Fuck you, New Year....
Mixed signals.
Tears, headache and heartache.
Even still, I love you.
No kiss, half a hug and a "talk to you later."
Is this what we've become?
Barely friends?
This can't be a relationship anymore.
This is killing me, can't you see?
I need resolution. I need answers.
You're pulling away from me.
I need to heal. I need to know what to do.
And now I get to go to work. Yeah, fuck you 2012....you're off to a wonderful start...
Mixed signals.
Tears, headache and heartache.
Even still, I love you.
No kiss, half a hug and a "talk to you later."
Is this what we've become?
Barely friends?
This can't be a relationship anymore.
This is killing me, can't you see?
I need resolution. I need answers.
You're pulling away from me.
I need to heal. I need to know what to do.
And now I get to go to work. Yeah, fuck you 2012....you're off to a wonderful start...
Damn you SG in making me think that I had cancelled my account and then charging me for another month! Rawr...
On another note, Ryan is still trying to figure his stuff out.... I've been at my parents since Christmas Eve. They've gone for the weekend so I invited Ryan over for New Years. He's "taking a nap and then letting me know."
How am I supposed to take that?? I told him that my friends have invited me over but that I want to spend the night with him. When I asked if he doesn't want to hang out with me, he said "It's not that, I'll just be boring." I DON'T CARE!!! I just want to spend time with him. I don't want us to be over, but I'm running out of things to keep us together.
I don't know what else to do.
On another note, Ryan is still trying to figure his stuff out.... I've been at my parents since Christmas Eve. They've gone for the weekend so I invited Ryan over for New Years. He's "taking a nap and then letting me know."
How am I supposed to take that?? I told him that my friends have invited me over but that I want to spend the night with him. When I asked if he doesn't want to hang out with me, he said "It's not that, I'll just be boring." I DON'T CARE!!! I just want to spend time with him. I don't want us to be over, but I'm running out of things to keep us together.
I don't know what else to do.
So yesterday wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. Ryan had gone to a family friend's house the night before and I'm guessing had a long talk with her about what was going on. Truly the first time he's talked about his side of the situation with anyone. It seemed to have really helped.
He went to a couple movies with us and then to dinner. He was nice. He seemed much more relaxed. He even hugged me after dinner. The first time since Thanksgiving. He ended up taking me back to my parents and walked me in. I asked if he wanted me to come back, and he said not now. It's fine. He's still working out what he wants/needs. He ended up coming back later to watch the Doctor Who Christmas special. He laid on me and fell asleep for a bit. Like I said much more relaxed.
Saturday there was a huge misunderstanding and he thought we were ending it. It might have been the "wake up call" that was needed for him to realize what was going on on my end. It was so hard. I thought it would've really been the end. Yesterday was a huge leap forward.
He went to a couple movies with us and then to dinner. He was nice. He seemed much more relaxed. He even hugged me after dinner. The first time since Thanksgiving. He ended up taking me back to my parents and walked me in. I asked if he wanted me to come back, and he said not now. It's fine. He's still working out what he wants/needs. He ended up coming back later to watch the Doctor Who Christmas special. He laid on me and fell asleep for a bit. Like I said much more relaxed.
Saturday there was a huge misunderstanding and he thought we were ending it. It might have been the "wake up call" that was needed for him to realize what was going on on my end. It was so hard. I thought it would've really been the end. Yesterday was a huge leap forward.
Fuck you, Christmas...
How can I be merry when my boyfriend thinks I want to break up? When he won't fucking talk to me. When I have to practically move back to my parent's house, because he doesn't want me around.
How can I be merry when my boyfriend thinks I want to break up? When he won't fucking talk to me. When I have to practically move back to my parent's house, because he doesn't want me around.
Once again I'm at the hopelessness stage. I don't want to end this. I feel like he's just waiting for me to give up and leave. I don't want to.
This has been frustrating for more than just he and I. My parents are frustrated and concerned. Our land ladies (who have been family friends since I can remember) are frustrated. My friends are frustrated. They see what this is doing to us. To me.
I'm afraid he's already started to move on. I just want to know. He keeps me in the dark.
Why does he do this to me?
This has been frustrating for more than just he and I. My parents are frustrated and concerned. Our land ladies (who have been family friends since I can remember) are frustrated. My friends are frustrated. They see what this is doing to us. To me.
I'm afraid he's already started to move on. I just want to know. He keeps me in the dark.
Why does he do this to me?
I'M SO FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand it's a tough situation, but it's been almost 2 weeks and he still doesn't know where we stand. I can't do this much longer.
At this point I need to know what the fuck is going on in his head!
I want him, but I'm not one to just sit around waiting....I need to know whether I'm moving on or moving forward. I don't have anything left emotionally....
I understand it's a tough situation, but it's been almost 2 weeks and he still doesn't know where we stand. I can't do this much longer.
At this point I need to know what the fuck is going on in his head!
I want him, but I'm not one to just sit around waiting....I need to know whether I'm moving on or moving forward. I don't have anything left emotionally....
I've hit the "hopeless" part of this battle.
He's being very passive aggressive with this whole ordeal. I don't know what is going on. He ignores my questions to talk. I haven't slept in the apartment for a week. I haven't even looked at him for just as long. At this point I don't think he was ever "sorting out his feelings." I think he's just torturing me. I had my first real meal Sunday night. A tiny bit of green beans and a little turkey hash. That was all I had all day and for the most part all week. Just today I had to force a 1/4 of a piece of pizza down because my stomach was trying to throw up the nothingness that was in it.
I love this boy with my entire being. I don't want us to give up on each other. It's almost getting to that point.
