"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;"
It has had it's ways with me before, but as I return to a familiar battleground, know, Prob & Stats Final, I will fuck your shit up. How's that for eloquent speech?
Or close the wall up with our English dead.
In peace there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest stillness and humility:
But when the blast of war blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the tiger;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;"
It has had it's ways with me before, but as I return to a familiar battleground, know, Prob & Stats Final, I will fuck your shit up. How's that for eloquent speech?
Hopefully as my load lightens in the next couple weeks, for a spell anyway, I'll grace you all with the latest news from Andyville.
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
What'cha think? Dig my Office Space get up? Not enough flair, I know, but I'm nervous about expressing myself
"Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go."
What'cha think? Dig my Office Space get up? Not enough flair, I know, but I'm nervous about expressing myself
Not sure what I need exactly, but I need something. A change of scenery, perhaps, or a day at a spa. Yeah, that's right. I'm a guy that likes spa treatments. What of it? =D
Trying to grow my beard out, and let me tell ya': some days it drives me crazy, and other days I hardly notice it. Not sure what I'm going to do with it, but it seems an appropriate time to do it. Why is it? I don't know, it just feels like it. Maybe I'll fashion it like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, for shits and giggles.
Thinking Hell City in May.....and much desired tattoo work in the meantime.
Trying to grow my beard out, and let me tell ya': some days it drives me crazy, and other days I hardly notice it. Not sure what I'm going to do with it, but it seems an appropriate time to do it. Why is it? I don't know, it just feels like it. Maybe I'll fashion it like Tevye from Fiddler on the Roof, for shits and giggles.
Thinking Hell City in May.....and much desired tattoo work in the meantime.
This is the final blog entry from a 365 Project I've been doing throughout 2011. Thought I'd share....
Well now....it's been a hell of a year, hasn't it? Truth be told, I felt much like the photo above; stuck in traffic with only a small amount of wiggle room. I'm still moving forward, but at a crawl, not at all at the posted speed limit. For much of the year, my hands have been tied by most unfortunate circumstances out of my control, and other circumstances within my control. In that regard, many of the past year's problems are of my own crafting. Furthermore, never has the saying, "my own worst enemy" been better exemplified.
Anxiety has been the worst of my issues in the past year. Panic attacks have been a very regular occurrence. Even the awesome pleasure of friends had, at times, not appealed to me in the slightest. Mental breakdowns were had a plenty, the most infuriating being the ones experienced in front of others.
However, despite the intense wave of misgivings accompanying the past year, there have been rays of hope. Friends have managed to drag me out of my funk on more than one occasion. Family has even provided respite from my mood. My small little pup, Vernie, has been a near constant source of happiness that has kept me grounded. Can't forget Bareman's Chocolate Milk; Bareman's has been an unconditional source of pleasure. And there were...other developments, unforeseen, that took away the constant sense that the clouds were opened up and God was saying, "I hate you Andy Beau!"
Phanny B has been one of the most interesting developments of the year
One of my earlier decisions was to avoid getting into a relationship during my time in school. Enough time was spent with distractions during all the years leading up my reentry into academia, that I didn't want to risk losing focus on school. More so, I didn't want to have to choose between the two, when issues of time management confronted me. Fear that I'd make the wrong decision in that situation was too strong. Of course, it doesn't help that I feel as though several of my failed relationships were my fault.
During the summer, Phanny (Stephany) made herself known to me. Fortunately, I couldn't ignore her either. During our time together, she's placed herself right up there with Bareman's and Vernie, which is saying a lot (heh heh). Yes, indeed, a Coffee Company romance was in the making.
Had you have asked me what my plans were for New Year's Eve even two months ago, I'd have told you that it likely would have involved drinking too much with friends. Imagination then wouldn't have conceived the possibility that I'd be spending it in Chicago with a woman I've grown to hate more than should be allowed. Never would I thought I'd even be this happy, especially after the year's turn of events.
