what it means to be an adult? It seems to be the case, based upon what I have observed from the veterans in the office. A group of early 30 to late 40 year old nerds that have devoted themselves to the world of ever-advancing technology, but really they are all man-children (which can be seen by how they interact with a severe lacking of interpersonal skills).
Back to Sunday... It has always been a day of reflection. I think it's because it is the end of one week and the beginning of another. The whole "clean slate" approach comes to mind, but with that, I feel that if I make some grave mistake on Monday that the rest of the week is unsalvageable for me. It must be scrapped and I must wait until the week resets until giving it another go.
That's all for now. I thought there was going to be more drivel in this blog, but I think I made the point I wanted to. Hope you are all well
El Fin <3
Happiness...
It's such a relative term. People perceive happiness in different ways. To some it's the acquisition of wealth, for others it's the people that they surround themselves with, and still there is a group that happiness changes from one thing to another (whether that be getting drunk, having copious amounts of sex, etc).
I'm not entirely sure what the word means to me anymore. In the past I thought that going back to school and graduating with my bachelors would make me happy. I thought bringing closure on such a dark chapter of my life would have made me happy, but instead it was a temporary high. Then I told myself that if I got a job like everyone else in the world that I would be happy. So I looked high and low, submitting application after application to places of varying markets. Then after many bored days of waiting for a call back, I got one. And for a brief moment, I was happy. Again it was a temporary fix.
I'm sure if you asked my family they would say that I need to start popping pills again to control my emotions and "balance" myself out. It's a point that I am not entirely sold on. I hated taking medication while I was in the service because all it did was make me even more unbalanced. The side effects were horrendous.
If someone were to ask me what would make me happy this moment, I would probably have to say being able to write for a living. By that I mean support myself with my craft. It's something that is very tough to do, but there are many times during the day that I kick back and daydream about a different me... a me that lives in a small flat somewhere tucked away in some big-ish city within reach of all the great music venues and coffee shops. Where my friends are just a short drive away and are actually good friends, not the fair-weather type.
Maybe it has to do with being so lonely. I go to work, and I put on a good face, crack some sarcastic jokes, and then I come home to a three bedroom apartment in which I never talk to my roommates because we stay quarantined in our rooms. It's not that we have a problem with each other. It just worked out that way.
The list of people that I could call when I need someone to vent to or talk to is very short. Probably less than the fingers that I have on one hand. It's probably my own fault though. I have been a terrible friend to a lot of people. Pushed people away and retreated into the safety of my mind where my thoughts make some sort of sense. It served me well when I was in the service. I had to compartmentalize myself that way in order to make it through from one day to the next, but it doesn't seem to be working as well for me anymore.
Don't get me wrong. I have accomplished quite a bit in the last year, and I am not trying to down play such accomplishments. I just felt the urge to put these thoughts to paper... errr, well to my blog. Hopefully it makes some sort of sense to those of you who choose to read this. I hope you all are well and that you are staying warm.
El Fin <3
It's such a relative term. People perceive happiness in different ways. To some it's the acquisition of wealth, for others it's the people that they surround themselves with, and still there is a group that happiness changes from one thing to another (whether that be getting drunk, having copious amounts of sex, etc).
I'm not entirely sure what the word means to me anymore. In the past I thought that going back to school and graduating with my bachelors would make me happy. I thought bringing closure on such a dark chapter of my life would have made me happy, but instead it was a temporary high. Then I told myself that if I got a job like everyone else in the world that I would be happy. So I looked high and low, submitting application after application to places of varying markets. Then after many bored days of waiting for a call back, I got one. And for a brief moment, I was happy. Again it was a temporary fix.
I'm sure if you asked my family they would say that I need to start popping pills again to control my emotions and "balance" myself out. It's a point that I am not entirely sold on. I hated taking medication while I was in the service because all it did was make me even more unbalanced. The side effects were horrendous.
If someone were to ask me what would make me happy this moment, I would probably have to say being able to write for a living. By that I mean support myself with my craft. It's something that is very tough to do, but there are many times during the day that I kick back and daydream about a different me... a me that lives in a small flat somewhere tucked away in some big-ish city within reach of all the great music venues and coffee shops. Where my friends are just a short drive away and are actually good friends, not the fair-weather type.
Maybe it has to do with being so lonely. I go to work, and I put on a good face, crack some sarcastic jokes, and then I come home to a three bedroom apartment in which I never talk to my roommates because we stay quarantined in our rooms. It's not that we have a problem with each other. It just worked out that way.
