Firstly, i stumbled on an ex on myspace. This is of course not unusual, except for the fact that he always called me a sad loser for using the internet at all, and myspace was the place he told me it was saddest for me to be on. (actaully it is, but still) So this shocked me a bit. I then look at his profile, being the nosey cow i am. He is now in a relationship, has a job and seems happy. Now, don't get me wrong, this makes me happy. It was just such a shock. When jack and i split up he was smoking more weed every day than anyone i have ever met, had no job, hated everyone and constantly told me he was happy as he was. I couldn't cope with him haveing a bigger love weed than me, which is why we broke up, amongst other things. He blamed me, with some good reasons, but it was not all my fault. One of the main things he told me was that i loved tattoos more than him, that they were my life. Get this - he is now training to be a tattoo artist in one of the local shops. To say i was astounded is an understatement!
However, i don't want you to misunderstand me. Its not the fact he has got his life turned around without me that upsets me, although i can't help but wonder if things would be different if he had. What is bothering me is the fact that i am jealous he has done so much. I last spoke to him in maybe September last year, he called me names and i told him to fuck off. Just after xmas a mutual friend asked me to get in touch with him - i laughed and said no way, not after everything we put each other through! Then now this. I am so proud of him - he has turned his life around. Hes gone from being an unemployed depressed stoner to someone with an enviable job, a new woman and seems happier. I'm jealous because i have not acheived anything it feels like. Sure i have met Andy, and i love him with all my heart He is the best thing that has happened to me in as long as i can remember....but i am still stuck in Bridlington, still in a job i hate, i still suffer from depression and i'm perpetually skint. I'm jealous because he has done something i'm desperate to do - make something of myself. But i never do, too lazy i guess, plus i have no idea what to do.
The rent has gone up. Not by a lot - £5 a week. And for the place i am living in £70 a week in a bargain, believe me. I actually do love my flat (althoguh if anyone feels like paying for more carpets for me....) Still, the fact its now more expensive worrys me. I'm struggling as it is at the moment.
Another thing - its learning at work week this week. Our learning was how to deal with stress. What a fucking laugh! I got maybe 3 pages in. It told us one of the main reasons for stress was being unsure iof things at work, threat of redundancies etc....we have been waiting 2 years to find out when out office is going to close. And they have just told us we won't get our June pay rises until at least October. Stressed much?!!!
Ok, actually thats all i can think of thats bad right now...