Truth be told, I'm not entirely happy, at least not yet. Many habits were thrown up as defense mechanisms that will take some time to knock down. When once again I can say that traffic has begun to pick up, when my life has again began moving forward at a speed discernible as more than a crawl, then my heart will be more whole. Then I can truly celebrate a return to my one time optimism. The fireworks of my mind and heart will be as bright as I desire, and as warm as Phanny deserves from a guy who loves her. Then will I feel as if I deserve her, and that she's receiving what she deserves.
With much anticipation, I draw this 365 project to a close. Like the creators life it centered around, it was filled with errors and hardship. However, as with life, it was a trial; a test that was for me and me alone. To start something and finish it was the real purpose behind the project. I'll embark upon a new, altered project, but something similar in nature.
Thanks go to anyone who may have been featured in the photos. Thanks to anyone who read the blogs - no matter how few or how many the words there may have been. The usual thanks for the people surrounding me that have been inspiration in life, not just in the blog. Special Kudos go to Bareman's, Vernie, and, of course, Phanny B. Thanks be to God for creating me, Mike Ditka for giving me the will to live, and George Michael for being caught in the bathroom let people know that Pee Wee Herman isn't the only sick fuck in public.
No thanks will be given to the following:
Midgets
Mormons
Mormon Midgets
Snakes
Makers of chocolate milk other than Bareman's.
Lindsay Lohan
Forgive me if I forgot to shit on someone's feelings that I should have.
I'd really like to continue dragging on. The idea of being finished with it is really quite saddening. Another book closes so another can open, I suppose. Move onto the next big thing.
Love, Peace and Bacon Grease!!!
P.S. Special Thanks go out to the matriarch of the Kline Klan, Jamie Kline. Great friend and wonderful partner in the wild ride that has been this project. Without your dual participation, I might have failed. Much Love....(can't believe I forgot your ass! I ought to be tazed)
To my SG-villians, in case you're interested in meandering around: http://andybeau365.blogspot.com/
Well now....it's been a hell of a year, hasn't it? Truth be told, I felt much like the photo above; stuck in traffic with only a small amount of wiggle room. I'm still moving forward, but at a crawl, not at all at the posted speed limit. For much of the year, my hands have been tied by most unfortunate circumstances out of my control, and other circumstances within my control. In that regard, many of the past year's problems are of my own crafting. Furthermore, never has the saying, "my own worst enemy" been better exemplified.
Anxiety has been the worst of my issues in the past year. Panic attacks have been a very regular occurrence. Even the awesome pleasure of friends had, at times, not appealed to me in the slightest. Mental breakdowns were had a plenty, the most infuriating being the ones experienced in front of others.
However, despite the intense wave of misgivings accompanying the past year, there have been rays of hope. Friends have managed to drag me out of my funk on more than one occasion. Family has even provided respite from my mood. My small little pup, Vernie, has been a near constant source of happiness that has kept me grounded. Can't forget Bareman's Chocolate Milk; Bareman's has been an unconditional source of pleasure. And there were...other developments, unforeseen, that took away the constant sense that the clouds were opened up and God was saying, "I hate you Andy Beau!"
Phanny B has been one of the most interesting developments of the year
One of my earlier decisions was to avoid getting into a relationship during my time in school. Enough time was spent with distractions during all the years leading up my reentry into academia, that I didn't want to risk losing focus on school. More so, I didn't want to have to choose between the two, when issues of time management confronted me. Fear that I'd make the wrong decision in that situation was too strong. Of course, it doesn't help that I feel as though several of my failed relationships were my fault.
During the summer, Phanny (Stephany) made herself known to me. Fortunately, I couldn't ignore her either. During our time together, she's placed herself right up there with Bareman's and Vernie, which is saying a lot (heh heh). Yes, indeed, a Coffee Company romance was in the making.
Had you have asked me what my plans were for New Year's Eve even two months ago, I'd have told you that it likely would have involved drinking too much with friends. Imagination then wouldn't have conceived the possibility that I'd be spending it in Chicago with a woman I've grown to hate more than should be allowed. Never would I thought I'd even be this happy, especially after the year's turn of events.
