My life is so fucking crazy right now.

Can things calm down a little, please ??

Oh brother, what am I getting myself into ?

Only way to find out is to take some chances, it would seem.

Clothes shopping spree with my sister in the fancy shops in downtown Portland. No no; not clothes for me, but for her. She is such a clothes hound, and we had a ball. But guess who pointed out the short tailored navy jacket with the horizontal white stripes that she got?

The sales girl had a laugh when I said I was not her boyfriend.

I swear, I'd make a great gay guy.

Well, I'm sad, and it's probably wrong to pretend that I'm not.

My dear old cat may be out dying, and after all the years we have spent together, I'm not with her. I'm her 3rd owner, so I got her when she was already old, but we've had a good relationship, and she's been my only companion here at home. She stopped eating about a week ago, but I took her to the vet, and have been re-hydrating her with the drip bag thing, and it really seemed to bring her back to life, and she started really chowing down again.

Then today she had a really violent seasure, something I had never seen in a cat before. Poor girl : I held her in my arms until it passed, and after a while she seemed to get her wits about her again. She is not an outdoors cat, but she knows her way around the yard, so I brought her outside with me while I did some garden chores. She hung around for a while, and seemed not to be too distressed, and later I saw her go back in the house. But when I was finished outside, and went back in.....she was gone, and has not shown up yet.

It hurts me to be here, and know that she may have taken herself somewhere to die. She is in a lot better shape than she was a few days ago, so I worry that it may take her a while to pass away....and that I'm not there with her. It's time for bed now, and to have her not on the bed with me, as she has been for all these years, is going to be hard, and lonely as well.

It's possible that she will show up tomorrow, but after the events of the day.....I'm not counting on it.

I should be OK with the path she has chosen for herself, but I'm still sad, and wondering where, and how she is right now.

:- (

I want to stop and thank a dear friend from one of the groups for noticing that my account had expired, and renewing it for me.

You can check my profile, and you will notice that I am not exactly a young women who has attractive photos posted here, so it means all the more to be cared about in this way.

Think what you will about SG, but the fact is that there are some truly wonderful and caring people here, and it is my ongoing privilege to know many of you.

Thanks again my friend.

So I never write anything on my blog, but I came across this, and thought I would leave it here :

"The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done." Mother Teresa

Best wishes to all of us who have shared our thoughts, concerns and care over the past year. May 2010 be a year of growth and peace for us all.

My best friend's father died yesterday. My friend had to fly all the way from Germany in order to make it to his fathers place in Portland Or. He just made it in time, as his dad passed away less than a day after he arrived. It happened pretty suddenly, as everyone thought he would last a while longer, so I guess it was a shock for everyone.

I had met his father several times before and he was a wonderful guy. He was in his 80's and still taking classes at the college. He had been in WW2 and had been a machine-gunner on a tank in the war in the Pacific. He was a very intelligent man and had some stories to tell, that's for sure.

I have yet to talk to my friend. This is something he has been fearing for the last couple of years, and now it has happened. I suspect he will have a different view of things now, but it's hard to say how. Perhaps that is why I have yet heard from him.

I had another really upsetting thing happen today. A friend and I met at the local tea house to talk and play cards. It's a hang out for hip High School kids too. All the attractive kids were there, all in groups or in couples. And then there was this one fat girl there, all by herself, with no friend to sit with her. I could tell she was really trying to be part of things, trying to be included in the world. She turned for something and knocked her glass, and it fell to the floor in a loud crash and splatter of broken glass. In an instant, everyone stopped their interactions, and had turned and was staring at her and all going "Ohhhhhh !" And then she was out of the place and gone.

I just can't shake this from my mind. . To all of a sudden, in one single moment, have everyone staring, and seeing you in your clumsiness and non-beautifulness and in your glaring loneliness like that. The humiliation of being discovered, when all she was trying to do was be a part of things. I just wanted to jump up and tell her that somehow everything was going to be OK. But I did not know her, and besides I am just some old man, so the moment passed and she was gone.

Maybe it was nothing for anyone else, but I just can't get it out of my head.

The funeral is on Saturday, so I'll be driving over to be there for my friend and his dad.

But for the moment, I just don't seem to quite have my feet on the ground.

Ohhhhhh, now I get it !

That little balloon that showed up by my name today means that its' my Birthday !

:- )