The list of people that I could call when I need someone to vent to or talk to is very short. Probably less than the fingers that I have on one hand. It's probably my own fault though. I have been a terrible friend to a lot of people. Pushed people away and retreated into the safety of my mind where my thoughts make some sort of sense. It served me well when I was in the service. I had to compartmentalize myself that way in order to make it through from one day to the next, but it doesn't seem to be working as well for me anymore.
Don't get me wrong. I have accomplished quite a bit in the last year, and I am not trying to down play such accomplishments. I just felt the urge to put these thoughts to paper... errr, well to my blog. Hopefully it makes some sort of sense to those of you who choose to read this. I hope you all are well and that you are staying warm.
El Fin <3
Wow. I don't even know where to begin today.
This weekend was less than suspenseful... they all have been for the past couple of months. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that, but a little flavor or spice every now and then would be nice. It's just like if you ate the same flavor of Ramen everyday, three times a day for three months. That would probably suck, wouldn't it? I could probably go out of my way to do something about it, but it requires extra time and money to do it right. At least that is how it seems.
I heard back about a job this morning. Mercy hospitals (which are two big hospitals in Des Moines) are looking for contractors to do a bunch of IT upgrading and moving for a six month period. It's not long term employment, but at least it will be something to add to a resume for further IT work. I guess, my only problem with something that is not contract-to-hire is that it doesn't really scream career for me. I'd rather not get by in life doing contract jobs for the rest of my days. I'm grateful for any job that I can get my hands on, but it is not my dream. I guess nothing going on in my life really fits within my "dream life." I'm very fortunate for the way things have turned out for me, regardless of the trials that have come up over the last five years.
I guess, I have been looking back to a younger Marcus and analyzing all those hopes and dreams I once had. Not many of you know this, but I wanted to be a high school English teacher when I started college. I had such dreams then. I was wide-eyed and green. Naive about the world and everything that made it up. Three and a half years of education classes taught me that I didn't want to be a teacher anymore and from there I made my descent. From that moment I changed forever. I was a motivated man then. My ADHD had not begun to rear its ugly head yet. But when I switched majors, it was like a switch had been flipped in my mind. The combination of extra time and an endless supply of liquor sent my life out of control. It is something I am still paying for to this day.
Sorry for the rant there, but with so much free time on my hands, it is hard not to think back. I have made it a goal of mine not to live life in the past. At the same time, I try to learn from my mistakes and move forward with the foreknowledge that I will never put myself in that depressed state again. Ever. It was the driving force that got me through this past semester of college. Whenever I thought life was too much for me, I just looked back to that part of my life when I gave up and threw in the towel. I didn't want to be that person again and because I moved forward, I was able to graduate and close a very long chapter of my life. Phew.
Okay, enough ranting. It's Monday, and I am at a coffee shop with my ex lol we are still good friends. It's been a great day of laughing, sipping on mochas, and writing. I couldn't ask for a better start to a week. Hope you are all doing well
<3 El Fin.
This weekend was less than suspenseful... they all have been for the past couple of months. I mean, there is nothing wrong with that, but a little flavor or spice every now and then would be nice. It's just like if you ate the same flavor of Ramen everyday, three times a day for three months. That would probably suck, wouldn't it? I could probably go out of my way to do something about it, but it requires extra time and money to do it right. At least that is how it seems.
I heard back about a job this morning. Mercy hospitals (which are two big hospitals in Des Moines) are looking for contractors to do a bunch of IT upgrading and moving for a six month period. It's not long term employment, but at least it will be something to add to a resume for further IT work. I guess, my only problem with something that is not contract-to-hire is that it doesn't really scream career for me. I'd rather not get by in life doing contract jobs for the rest of my days. I'm grateful for any job that I can get my hands on, but it is not my dream. I guess nothing going on in my life really fits within my "dream life." I'm very fortunate for the way things have turned out for me, regardless of the trials that have come up over the last five years.
I guess, I have been looking back to a younger Marcus and analyzing all those hopes and dreams I once had. Not many of you know this, but I wanted to be a high school English teacher when I started college. I had such dreams then. I was wide-eyed and green. Naive about the world and everything that made it up. Three and a half years of education classes taught me that I didn't want to be a teacher anymore and from there I made my descent. From that moment I changed forever. I was a motivated man then. My ADHD had not begun to rear its ugly head yet. But when I switched majors, it was like a switch had been flipped in my mind. The combination of extra time and an endless supply of liquor sent my life out of control. It is something I am still paying for to this day.
