Sunday:

I have no idea what it is about Sundays that make me feel like I have to look deep within myself and ponder my life, it's failings and what I need to do to get out of my current situation, but needless to say... I hate it. The funny thing is that this day was starting out alright. I had to run to the bookstore and Best Buy this afternoon, and since it was 50 degrees (and the fact that I still don't have a car), I decided to walk the mile down the road to both of these places to conduct business. Jimmy Eat World's "Futures" accompanied me on my walk which made things even better. Until...

I get to a stoplight and pull out my iPhone to change the track only to hear "faggot" screamed out of a window as this car drives by me. Now this isn't the first time that I have heard this term under these conditions, but it has been probably a few years since the last encounter that I can recall. At first I had to take a moment to just push it down and collect myself. Then I was fine, and I continued on my way. I got to both places and took care of what I needed to do without incident. On the way home I was just walking down the street and again someone, in a completely different vehicle mind you, shouts "you faggot" and laughs really loud as they drive by.

Let me be perfectly clear about something, I am not gay nor do I hate/am scared/or am offended by those that are homosexual. I have many gay friends that are on and are off this site.

This time I stopped dead in my tracks and just stood there for probably a good minute or two. The heavy flow of Sunday track flew past me, and all I could do in those few brief moments, was try to figure out why someone... some persons, would have any reason to call me a faggot. Is it because I am walking? The iPhone music? My black coat? Glasses? I was literally trying to figure this out because once is a coincidence but twice in the same afternoon? There's more to it than that. So after being shaken quite severely, I choked down the tears welling in my eyes, and I made the rest of the walk home and threw my stuff down on my bed. Before even turning my computer on, I just sat in my desk chair: confused, hurt and feeling quite alone. Those feelings still linger around me as I write this to you, but I feel at least comfortable enough to know that someone isn't going to leap out of the monitor and yell "faggot" at me.

People here that I know always harass me for not going out and being "social", but you know it's a day like this that gives me all the justification that I require in order to be a hermit. I choose to stay in because people can be very cruel...it's not because of some social awkwardness I have with mankind. I am very articulate and polite with people in public settings. I may be shy, but it never progresses past a level of awkwardness that would make anyone or even myself uncomfortable in public.

I think it all boils down to the fact that I need to leave Iowa and soon. I would gladly leave with nothing but the clothes on my back and strike out somewhere completely foreign and alien to me, instead of staying here under the most prosperous of circumstances. A clean slate; a fresh state of mind would do me good, I think. I only require a chance... an opportunity to make one thing go right for me.

What a day

El Fin <3