He's being very passive aggressive with this whole ordeal. I don't know what is going on. He ignores my questions to talk. I haven't slept in the apartment for a week. I haven't even looked at him for just as long. At this point I don't think he was ever "sorting out his feelings." I think he's just torturing me. I had my first real meal Sunday night. A tiny bit of green beans and a little turkey hash. That was all I had all day and for the most part all week. Just today I had to force a 1/4 of a piece of pizza down because my stomach was trying to throw up the nothingness that was in it.
I love this boy with my entire being. I don't want us to give up on each other. It's almost getting to that point.
I don't even know what to do. I'm possibly losing the best thing to happen to my life. I don't want this to happen. It's just a waiting game. I don't know what I'll do if we can't work this out.
I don't usually like the pop artists nowadays, but this song is so how I feel right now.
I would do anything for him. I know this is going to take time, but there is nothing I dislike more than waiting for him to tell me one way or the other. If we fall apart I don't think I could get up.
I haven't had much to eat in the past couple days. Yesterday, nothing but a chai that lasted like 10 hours and a cup of tea before bed, which I didn't finish. Today a half of a turkey sandwich that one of my managers practically forced me to eat. I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up, but there isn't anything in my stomach. I've bought a pack of cigarettes, I haven't really smoked in at least a year if not more. I have to go to work because it gives me something to do and try and keep my mind off of all of this.
It's all my fault. I knew that I would ruin this.
I don't usually like the pop artists nowadays, but this song is so how I feel right now.
I would do anything for him. I know this is going to take time, but there is nothing I dislike more than waiting for him to tell me one way or the other. If we fall apart I don't think I could get up.
I haven't had much to eat in the past couple days. Yesterday, nothing but a chai that lasted like 10 hours and a cup of tea before bed, which I didn't finish. Today a half of a turkey sandwich that one of my managers practically forced me to eat. I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up, but there isn't anything in my stomach. I've bought a pack of cigarettes, I haven't really smoked in at least a year if not more. I have to go to work because it gives me something to do and try and keep my mind off of all of this.
It's all my fault. I knew that I would ruin this.
So I kind of fucked up my wonderful relationship.
It probably started a few months ago, with things that I didn't realize I was doing. He kept his feelings in and let them build and then he stopped trusting me about a month ago and today decided to go through my e-mail.
Of course I had sent a hood piercing picture to a guy I've known for like 10 years, because he and I had talked about it and so I sent him a pic to see. Nothing more. That did it. Because I didn't ask my bf if I could send it. I didn't ask because it's my body. I didn't send him pictures of me masturbating or full pictures of me naked and there was more context than "here's my vag." I no longer have the hood piercing and I didn't show him my vag in person. But apparently that was the topper to the "laundry list" of things I do wrong.
Not that I would know what else I've done wrong because he doesn't tell me. One thing is that I talk down to him and berate him. I don't mean to. I don't realize I do. A few times I get frustrated with something but I apologize when I realize I've snapped at him. I've tried so hard not to.
Most of you know who my bf is and I like to think that you know what kind of person I am. Anything I do is not because I don't love him or because I want someone else. It's because I'm independent and even in a relationship there are things that I still want to be able to do. We met here. I have nudes. I like people telling me I have a wonderful vagina or great tits or I'm hot. These past few months he hasn't. I've felt like he doesn't see me as sexy or attractive anymore. My self-esteem has fallen so low that I don't care about trying to lose weight anymore. That's partly why I rejoined SG. Because I can get compliments! When I was a member I felt amazing about myself! I feel like he's too used to me being naked that now it's just "eh" and not "wow you're naked, let me touch you as much as I can."
I don't want to lose him. He's the love of my life. I talk about him to everyone. I see us with a future. It's just so hard when our communication has gone down the toilet. We haven't really talked. I mean seriously talked. We both feel so distant from one another.
I want to fix this. I don't know what I'd do without him. My heart hurts so much because of this. We need to talk and I know it will take time to be where we were before, but I just don't want to lose him.
It probably started a few months ago, with things that I didn't realize I was doing. He kept his feelings in and let them build and then he stopped trusting me about a month ago and today decided to go through my e-mail.
Of course I had sent a hood piercing picture to a guy I've known for like 10 years, because he and I had talked about it and so I sent him a pic to see. Nothing more. That did it. Because I didn't ask my bf if I could send it. I didn't ask because it's my body. I didn't send him pictures of me masturbating or full pictures of me naked and there was more context than "here's my vag." I no longer have the hood piercing and I didn't show him my vag in person. But apparently that was the topper to the "laundry list" of things I do wrong.
Not that I would know what else I've done wrong because he doesn't tell me. One thing is that I talk down to him and berate him. I don't mean to. I don't realize I do. A few times I get frustrated with something but I apologize when I realize I've snapped at him. I've tried so hard not to.
Most of you know who my bf is and I like to think that you know what kind of person I am. Anything I do is not because I don't love him or because I want someone else. It's because I'm independent and even in a relationship there are things that I still want to be able to do. We met here. I have nudes. I like people telling me I have a wonderful vagina or great tits or I'm hot. These past few months he hasn't. I've felt like he doesn't see me as sexy or attractive anymore. My self-esteem has fallen so low that I don't care about trying to lose weight anymore. That's partly why I rejoined SG. Because I can get compliments! When I was a member I felt amazing about myself! I feel like he's too used to me being naked that now it's just "eh" and not "wow you're naked, let me touch you as much as I can."
I don't want to lose him. He's the love of my life. I talk about him to everyone. I see us with a future. It's just so hard when our communication has gone down the toilet. We haven't really talked. I mean seriously talked. We both feel so distant from one another.
I want to fix this. I don't know what I'd do without him. My heart hurts so much because of this. We need to talk and I know it will take time to be where we were before, but I just don't want to lose him.