Truth be told, I'm not entirely happy, at least not yet. Many habits were thrown up as defense mechanisms that will take some time to knock down. When once again I can say that traffic has begun to pick up, when my life has again began moving forward at a speed discernible as more than a crawl, then my heart will be more whole. Then I can truly celebrate a return to my one time optimism. The fireworks of my mind and heart will be as bright as I desire, and as warm as Phanny deserves from a guy who loves her. Then will I feel as if I deserve her, and that she's receiving what she deserves.
With much anticipation, I draw this 365 project to a close. Like the creators life it centered around, it was filled with errors and hardship. However, as with life, it was a trial; a test that was for me and me alone. To start something and finish it was the real purpose behind the project. I'll embark upon a new, altered project, but something similar in nature.
Thanks go to anyone who may have been featured in the photos. Thanks to anyone who read the blogs - no matter how few or how many the words there may have been. The usual thanks for the people surrounding me that have been inspiration in life, not just in the blog. Special Kudos go to Bareman's, Vernie, and, of course, Phanny B. Thanks be to God for creating me, Mike Ditka for giving me the will to live, and George Michael for being caught in the bathroom let people know that Pee Wee Herman isn't the only sick fuck in public.
No thanks will be given to the following:
Midgets
Mormons
Mormon Midgets
Snakes
Makers of chocolate milk other than Bareman's.
Lindsay Lohan
Forgive me if I forgot to shit on someone's feelings that I should have.
I'd really like to continue dragging on. The idea of being finished with it is really quite saddening. Another book closes so another can open, I suppose. Move onto the next big thing.
Love, Peace and Bacon Grease!!!
P.S. Special Thanks go out to the matriarch of the Kline Klan, Jamie Kline. Great friend and wonderful partner in the wild ride that has been this project. Without your dual participation, I might have failed. Much Love....(can't believe I forgot your ass! I ought to be tazed)
To my SG-villians, in case you're interested in meandering around: http://andybeau365.blogspot.com/
The Good: I have a special lady friend in my life right now.
The Bad: I have so very little time right now, between school, work, said special lady friend, and general mood swings.
The Ugly: A really dear friend posted a pic of her graduating class today; the class that I should have remained a part of. Today was their last day of class. However due to a case of a bad thing happening to a good person (and my ticket came up), I'm no longer a part of that class.
The pic brought to surface a lot of negative feelings. On one side, I'm on the verge of tears in a woe is me fashion, but on the other hand I want to lash out. I want the fucking assholes who threw this on me to feel some sort of mental anguish this has caused. Whether they really believed I did something wrong or not, I want them to take all the year's worth of negativity, suffering and self doubt that was thrust upon me and fucking choke on it.
I can honestly say, if I had their lives in my hand, I doubt I would make the right choice. Not right at this moment. Shitty thing to say I'm sure, but my entire year has truly been one shitty event after another, most of which were either directly or indirectly caused by the single event that started the whole emo ball rolling.
Perhaps I'm being obscure, but it's like I want to share but not share at the same time.
I just hope my negativity can be kept in check because I really dig this special lady friend.
*sigh*
The Bad: I have so very little time right now, between school, work, said special lady friend, and general mood swings.
The Ugly: A really dear friend posted a pic of her graduating class today; the class that I should have remained a part of. Today was their last day of class. However due to a case of a bad thing happening to a good person (and my ticket came up), I'm no longer a part of that class.
The pic brought to surface a lot of negative feelings. On one side, I'm on the verge of tears in a woe is me fashion, but on the other hand I want to lash out. I want the fucking assholes who threw this on me to feel some sort of mental anguish this has caused. Whether they really believed I did something wrong or not, I want them to take all the year's worth of negativity, suffering and self doubt that was thrust upon me and fucking choke on it.
I can honestly say, if I had their lives in my hand, I doubt I would make the right choice. Not right at this moment. Shitty thing to say I'm sure, but my entire year has truly been one shitty event after another, most of which were either directly or indirectly caused by the single event that started the whole emo ball rolling.
Perhaps I'm being obscure, but it's like I want to share but not share at the same time.