Sorry for the rant there, but with so much free time on my hands, it is hard not to think back. I have made it a goal of mine not to live life in the past. At the same time, I try to learn from my mistakes and move forward with the foreknowledge that I will never put myself in that depressed state again. Ever. It was the driving force that got me through this past semester of college. Whenever I thought life was too much for me, I just looked back to that part of my life when I gave up and threw in the towel. I didn't want to be that person again and because I moved forward, I was able to graduate and close a very long chapter of my life. Phew.
Okay, enough ranting. It's Monday, and I am at a coffee shop with my ex lol we are still good friends. It's been a great day of laughing, sipping on mochas, and writing. I couldn't ask for a better start to a week. Hope you are all doing well
<3 El Fin.
2013 *sigh*
I had high hopes for it. I really did. Bought into it hook, line, and sinker, but alas... it sucks. Not even six days deep into this year and it sucks. The job that was pretty much guaranteed to me was yanked away at the last second due to a "department issue." Sounds like a cop-out to me, but oh well, maybe I wasn't meant to get that job.
In other news, there was a really good interview last week with Principal Financial that would be a great opportunity for me. Here's hoping *insert photo of me fingers crossing*
As for NYE, I did absolutely nothing. Well, I played video games and drank a bottle of wine by myself, but I still think it's nothing. For the last couple of weeks or so I have been writing quite a bit. A short story here and there mostly, but it has been quite the experience for me. I've tackled topics that I have put in the "off limits" category for many years. I'm not sure what made me decide to break down those walls in my consciousness, but I did and I am glad for it.
Some of you have noticed my increased activity on twitter over the last couple of weeks. I thoroughly enjoy it and would love it if I had some of you loverlies on there as friends.
@Rhofactor - twitter
So stop on by and add me. I'll do the same.
Now if you'll excuse me... I need to go save Pandaria.
El Fin <3
I had high hopes for it. I really did. Bought into it hook, line, and sinker, but alas... it sucks. Not even six days deep into this year and it sucks. The job that was pretty much guaranteed to me was yanked away at the last second due to a "department issue." Sounds like a cop-out to me, but oh well, maybe I wasn't meant to get that job.
In other news, there was a really good interview last week with Principal Financial that would be a great opportunity for me. Here's hoping *insert photo of me fingers crossing*
As for NYE, I did absolutely nothing. Well, I played video games and drank a bottle of wine by myself, but I still think it's nothing. For the last couple of weeks or so I have been writing quite a bit. A short story here and there mostly, but it has been quite the experience for me. I've tackled topics that I have put in the "off limits" category for many years. I'm not sure what made me decide to break down those walls in my consciousness, but I did and I am glad for it.
Some of you have noticed my increased activity on twitter over the last couple of weeks. I thoroughly enjoy it and would love it if I had some of you loverlies on there as friends.
@Rhofactor - twitter
So stop on by and add me. I'll do the same.
Now if you'll excuse me... I need to go save Pandaria.
El Fin <3
Hey guys,
Just thought I'd do a quick little blog here today. Hopefully everyone's Christmas Eve Eve (ha) is going well.
I'm going home in a couple of days for just the day to open gifts and get some warm grub. Looking forward to that! I'm having a little issue whether or not to stay at home just because my family can be a little... overwhelming, but we will see.
In other news... my friend's band, The Envy Corps, has some new stuff coming out very soon, and I thought I would do a little plug for them
This song is truly amazing, and I'm hoping the rest of the songs in this "Live at the ARC" are just as good. Hopefully you guys enjoy this as well
Stay warm and safe the next few days, my loves
El Fin <3
Just thought I'd do a quick little blog here today. Hopefully everyone's Christmas Eve Eve (ha) is going well.
I'm going home in a couple of days for just the day to open gifts and get some warm grub. Looking forward to that! I'm having a little issue whether or not to stay at home just because my family can be a little... overwhelming, but we will see.
In other news... my friend's band, The Envy Corps, has some new stuff coming out very soon, and I thought I would do a little plug for them
This song is truly amazing, and I'm hoping the rest of the songs in this "Live at the ARC" are just as good. Hopefully you guys enjoy this as well
Stay warm and safe the next few days, my loves
El Fin <3