I just hope my negativity can be kept in check because I really dig this special lady friend.
*sigh*
My hope, wish, and prayer for the day: that the person, or persons, who broke into my home, stole the several thousand dollars worth of possessions, I hope you develop an intense intestinal infection; so bad that you end up shitting all of your livelihood, will to live, guts, and every last nutrient in your system out onto the floor because you're unable to reach the toilet in time.
Possessions can be replaced, money can be earned anew, and locks can be changed. The peace of mind, however, is much harder to replace. Fuck....this could be more easily handled if my entire past year wasn't one fuckin' negative after another. And to think, I'm the fucker my friends used to love and hate for being too positive.
I'm going to strip naked and go for a swim in my pool of pity. Be back in a while. People are welcome to join me, but all I really want is silence and a big fuckin' vat of beer spiked with even more beer.
Possessions can be replaced, money can be earned anew, and locks can be changed. The peace of mind, however, is much harder to replace. Fuck....this could be more easily handled if my entire past year wasn't one fuckin' negative after another. And to think, I'm the fucker my friends used to love and hate for being too positive.
I'm going to strip naked and go for a swim in my pool of pity. Be back in a while. People are welcome to join me, but all I really want is silence and a big fuckin' vat of beer spiked with even more beer.
Sorry Ass Halloween Joke:
Why couldn't Witch and Warlock have a baby? BECAUSE HE HAD A HOLLOW WEENIE!!!
HAR-DEE HAR HARRR!!! *slaps knees*
Not much else is really that exciting in my life at this moment. Major development would be that I'm considering leaving my current college and transferring elsewhere to finish. Not what I wanted to do, but I was caught up in a little snafu a year ago, made a deal with the devil, hoped for the best, and the devil is reminding me at great length that I'm a piece of shit (in their eyes).
Scares the shit out of me thinking of going elsewhere, but I think it has to happen. If for no other reason than to be true to myself and stick it to the man, regardless of the barely visible ripple I'd cause.
Time distribution is out of whack right now, and I wish I had the money to go get Arkham City.
Peace out my lil' SG-villians!!
Why couldn't Witch and Warlock have a baby? BECAUSE HE HAD A HOLLOW WEENIE!!!
HAR-DEE HAR HARRR!!! *slaps knees*
Not much else is really that exciting in my life at this moment. Major development would be that I'm considering leaving my current college and transferring elsewhere to finish. Not what I wanted to do, but I was caught up in a little snafu a year ago, made a deal with the devil, hoped for the best, and the devil is reminding me at great length that I'm a piece of shit (in their eyes).
Scares the shit out of me thinking of going elsewhere, but I think it has to happen. If for no other reason than to be true to myself and stick it to the man, regardless of the barely visible ripple I'd cause.
Time distribution is out of whack right now, and I wish I had the money to go get Arkham City.
Peace out my lil' SG-villians!!
Writing a story, or spinning a life event to sound like a piece of fiction comes easy. Put fingers to keyboard and the words just find their way onto the paper (or screen). Rant and rave about current events that draw my ire, and it's easy. Try and relate something personal, something about my life that I would like to get out there, and I have writer's block. For example, I've started this blog six times now, deleted it, and restarted.
*sigh*
Not that expressing my life's innermost fears or problems is an easy thing in any case, but it would be nice if I had more an art for it. I suppose I could follow an example I've seen before of starting off by listing bullet points with what I want to say, then expanding on the bullet points. Seems a bit too intensively like school work, but maybe it'll help.
Let's try this with what I've been thinking of most frequently lately:
- Loneliness has been painful lately, yet I have been having problems putting myself out there (SURPRISE)
- Financial problems are abound; some I could have avoided, some not.
- I feel painfully stagnant in life right now.
Intimacy has become a problem of late. Not sexual intimacy, but of the kind that leads to intense, personal relationships. While I'd like to be closer to a few different people, I have unfounded fears about laying myself out there. And yet, I lay alone at night, wishing I had someone with whom to share the quiet moments.
Not that I really feel any biological clock ticking. It's not that at all. I just feel that I'm failing - miserably - to navigate Erikson's stage of "Intimacy vs Isolation." Honestly, I don't even know I'm cut out for marriage. Kids? I like 'em, but not sure if I want my own. Not that I don't want them, but that urge to scatter my seed to the four winds hasn't even occurred to me yet.
Money sucks. Shit happened in the past year that has really left me hurting. Things had to be handled, and some weren't handled properly. Several instances arose where I found that my lack of action - due to inattention brought on my depression and near psychotic breakdowns - led to several other debts racking up. Yeah, it sucks, but what can I do now?
31 years old and I'm a student at college. Not that there is anything wrong with this, and I'm aware that life isn't a race, but then why can't I help but feeling like an unaccomplished loser? Okay, loser is just being very harsh right now, but I don't feel that I'm where I should be.
I wish I had the time or motivation to do a Suicidegirl & Hopeful photo blog. Perhaps this weekend.
EDIT: I feel like the clown who draws pleasure from making others smile, but in the still of the night has problems finding joy within himself. Not that I've ever been described as a downer by anyone....
*sigh*
Not that expressing my life's innermost fears or problems is an easy thing in any case, but it would be nice if I had more an art for it. I suppose I could follow an example I've seen before of starting off by listing bullet points with what I want to say, then expanding on the bullet points. Seems a bit too intensively like school work, but maybe it'll help.
Let's try this with what I've been thinking of most frequently lately:
- Loneliness has been painful lately, yet I have been having problems putting myself out there (SURPRISE)
- Financial problems are abound; some I could have avoided, some not.
- I feel painfully stagnant in life right now.
Intimacy has become a problem of late. Not sexual intimacy, but of the kind that leads to intense, personal relationships. While I'd like to be closer to a few different people, I have unfounded fears about laying myself out there. And yet, I lay alone at night, wishing I had someone with whom to share the quiet moments.
Not that I really feel any biological clock ticking. It's not that at all. I just feel that I'm failing - miserably - to navigate Erikson's stage of "Intimacy vs Isolation." Honestly, I don't even know I'm cut out for marriage. Kids? I like 'em, but not sure if I want my own. Not that I don't want them, but that urge to scatter my seed to the four winds hasn't even occurred to me yet.
Money sucks. Shit happened in the past year that has really left me hurting. Things had to be handled, and some weren't handled properly. Several instances arose where I found that my lack of action - due to inattention brought on my depression and near psychotic breakdowns - led to several other debts racking up. Yeah, it sucks, but what can I do now?
31 years old and I'm a student at college. Not that there is anything wrong with this, and I'm aware that life isn't a race, but then why can't I help but feeling like an unaccomplished loser? Okay, loser is just being very harsh right now, but I don't feel that I'm where I should be.
I wish I had the time or motivation to do a Suicidegirl & Hopeful photo blog. Perhaps this weekend.
EDIT: I feel like the clown who draws pleasure from making others smile, but in the still of the night has problems finding joy within himself. Not that I've ever been described as a downer by anyone....
I would kill an unholy number of kittens were the fates to grace me with the forbidden wisdom of Stats calculations so this work would go off without a hitch.
"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great."
"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great."
Is it possible? Is there a Suicide Girl - however unfortunate that her status is still "hopeful" - that could possibly shake up the top three of my favorite SGs? This is serious stuff to ponder. While I commence the pondering, why don't you meander your way over to this Lovely Lady's Set and help make it official She is truly a thing of beauty
Nothing really goin' for now. School starts in a few weeks, and I'm not really in the mood yet. In the mood to get it over with, yes, but not to actually start it. It's all good. Watching movies like a fiend lately, haven't had a beer in almost...two weeks, but at least I'm catching up on other things. In the mood for a bonfire....
She is truly a thing of beauty Nothing really goin' for now. School starts in a few weeks, and I'm not really in the mood yet. In the mood to get it over with, yes, but not to actually start it. It's all good. Watching movies like a fiend lately, haven't had a beer in almost...two weeks, but at least I'm catching up on other things. In the mood for a bonfire....
